Dating A College Girl Isn’t As Sexy As It Seems
New Years One Liners
• My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
• I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It’s a nice reminder of what I did all year.
• I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
• My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.
• My wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.
• It’s officially New Year’s Eve, you only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year.
• May all your troubles last as long as your New Years resolutions.
• People think New Years is a life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow.
• New Years Eve forecast: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
• New Year’s Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
• My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.
• I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that 2019 is the year people will think at least twice before hitting Reply All.
• New Year’s Eve is finally here, where we can be drunk in public and no one minds. That’s why this is the best holiday.
• New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.
• My New Year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
• My new year resolution? Buy more shoes, drink more wine, and don’t worry about the gym. I can do this.
• Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average…which means, you have met your New Year’s resolution.
Politician in Action
A US Senator was once asked about his attitude toward whisky. ‘If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.’
Top 10 Resolutions…
10. Find out why all my clothes have shrank. Again.
9. Read that book, “Stop Procrastinating” that I bought three years ago.
8. Figure out why supermodels don’t want to date plain, bald men as the media has led me to believe.
7. Prepare for the zombie apocalypse.
6. Prepare for dating supermodels in the zombie apocalypse (it could happen, right?)
5. Vamp up that eHarmony profile with some spiffy pics of ex-girlfriends half cut off in every profile picture. That’s attractive, right?
4. Mention in eHarmony how I’m a great date and can zap a zombie.
3. Stock up on beer.
2. Stock up on condoms just in case!
1. Get a job.
10. Get some better outfits.
9. Hit the gym for real this year.
7. Cut back on lattes.
6. Take charge.
5. Travel more!
4. Believe in myself.
3. Wear all the shoes I have bought!
2. Screen the freaks on my online dating profile.
1. Stop dating losers who are obsessed with zombies on eHarmony.
‘Twas the Night After Christmas
‘Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren’t talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn’t argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin’, I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, “Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus.”
I said, “Claus, I don’t know nobody named Claus, and you ain’t taking me in without probable cause.” Then the Sheriff he said, “The man was shot at last night.” I said, “That might have been me, just what’s he look like.”
The Sheriff replied, “Well he’s a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry.” I said, “Sheriff that sounds like my wife’s sister Sherri.”
“It’s no time for jokes Roy” the Sheriff he said. “The man I’m describing in dressed all in red. I’m here for the truth now, it’s time to come clean. Tell me what you’ve done, tell me what you’ve seen.”
Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn’t have been the first time that I’ve spent New Years in jail. I said, “Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again.”
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO’s. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbor Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red’s gutter. Well my hands were a shakin’ as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red’s chimney this feller did run.
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin’. I thought he stolen Red’s stuff while old Red was out bowling’. So I yelled, “Drop fat boy, hands in the air!” But he went about his business like he hadn’t a care.
So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, “That’s assault with intent Roy, I’ll see ya in court.”
Resolutions For Pets
10. Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the butts.
7. Funny Gerbil: Don’t let them figure out I’m just a rat, or they’ll flush me!
6. Bite that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow extra thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is enough.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd – December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. Find out if the garbage collector is stealing our stuff.
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it leave the human’s hand.
Grade Change Form
My grade in ____ should be raised from _____ to ____ because:
1. There must be a mistake somewhere.
2. I was not well at the time of the examination.
3. My mind always goes blank during an examination.
4. This mark ruined my prospect of getting a scholarship.
5. This is the only course in which I received a poor grade
6. This mark grieved my mother (or Father) whose pride I am.
7. Conditions in the room were not conductive to concentration.
8. The examination was unfair and unfairly distributed over the subject
9. I have to work after school and nights; therefore I should be given a break.
10. I am married; therefore, I should be given a break.
11. I would have done much better if I had taken the examination give to one of the other sections.
12. Several people around me copied from my paper during the examination yet they received higher marks than I did. Surely this is not fair.
13. The reason I did not do better is because I am very honest. I do no wish to say anything against any other members of the class.
14. I know many of the class members who do not work as hard as I do and who got a better grade. I am recognized among my classmates as a good student – you just ask any one of them.
15. The question were ambiguous, and therefore, my answers should be graded according to the reasonable interpretations that I made of your questions.
16. Many of the questions could not be answered with straight facts; they were matters of opinion. I do not believe I should be penalize just because my opinions differ from those of the instructor.
17. I have studied this subject from the broad philosophical viewpoint and therefore, I was unable to answer your technical-based question
18. I am philosophically oriented to the realm of ideas; I respond to the sweep and scope of great intellects. My work is beyond the interest in petty details and parrot-like memorizing of those who are merely students
19. At the time of the exam, I was suffering from a severe case of cognitive dissonance and was incapable of coping with the stress of the hour.
20. It is not a higher mark I seek; I care nothing about marks; I think marks are wicked and I disapprove of them. However, this pernicious system of which I am a victim requires marks for achieving success and therefore, I seek a higher mark.
Reasons To Allow Drinking At Work
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.
1. It’s an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If someone does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
16. Casual Sex Friday’s
THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears. With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning…Uphill…BOTH ways
Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!
But now that I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don’t know how good you’ve got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3′s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ’d usually talk over the beginning and f@#$ed it all up!
We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it!
And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘asteroids’. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen, forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn’t see, you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no on screen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!
And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire! Imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.
That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.
You’re spoiled. You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
The over 30 Crowd
1. Don’t get me mad! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies!
2. You are depriving some poor village of its idiot!
3. Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
4. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
5. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
6. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
7. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
8. BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
9. So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute.
10. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
Bad Product Names Translated Into English
Instead of using the literal translation some foreign companies might want to change the name of their products if they want to sell them in America.
Clean Finger Nail – Chinese tissues
Kolic – Japanese mineral water
Creap Creamy Powder – Japanese Coffee Creamer
Swine – Chinese chocolates
Libido – Chinese soda
Pocari Sweat – Japanese sport drink
Shocking – Japanese chewing gum
Cat Wetty – Japanese moistened hand towels
Pipi – Yugoslavian orangeade
Polio – Czechoslovakian laundry detergent
Crundy – Japanese gourmet candy
Superglans – Netherlands car wax
I’m Dripper – Japanese instant coffee
Zit – Greek soft drink
Colon Plus – Spanish detergent