Halloween Is Canceled
Looney Tunes- Episode with Hansel and Gretel
Bugs Bunny & The Witch
Best Part of Halloween 2020
The best part of Halloween 2020 is that since no one is trick or treating this year, you get to eat all the candy! What like you weren’t fat already from being in quarantine?
Different Ways To Deal With Haunting’s
Reason why, based on past and current experiences, I would be the worst main character in a horror movie:
1. One time I was babysitting my siblings and I heard a loud thump so I went up to check on my five year old brother and he was sitting in the middle of his floor. I asked what he was doing, and he said, “It’ll all be over soon.” so I kissed his head and said goodnight and left.
2. When I was thirteen my door fell off it’s hinges while I was reading in my bed and I found screws and fixed it and never told anyone or thought about it again.
3. I woke up in my backyard with a bible on my chest, brushed myself off, and went and ate some cereal.
4. My sister woke me up terrified and brought me to my older sister who was banging her head on a wall while asleep, I walked her to bed and tucked her in, and none of us said anything about it again.
5. My grandma told me our house was haunted and I said, “they seem to be pretty quiet ghosts then.” Right as a cup fell off the counter without anyone near it, I said “that was petty.” And asked my grandma if she wanted to play cards.
6. The heirloom doll that sits in a box under my bed randomly showed up in my windowsill. I figured it was a better spot anyway and left it. It never moved again.
7. I planted some seeds from a box I found in the garage, and the next day all our plants
died so I dug them up and put them back, and everything went back to normal.
8. I moved from a room upstairs to one downstairs and my things kept getting thrown into the hall when I wasn’t home, so I stood in the middle of the room and said, “I’m here now. Deal with it.” My stuff never got thrown out after that.
9. My dad told me he’d been hearing strange noises in the living room at night so I moved the bird cage in there and my dad said it stopped that night.
10. I watched a bunch of my books fall off my shelves so I picked up all the fallen ones and gave them to my grandpa and that was the end of it.
To everyone asking why I’d give my poor old grandpa haunted books:
1. He, is married to the scariest woman I’ve ever met (she almost got mugged when she was eighteen, guess who she’s married to now)
2. Bought a haunted house because it was cheap and told the real estate agent (who wouldn’t go inside alone) “it’s not like we all won’t be ghosts someday, and I don’t mind sharing a kitchen with a few”
3. Firmly believes I am a changeling and decided I’m his favorite grandchild because of it.
No Thanks, SATAN!
I don’t celebrate your birthday.
I went to school in Georgia and I even had teachers telling me that I shouldn’t celebrate Halloween because it was the devil’s birthday and I got suspended for 4 days because wrote an essay entitled “You’re all dumb, the devil wasn’t even born: The story of all hollow’s eve”.
I talked about the history of Halloween, how it was a pagan celebration to venerate and appease the dead and how the devil was technically an angel that was cast from heaven and because angels were created by god they weren’t born therefore the devil couldn’t have a birthday.
My principal was so concerned for me because I was in 3rd grade and he got mad at my mom for raising such a “Disrespectful, hedonistic child” and suspended me for week.
She bought me ice cream and let me watch cartoons while I was out of school.
Funny Halloween Quotes
• Last Halloween was bad for me. I got beat up. I went to a party dressed as a piñata. – Jim Samuels
• I don’t know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids. – Robert Brault
• Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, ‘Never take candy from strangers.’ And then they dressed me up and said, ‘Go beg for it.’ I didn’t know what to do! I’d knock on people’s doors and go, ‘Trick or treat.’ ‘No thank you.’ – Rita Rudner
• When I was 12, I went as my mother for Halloween. I put on a pair of heels, went door to door, and criticized what everyone else was wearing. – Robin Bach
• On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. – Rodney Dangerfield
• Be sure to remember when Halloween is. Answering the door when you’re three-quarters crocked and finding a pack of midget H-Men, Masters of the Universes on the front porch can be a scary experience if you’re not expecting it. – P. J. O’Rourke
• My wife likes to dress up like a witch for Halloween. Same as every other day. – Anonymous
• Being in a band you can wear whatever you want – it’s like an excuse for Halloween everyday. – Gwen Stefani
• Halloween is by far the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch. – Anonymous
• I have to be honest. I don’t really look forward to Halloween as much as November 1st. November 1st should be named “Discount Candy Day.” – Theresa Weaver
• The real monsters are the people that give away little boxes of raisins instead of Halloween candy – Mike Raphone
• I’ve always loved Halloween: the one day of the year when you can blatantly dress as your number-one obsession and people will smile instead of snicker. – J.C. Lillis
• If you’re in Alabama, don’t dress up as a nun, priest or rabbi for Halloween. Impersonating “a minister of any religion” is punishable by fine or jail. – Nina Vizcarrondo
Who Needs A Do Not Call List?
Caller: “Hi I’m calling to tell you that you may have just won…”
Me: “Alright, I hid the body. What do I have to do next? Please, I just want to see my family alive again…”
Caller: No matter what they say, just answer
Me: “l don’t have time for your riddles! Just tell me what I have to do next! Who is it? Who else do you want dead?”
Sob for a few seconds, then say “I…I just want to see them again, I’ll do anything… ”
Then wait till they hang up.
Funny Halloween Jokes For Adults
I got so fed up with trick or treaters at Halloween that in the end I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn’t in.
Forget the ships. My lighthouse, my rules…
I’m not saying my wife is ugly…
but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.
A young boy knocked on my door on Halloween night and said, “Trick or treat?”
I looked at him and asked, “What have you come as?”
He said, “A werewolf.”
I said, “But you’re not wearing a costume. You’ve just got your normal clothes on.”
He said, “Yeah well, it’s not a full moon yet, is it?”
My wife felt like she’d seen a new caring considerate side to me after I spent the day making treats for the Halloween callers yesterday.
I really hope they appreciated my home made toffee onions.
I think it’s a real shame that today’s young people don’t even know why we really celebrate Halloween.
None of us would be here today if Jesus hadn’t slain that giant pumpkin.
My favorite thing to do on Halloween is walk through the burns unit at the hospital and congratulate everyone on their Freddy Kruger
I’m going trick or treating with my mum tonight.
It’s the only time I can take her out as she’s been dead for ten years.
Halloween is easily the scariest night of the year, what with the dead rising from their graves…
and fat girls thinking they look sexy dressed as cats.
Last Halloween there was a knock on the door. I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, “Honey there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?”
She shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.”
My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.
How’s everyone holding up? It’s just crazy out there! I’ve killed 25 zombies so far! And why the hell are they all carrying candy?
The best part about Halloween is that the cobwebs in my house look like decorations.
Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their door.
Found In the Lobby Of An Apartment Building
HEY YOU! YES YOU!! (THE PEEPING TOM):
IF I EVER CATCH YOU LOOKING THROUGH MY WINDOW AGAIN I SWEAR ON EVERYTHING I HOLD DEAR THAT MY COOTER WILL BE THE LAST THING YOUR PERVY EYES WILL EVER SEE AGAIN!
IF I FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE ILL REPORT YOUR ASS TO THE AUTHORITIES AND HAVE YOUR PERVERTED ASS EVICTED FROM THESE PREMISES SO QUICKLY YOU WON’T HAVE TIME TO POP ANOTHER ERECTION.
GET A LIFE PERVERT AND A BETTER HOODIE. IF YOUR GOING TO SPY ON SOMEONE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT DON’T WERE A HOODIE THE COLOR OF THE FUCKING SUN! FUCKING CREEPER.
-YOUR EXTEREMELY DISTURBED AND DISGUCTED NEIGHBOR
P.S. I HOPE YOU TRIP AND BREAK YOUR ANKLE AND ROT IN A DITCH SOMEWHERE. HOPEFULLY JUST NOT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW. Ugh!!!
To the person who saw me peeping at you:
I’m sorry! I know what it looked like but I was actually looking for my cat who just happened to wonder into your bush, I’m not creepy, in fact… I’m quite gay (which should also explain the, color of my hoodie). You don’t have to worry, I’m not a peeping Tom.
Again! So sorry for the intrusion!
The Accused Creeper
P.S. I left a Christmas card under your door with a gift card… buy yourself a robe and don’t walk around your house with your windows open while your naked, next time, no matter how late at night. Merry Christmas!!
Also, was the emphasis on the colors and font necessary?
Even if I was a creeper, that doesn’t make me an illiterate one. *BIG FuCKinG RoLL Eyes*
P.S. #2: YOUR RACK AND “COOTER” WASN’T AT ALL IMPRESSIVE. BITCH PLEASE I HAVE BETTER TASTE.
P.S. #3: Apologies to any neighbor for the language on both our behalf’s. As you can see, I also have manners and common curtesy. Perhaps the dearly disgusted neighbor should pick some up as well. Too bad you can’t put a price tag on that, otherwise I would have gotten her more gift cards. Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!
Top 10 Things Not To Say On Your Anniversary
10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about sex.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to do it together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don’t like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here’s a $5 gift certificate for McDonald’s.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I’ll take you to Pizza Hut if it’ll shut ya up.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
The Sierra Club And The U.S. Forest Service
You gotta understand the problem before you can solve it – another life lesson
The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a “more humane” solution to this issue.
What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive.
The males would then be castrated and let loose again.
This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; “Son, I don’t think you understand our problem here… these coyotes ain’t screwin’ our sheep… they’re eatin’ ‘em!”
The meeting never really got back to order
That’s Pretty Cold
Someone once told me “Your sister is so pretty, you look nothing alike!”
It was a while since I’ve been to the doctor and he asked me if I lost weight. B4 1 could answer he looked at my chart & said, “Oh, THATS a no.” Then laughed like it was the funniest thing he’s heard that day.
When I dropped my daughter off at preschool, un-showered and with no makeup and she said – “When you pick me up are you going to look like that or will you be pretty with makeup on?”
Walking home from the school bus, my friend tried reminiscing with me about a fun party. Then he said “oh wait… we didn’t invite you.’
When I asked my mom how long I should microwave a 25lb turkey she told me that she doesn’t think I have enough friends to use up a 25lb turkey.
At the DMV getting my new license pic taken. DMV lady looked at it for a few seconds and said “awwww, sweetie do you want to try again”.
Years ago at work; Pretty Woman by Roy Orbison played on the radio. I was an insecure teen, but was having a bold moment. I announced to a guy I worked: hey, you know this song is about me? His dry, crushing reply: You know he’s blind, right?
The night before I left for college, my dad said cheerily, “The best part of you going so far away to school is that no one there knows about your personality!”
Once we passed a field of cows and my dad goes “hey Taylor, there’s your real family!”
When I was a child I used to run around the house and my dad used to call me a dementor. It wasn’t because of the costume it was because I sucked all the happiness out of his life.
I’m a second grade teacher… we were talking about Halloween costumes and one of my students shouted out that “Miss Porting doesn’t need a costume, she’s already scary.’
I went to an audition for a tv commercial and they asked “have you considered radio?”
I took my brother out for his 18th birthday, clearly he drank too much. When we got home he threw up and passed out, and my mom screamed “oh my god, you’ve ruined my ONLY good son!” There are only two of us.
We found out my wife was pregnant, I said to my Dad: “l can’t wait to teach them everything I know.”
He replied: “What are you gonna do when that 10 minutes is up?”
My mom says to me “you’re brilliant, your mind is a sponge” my sister says “hey what about me?” My mom said, “you’re pretty”.
I told my 10 year old I was happy being me, so he should be happy being himself, to which he replied “even though you’re short and not married?”
Someone asked me to point out my three kids at a track meet. When I did, she turned to me and said “I’m always amazed when such ordinary looking people have attractive kids”.
When my daughter was about 4 years old, she happened to see me naked one morning and while pointing at my chest she asked, “Mommy, am I going to have LONG boobs like you?”
I once found a giant eraser that said “for mistakes” on it, so I rubbed it on my brother, he wasn’t impressed.
My college professor after teaching a topic in a class of 50 students would ask only me – Did you understand this?
When I would say yes, he would reply – Good. That means everyone understood.
Got asked if I was in middle school. I was in my mid 20′s.
A Father Calls To Check On His Wife.
“Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
Brief pause. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute,” A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.”
“And what happened honey?” he asked.
“Well, Mommy got all scared, and jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she’s cussing and crying. ”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he broke his leg.”
Even Longer Pause…
Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? Is this 310-555-5731?”