Honest Political Ads – Gil Fulbright for Senate
George Carlin’s Rules Fro The Modern World
1. Stop friending me on Facebook. There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
2. Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout!?
3. Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
4. If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.
5. Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.
6. There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.
7. Stop fu(king with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
8. The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge asshole.
9. I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
10. Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.
11. Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”
12. I don’t need a bigger mega M&M. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.
13. If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.
14. No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.
15. This one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
16. When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months. “27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place
A Southern Landing
Dallas ATC: “Tower to Saudi Air 911–You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R.”
Saudi Air: “Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel’s runway 9R -Allah be Praised!!!”
Dallas ATC: “Tower to Iran Air 711–You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R.”
Iran Air: “Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel’s runway
9R. -Allah is Great!!!”
Saudi Air: “DALLAS ATC!!! DALLAS ATC!!!”
Dallas ATC: “Go ahead Saudi Air 911?”
Saudi Air: “YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: “Well bless your hearts. Y’all be careful now and tell Allah ‘hey’ for us — ya hear?”
More Bumper Stickers
• All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
• All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
• All Men Are Idiots… And I Married Their King.
• All my drinking buddies have a racing problem.
• All stressed out and nobody to choke!
• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
• Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
• Always Remember: You’re Unique, Just Like Everyone Else.
• AMERICA-Love It Or Leave It!
• Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
• ANGER IS MERELY DEPRESSION WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM!
• Another brilliant mind ruined by higher education.
• Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
• Anything Free Is Worth What You Pay For It
• Are you following Jesus this close?
• As If
• As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
• Ask me about micro waving cats for fun and profit.
• Ask me about my vow of silence.
• Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. – Dorothy
• Avoid Hangovers; Stay Drunk
• Ax Me About Ebonics
Wal-Mart has announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item:
Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with E &J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but “there is a market for cheap wine”, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: “But the right name is important.”
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand. The top surveyed names in reverse order of popularity are:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
The First Realizations That You’re Not In College Anymore
• You’re waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed at 6am
• Beers at lunch get you reprimanded
• College sweatshirts are casual instead of dress up
• Your parents now charge rent
• Your parents walk in on you having sex, instead of your roommate
• The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, munchies, and cereal
• It’s “getting late” when it’s 10:30 p.m.
• Three words: Student Loan Payments
• You make thousands of dollars a year…and still can’t afford a new car
• You start eyeing the light beer commercial appreciatively
• Instead of GPA’s & phone rates, you talk about IRA’s & Interest rates
• Sleeping on the couch is now frowned upon
• Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.
• Sneakers are now weekend shoes
• Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one
• Jack and Cokes become Wine Coolers
• The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol
• You get your news from sources other than MTV
• You wear more ties/shirts in a week than you owned the whole time you were in college
• You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams
• You empathize with the characters from “Friends”
• Football season tickets now cost $750 instead of $75
• You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time
• Grocery lists actually contain a lot of healthy food
• You’re the only one over the age of 16 in the neighborhood with video games
Toughest Golf Shot
A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Forget it, man, you’ll never hit her from here!”
Perks Of Being Over 60
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run–anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20. You can’t remember where you found this list.
Zero To 200
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 12th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the “Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation,” Dallas, Texas.
Slogans That Never Quite Caught On
Microsoft: “How much are you going to pay today?”
MTV: “Loud and easy to spell.”
Saks 5th Avenue: “You Could Shop Here If You’re Poor, But That Would Be Stupid!”
Iguana: “The other green meat.”
Nike: “Just buy the damn shoes, you flabby spineless lump!”
Daisy Air Rifles: “Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years.”
Canon Photocopiers: “Quit calling them Xeroxes, dammit!”
Apple MacIntosh: “Hey, we thought of it first!”
Radio Shack: “You’ve got questions, we’ve got geek losers!”
Professional Bowling on NBC: “Oh, why don’t you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?”
You’re somewhere in-between a “Baby Boomer” and the “Generation X’er” if:
• You remember when Jordache jeans were cool
• In the fifth grade you wore an Izod shirt with the collar up
• The Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories
• Three words: Atari, IntelliVision and Coleco
• “Safe Sex” meant that your parents were gone for the weekend
• You remember Friday Night Videos before the days of MTV
• A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid
• You remember when music that was labeled “Alternative” really was
• You took family trips before the invention of the minivan
• You rode in the back of the station wagon, facing the cars behind you
• You now view getting carded to buy alcohol as a good thing
• You painfully remember the sad day your old Big Wheel was obsolete
• The phrase “Where’s the beef” still doubles you over with laughter
• You now fall into the third age category on most questionnaires
• Your 1980′s hair is best described by the phrase, “I was experimenting”
• This list approximates the actual events in your life
• When “Star Wars” opened, you were a kid
• When the “Empire Strikes Back” opened, you were a pre-teen
• When “Return of the Jedi” opened, you’re finally a teenager
• At “Return of the Jedi” you couldn’t stop looking at Princess Leia’s breasts
• You now believe that year round school isn’t such a bad idea after all
• You ever used the phrase “Kiss mah grits!” in conversation
• You guessed the episode of “The Brady Bunch” from the first scene
• You spent endless nights dreaming of Bionic or Wonder Woman
• Your girl friend taped Luke & Laura’s wedding on “General Hospital”
• You remember, “Hey, let’s be careful out there”
• You know who shot JR
• This rings a bell: “…and my name is Charlie and they work for me”
• You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on
• You know all the words to the double album set of “Grease”
• You ever dated a girl with a Dorothy Hammill haircut
• “All skate, change direction” means something to you
• You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear
• You owned a preppy handbook
• You were too young to see “The Blue Lagoon”
• You remember when there was only PG and R none of this PG-13 crap
• You learned to swim about the same time “Jaws” came out
• You still carry the emotional scars to this day from the above
• You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch
• You believed everything Leonard Nimoy told you on “In Search Of…”
• Your jaw would ache from those brick sized packages of Bazooka gum
• You remember when VCRs cost $2,000
• There was nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together
• The term rotary dial telephones rings a bell
• The theme song to “Greatest American Hero” still comes back to you
• You’ve ever conversationally used the phrase, “Jane, you ignorant slut!”