Friday Fun Stuff – 10-4-19

The Navy SEAL Who Killed bin Laden Makes His Stand-Up Debut


Instagram Vs. Real Life


Ways To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On Your Computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is “Bubba”.
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On Your Computer…

1. The mouse is referred to as a “critter”.


Buzzword Phrase Generator

Impress your boss and irritate your staff!!!

Have you ever felt the need to use those wonderful “buzzwords” that are so impressive that nobody understands them? NOW YOU CAN! – With the Bloggo Patent Buzzword Generator….

INSTRUCTIONS FOR USE
Simply select at random 4 numbers between 1 – 64 and string the corresponding word from each column.

EXAMPLE
If you are asked a question to which you do not know the answer think of four numbers and string the words together in a sentence.

A little practice will have you astounding your colleagues.

1 Zero Financing Feedback System
2 Positive Socio Economic Concept
3 Negative Political Demographic Analysis
4 Micro Integrated Forecasting Horizon
5 Macro Privatized Elastic Timescale
6 Tactical Sensitized Inhibiting Action
7 Optimum Strategic Planning Cycle
8 Facilitating Elastic Employment Negotiation
9 Corporate Segmented Disaster Overview
10 Regulatory Distinctive Shift Plan
11 Synergistic Transformational Competence Strategy
12 Optimistic Marketing Awareness Scenario
13 Pessimistic Situational Interactive Syndrome
14 Fascinating Infra Synchro Matrix
15 Marginal Costed Inter Loop
16 Multi Negative Highlight Audit


Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers

• No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
• If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
• If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
• Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
• If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
• If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
• Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
• The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
• The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
• The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.


What Not To Name Your Dog

Everybody who has a dog calls him “Rover” or “Spot” I made the mistake of calling mine “Sex”.

Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said “I’d like to have one too!” Then I said “But this is for a dog.” He said “I don’t care what she looks like.” Then I said “You don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was nine years old.” He said “You must have been quite a kid.”

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. Not wanting the dog to bother us, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and I and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said “You don’t understand, Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said “Me too.”

One day I entered Sex in a dog show, before the competition began, another contestant asked me what I was doing. I told him that I planned to have Sex in the show. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. When I asked if the show was televised he called me a pervert.

I left my dog at the Veterinarian. When I went to pick him up I said “I’ve come for my dog.” She said “Which one Spot or Rover?” I said “What about Sex?” She slapped me. After I straightened out the misunderstanding, I asked if Sex was good for her. She slapped me again.

Sex ran away, I went to the dog pound. As I was looking in all the cages the operator came up to me. I said I’m looking for Sex. He said I was looking in all the wrong places.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said “Your Honor I had Sex before I was married.” He said “What’s your point, so did I.” I said “But my wife wants to take Sex away.” He said “That’s what happens in a divorce.”

Last night Sex ran off. I spent hours looking for him all over town. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” I said I was looking for Sex…….

My case comes up Friday.


I Need To Leave Work Early Because…

1. I’m having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards
2. I’m having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards
3. I’m having my hats checked this noon, and I’ll be having a drop or two so I won’t be able to work afterwards
4. I’m having a root canal
5. I’m having a tax audit
6. I’m going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile (Is that beating a dead horse?)
7. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification
8. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than $100,000 in any one federally insured institution
9. I need to break into my kid’s piggy bank while he’s not home
10. I have to renew my driver’s license
11. I have to get new license plates
12. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions THEN I have to breeze by and renew my driver’s license and get new license plates
13. I’ve got an urgent session with my therapist
14. I’ve got a really urgent session with my therapist
15. I’ve … I … I’m not … I don’t … I CAN’T COPE WITH THIS!!
16. I have to get my contact lenses fitted
17. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted
18. I have to get my big toe calibrated
19. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town
20. My rheumatism is acting up There’s going to be a terrible tornado
21. My arthritis is acting up There’s going to be a terrible blizzard
22. The pharaoh is acting up There’s going to be a terrible rain of frogs
23. I need to give blood
24. I need to give evidence
25. I need to give up


Compare The Genders

GROCERIES
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.

A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.

A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

A man will dress up for: weddings & funerals.

LAUNDRY
Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.

When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.

Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of “Love, American Style.”

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


Miscellaneous Quotes

I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.
-Lou Holtz

Trying to sneak a pitch past Hank Aaron is like trying to sneak the sunrise past a rooster.
-Joe Adcock, Milwaukee Braves first baseman

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
-George Carlin

I met a guy who was half Italian and half Chinese. His name was Video Pong.
-unknown

It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
-Mark Twain

Statistics always remind me of the fellow who drowned in a river whose average depth was three feet.
-Woody Hayes, Ohio State football coach

My wife made me a millionaire. I used to have three million.
-Bobby Hull

I had a better year than he did.
-Babe Ruth, on why President Hoover made less than the $80,000 Ruth was demanding in 1930

All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, “See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.”
-Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on.
-Robert Byrne

The good thing about stereotypes is they’re usually true.
-me

We seem to have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
-The Vent

Last season we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.
-Harry Neale, NHL coach

I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad you’re having trouble.
-Tommy Lasorda

I tell him, “Attaway to hit, George,”
-Jim Frey, Kansas City Royals manager, on the advice he gives George Brett on hitting

How do these celebrities stay so impossibly thin? Simple: They have full-time personal trainers, who advise them on nutrition, give them pep talks, and shoot them with tranquilizer darts whenever they try to crawl, on hunger-weakened limbs, toward the packet of rice cakes that constitutes the entire food supply in their 37,000-square-foot mansions. For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).
-Dave Barry

I left because of illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of me.
-John Ralston, former Denver Broncos coach

I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them.
-Jane Austen

The best way to turn a woman’s head is to tell her she has a beautiful profile.
-Sacha Guitry

It is best to read the weather forecasts before we pray for rain.
-Mark Twain

Philosophy consists very largely of one philosopher arguing that all other philosophers are jackasses. He usually proves it, and I should add that he also usually proves that he is one himself.
-H.L. Mencken

Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”
Winston Churchill: “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”

Nancy Astor: “Sir, if you were my husband, I would give you poison.”
Churchill: “If I were your husband I would take it.”

Blind people come to the park just to listen to him pitch.
-Reggie Jackson, on Tom Seaver

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.
-Pearl Williams


Drink

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my sister to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I’m not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I’m not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

– Author unknown


Great Messages For Your Outgoing Voice Mail

“This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today’s vocabulary word. Today’s word is supercilious.”

“The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.”

“This is Jeff, you’re not in now so I’ll leave a message.”

“Hi! You have reached 867-5309. This is an answering machine. This is the Eighties. You know what to do.”

Ring, Ring:
“The number you have reached xxx-xxxx (my number) has been changed, the new number is xxx-xxxx (again, my number). Please re-dial.”

(Background music is frantic, violin oriented)
“Hello. You have reached xxx-xxxx. We are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave a message.”

(phone rings)
(you answer) “Hello, this is (insert your name here) speaking. I’d like a large pizza with extra anchovies.”
(other person) “What?”
(you reply) “Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number.”
(hang up)

“I’m home right now. I’m just screening my calls. So just start talking and if you’re someone I want to speak to I’ll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?”

“Hi, you have reached (insert your name here) Please leave your name, phone number and a message and if we like it we will return your call”.

“This is David. I’m not using the phone over Yom Kippur, so please leave a message or call back after the holiday.”

“Hello, this is Dr. (insert your name here). If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can’t, so if you could leave your name and number maybe I’ll get back to you.”

“Hello, I’m not here right now. In fact, I’m out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I’ll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.”

“Hi this is (insert your name here). I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.”

“Hello. I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?”

“Hello, this is (insert your name here). I’m home right now, and in a few moments, I’ll have a decision to make. BEEEP!”


I Need To Leave Work Early Because…

1. I’m having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards
2. I’m having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards
3. I’m having my hats checked this noon, and I’ll be having a drop or two so I won’t be able to work afterwards
4. I’m having a root canal
5. I’m having a tax audit
6. I’m going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile (Is that beating a dead horse?)
7. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification
8. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than $100,000 in any one federally insured institution
9. I need to break into my kid’s piggy bank while he’s not home
10. I have to renew my driver’s license
11. I have to get new license plates
12. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions THEN I have to breeze by and renew my driver’s license and get new license plates
13. I’ve got an urgent session with my therapist
14. I’ve got a really urgent session with my therapist
15. I’ve … I … I’m not … I don’t … I CAN’T COPE WITH THIS!!
16. I have to get my contact lenses fitted
17. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted
18. I have to get my big toe calibrated
19. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town
20. My rheumatism is acting up There’s going to be a terrible tornado
21. My arthritis is acting up There’s going to be a terrible blizzard
22. The pharaoh is acting up There’s going to be a terrible rain of frogs
23. I need to give blood
24. I need to give evidence
25. I need to give up


Well It Sure Looks Like An American Soldier…
Except For That Stick Coming Out Of It’s Head
Well It Sure Looks Like An American Soldier...Except For That Stick Coming Out Of It's Head
 
If It Starts Talking I’m Waking Up
If It Starts Talking I'm Waking Up
 
Redneck Mansion
Redneck Mansion
 
Well At Least Their Honest About It
Well At Least Their Honest About It
 
Your Really Don’t Want To Live Anymore Do You Kid?
Your Really Don't Want To Live Anymore Do You Kid
 
The Only One He Could Get Was Her
The Only One He Could Get Was Her
 
I Think Your Loosing These For A Different Reason
I Think Your Loosing These For A Different Reason
 
Just What Made You Think This Would Fit?
Just What Made You Think This Would Fit
 
Sorry Herbert, But Times Are Tough So You’re The One Were Going To Have To Lay Off
Sorry Herbert, But Times Are Tough So You're The One Were Going To Have To Lay Off
 
President Demands Practical Joke Be Made Permanent
President Demands Practical Joke Be Made Perminant

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