A Few Of My Favorite Things – Covid 19 version
Corona Virus Jokes Are Spreading Like, Well, Corona Virus …
I feel like nature has sent us all to our rooms for being assholes.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my Ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown.
An unsettling reversal of my teenage years, I’m now yelling at my parents for going out.
In 2060
“Someone ate bat soup”
“Then what happened grandpa”
“The whole world fought for toilet paper”
“Why”
“Hush now little one. Go to sleep”
My coworker keeps farting, asking for my lunch, and playing on his tablet while I do all the work. I went to HR and they just said, “Leave my grand baby alone!”
The people going to crowded events right now are the same people who hear a weird noise in horror movies and decide to split off and check it out.
The plan? Create a virus that infects the population in order to increase hand sanitizer sales.
Really bummed that I might have to see Jumanji 2 at home and not where it was meant to be seen, on an airplane.
Corona virus sounds like something you get after having sex at a Jimmy Buffet concert.
They shouldn’t have tried to hold and election AND teach Americans how to wash their hands, all in the same year. It was too much. We were overwhelmed.
Ladies if you quarantined with your bo, now is a great time to bring up all of the issues you’ve been letting slide in the relationship, no matter how minor.
He latterly cannot leave; he has no choice but to talk it out!
Some say keep the piece; I say seize the day!
I Was Home Schooled In Many Ways
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
” Because I said so, that’s why .”
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident. ”
7. My father taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out…”
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
“Stop acting like your father!”
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
“You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me..”
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24. My mother taught me WISDOM
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you! ”
A Better Way To Live Life
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What is that, a bonus? I think the cycle is all backwards. You should die first. Get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young. You get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs and alcohol. You party. You get ready for High School. You go to grade school and become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities. You become a baby. You go into the womb. You spend your last nine months floating…you finish off as an orgasm.
To All the Drunk Women: 20 Clues to Calling it a Night
You Know It’s Time To Go Home When…
1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You’ve just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone’s ass.
4. In your last trip to “pee” you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than three hours before you’re due to start work.
8. You’ve found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The man you’re flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. You’ve forgotten where you live.
12. You’ve started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you’ve smoked, because (as you’ve mentioned like 10x’s by now) you only smoke when you drink.
13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that’s just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
14. You think you’re in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
15. You start every conversation with a booming, “Don’t take this the wrong way but…”
16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid’s down when you sit on it.
17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. You’re tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.
20. You start making-out with middle-eastern men on dance floors.
Bart’s Chalkboard
The opening credits of “The Simpsons” shows Bart Simpson writing on the school chalk board the same sentence over and over again, (the ole “write it 100 times” punishment). Each episode however the sentence is different. Someone (not me, thank you) went to the trouble to tape the shows, watch and copy down many of the sentences that Bart writes on the chalkboard.
1. I will not carve gods.
2. I will not spank others.
3. I will not aim for the head.
4. I will not barf unless I’m sick
5. I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
6. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher’s lounge.
7. I will not conduct my own fire drills.
8. Funny noises are not funny.
9. I will not snap bras.
10. I will not fake seizures.
11. This punishment is not boring and pointless.
12. My name is not Dr. Death.
13. I will not defame New Orleans.
14. I will not prescribe medication.
15. I will not bury the new kid.
16. I will not teach others to fly.
17. I will not bring sheep to class.
18. A burp is not an answer.
19. Teacher is not a leper.
20. Coffee is not for kids.
21. I will not eat things for money.
22. I will not yell “She’s Dead” at roll call.
23. The principal’s toupee is not a Frisbee.
24. I will not call the principal “spud head”.
Why We Split Up
She told me we couldn’t afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore. Too bad, but I would have to quit drinking.
Then the next day I caught her spending $65.00 on a tiny bottle of make-up.
I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn’t.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that wasn’t necessary, that’s what the beer was for!
Besides, my beer was 40 bucks cheaper.
I don’t think she’s coming back…
George Carlin Sarcastic Lines
1. Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
2. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
3. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
4. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
5. Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
6. Religion is like a pair of shoes…..Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.
7. If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
8. Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
9. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
10. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it ?
11. Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
12. People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
13. I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench close by begins to ring with a deafening and highly irritating Rap Tune. Someone screams, “Turn that thing off before I throw it in the shower room!”
The man nearest to the phone reaches over. He engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello?”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes, I am.”
WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models for next year. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$60,000″
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’ve come down $10,000 and now they are asking $950,000. What do you think, should we make them an offer?”
MAN: “Absolutely. Go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $940,000 so they will know we are serious buyers.”
WOMAN: “OK, Honey! Now you’re talking! I can’t wait to see you later! Look for me upstairs and don’t be long! I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then the man smiles and asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”
Rules Of Chocolate
• If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
• Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
• The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
• Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.
• A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?
• If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
• But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?
• If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
• If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don’t they actually counteract each other?
• Money talks. Chocolate sings.
• Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
• Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
• A. Because no one wants to quit.
• If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
• Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do every today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
Reality Check
1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
2. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re getting old. Squash their toes with your rocker.
3. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
4. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
5. Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that time when you know when to say yes and when to say no, and when to say WHOOPPEE!
6. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
7. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, just think of Algebra.
8. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
9. I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
10. The golden years are really just metallic years: gold in the tooth, silver in your hair, and lead in the rear.
11. Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18.
12. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
13. Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a succession of jerks.
14. Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
15. Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and blind that they don’t recognize you.
16. If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.
17. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.
| I’m Guessing He Blamed It On The Kids |
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| If This Were Real They’d Make A Fortune |
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| Stuck At Home Without A Barbecue |
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| They Wouldn’t Have Mentioned It If Someone Hadn’t Had Done It |
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| And They Still Wonder Why They’re Broke |
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| Now That’s A Warning Label More People Can Relate To |
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| I Always Thought He Had His Head Up His Own Ass |
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Why Didn’t You Tell Me It Was That Simple! I’ve Been Wasting Time Going To The Gym |
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| None Of This Will Ever Apply To Me! |
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