Home School Blues – Tim Hawkins
Yes Tom Hanks Really Does Have It
Tom Hanks survived 4 years on an island as a castaway
He spent a year in an airport without being able to leave
Caught AIDS in Philadelphia
He was in World War II and rescued Private Ryan
He went to Vietnam and rescued Lieutenant Dan
Was on a boat kidnapped by Somali pirates
survived Apollo 13 trying to reach the Moon
Landed a Boeing on the Hudson River
If that son of a bitch dies of corona virus, we are ALL fucked!!!
Ideas About Science
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain’s contention that the ‘most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
1. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
2. We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
3. To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
4. In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H’s as O’s.
5. Clouds are high flying fogs.
6. I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
7. Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
8. Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
9. Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
10. We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won’t drown when we breathe.
11. Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
12. Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
13. In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
14. Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
15. A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
16. A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
17. A monsoon is a French gentleman.
18. Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
19. Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
20. It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
21. The wind is like the air, only pushier.
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here’s how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
(You’ll love this)
“What’s for dinner, Zorro?”
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies:
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.
Some people are like slinkies – not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told him.
‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken!
Why We Miss Rodney Dangerfield………..
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly… They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’
My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.
The children began to taste and identify Life Savers flavors by their color:
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, ‘Oh my Gosh! They’re ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!
Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.>
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged.
The market for raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated. And toilet paper touched a new bottom.
If I ever need a heart transplant, I’d want my ex’s. It’s never been used.
Take my advice — I’m not using it.
I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
The difference between “Girlfriend” and “Girl Friend” is that little space in between we call the “Friend Zone”.
Farting is like the frozen song. In the public: Conceal, don’t feel… Don’t let them know. At home: Let it go, let it go… Can’t hold it back anymore.
People who write “u” instead of “you”. What do you do with all the time you save?
Facebook is telling me to ’reconnect’ with my brother…hmmm, I see him everyday
I love my life, but it just wants to be friends…
I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.
Light travels faster than sound, which is why people like you appear bright—until they open their mouths.
If you need so much space, there’s always NASA.
Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.
Save a tree, eat a beaver! Hurray for Earth Day!
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.
Wear a face mask and use hand sanitizers, CORVID-19 is nothing to sneeze at.
Reuse a plastic bag, Save a petrochemical.
The buzzword in today’s business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of “Marketing.” Well, here it is:
You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Direct Marketing.
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, while pointing at you, says, “She’s fantastic in bed.” That’s Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party. First you straighten your dress, then you walk up to him and pour him a drink. After handing him the drink, you say, “May I?” and reach up to straighten his tie. In the process of fixing his tie, you brush your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way,
I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Public Relations.
You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.” That’s Brand Recognition.
You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That’s a Sales Rep.
Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you. That’s Tech Support.
You slip a letter outlining your se xual skills and your experience into the pocket of every man at a party whether he is cute or ugly, young or old, wealthy or poor, married or single, walking or crippled. That’s Junk Mail.
You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center, get your megaphone ready, and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!” That’s Spam.