No, A Mickey Mouse Cartoon
The Wit And Wisdom Of Homer J Simpson
“Now son, you don’t want to drink beer, That’s for Daddy’s, and kids with fake IDs.”
“Marge, it takes two to lie, One to lie and one to listen.”
“You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.”
“Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaselling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.”
“If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
“To alcohol! The cause of – and solution to – all of life’s problems!”
“I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, ‘The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.”
“I want to share something with you – three sentences that will get you through life:
• Number one, ‘Cover for me.’
• Number two, ‘Oh, good idea, boss.’
• Number three, ‘It was like that when I got here.’
“Marge, you’re as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.”
“Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. ‘Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville Population: you.’”
“Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, goodnight.”
“Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.”
“Stealing! How could you? Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what’s-his-name?
We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police academy movies? For fun? Well I didn’t hear anybody laughin’, did you?”
“Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘sir’ without adding, you’re making a scene.’”
It’s Company Policy
Company Policy: Effective Immediately
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation’s, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management Team
• A teenager is always too tired to hold a dishcloth, but never too tired to hold a phone.
• Mothers of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young
• Attention Teenager: ‘No’ is a complete sentence
• Imagination is something that sits up with Dad and Mom the first time their teenager stays out late.
• Why do they rate a movie “R” for “adult language?” The only people I hear using that language are teenagers”
• Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
• Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree”
• The main problem with teenagers is that they’re just like their parents were at their age
• Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.
Modern Barbie Dolls
This princess Barbie is sold only at Saks. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version. Princess Barbie is easily exchanged, and occasionally mistaken for Yuppie Barbie.
Girls Who Lunch Barbie
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
Green Earth Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks , or combat boots with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Green Earth Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
Trailer Trash Barbie
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gut Ken out of Trailer Trash Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a skimpy halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.
Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
4. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!
5. When people say, while watching a film, “Did you see that?”. No, Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya, Sunshine?
7. When something is “new and improved!”…Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn’t be new.
8. When people say “life is short”. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever experiences!! What can you do that’s longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, Dumb-ass?
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.
“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!”
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, “Son, what happened last ! night?”
His son says, “Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”
Confused, Marty asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said,
“Lady, leave me alone! I’m married!”
Self-induced hangover — $100.00
Broken furniture — $2,000.00
Breakfast — $10.00
Saying The Right Thing While Drunk — PRICELESS
I had to look up “paraprosdokian”. Here is the definition: “Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.” “Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,” is a type of paraprosdokian.
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
9. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
10. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
22. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
25. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Words of Wisdom “The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
The War Hero
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
“Johnny, do you have a story to share?” the teacher asked.
“Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in the Iraq war and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
“Good Heavens” said the horrified teacher. “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?”
“Stay the heck away from Aunt Karen when she’s drinking!
1. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
2. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
3. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
4. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
5. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
6. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.
7. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
8. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
9. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
10. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
11. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
12. Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it!
13. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up.
14. Procrastinate Now!
15. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
16. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
17. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
18. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
19. Ham and eggs…A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true)
20. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
21. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
22. I smile because I don’t know what is going on.
23. Any woman can have the body of a 21 year old…as long as she buys him a few drinks first,
24. It’s scary when you start to make the same noises as your coffee maker.
25. Men are always whining about how you’re suffocating them. Personally I think if you can hear them whining you’re not pressing hard enough on the pillow.
26. Ever notice how people who tell you to calm down…are the ones who got you mad in the first place.
The Traffic Sign
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.”
“What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff.
“I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!”
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, “You’ve got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster.”
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really made the drivers speed up even faster. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?”
The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.” He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. “How’s the ! problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?”
“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.” He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, “I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign… It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers…”
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John’s house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
Go slow and watch out for chicks!!