Mad TV: Natural Miracle Cures Infomercial
Chemical Analysis Of Human Elements
Element Name: WOMAN.
Atomic weight: ‘Don’t even go there’.
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious gemstones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50).
Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature. Gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to age and rust, older samples are unable to conduct electricity as well as younger samples.
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (child) for prolonged periods of time. Can be neutralized by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Quotes On Stuff
- He who can does – he who cannot, teaches. (George Bernard Shaw)
- In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards. (Mark Twain)
- Dublin University contains the dream of Ireland – rich and thick. (Samuel Beckett)
- Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. (Mark Twain)
- Don’t let schooling interfere with your education. (Mark Twain)
- I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like ‘What I’m going to be if I grow up.’ (Lenny Bruce)
- In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some. (Emo Philips)
- Ice-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal. (Voltaire)
- Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)
- I just love Chinese food. My favorite dish is number 27. (Clement Atlee)
- There’s no such thing as a free lunch. (Milton Friedman)
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days. (Garrison Keillor)
- The first thing we do, let’s kill all lawyers. (William Shakespeare)
- The only difference between doctors and lawyers is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you, too. (Anton Chekhov)
- It’s not the people who are in prison worry me. It’s the people who aren’t. (Arthur Gore)
Perfect Golf Shot
Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, “What the hell is taking so long?” “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,” Bob explained. “I want to make a perfect shot.” “Get real!” his companion exclaimed. “You don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”
Rules Of Life
1. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.
2. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: “I apologize” and “You are right.”
3. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
4. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.
5. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, “Go! You might meet somebody!”
6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her. . . believe them.
7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, ‘Will this matter one year from
now? How about one month? One week? One day?’
8. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
11. Work is good, but it’s not that important.
12. And finally… Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
There’s The Teacher
The children had all been photographed for school pictures, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’”
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s teacher; she’s dead.”
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren’t
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Do you mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I need to lick one more, I’m going to gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. Hmmm…looks like it’s out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It’s an entry-level position.
2. When do you suppose you’ll be getting off today?
1. It’s just not fair… I do all the work while he just sits there.
Tube Drivers On The London Underground
Below are genuine announcements made by Tube Drivers on the London Underground. (The Tube is the London subway system).
At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): “Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like Sardines, see if I care, I’m going home.”
“Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheels.”
“Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.”
“Please mind the closing doors…” The doors close… The doors reopen. “Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let’s try it again. Please stand clear of the doors.” The doors close… “Thank you.”
“I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don’t know when we’ll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly…usually in bits.”
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologies for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, we apologies for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…’.”
“We are now traveling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that.”
“Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me.”
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: “Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen. Unfortunately, towels are not provided.”
“Please allow the doors to close! Try not to confuse this with: ‘Please hold the doors open’. The two are distinct and separate instructions.”
“Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.”
“To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage – what part of ‘Stand Clear of the Doors’ don’t you understand?”
“Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause…) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train – put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your #@&%! – sideways.”
If Men Got Pregnant
1. Maternity leave would last two years….with full pay.
2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.
5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
8. They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.
9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
12. They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.
14. Women would rule the world.
You Haven’t Had That Talk With Him Yet Have You?
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
“That’s a serious step,” he said. “Have you thought it out completely?”
“Yes,” his young son answered. “We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It’s right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.”
“How about transportation?” the father asked.
“I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,” the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, “What about babies? When you’re married, you’re liable to have babies, you know.”
“We’ve thought about that, too,” the little boy replied.
“We’re not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I’m going to step on it!”
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge that to let him keep her. – Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together. – Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates
Woman inspires us to do great things, and then prevents us from achieving them. -
The great question…which I have not been able to answer…is, “What does a woman want?” – Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. – Anonymous
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” – Henry Youngman
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.” – Sam Kinison
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.” – James Holt McGavran
“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” – Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you’re wrong, Admit it.
2. Whenever you’re right shut up.
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once… – Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. – Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield