The Greta Thunberg Helpline
1. Out of my mind…Back in five minutes.
2. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
3. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
4. Be nice to your kids…They will pick out your nursing home.
5. Make yourself at home…..clean my kitchen
6. Better living through denial
7. Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done
8. Is it time for your medication or mine?
9. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
10. And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be?
World ends; women, minorities hardest hit.
-proposed New York Times headline
A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, con a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.
-Robert A. Heinlein
When all is said and done, as a rule, more is said than done.
I don’t care what is written about me so long as it isn’t true.
You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.
-Dorothy Parker, when asked to use the word “horticulture” in a sentence
-Calvin Coolidge, to a newspaper reporter who bet him he could make him say three words
How can they tell?
-Dorothy Parker, on the news that Calvin Coolidge had died
Learning isn’t a means to an end; it’s an end in and of itself.
-Robert A. Heinlein
I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.
-Steven Wright (just think about it for a minute)
The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter—it’s the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.
History may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme a lot.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I’d Love To, But…
Just once I’d like to be able to say one of these instead of hearing them.
1. I prefer to remain an enigma.
2. I have to floss my cat.
3. I’ve dedicated my life to linguini.
4. I want to spend more time with my blender.
5. The President said he might drop in.
6. The man on television told me to say tuned.
7. I’ve been scheduled for a karma transplant.
8. I’m staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
9. It’s my parakeet’s bowling night.
10. It wouldn’t be fair to the other Beautiful People.
11. I’m building a pig from a kit.
12. I did my own thing and now I’ve got to undo it.
13. I’m enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
14. There’s a disturbance in the Force.
15. I’m doing door to door collecting for static cling.
16. I have to go to the post office to see if I’m still wanted.
17. I’m teaching my ferret to yodel.
18. I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
19. I’m going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
20. I’m planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
21. My crayons all melted together.
22. I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
23. I’m in training to be a household pest.
24. I’m getting my overalls overhauled.
25. My patent is pending.
So You Want To Become A Doctor (Lobotomies)
So, how do you do the more common of the operations? Well, here’s a list of the every day surgical procedures that will be needed on the common street:
Quite often, when people slip and bang there head, they just don’t realize that part of their brain could quite easily swell up and explode their skull. So this is why in pretty much all medical situations it’s a good idea to do a quick lobotomy.
It’s a very simple process, and remarkably easy to get to grips with after just a few false starts.
1. Draw a line around the top of the person’s head, just above the ears.
2. Use a hammer and chisel to make a thin incision it the person’s forehead.
3. Push the blade of the saw into this and select a relatively high speed setting. Drill all around the head, trying not to make the line too wobbly as it doesn’t look very good afterwards.
4. Remove the top part of the skull and just grab a large hand-full of brain, it doesn’t matter which bit you choose, as one piece of mushy grey stuff is much like another.
5. Place the top of the skull back on, being careful to get it on the right way round.
6. Secure it with plasters, slap the patient until he comes round and tell him not to nod too much for a few weeks and that your bill will be in the post soon.
Jokes By “Larry the Cable Guy”
I guy that brings red neck to a whole new level
I got left back in 5th grade so many times, I drove the rest of the class to school with me.
My brothers home got foreclosed on and they made him drive it back to the lot.
I met Hillary Clinton about seven months ago. Talk about strange bedfellows’ right there. And we didn’t even really talk to each other — we kinda just stood next to each other at the urinal for a couple of minutes.
My grandfathers real old. Matter of fact, he had a prostate check — they found an arrow head in there last week. Pretty nervous about it. He’s going to the archaeologist next week.
My brother wants to go on that show ‘America’s Got Talent.’ I’m like, ‘What the hell are you gonna do on there? You ain’t got no talent.’ He’s goes, ‘I can rip a phone book in half with my bare hands.’ ‘You live in a town of 47, you moron….
Went fishing the other day, and I get hammered and I’m like, ‘I gotta take a leak.’ So, I start peeing in the lake — realized I was in the fish tank up at the Red Lobster. Thank God they put some rubber bands on them lobster pinchers, I tell…
Facts Of Life
Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, ‘How do I look?’
PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
The first naked man a woman sees is ‘Ken’.
Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
‘Oh, nothing,’ has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
All women are overweight by definition; don’t agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don’t bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
If it is not Valentine’s Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, ‘What did you do?’
Only women understand the reason for ‘guest towels’ and the ‘good china’.
All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them in More trouble).
Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they ‘left the seat up’ instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
Women don’t really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don’t see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
To the casual observer there is little or no difference between a company car and the ordinary private car. But here is a list of some of the things that a company car can do that private cars cannot.
Did you know, for example, that a company car will travel faster in all gears, especially reverse? They also accelerate at a phenomenal rate and enjoy a much shorter braking distance.
Ramps prove no hindrance as company cars can take them at twice the speed of ordinary cars. And they have a much tighter turning circle.
Battery, water, oil and tire pressures do not need to be checked nearly as often. Indeed, a company car can be driven up to 100 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
Company cars do not need to be garaged at night and they require cleaning less often, especially inside. To this end the floor is shaped like an ashtray.
They only burn gas with the highest Green Shield rating.
A special adaptation is incorporated to allow reverse gear to be engaged whilst the car is still moving forwards.
On construction company cars the suspension is reinforced to allow the carriage of concrete slabs and other heavy building materials.
Tire walls are specially designed to allow bumping into and over curbstones.
The quality of paintwork is such that scratches and dents are not noticeable and they are immune to accidents.
Company cars need no security. They may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.
Despite the superior specification of company cars, there may be times when they produce alarming engine noises. This is easily eliminated how ever by adjusting the volume control of the radio.
How To Write Good Bulletins
Welcome to Teach Yourself Bulletin-Writing! Here are some simple rules to help you in the gentle art of bulletin-writing.
This is very important, as it is the first thing that users will see of your bulletin. Titles like “PLEASE READ” or “URGENT MESSAGE” are ideal, though something like “A345/23D wanted” is also quite acceptable. On no account give any clear indication as to what the bulletin is actually about. Appeal to people’s curiosity; after all, they’ve got all day to browse through the bulletins!
Alternatively, you can mention someone’s call sign in the title, but in a way which implies that you are insulting them even if you aren’t.
always type in lower case, and do not use any capitals anywhere in a sentence, (not even at the beginning), as this looks inconsistent and untidy. abbreviations like rsgb, dti, pc etc. look much nicer in lower case.
ALTERNATIVELY, USE UPPER CASE THROUGHOUT, AS THIS CAN GIVE THE IMPRESSION
YOU ARE SHOUTING, SO WILL HAVE MORE IMPACT!
Do not litter your bulletin with messy punctuation but just let the prose flow without any cumbersome and unnecessary interruption there is also the added benefit that the person reading the bull will be totally unable to pause for breath and so will continue to read going more and more purple in the face until they foam at the mouth and fall over backwards which you might enjoy if you don’t like them
Do avoid the temptation to neatly wrap text around at the end of the line; just carry on typing without pressing
A exception to this rule applies if
you have one of these extra special
superior terminals or micros with a
Then, the trick is to start a new
line every 37 characters or so, and
make up for it by leaving plenty
of space between paragraphs.
Short paragraphs are also pleasing.
Especially with no verbs.
This won’t cause any problems for
anyone wanting to print your
bulletin on a printer; all they’ve
got to do is load it into a word
processor and set it into two
columns – easy!
If you want to really show off your skills, why not try and combination of word wrap and short line lengths,
to give a very appealing look
which people will find really interesting to look at. This takes some practice, so don’t try this until
you’ve got really accomplished
at some of the other effects.
A nice little trick is to use double-line spacing on all your text so that
there is plenty of room for the reader to add notes of their own after
printing it out. Don’t worry about it taking up more paper, as the other guy
can always turn it round and use both sides – no problem.
This is verry inpotant indede, as allthogh most peeple make quiet a lot off
speling misteaks, specally when typin ‘live’, it takes reel feeness to make
a poper job off it and spel at leest fife words rong inn ever sentenc. No
one wil mind, and in fakt most peeple enjoy figyurin out wot the wordz where
supposed too be in the ferst plaice.
Well this is a tricky one really. To boldly split infinitives is a good idea. And to start a sentence with a conjunction is too. Sentences also look better. With no verbs. Messing with the order word about also nice looks. It isn’t terribly unlike a good idea to use double-negatives and things of that nature.
No hard and fast rules here. However, it helps if you type your bulletin very last at night, when you are tired and irritable, or when you’ve staggered home from the pub after drinking eleventeen pints of fizzy lager. Don’t bother to verify any information, but shoot from the hip and tell all those wallies what you think of them – you’re entitled to your opinion aren’t you? They’re always having a go at you, and if there’s one thing you can’t stand, it’s intolerance!
A 40-column monitor or an old TV with a fuzzy picture will do nicely. In most cases using a word-processor is a no-no, as it tends to prevent you achieving most of the wonderful effects I have demonstrated. Also, it’s better to type ‘live’ so that the text soon scrolls off the screen, and you forget what you said earlier in the bull. It comes across as being more natural and spontaneous this way.
Well, I hope that gives you a few ideas for your own bulletins. You rarely see many of these techniques used together, though most of us use one or two of them, such as bad spelling. However, you do occasionally come across bulletins which employ many or even most of these techniques, and if you come across one you will truly be in the presence of genius!
The Top Ten Reasons Marines Prefer Rifles Over Women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you’re on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend’s Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary Rifle doesn’t mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.
#6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A Rifle doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.
#3. A Rifle doesn’t ask, “Do these new grips make me look fat?”
#2. A Rifle doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a Rifle is favored over a woman:
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A RIFLE
A Woman’s Random Thoughts
Skinny people piss me off!
Especially when they say things like, “You know sometimes I forget to eat, now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.”
They say you shouldn’t say anything about the dead unless it’s good. He’s dead. Good.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t give a damn.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
“If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?”