Friday Fun Stuff – 5-10-24

If HAL9000 was Amazon.com’s Alexa

Night School High Q – SCTV

A Kid’s View On Marriage

What Exactly Is Marriage?
“Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don’t have to give her back to her parents” -Eric, six years old

“When somebody’s been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, ‘I’ll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.’ Then she says yes, but she’s wondering what the thing is and whether it’s naughty or not. She can’t wait to find out.” -Anita, nine years old

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
“You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one.” -Kelly, nine years old

“My mother says to look for a man who is kind….That’s what I’ll do….I’ll find somebody who’s kinda tall and handsome.” -Carolyn, eight years old

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife” -Bert, five years old

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
“They were at a dance party at a friend’s house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down…It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values.” -Lottie, nine years old

“My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won’t tell me what kind.” -Jeremy, eight years old

What Do Most People Do on a Date?
“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” -Martin, ten years old

“Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love.” -Craig, nine years old

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” -Allan, ten years old

“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you….If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” -Kally, nine years old

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
“You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan” -Kirsten, ten years old

“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them” -Anita, nine years old

“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” -Will, seven years old

How Old Are You?

A guy at the liquor store asked how old I was.

I asked how old he thought I was.

“31″, he said.

“NO, 23″, I responded.

“WHAT?!” he said totally stunned, “you’re WAY too young to look that defeated.”

Meet the Dumbest Job Interview Applicants

Human resource pros share the worst things they’ve seen, from real candidates trying to get hired. Here’s what not to do.

“I swear this is true: Someone threw his beer can in the outside trash can before coming into the reception area.”

“A guy once talked during the interview about how an affair cost him a previous job.”

“We ask prospective job applicants at our business to fill out a questionnaire. For the line ‘Choose one word to summarize your strongest professional attribute,’ one woman wrote, ‘I’m very good at following instructions.’”

“Someone once blew her nose and lined up the used tissues on the table in front of her.”

“An individual applied for a customer-service job, and when asked what he might not like about the job, he said, ‘Dealing with people.’”

“Once an applicant’s friend came in and asked, ‘How much longer?’”

“It’s amazing when people come in for an interview and say, ‘Can you tell me about your business?’ Seriously, people. There’s an Internet. Look it up.”

“I had somebody list their prison time as a job. And an exotic dancer who called herself a ‘customer service representative.’”

“I had someone eat all the candy from the candy bowl while trying to answer questions.”

“The candidate sent his sister to interview in his place.”

“Someone applying for a job hugged me at the end of the interview.”

“Applicant delivered prepaid Chinese food, including a fortune cookie with his name and phone.”

“Applicant put up posters of himself in the company parking lot.”

“The candidate arrived in a cat suit.”

“Applicant announced his candidacy with a singing telegram.”

“Applicant rented a billboard, which the hiring manager could see from his office, listing his qualifications.”

“Candidate specified that his availability was limited because Friday, Saturday, and Sunday was ‘drinking time.’”

“Candidate explained an arrest by stating, ‘We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig.’”

“Advertising is a tough business. Which may be why one prospective adman wrote a cover letter boasting, ‘I am getting to my goal, slowly but surly.’”

“A job applicant came in for an interview with a cockatoo on his shoulder.”

I’m A Good Woman

Call me old fashioned but, I learned to take care of my man.

Cook for him, clean the house, wear gloves, hide the body, and act sad at the funeral.

You know, wifey stuff.

Men vs. Women

Men and women are not alike.

Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conclusive proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged:

RELATIONSHIPS:
First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship – he refers to it as “that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis.”

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots.” Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup – at 3 am early on a Sunday morning – he will call and say “I just wanted you to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know there’s always a chance for us.” This is known as the “I Hate You/I Love You” drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.

SEX:
Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

HATS:
Women look good in hats; men look like dorks.

BATHROOMS:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

MAGAZINES:
Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

GOING OUT:
When a man says he’s ready to go out, it means he’s ready to go out.
When a woman says she’s ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup,…

JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that’s it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

ADMITTING MISTAKES:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

NUDITY IN MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.
The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room – sex. Not in abstract terms, either. They’re graphic and technical, and they “never” lie.

WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the “ceremony.”
Men talk about “the bachelor party.”

NICKNAMES:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like “Ultimate Pecs” and “Big Turk,” women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.

One Day Off

Mr. Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy housecleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“We’re shorthanded, Smith,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says Smith. “I knew I could count on you!”

The Wit of Phyllis Diller

1. Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
2. Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
3. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
4. A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
5. The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
6. Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
7. A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
8. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
9. Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
10. Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
11. Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
12. We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
13. Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
14. If it weren’t for professional sports, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
15. You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
16. I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
17. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
18. The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
19. I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
20. His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
21. Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
22. My photographs don’t do me justice…they just look like me.
23. There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
24. I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
25. My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
26. My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
27. Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
28. I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
29. The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
30. You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Peanuts

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. “Mind if I have a few” he asks.” No, not at all” the woman replied.

They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.

“I’m terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few.”

“Oh that’s all right” the woman says. “Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.”

Women with Weapons

The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one’s self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false images into a more proper perspective.

Please circle your answers to each below:

1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on it that says: “The ultimate in feminine protection”?
   1. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
   2. I’m amazed the pigs have no law banning women’s T-Shirts.
   3. A 9mm for “light days” and a .44 Magnum for “heavy days”.
2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:
   1. All you’ll ever need.
   2. Like I’d use yet another phallic symbol.
   3. The signal to open Fire.
3. The movie “Thelma & Louise” was:
   1. An insidious plot to stamp out femininity and glorify violence.
   2. A male ploy to encourage further suppression of women.
   3. A training film.
4. What was technically wrong with the scene in “Thelma & Louise” where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer.
   1. Tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche I mean pointing guns; let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
   2. Only thing I saw wrong was that it took two sisters to disarm only one man; not realistic at all.
   3. The dummies left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the dashboard of the cruiser.
5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:
   1. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.
   2. Is it a male mouse or a female mouse?
   3. Link up the belt feed to the M-60.
6. You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor, Ralph, who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You reply:
   1. Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered to the evil ethos of mindless brute force!
   2. Yeah, like I’m supposed to stand there and let old fat gut Ralph leer and drool like he usually does. Men are such pigs!
   3. Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel stupid enough to give me wimpy advice like that!
7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster?
   1. Obscene! The icon of death with the symbol of nurturing.
   2. What’s a bra?
   3. As long as it doesn’t get in the way of my shoulder sling.
8. Define “male.”
   1. The first syllable of “malevolence,” which in turn is only one letter short of “male violence.”
   2. An animal with a one track mind. A brute who feels the need to try to control, suppress, double-talk all women everywhere.
   3. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females, but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.
9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products as Mace and pepper spray belong?
   1. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and understanding, you won’t need nasty things like that.
   2. Yet more products of questionable effect manufactured by the male dominated industrial complex to make women feel somewhat secure.
   3. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of Feminique.
10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife upraised. How many shots should you fire?
   1. None. It would be better to die or submit than sacrifice moral victory by using deadly force. How unseemly and gauche.
   2. As many as I had, assuming the male dominated firearms industry would sell me a gun; or let alone ammunition in the first place.
   3. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, how often do you get a chance like that to express yourself, and get in touch with your feelings?

Grading the Exam
* If 8 or more of your answers were “1″: This indicates you’re a true pacifist. Perhaps the meek will indeed inherit the earth someday, as it is written, but only when the rest of us are done with it.
* If 8 or more of your answers were “2″: Hey babe — you’re stuck in the 60′s sweetheart. Loosen up! A full 12.7% of you chicks have good jobs and make almost as much us men now. I mean like … What more do you want outta us poor males?
* If 8 or more of your answers were “3″: Don’t feel too bad. Society may not yet have a place for you, but Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in “Bride of Rambo”.

Remote Control

“Cash, check or charge?” the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“Do you always carry your TV remote?” the cashier asked.

“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”

What Was He Grounded For?