The Roast of Weed
Female Stages In Life
AGE – DRINK
17 – Wine Coolers
25 – White wine
35 – Red wine
48 – Dom Perignon
66 – Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
AGE – EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 – Need to wash my hair
25 – Need to wash and condition my hair
35 – Need to color my hair
48 – Need to have Francois color my hair
66 – Need to have Francois color my wig
AGE – FAVORITE SPORT
17 – shopping
25 – shopping
35 – shopping
48 – shopping
66 – shopping
AGE – DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 – “Burger King”
25 – “Free meal”
35 – “A diamond”
48 – “A bigger diamond”
66 – “Home Alone”
AGE – FAVORITE FANTASY
17 – tall, dark and handsome
25 – tall, dark and handsome with money
35 – tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 – a man with hair
66 – a man
AGE – HOUSE PET
17 – Muffy the cat
25 – Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 – German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 – Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 – Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat
WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 – 17
25 – 25
35 – 35
48 – 48
66 – 66
AGE – IDEAL DATE
17 – He offers to pay
25 – He pays
35 – He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 – He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 – He can chew his breakfast
My Goldfish Died
Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Johnny?”
“Well, my goldfish died,” replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied… “That’s because he’s inside your cat!”
With Age, Wisdom
The biggest lie I tell myself is … ‘I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.’
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!
My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance for idiots that needs work.
The kids text me ‘plz’. They explain it is shorter than please to text. So I text back ‘no’ – which is shorter than ‘yes.’
I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that second week.
When did it change from ‘We the people’ to ‘screw the people?’
Even duct tape can’t fix stupid … but it can sure as hell muffle the sound!
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age ‘Getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
The difference between stupidity and genius; genius has its limits.
Jobs Worse Then Yours
The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Carla who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn’t get Carla to take her dose orally, so a pharmacologist developed an anal suppository.
The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame. Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Carla with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.
FIVE people have jobs worse than yours.
Now stop complaining and get back to work!
• “I’m going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for TEN MINUTES.”
• “Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!”
• “Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own.”
• “Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.”
• “Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?”
• “Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!”
• “Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.”
• “Remember as far as anyone knows, we’re a nice normal family.”
• “I know what you’re saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight.”
• “Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say… This stinks!”
• “That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!”
• “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.”
• “I’m in a place where I don’t know where I am!”
• “I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t….I mean s-m-A-r-t.”
• “Mmmm, free goo.”
• “It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.”
• “I can’t believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!”
• “Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.
• “Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!”
• “Don’t mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.”
• “Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?”
• “If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it – Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers!”
• “Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind!”
• “Good drink… good meat… good God, let’s eat!”
What They Thought About Marriage
“Love at first sight is easy to understand; it’s when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.” –Sam Levenson
“Marriage — as its veterans know well — is the continuous process of getting used to things you hadn’t expected.” –Tom Mullen
“If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.” –Katherine Hepburn
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.” –Cher
“Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.” –Tom Mullen
“When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions. They are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.” –George Bernard Shaw
Life Lessons Learned From A Dog
1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you’ll get what you want.
2. Don’t go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you’re dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
8. If it’s not wet and sloppy, it’s not a real kiss.
New Drive Thru Cash Machines
We are pleased to inform customers that the Yorkshire Bank is now installing the Next Generation of new “Drive-thru” cash point machines: Customers will in future be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to you (Male Or Female).
Please remember and follow these instructions when you use the machine for the first time.
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Wind down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6 Wind up window
7 Drive off
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 Wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
6 Turn the radio down
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
12 Enter PIN.
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Check make-up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of check book
19 Re-check make-up again
20 Drive forwards 2 meters
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
25 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26 Release handbrake
Office Activities During Bosses Vacation
1. Best imitation of the boss wins everything in the supply room contest.
2. Lock-jimmying contest, immediately followed by a charity raffle of executive office furniture.
3. The battle begins for the coveted “Solitaire, Minesweeper, Tetris” Triple Crown.
4. Use boss’ computer to send suggestive emails to the local chapter of NOW.
5. Visit local nude beach for daily “staff” meeting.
6. A rousing game of “Pin the Secretary’s Tail on the Boss’ Desk.”
7. Staple that dweeb from accounting to the wall.
8. Take pictures of his favorite coffee cup in the toilet. Save for resignation day.
9. Purchasing vs. Receiving: Let’s Get Ready to Rummmmbllllle!
10. Wagering on intern lip lock endurance matches in the file room.
11. “Performance reviews” given by a whimsical painted face on the shipping clerk’s bare ass.
11. Convincing the boss’s daughter to be your intern.
The Most Disturbing Children’s Books Of All Time
Warning: These are pretty disturbing, but funny as hell. And yes some of them are real.
From A Scholastic Book-Of-That-Time-Of-The-Month-Club
My First Little Boob Job
Daddy Hopes He Has Enough Rope in the Trunk
Dead Whales Can’t Wave Back And The Japanese Are To Blame
The Adventures of Sally ‘n’ Sammy “A Good Place To Hide The Body Parts”
Flowers Are Very Pretty But We’d Make More Money Growing Pot
Billy Is The Monsignor’s Favorite
Don’t Worry We Won’t Kill You
God Is Great So How Come He Gave Me And Bobby Crossed Eyes?
I Is For Incest
Why Mommy Poisoned You
Who Cares About Elderly People?
The Five Alarm Fire In Captain Joe’s Pants
Dick, Dick What Did You Lick
Timmy Takes A Road Trip With Officer Sandusky
Are You My Mother?
The House That Crack Built
Cooking With Pooh
Visiting Day With Daddy
Teddy Bear Would Rather Sit And Watch
Pretend I’m The Poop
Harpo’s Horrible Secret
All My Friends Are Dead
Scouts In Bondage
Who Cares About Disabled People?
I Wish Daddy Didn’t Drink So Much
Sometimes My Mommy Gets Angry
Cautionary Tales For Children
If a Peacock Finds a Pot Leaf
Go the Fu(k to Sleep
The Night Dad Went to Jail
My Big Sister Takes Drugs
Little Monkey’s Big Peeing Circus
Monsters Eat Whiny Children
So, You’ve Got A Fat Pussy!
You Wouldn’t Want to Be a Salem Witch
Melanie’s Marvelous Measles
You Have to Fu(king Eat
If You Give a Kid a Cookie, Will He Shut the Fu(k Up?
See Dick Go Up, See Jane Go Down