Five Day Weather Forecast – Studio C
Phobias Workshop – The Sketch Show UK
Learning From Kids
For those with no children – this is totally hysterical…
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control…
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I’ve learned from my Boys (honest)…
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all Four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh” it’s already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject “PB & J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
Because These Were My Role Models
Me behave?
Seriously?
As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrived home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies. Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with 7 men, Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos, Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance, and Shaggy and Scooby were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies.
The fault is not mine!
I Can’t Even Try Those Fun Things Now
Things that used to hurt my back:
Jumping off garages
Crashing my bike
Falling out of trees
Diving into the shallow end
Contact sports
Things that hurt my back now:
Sneezing
Mopping the floor
Washing the dishes
Cooking huge meals
Brushing my teeth
Tying my shoes
Rolling over in bed
Be Careful What You Wish For
WONKA: Congratulations Charlie! My chocolate empire is yours
CHARLIE: That’s wondrous!
WONKA: Now, first thing will be handling this PR crisis.
CHARLIE: Wait, wha…
WONKA: A lot of kids just died in your factory, Charlie. And there’s a rumor that you apparently own slaves?
Dictionary For Women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, “made the dinner.”
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes Dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.”
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus,…breath…push…”
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card
Don’t Worry Only The Crazy Ones Will Believe You
Coworker: You’re 37? you look younger
Me: I let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
Coworker: Ha Ha *leaves*
Demon Inside Me: You gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
Me: Meh. I’m going to the break room for a doughnut
Demon: OOO get a me maple bar
Lessons In Logic
If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it’s your stupidity.
**********
I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.
**********
Practice makes perfect.
But nobody’s perfect
so why practice?
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If it’s true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
**********
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
**********
How come “abbreviated” is such a long word?
**********
Money is not everything.
There’s MasterCard & Visa.
**********
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
**********
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
**********
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
**********
The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
**********
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
**********
Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.
**********
“Your future depends on your dreams”
So go to sleep.
**********
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning.
**********
“Hard work never killed anybody”
But why take the risk.
**********
“Work fascinates me”
I can look at it for hours.
**********
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
**********
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So… why learn.
**********
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
what more can I say.
Water in the Carburetor
WIFE: ‘There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.’
HUSBAND: ‘Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.’
WIFE: ‘I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.’
HUSBAND: ‘You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?’
WIFE: ‘In the pool.’
Marketing Gone Bad
It’s always good to check into the meaning of your slogans and brands before you start selling in foreign countries, as these companies learned a bit too late…
1. The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign “Got Milk?” prompted
them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the
Spanish translation read “Are you lactating?”
2. Coors put its slogan, “Turn it loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as
“Suffer from diarrhea”.
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
American campaign: “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux”.
4. Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick”, a curling iron, into German only to
find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the
“manure stick”.
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned
that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what’s inside,
since many people can’t read.
6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market
which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I saw the Pope” (el Papa), the
shirts read “I saw the potato” (la papa).
10. Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “It takes a strong man to make a tender
chicken” was translated into Spanish as “It takes an aroused man to make a
chicken affectionate”.
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed
to have read, “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you”. Instead, the
company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so
the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant”.
White Hairs
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”
Her mother replied “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, “Momma, how come all of Grandma’s hairs are white?”