The producers of this beer commercial borrowed a small 150 seat cinema playing a popular film, and filled 148 of its seats with rough-looking, tattooed bikers, leaving only two free seats in the middle of the theater. They then allowed theater management to sell tickets for the last pair of tickets to several young couples.
What would you do?
Watch till the end
Just Some Fun Stuff
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. I smile because I don’t know what the heck is going on.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
24. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
25. Ham and eggs…A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
26. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
27. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
Be Careful What You Ask Kids To Do
The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city.
When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, “Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her…”
Sonny’s mother held up her hand. “Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you’ve just told me.”
The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, “I’m leaving you. I’m packing now and I’m leaving you.” “But why–” asked the startled father. “Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me.”
“Well,” Sonny said, “I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer.”
Questions Men Fear
The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.” This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”
Question 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.” Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Lotus and a Boat”). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not – don’t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I’d get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed.
WOMAN: – - – silence – - -
“I can’t use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.”…….
“The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless.”
“All I’m looking for is a guy who’ll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed.”
“My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice.”
“Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a margarita.”
“The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.”
“The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.”
“To err is human; to forgive, highly unlikely.”
“Do you realize that in about forty years, we’ll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels?”
(Now that’s scary!)
“Money can’t buy happiness–but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.”
“After a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching somewhere…you may be dead.”
“If you woke up breathing congratulations! You have another chance.”
Well How Did You Think It Got Clean
A number of girls in middle school were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Why Smart People Stay Single
1. Single means you have the time to grow and be the person you want to be.
2. Single gives you have space to grow. It is harder to grow when you are too close to someone.
3. Single means learning to live by yourself.
4. Single means freedom.
5. Single means learning not to need a man/woman to make your life meaningful.
6. Single is realizing that being married is not necessarily better.
7. Single means that there could be something wonderful around the corner and you can take advantage of it.
8. Single means you are free to love again.
9. Single means you have more time to care for other people.
1. Marriage is not a word, but a sentence. (A life sentence)
2. Marriage is very much like a violin, after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
3. Marriage is love, love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
4. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s and the woman gets her Masters.
5. Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes.
6. Marriage is not just having a wife but also inherited worries forever.
7. Marriage requires a man to purchase 4 types of “Rings” engagement ring, wedding ring, suffe-ring and enduring.
8. Married life is full of excitement and frustration.
In the first year, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
And in the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
9. It is true that love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
10. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends.
You ordered what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wished you had ordered that.
11. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking, the husband gives and the wife takes.
12. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
Well Someones Got To Teach Her
A little girl came home from school and told her mother that she had just found out where babies come from.
Her mother said, “Oh really? Please do tell!”
The little girl said, “First, Daddy’s penis gets hard and then he puts it in Mommy’s mouth…”
Her mother interrupted her and said, “Oh no honey, that’s where jewelry comes from!”
What Positions Were Those
He said – Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said – That’s a good idea… you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffy lube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, anglicize, murmur, snuggle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spot-weld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don’t care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin’ in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze,
flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship…
and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
Show up naked.
Pets & Kids
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”
As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?”
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, “I don’t fink my pet python weally gives a thit.
Take That NRA!
Honest Mom I Don’t Know Where They Got These Photos I Would Never Pose Like That!