Friday Fun Stuff – 9-29-23

Toy Story: Deleted Scenes – Robot Chicken

Virtual Assistants In The AI Break Room Say Goodbye To Cortana

Best Comic Comebacks To Hecklers

“Save your breath, your going to need it later for your inflatable date.” – Steve Martin
“I don’t come to your work to tell you how to sweep up.” – Billy Connelly
“Hey, shut up…I don’t come down to the bus station and knock the cocks out of your mouth!” – Jimmy Carr!
“If you want my comeback, you’ll have to scrape it off your mother’s teeth” Jimmy Carr
“If you do not shut up and listen, you will leave this hall as ignorant as you came in” – Nye Bevan
“It’s tragic when cousins marry.” – Unknown
“If I want any more shit out of you, I’ll squeeze your head!” – Stephen Fry
“How would you like it if I went to where you worked and kicked the shovel out of your hand?” – Dick Gregory
“Look the stripper has arrived.” – Unknown
“If my dog looked like you, I’d shave it’s ass and make it walk backwards”. – Billy Connolly
“I’ve farted better come backs.” – Tom Waits
“Sorry, I can’t understand what you’re saying… I’m wearing a moron filter.” – Arthur Smith
“I remember my first beer in college too!” – Steve Martin
“Jesus’s may love you, but he is alone in that feeling” – Unknown
“C’mon pal, I’m up here trying to make a living. I don ‘t show up at McDonald’s and bother you at work.” – Unknown
“Is that your real face or are you still celebrating Halloween?” – Arthur Smith
“Your bus leaves in 10 minutes… Be under it.” – John Cooper Clarke
“This is a big venue, I can’t really get into one-to-ones. In a smaller room I’d still ignore you – shut up!” – Ricky Gervais
“All men are pigs, especially you, sir. Unfortunately, I can’t eat pork.” – Shazia Mirza
“Look, it’s all right to donate your brain to science but shouldn’t you have waited till you died?” – Arthur Smith
“Why don’t you go into that corner and finish evolving?” – Russell Kane
“I’m sorry, I don’t speak Orc.” – Brendan Dodds
“Well, it’s a night out for him, and a night off for his family” – Jack Dee
“Where’s your girlfriend? Outside grazing, I presume” – Jo Brand
Best I ever heard was walking out to the heckler, handing him the mic and said “Here you go hot shot. You got 60 seconds” – Unknown
“Well, excuuussssseeeee me!” — Steve Martin

But I’m Not Wrong

Teacher: Give an example of a business failure due to careless management?
Me: A prostitute getting pregnant.
Teacher: Leave my class.

If Companies Had Realistic Slogans What Would They Be?

1. Carnival Cruise: OH COME ON. What are the chances something will happen this time?
2. AOL: Still here
3. Dasani: Italian for “Coke just sold you water”
4. Yamaha: We’re not sure what motorcycles and saxophones have to do with each other either.
5. Geek Squad: Let us Google that for you.
6. Motel 6: We will leave the lights on for you because we are in a dangerous neighborhood!
7. Ben and Jerry’s: who are we kidding a pint is definitely one serving
8. TAMPAX: We may not be #1, but we’re up there.
9. Hot Pockets: a different temperature in every bite
10. Credit reports are already free, but don’t let our name fool you, this one really isn’t.
11. Sallie Mae: Why retire when you can work FOREVER?!?!
12. Febreeze: Making your restrooms smell like flowers AND shit.
13. Red Robin: When you don’t want to spend much taking the kids out, but you need alcohol.
14. Barnes & Noble: Your Local Library Now Has A Starbucks
15. Costco: When you’re not sure what you want, but you know you want a LOT of it.
16. Costco. Everything’s in bulk. You want to eat cheese, go to a supermarket. You want to build something out of cheese, go to Costco.
17. Walmart: Home of 53 registers, with only 3 open!
18. Facebook: we know more about you than you do
19. Snapple: Made from Stuff on Earth.
20. Snapple: The secret ingredient is sugar.
21. SlimJim: If we showed you how we make these you’d stop eating meat forever.
22. Axe: Smell like a sixth grader.
23. Blockbuster: “Remember us?”
24. Preparation H: Because your guts are coming out of your asshole a little.
25. Radioshack: We’re still in business, go figure.
26. Radioshack: You want to buy some batteries? What’s your address?
27. Applebee’s: For when you’re too lazy to prepare your own frozen food
28. Koch Brothers: Hoarding all of your money to make more money

Don’t Drink And Bike

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.

So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

Military Humor

(not an oxymoron)

On some air bases the military is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, “What time is it?”

The tower responded, “Who is calling?”

The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?”

The tower replied, “It makes a lot of difference. If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o’clock. If it is an Air Force aircraft it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army plane, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to “Happy Hour.”

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———

During training exercises, a lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
“Your jeep stuck, sir?” asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
“Nope,” replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. “Yours is.”

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, “Yes, General, I’ll be seeing him this afternoon and I’ll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.”
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, “What do you want?”
“Nothing important, sir,” the airman replied, “I’m just here to hook up your telephone.”

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———

Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”
Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again!”
Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, SIR!”

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He’ll tell you.

Q: What’s the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn’t think he’s a fighter pilot.

Q: What’s the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———

An Air Force Chief and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, “Hey, don’t put that stuff on me! My wife will think I’ve been in a whore-house!”

The Chief turned to his barber and said, “Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whore-house smells like.”

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———

“Well,” snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, “I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave.”

“Not me, Chief!” the Seaman replied. “Once I get out of the Navy, I’m never going to stand in line again.”

The Diet

1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz glass skim milk

4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed zucchini
1 Oreo cookie

Rest of the package of Oreo cookies
1 quart Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge

2 loaves garlic bread
1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
1 large pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way candy bars
1 entire cheesecake

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories don’t count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories. These include any chocolate used for energy, brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream.
5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage causes the calories to leak out.
6. If you eat food from someone else’s plate, the calories don’t count.
7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because they are part of the entertainment, and not a use of personal fuel.

Weekend Safety Brief

• Don’t add to the population.
• Don’t subtract to the population.
• Stay out of the hospital, the newspaper, and jail.
• If you do end up in jail, establish dominance quickly.

Why Do They Wear That?

A little girl at a wedding asked, “Mommy, why do brides always wear white?”

“Because they’re happy,” the mom replied.

Halfway through the wedding, the girl whispered, “Mommy, if brides wear white because they’re happy, then why do grooms wear black?”

Who Are You Fighting Against?

You’re a soldier in WW 2 and there is someone out in the dark, so you fire a couple shots in that direction….
If they return accurate machine gun fire, they are German.
If they return with accurate rifle fire, they are British.
If they stand up with their hands in the air, they are Italian.
If a howling human wave comes at you, they are Russians.
If you’re met with a cavalry charge, they’re Polish.
If they charge waving swords and shouting “Banzai” they’re Japanese.
If it is quiet for a few minutes and then you are blasted to bits by artillery they are Americans.
If you can’t see anyone and don’t think anyone’s there, it’s Ghurkas….Then be very scared!

Grandpa, What Is Couple Sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, “Grampa, what is a couple sex?

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she’s old enough to know to ask the question then she’s old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, “Why did you ask this question, honey?

The little girl replied, “Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

I Just Hope There Not Still Into Free Love
I Just Hope There Not Still Into Free Love
Didn’t Someone Else Along The Way Ask To See Then Map
Didn't Someone ALong The Way Ask To See Then Map
You Really Need To Not Get Those Mixed Up
You Really Need To Not Get Those Messed Up
So That’s What Those Emoji’s Mean
So That's What Those Emojies Mean
That Ones 18 Years…And Then Some
That Ones 18 Years...And Then Some
I Think He Cheated
I Think He Cheated
What Does Everyone Want On Their Pizza?
What Does Everyone Want On Their Pizza
Just Letting You Know
Just Letting You Know
At Some Point You Have To Admit That It’s Time To Retire
At Some Point You Have To Admit That It's Time To Retire
For When Your Geek Girl Is Still Into Barbies
For When Your Geek Girl Is Stil Into Barbies

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