Friday Fun Stuff – 4-10-26

The Two Ronnies: TV Symbols 1973

The Self-Checkout Ad They’d Never Make

George Carlin Quotes

1. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

2. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

3. I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

4. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

5. It’s never just a game when you’re winning.

6. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

7. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

8. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

9. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

10. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

11. I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.

12. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

13. Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.

14. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

15. People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.

16. The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

17. The status quo sucks.

18. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.

19. You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

20. “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

Be Careful What You Ask For

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman intended to stock up.

At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “I’ll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping.”

Several aisles later, everyone heard the butcher’s voice boom over the public-address system, “Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store!”

I’ve Learned That…

• You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes…After that, you’d better have lots of money
• Money cannot buy happiness…It can let you look in better places though
• You shouldn’t compare yourself to others…They are more messed-up than you think
• Heavy smokers should save their cigarette filters…They make excellent insulation for one’s attic
• You should always leave loved ones with loving words…You may need to borrow money
• Either you control your attitude…Or you will be put on medication
• Your family won’t always be there for you…Unless, of course, you win the lottery
• No matter how you try to guide your children…They may eventually get arrested and appear in the newspaper
• You cannot make someone love you…All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in
• You can avoid high blood pressure by cutting yourself…Bleed for a while & reduce the pressure in your veins
• Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of the microwave…It’ll show you if microwaves are leaking if the bar melts
• A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock…Will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
• You should Love your neighbor…Just make sure her husband isn’t home first
• If it weren’t for humor…We might never get at the truth
• You should never get in a fight with an ugly guy…He has nothing to lose
• If at first you don’t succeed…You’ll get lots of advice

Everyone Asked A 100-Year-Old Man For His Health Secrets

The old man said:
I’ll tell you the secret.
I’ve been married for 75 years.
Promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers.
I’ve been walking 5 kilometers every day for 75 years!

Everyone asked again:
But how come your wife’s very healthy as well?

The old man answered:
I’ll tell you another secret.
She’d been following me to make sure I really finished the 5 kilometers.

Oh, Canada

Before the Vancouver 2010 winter Olympics, certain people asked interesting questions to the Canadian tourism bureau. These questions (and answers) about Canada were actually posted on an international Tourism Website.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let’s not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What, did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North…oh forget it. Sure the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget it’s name. It’s a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare it by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Man Explains How He Managed To Stay Married All These Years

The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage

At St. Peter’s Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands’ marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spendada money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”

The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary??”

Giuseppe proudly replied, “I gonna go picka her up.”

Prison Vs. Housewives

In prison, you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.

In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can’t sleep without his latest lego creation.

In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even.
At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.

In prison, all your medical care is free.
At home, you have to pawn your mother’s silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.
At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else’s space, too, and what the heck is free time again?

In prison, you get your own personal toilet.
At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you’re done so you can do something for them.

In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else’s, and get yelled at because somebody’s favorite shirt isn’t clean.

In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go.
At home, you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.
At home, you have to lug around everybody else’s stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn’t.
At home….stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

This Kinda Thing Has Been Happening Since People Started Wearing Clothes

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

She sleepily sat up and said, “Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.”

“Certainly, honey,” he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the druggist, “Aren’t you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?”

“Yes, I am,” said the officer.

“Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chiefs uniform?”

Things Mom Would Never Say

“How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
“Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too”
“Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look more cheery”
“Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it’s good for another week”
“Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day”
“Well, if Timmy’s mom says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.”
“The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.”
“I don’t have a tissue with me … just use your sleeve”
“Don’t bother wearing a jacket – the wind-chill is bound to improve”

Very Dedicated

Boss: “I Love how you’re always the first one in the office at 7 AM. Such a dedicated employee!”

Me: “Thank you, Sir. I believe the early bird gets the worm.”

Boss: “That’s the spirit! What are you working on so early?”

Me: “I’m working on finding the best spot to take a 2-hour nap before everyone else arrives.
Actually, I’m only here because my Wi-Fi at home died, and the office is the only place where I can watch my favorite series in 4K without my wife asking me to help with the dishes!”

The Never Ending Question