Alternative Math
When You Accidentally Grab Mary Poppin’s Suitcase At The Airport
If A Creep Wants Your Number
A series of fake numbers to give him.
888-447-5594 – Easter egg number for finishing God of War. contains a dramatic speech Personal favorite.
605-475-6968 – Rejection hotline. politely explains that whoever gave you this number turned ya down buddy.
888-276-6760 – The 24-hour Klu Klux Klanline where you can get a “FREE INFORUATION BOOKLET!”
866-740-4531 – Only responds with “I am Groot”
206-569-5829 – Seattle radio station ‘Loser Line’. If they leave a weird voicemail. it could get broadcast over the airwaves
Stay safe people.
515-808-2362 – JOHN CENA complete with air horns and his theme song
Every Chef On TV
“Today I’m going to show you how to make something with simple ingredients everyone has in their pantry. I’m starting with Icelandic sea salt, yak butter, a sprig of moon basil, and exactly 3 tears from a laughing alpaca”
The True Meaning In A Girls Text.
“Mhmm” = she’s mad
“I’m fine = she’s not fine
“It’s fine = it’s not fine
“It’s whatever” = it means a lot
“I don’t care” = she really cares
“It’s okay. I’ll be ok” = she’s hurting a lot
“Oh ok = her heart just shattered
“Okay” = everything is good
“OK” = something might be wrong
“K” = something is definitely wrong
“I’m just tired” = tired of what’s going on
“Just leave me alone”= She wants to see if you’ll give up, or care, or not give up
“I’m sorry” = she really is sorry
“Goodnight” = she is good and going sleep
“Gn” = Don’t let her go to sleep she’s upset
“I love you” = she’s really good and loves you
“ily” = she’s mad or upset at you
“Leave me alone” = Don’t leave her alone
“Don’t text me” = blow up her phone don’t ever leave her, love her, be there for her, give her attention, tell her she’s beautiful.
It’s A Line For Free Oranges Of Course
Susie is a prostitute who doesn’t want her grandma to know.
One day Police raid the brothel & line up the girls outside.
The grandma walks past, sees her and asks what’s going on. Quick thinking Susie tells her it’s a line for free oranges, so her grandma joins the line.
When the Police get to grandma, they’re surprised & ask her, “How, do you do it at your age?”
She replies, “I take my teeth out, peel back the skin & suck ‘em until they’re dry.”
Thoughts During Work
- I Hate You.
- And You.
- Yeah, You Too.
- I Don’t Care.
- Why Am I Still Here?
- Ugh, Shut Up.
- Can I Be Excused for My Whole Life?
- I’m Hungry.
- I Need Sleep.
Listen To The Old Guys
Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer.
One of the guys remarks to the other, “Boy, you look tired!”
His friend replies, “Dude, I’m exhausted. My girlfriend wants to make love all the time, three, four, sometimes even six times a night! She wakes me up at all hours. I don’t know what to do!”
An old gentleman in his seventies, sitting a few bar stools down, overhears their conversation.
He looked over at the two men and, showing the wisdom of his age, says, “Marry her, that’ll put an end to that nonsense!”
Welcome To High School.
Where you will be judged on your appearance.
Where you won’t be able to talk to any of your friends.
Where the drama will fill your head with anxiety.
Where you should be worrying about schoolwork. but aren’t.
Where you probably won’t love the people around you.
Where your heart will be broken multiple times
Where you will fail that big test you studied for all night
Where you will spend most of your day wishing you were elsewhere.
Where you will make friends and enemies.
Where you will get in fights and learn painful lessons.
Where six valuable hours of your day will be wasted.
Where you will see a lot of people that you really don’t want to see.
And when it’s over all the stuff you thought was so important will mean less than nothing.
Have a nice four years.
The Shits!
The most functional English word is shit.
That’s right, shit! You can smoke shit, get shit faced, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, tell people to eat shit, forget shit, some people know their shit and some have shit for brains, there’s crazy shit, there’s bullshit, horse shit, chicken shit, deep shit, the wrong shit, the right shit & not enough shit, weird shit, scary shit, up shit creek without a paddle & sometimes everything you touch turns to shit. You could pass this on if you give a shit or not if you don’t give a shit. Hope you have a shit free week. But remember shit happens!!!
What’s 2+2?
ENGINEER: “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02.”
MATHEMATICIAN: “In 2 hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following proof.”
PHYSICIST: “It’s in the magnitude of 1×10.”
LOGICIAN: “This problem is solvable.”
THERAPIST: “I don’t know the answer, but I’m glad we this discussed this important question.”
ATTORNEY: “In the case of Smith vs State, 2 + 2 was declared to be 4.”
TRADER: “Are you buying or selling?”
ACCOUNTANT: “What would you like it to be?”
FIRST GRADER: “4 you idiot, how do you not know that?”
Where Are They From?
Me: Now we’re going to end the nature talk with a very big snake, (opens bag to reveal a large ball python)
Thirty kindergartners: (screaming with excitement)
Me: Yes, she is very big, does anyone know where ball pythons are from?
Kid: The woods!!
Me: Yes, they do like the woods but where they’re from. It’s a very big continent. Who knows what continent you find them on?
Another kid: The sun!
Me: That’s in space, so no
Yet another kid: Earth!!!
Me: Yes. That’s definitely the planet they and we are on! The snake is from the same place giraffes and lions are from.
Several kids: The zoo!!!
Me: A continent is…
Teacher, deadpan: It’s where Wakanda is
All thirty kindergartners: AFRICA
| Most Parents Can Relate |
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| I Miss Those Days |
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| For The Little Girl Who Has Everything |
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| We Don’t Care Who You Are |
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| Always Good To Know |
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| Yeh, Some Companies Are Just Like That |
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| Why Not, It Works On The Brain Just Like Heroin Does |
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| Shoot It Where? |
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| What Ever Answer He Gives Is Going To Be Wrong |
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| Taking School Spirit To A Whole Other Level |
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