Friday Fun Stuff – 11-24-23

Everyone Can See What You Do Online

Some Of Buster Keaton’s Most Amazing Stunts

More Ways To Annoy People

1. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way”
2. Drum on every available surface
3. Staple papers in the middle of the page
4. Ask 800 operators for dates
5. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings
6. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks
7. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”
8. Set alarms for random times
9. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon
10. Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed’s stereo, with the volume properly adjusted
11. Honk and wave to strangers
12. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter’s Orange
13. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show
14. Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies
15. Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed’s “Metal machine Music”
16. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE
17. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets
18. Pay for your dinner with pennies
19. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes
20. Light road flares on a birthday cake
21. Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley
22. Leave tips in Bolivian currency
23. Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador”
24. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly

I Hope It Was Just Money

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?” The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”

Signs You’re No Longer In College

– You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close.
– Your potted plants stay alive.
– You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill.
– Your friends’ hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces.
– You attend parties that the police don’t raid.
– You’re not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking.
– You refer to college students as “those kids.”
– You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just beer, beer and beer.
– You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza.
– At 6 a.m., you’re putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out.
– Naps are no longer weekday options.
– Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy.
– Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato chips.
– You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.

The Real Expert

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.

Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead, she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, “If there’s anything you want to know, just ask me.”

The Top Ten Times In History When It Was OK To Use The ‘F’ Word

1. “What the fu(k was that?” -Mayor of Hiroshima
2. “Where did all these fu(king Indians come from?” -Custer
3. “Any fu(king idiot could understand that.” -Einstein
4. “It does SO fu(king look like her!” -Picasso
5. “How the fu(k did you work that out?” -Pythagoras
6. “You want WHAT on the fu(king ceiling?” -Michaelangelo
7. “I don’t suppose it’s gonna fu(king rain.” -Joan of Arc
8. “Scattered fu(king showers…my ass!” -Noah
9. “I need this parade like I need a fu(k ing hole in my head!” -JFK
10. “Aw, c’mon Monica, who the fu(k is going to find out?” -Bill Clinton

UCLA Study

A study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed
up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.

To Exercise Or Not To Exercise

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.
2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 97 and we don’t know where the hell she is.
3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.
6. I don’t exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.
11. I don’t jog – it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

You Only Make That Mistake Once

One of my husband’s duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, “There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!”

Checking to see that he had everyone’s attention, he asked, “What is the first rule?”

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, “Shut up, Drill Sergeant!”

What Not To Say To A Policeman

– I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
– Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize I was driving.
– Wow, you must’ve been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!
– I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
– You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
– You look just like my girlfriend’s deadbeat ex-husband.
– The question is — do YOU know why you pulled me over?
– I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it’s miles ahead of me.
– If you have to ask if I’ve been drinking, I’m not going to tell you, dude.
– It wasn’t my fault — when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.
– That’s a sweet 9mm. You want to see my .44 magnum?
– If I’d known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!

GirlFriend Version x.x

I’m currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I’ve been having some problems lately. I’ve been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I’ve tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won’t crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I’m embarrassed to say I can’t find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn’t have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right – as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn’t know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can’t understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I’ve never liked how GirlFriend is totally “object-oriented.”

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don’t upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can’t load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with PleasurePlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to PleasurePlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can’t turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won’t install anyway because of insufficient resources.

Your Insurance Covers Therapy Doesn’t It?