The Mom Song
Happy Mothers Day!
George Carlin – The 10 Commandments
Happy Birthday George We Miss You!
One of the few people who knew how to cut thru the bullshit and make it funny!
10 Things Never To Say To A Working Mom
1. It must be hard missing all those special moments every day.
2. I suppose it’s smart that you’re working. You know, in case your husband leaves you some day.
3. I’m surprised you went back to work. Your husband seems so successful.
4. It’s cute when they call your nanny “Mama.”
5. I just love my kids too much to leave them during the day.
6. Did you see Dateline? The one with the hidden camera in the day care?
7. I could never let someone else raise my children. But that’s just me!
8. I hated my mom because she was never home after school like everyone else’s mom.
9. You must feel so guilty.
10. I wish I were as laid-back as you and could just let the housework go.
Don’t Mess With Moms
My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.
Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that’s taught by Mr. Wright?
It’s all about the laws today,
The “Children’s Bill of Rights.”
It says I need not clean my room,
don’t have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don’t have to bow my head,
and I sure don’t have to pray.
I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue and nose.
I can read and watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toe.
And if you ever spank me,
I’ll charge you with a crime.
I’ll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.
Don’t you ever touch me,
my body’s only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that’s just more child abuse.
Don’t preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That’s nothing more than mind control,
and it’s illegal too!
Mom, I have these children’s rights,
so you can’t influence me,
or I’ll call Children’s Services Division,
better know as C.S.D.
Of course my first instinct was
to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn’t let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he’s messing with a pro.
Next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, “Pick out all you want,
there’s shirts and pants galore.
I’ve called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn’t care,
if I bought you K-Mart shoes,
instead of those Nike Airs.
I’ve cancelled that appointment
to take your driver’s test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned,
so I’ll decide what’s best.”
I said, “No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.
Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We’re having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine.”
He asked, “Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?”
“Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
you’ll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof over your head.
Your clothing won’t be trendy now,
I’ll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.
I’m selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike and roller blades,
Check out the “Parents Bill of Rights,”
It’s in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying,
why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D.?”
JOB DESCRIPTION: MOM
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, no one would have done it!!!!
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Momma, Ma
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
You Know You’re a Mom When . . .
1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor . . . and you don’t care.
2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone’s bleeding.
3. You can’t find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.
5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.
6. Popsicle’s become a food staple.
7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.
9. You’re willing to kiss your child’s boo-boo, regardless of where it is.
10. Your baby’s pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her, after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.
11. Your kids make jokes about flatulence, burping, pooping, etc…. and you think it’s funny.
12. You’re so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
13. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
14. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.
15. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
16. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispy bars.
17. You’re up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller blading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet . . . you STILL managed to gain 10 pounds.
The Last Of The Mom Dictionary!
REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen.
ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.
SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactment of famous historic events.
SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.
SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold, and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children’s clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child’s “special needs.”
TERRIBLE TWO’S: Having both kids at home all summer.
TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.
TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.
VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be “Just like Daddy.”
WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues, and wads of gum.
“WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME”: Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.
XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid’s lunch box even more mortifying.
ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried, or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: Cause you’re fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline
A: So what’s your question?
Q: What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him).
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure.
Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Famous Stupid Quotes
All of these Famous Last Words are all real statements made by real people. Some of the statements seem so ridiculous that its hard to believe that they were actually said. Sometimes a persons ego is bigger than the reality they are trying to comprehend!
“Of all the wild, crackpot and idiotic schemes, this is the most foolish”
British Postmaster General Lord Lichfield, shown a new idea called a ‘ stamp ‘by Rowland Hill circa 1839
“We don’t like the sound, guitar groups are on the way out”
Decca PR man Mr. Dick Rowe on being offered a contract with the Beatles in 1962.
“The Olympic games can have no more a deficit than a man giving birth to a child”
Mayor of Montreal Jean Drapeau, the hosted the 1976 Olympics, it cost the city One Billion Dollars
“X-rays will be proven to be a hoax”
Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal Society, 1893
“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible”
Another classic by Lord Kelvin, said in 1895.
“Radio, pah! it has no future”
Yes him again!! said in 1904.
“I think that there may be a world market for possibly five computers”
Thomas Watson, Chief IBM executive, 1958
“So we decided to go to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing!, Even built it with some of your parts, what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, “No.”, So we then went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, “Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t even got through college yet”
Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s Personal Computer.
“He will never amount to anything very much”
Munich High School report on Albert Einstein
“Ha Ha, Those cigarettes will never become popular”
Cigar makers E.G. Alton turning down a contract with John Player, 1890
“Ah that, yes, well, very interesting Whittle, but dear boy it will never work, so forget it”
Aeronautical engineering professor lecturing to jet engine designer and inventor Sir Frank Whittle, 1930.
“I’ve never felt better”
Douglas Fairbanks Sr, 1939, He died the very next second.
“The Bullet hasn’t been made that can kill me”
Jack `legs` Diamond, Gangster, shortly before being gunned down in 1931
“I do not believe that there will be a woman Prime Minister in my life time”
Education Minister Margaret Thatcher, 1973. Who became Prime Minister in 1979
“The notion that these iron coaches can replace cavalry is absurd”
One of Field Marshall Haig`s generals after inspecting tanks 1916
“No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris”
Orville Wright, shortly after he and his brother Wilbur accomplished the first man powered flight.
“Submarines won’t do anything but suffocate its crew and flounder at sea”
H.G.Wells on being asked for his honest views on submarines in 1901
How To Dump A Guy
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
Check those that apply…
___Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It’s just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
___Your legs are skinnier than mine.
___You’re too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
___You’re too tall. I’m developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
___You have a hairy back.
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.
___You still live with your parents.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.
Modern Economic Lingo
1. CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer.
2. CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.
3. BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
4. BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
5. VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
6. P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
7. BROKER — What my broker has made me.
8. STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
9. STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
10. STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between
11. FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
12. MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
13. CASH FLOW — The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
14. YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
15. WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
16. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Last year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
17. PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.
Crude, rude, lude, and simply disgusting!
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn’t eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.
Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven’t even finished your Grandmother yet.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sister’s guts.
Shut up and eat what’s put in front of you.
Mommy, Mommy! Why can’t we give Dad a decent burial?
Shut up and keep flushing.
Mommy, Mommy! What is a delinquent child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whiskey and deal those cards.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!
Mommy, Mommy! I’m sick of learning how to swim!
Shut up or I’ll flush it again!
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I’ll chop off the other leg!
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy’s running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!
Mommy, Mommy! What’s in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!
Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up and comb your face!
Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?
Shut up and keep digging.
Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa’s going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.
Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want to go to Australia.
Shut up son and keep swimming.
Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you’ll wake your father.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy’s Throwing up in the bathroom.
That’s ok dear your father can take care of himself.
But Billy’s eating all the big pieces.
I did warn you!