Friday Fun Stuff – 6-12-26

The French Revolution In A Nutshell – Family Guy

Irish People On The First Day of Summer

The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife’s not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She’s a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He’s involved with the women next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You’re in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the “birds and bees” talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It’s another man.
Ugly: He’s your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Bring It On Devil

The Devil whispered in my ear, “You’re not strong enough to withstand the storm.”

I whispered back, “At least I didn’t lose my golden fiddle to some hillbilly in Georgia.”

5 Secrets To A Perfect Relationship

1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.

4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It’s very, very important that these four women don’t know each other.

Chucklefuck

The word of the day is:

CHUCKLEFUcK (n.)

A special breed of dipshit who is entirely too happy with his own stupidity. It is the man who interrupts you with a maniacal smirk, entirely convinced he is about to drop a masterclass in logic, only to confidently unleash a stream of pure, Homer Simpson level bullshit. He isn’t just wrong; he is actively delighted about how wrong he is, giggling through his own nonsense while the entire room suffers from severe secondhand embarrassment.

Pro’s & Con’s

What are the pros and cons of having big boobs and what are the pros and cons of having small boobs?

I have big boobs myself and here are the pros and cons of having big boobs

Pros
— Many people find big boobs attractive. I always get stares in public because of them which I find very flattering.
— They’re fun to play with
— I make many women jealous because my boobs are bigger than theirs.

Cons
— They hurt my back
— They get in the way
— I have to buy baggier t-shirts
— They’re just annoying sometimes
— And I’m a dude

Moral Of The Story, Know When To Shut Up

Last night my wife asked me if I would still love her if she gained fifty pounds.

Brothers… every husband knows that’s not a question. That’s a surprise inspection. I immediately said, ‘Of course I would.’

She smiled and asked, ‘Why?

I said, ‘Because I love you for who you are.’

She smiled even more. Then I got confident and added, “Besides, fifty pounds isn’t that much.’

Brothers…the smile disappeared so fast I thought I witnessed a magic trick. Suddenly I was explaining math, apologizing for math, and regretting math.

Rules For Cats

I. DOORS
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it’s raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS
If you have to vomit, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When vomit on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human’s bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I) It is not necessary to do anything – just sit and stare.

IV. HELPING
If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping”; humans are known to refer to it as hampering”. The following are the rules for “helping”:
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim – to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love that.

V. WALKING
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are:
1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms;
2) In the dark; and
3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME
Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.

VII. COMPUTERS
1: Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help.
2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner’s sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.
4: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when it’s time to sharpen your nails.
5: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can’t blame you for this, since it’s your feline instinct to chase mice.

Not Too Sweet?

I went to my nearby pharmacy and asked to speak to the pharmacist on duty.

As I waited, I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.

I said, “Yes! Could you please taste this for me?

Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along. He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around. Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?”

The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “HELL NO!!!”

I said, “Oh, thank God! That’s a real relief! My doctor told me to have a pharmacist test my urine for sugar!”

You Might Be A Redneck if…

• You’ve ever tried to drown a fish.
• You can yell to your mom, “Hey, Aunt Betty!”
• Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.
• You’ve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
• More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
• Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
• Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event.
• None of your shirts cover your stomach.
• You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
• You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
• You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
• Your family tree does not fork.
• Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
• You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
• The fifth grade is referred to as “your senior year.”
• Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
• Your gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”
• You have the taxidermist’s number on speed-dial.
• Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
• The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
• Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
• You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
• Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
• You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.

Yeh, That’s What It’s Like

Student Teacher: So, what’s it like having your own class?

Teacher: Have you ever cooked a meal for 25 people, but everyone has dietary restrictions or preferences, and you have to make sure the meal is nutritious and delicious-but also beautifully plated and served on time? Also, everyone wants to help but also get in your way and make everything much, much harder, all while a committee tells you how to prepare this meal and sends in a meal prep expert (who has never cooked in their life) to critique your technique?

Lets Hear It For Cannibalism