Friday Fun Stuff – 11-17-23

Happy Thanksgiving From The Three Stooges

Happy Thanksgiving From The Muppet’s

Risqué Text From The Thanksgiving Dinner Table

• This dinner isn’t the only thing that’ll make you want to loosen your belt tonight.
• Can’t wait to pull your wishbone later.
• I’m going to need someone to help me get these pants off after this dinner.
• Saving room for you, for dessert.
• My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
• Ready to ditch your dinner and come baste my turkey instead?
• What are you going for tonight: thighs or breasts?
• Forget the pie, you’re having me for dessert tonight.
• I’d rather get lost in your sauce.
• Skipping the stuffing because I know you’ll have some for me later tonight.
• I’m ready to shuck your corn.
• I’d rather swallow your gravy train.
• I’ve got something else for you to feast on.
• Leave the pie. I have better plans for the whipped cream.
• Even though I’m your wife, you can hit it like a side dish.

Thanksgiving Pilgrims

Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church.

Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, “The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.”

“Oh, yeah?” her grandson replied, “So, why is their dad carrying that rifle?”

How To Cook A Turkey

Step 1: Go buy a turkey.
Step 2: Take a drink of Wild Turkey.
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven.
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of Wild Turkey.
Step 5: Set the oven at 375degrees.
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink.
Step 7: Turn oven the on.
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky.
Step 9: Turk the bastey.
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get.
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer.
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey.
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey.
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick.
Step 17: Turk the carvey.
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch.
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

Bad Drivers License Photo

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, “It’s okay. That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

Things To Do To Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner

1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught” and refuse to say anything more.
3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad’s not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.
4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, “See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing.”

Golf Joke

These four men were playing their usual weekend early morning golf game and three of them were bitching about how difficult it was to get away to play golf, each saying how their respective wife always tried to get him to do something else around the house.

The fourth guy said “I never have a problem with my wife”, whereupon the other three looked at him in amazement saying “What’s your secret, tell us, PLEASE”. So, he said “At 6 A.M., I awaken my wife and say ‘GOLF COURSE or INTERCOURSE’ and she always replies ‘You’d better put on a warm sweater’”.

The Wit And Wisdom of Homer Simpson

Who doesn’t love and admire Homer Simpson? While this lovable oaf has entertained us for more than a decade, we often overlook the profound and entertaining insights he imparts. Here are some of his more memorable gems.

• Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.
• American donuts. Glazed, powdered and raspberry-filled. Now how’s that for freedom of choice?
• Canada? Why would I want to leave America just to visit America, Jr.?
• I never apologize, I’m sorry but that’s the way I am.
• I’d love to go to church, honey, but I’ve got a lot of work to do around the bed.
• I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
• Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?
• Go ahead and play the blues if it’ll make you happy.
• Pork chops and bacon, my two favorite animals.
• But Dad, you’re a very old man, and old people are useless.
• He’s trying to hypnotize me, and it’s not in that good Las Vegas kind of way.
• What’s the point of having children if you can’t buy their love?
• It’s like the story of David and Goliath, except this time David won.
• Marge, this ticket doesn’t just give me a seat. It also gives me the right, no, the duty, to make a complete ass of myself.
• I’ll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
• That horse had better win, or else we’re taking a trip to the glue factory. And he won’t get to come.
• Internet. They have that on computers now?
• It takes two to lie Marge. One to lie and one to listen.
• You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel.
• Assaulting your family is one thing, but I will not stand idly by while you feed a hungry dog.
• Just sit through this NRA meeting Marge, and if you still don’t think guns are great then we’ll argue some more.

The Death Notice

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper,

but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered then a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”

Replied the widow, “I nursed him night and day so of course I knew he died of diarrhea. But I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.”

Alcohol Quotes

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
–Frank Sinatra

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
–Timothy Walsh

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
–Anonymous

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
–Henny Youngman

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
–Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk, and go to heaven.
–Brian O’Rourke

You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It also helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
–Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
–Winston Churchill

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
–Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
–Humphrey Bogart

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
–Homer Simpson

Using Bad Words In Class

A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. While they were working she heard a little girl say very softly “damn!”

The teacher leaned over and said quietly, “We don’t say that in school.”

The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, “Not even when things are all fucked up?”

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