Apple’s Creepy New iPhone
Funny Women On Twitter
Should I be more grossed out that I found my friends vibrator in her kitchen or by the amount of cat hair that was on it?
I can’t wait for the new Oscar Wilde collection “9,000 Scintillating Ways to Insult Women”.
I don’t totally understand the concept of “Tex-Mex.” Is that just Mexican food that should “stop taking our jobs?”
Rupert Murdoch shut down the tabloid “News of the World”. Now when I want to see bat boys and 800-pound women, I’ll have to log onto eHarmony.
U know that scene in T2 where they destroy the terminator in that factory. That’s where American Apparel is made.
Some people never change. Like that homeless dude on the corner. I’ve seen him wear that same shirt three days in a row.
I find that talking about my period makes meetings end much faster.
Boobs are nature’s way of saying “BOOBS!”
Between Google+’s group video chat & Facebook’s new video chat, one thing is clear: I have to wax my eyebrows & stop sitting around topless.
When shooting a wedding, almost ALWAYS use a camera.
Don’t tell me peanut butter on a spoon and wine out of a coffee cup doesn’t “pair well”
It never fails to amaze me how no one seems to feel bad for me when I’m hung over and throwing up in my purse.
I ate an entire box of Melba toast in one day. When I do dull, I really do it up big.
Even though my parents’ visit is over, their guilt trip never ends.
If I’m this angry and disappointed at the omelet I just made I can only imagine how I’m going to feel about my kids.
“Isn’t it so funny that we’re BOTH not wearing underwear? – From my friend at dinner, who apparently thinks I’m not wearing underwear
The School Telephone
(This is especially for teachers.)
Here is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.
This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children’s absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children’s failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
This is the actual answering machine message for the school: “Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:”
“To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1″
“To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work- Press 2″
“To complain about what we do – Press 3″
“To swear at staff members – Press 4
“To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5″
“If you want us to raise your child – Press 6″
“If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7″
“To request another teacher for the third time this year- Press 8″
“To complain about bus transportation – Press 9″
“To complain about school lunches – Press 0″
“If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!”
Healthy Insanity for Retirement
• At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars
• On all your check stubs, write, ‘For Marijuana’
• Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get
• Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat – be serious about it
• Sing along at the opera
• When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I won, I won”
• When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot while yelling, “Run for your lives! They’re loose!”
• Tell your children over dinner: “Due to the economy, we’re going to have to let one of you go”
• Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
• Go to a department store fitting room and yell, “There’s no toilet paper in here”
Car Insurance Statements
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I thought my window was down but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
The Pains of Childbirth
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic was available to respond to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place… Smack his bottom again!”
If you don’t laugh at this one, there’s no hope for you.
More Date Excuses
Hopefully you’ve never had these used on you, but this is a list of excuses to use if that “special” someone asks you out and you don’t know how to say no. If someone gives you one of these excuses, it is very likely that they have absolutely no interest in going out with you.
1. I’ve come down with a really horrible case of something or other
2. I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist
3. My plot to take over the world is thickening
4. I have to fulfill my potential
5. I don’t want to leave my comfort zone
6. I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary
7. My subconscious says no
8. I left my body in my other clothes
9. The last time I went out, I never came back
10. I have to answer all of my “occupant” letters
11. None of my socks match
12. I have to be on the next train to Bermuda
13. I’m having all my plants neutered
14. I changed the lock on my door and now I can’t get out
15. I’m making a home movie called “The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator.”
16. I’m attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer
17. My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night
18. I never go out on days that end in “Y.”
19. My mother would never let me hear the end of it
20. I just picked up a book called “Glue in Many Lands” and I can’t put it down
The wife came home early to find her husband with another woman.
“You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving this house and I want a divorce!”
The husband replied, “Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave,at least listen to what happened.”
“It’ll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you cheating creep.”
While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her into my car.
I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had not eaten for three days. Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll gain more weight. When I served them to her, the poor young thing practically inhaled them.
Since she was dirty I asked her if she’d like to bathe. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were worn-out and full of holes so I threw them away.
Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you no longer wear because they’re too tight on you. I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.
I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you won’t wear just to bother my sister. And I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.
After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the door where she turned around and with tears of gratitude streaming down her cheeks, she asked me…
“Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn’t use?”
What Kids Taught Me
Those kids are up to no good!! You find out interesting things when you have kids, like…
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old kid can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR’s do not eject “PB&J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of men who read this and try the brake fluid and clorox mix…..(but, boys, it’s toxic, so wear a mask)
A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in Kentucky recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”
“Naw, sir, I ain’t got none of them there licenses, no. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.”
“Pet fish?” asked the game warden.
“Yeah. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them swim ’round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take them home.”
“That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that!” says the warden.
The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, “It’s the truth, Mr. Government man, I’ll show you. It really works.”
“Okay,” said the game warden, “I’ve GOT to see this!”
The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, “Well?”
“Well, what?” asked the hillbilly.
The warden said, “When are you going to call them back?”
The hillbilly said, “Call who back?”
“The FISH!” replied the warden.
“What fish?” asked the hillbilly.
In Kentucky, we may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain’t as dumb as folks think…
Recently I was checking my 401k account and thinking about retirement. Then I saw an article about nursing homes and retirement homes and the expenses.
Suddenly it hit me. No nursing home for me! Here is my plan:
I’m checking into the Holiday Inn.
With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble.
I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it’s $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also leaves enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. Plus, I’ll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer. I’ll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I’ll be treated like a customer, not a patient.
Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling.
There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere.
Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever — you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from the family. They will always be glad to visit you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?
When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees. Most standard rooms have coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV — all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon. After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day.
Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends.
Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well.
If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you’ll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you’re getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room — your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.
Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the feasibility of my plan. I’m happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!
So, when I reach the golden age I’ll face it with a grin.
Just forward all your emails to the Holiday Inn!