The Killers Sing “Old Man Jimmy (Is Soon to Die)”
24 Clear Signs You’re a Mom
You know you are a mom when:
1. Instead of running from projectile vomit, you run towards it.
2. You do more in seven minutes than most people do all day.
3. Happy hour has become the 60 minutes between your kids going to bed and you going to bed.
4. A night of drinking requires more recovery time than minor surgery.
5. A glass of wine counts as a serving of fruit.
6. You have mini-therapy sessions all day long with anyone who will listen.
7. Going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.
8. You can experience heaven and hell at the same time.
9. You think of physical pain on three levels: pain, excruciating pain and stepping on a Lego.
10. You have the ability to hear a sneeze through closed doors in the middle of the night, two bedrooms away, while your SO snores next to you.
11. You’d rather have a 103 degree fever than watch one of your kids suffer with it.
12. You’d rather go to sleep than have sex.
13. A 15-minute shower with the door locked feels like a day at the spa.
14. Peeing with an audience is part of the daily routine.
15. You use baby wipes to clean up random spills and the dash of your car.
16. You lock yourself in the bathroom and pretend to have diarrhea just to get a break.
17. You love Moms’ Night Out and Date Night with the Hubs.
18. You have a secret chocolate stash because frankly, you’re sick of sharing.
19. You’ve been washing the same load of laundry for three days because you forgot to dry it.
20. You realize you’ve been watching Nick Jr. alone, even though your kids have been in bed for over 30 minutes.
21. You can cook dinner, breastfeed, talk on the phone and yell at the kids, all without breaking stride or missing any of the TV show you are watching.
22. You get more excited about the Mini Boden Catalogue than J Crew’s.
23. You decide to stick with your car for the next decade because a) you can’t afford to switch and b) you haven’t found a car wash that knows how to get all the milk stains and glitter removed.
24. By the end of the day, brushing your teeth feels like a huge accomplishment.
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, “Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!”
Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, “Channel No. 5, $150 an ounce!”
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns, bends over and farts……. “Broccoli – 49 cents a pound.”
Laws of Work
If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Anything anyone can do badly will be done worse.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Hell’s Angels Bikers
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell’s Angels bikers walked in. The first biker approached the old man, threw his cigarette into the old man’s pie, and then took a seat at the counter.
Then, a second biker walked over to the old man, spit into his glass of milk, and then took a seat at the counter.
Finally, a third biker verbally attacked the old man, knocked his plate of food into his lap, and then took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers commented to the waitress, “Not much of a man, is he?”
The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”
A Few Laughs From The Famous
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.”
– Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
– Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
– George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
– Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
– Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
– Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
– Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
– Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
– Rodney Dangerfield
Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
– Spike Milligan
I am opposed to millionaires… but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
– Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
– Joe Namath
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
– Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
– W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
– Will Rogers
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation, as you grow older, it will avoid you.
– Winston Churchill
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
– Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
– Billy Crystal
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. “Mind if I have a few” he asks.” No, not at all” the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
“I’m terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few.”
“Oh that’s all right” the woman says. “Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.”
You Know It’s Time To Reassess Your Relationship With Your Computer When…
1. You wake up at 4 o’clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys : -) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com
7. You can’t correspond with your mother because she doesn’t have a computer.
8. When your email box shows “no new messages” and you feel really depressed.
9. You don’t know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen names and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you Landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don’t laugh, you just say “LOL, LOL”
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
One Day Off
Mr. Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy housecleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“We’re shorthanded, Smith,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks, boss,” says Smith. “I knew I could count on you!”
Things to Say at a Job Interview
See photo of interviewer’s family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; “Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.”
Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: “The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don’t ya’ think?”
Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.
Claim you wouldn’t even need a sit-in’ job if Al Einstein hadn’t stolen your secret patent for- ’2000 Flushes’
Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.
Ask if it’s O.K. that you sit on the floor.
Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.
Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you’re not leaving.
Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn’t feel like making anything else up.
Ask secretary if she’ll sit on your lap during interview.
Walk into interviewers office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; “NOW we can begin.”
When making small talk and the Simpson trial comes up, shout; You mean Homer and Marge are in some kind of trouble?” run out of room.
Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; “smell these, these smell funny to you???”
Upon walking in to the office for first time ask reception to hold all your calls.
“Cash, check or charge?” the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
“Do you always carry your TV remote?” the cashier asked.
“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”