Tampon Commercial – Presented by Men!
More Groucho Marx Quotes
She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
Time wounds all heels.
Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?
A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
Remember men you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
Oh are you from Wales?? Do you know a fella named Jonah?? He used to live in whales for a while.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
This man has the mind of a 4-year old boy … and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
Look, if you don’t like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can’t find that, you can leave in a taxi.
Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren’t developed . . . But we’re going back next week.
Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Outside of a dog a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s to dark to read.
She’s afraid that if she leaves, she’ll become the life of the party.
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
“Call me a cab!”, Groucho replies, “OK, you’re a cab.”
I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I’ll dance with the cows till you come home.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said “I was just whispering in her mouth.”
Reply to Anti-Fur Activists
Here’s a good comeback for when someone comes up to you and complains about you wearing a fur coat:
“You know a cow was murdered for that leather jacket?”
You reply, staring deeply at them and speaking in a psychotic tone, “I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.”
More Funny Signs
In a veterinarians waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!”
In a restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.”
Inside a bowling alley:
“Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.”
In the front yard of a funeral home:
“Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”
In a counselors office:
“Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
At a Santa Fe gas station:
“We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.”
In a New York restaurant:
“Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.”
In a Los Angeles dance hall:
“Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.”
In a Florida maternity ward:
“No children allowed.”
In a New York drugstore:
“We dispense with accuracy.”
In the offices of a loan company:
“Ask about our plans for owning your home.”
In a New York medical building:
“Mental Health Prevention Center”
On a Maine shop:
“Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”
At a number of military bases:
“Restricted to unauthorized personnel.”
On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards:
“Now available in multi-packs.”
Blind Man In Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.” When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar.
Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!”
The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
Reasons To Be Single
• Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.
• I wouldn’t have to explain why I’m wearing “that” shirt with “those” pants.
• I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please.
• I could actually tell the bartender, “If anyone calls, I’m here”.
• I’d be painting the town instead of the house.
• When I get home after work, I don’t have to start work again.
• I could show my girlfriend where I live.
• The only weeds I’d be concerned with are the ones I’m rolling.
• I would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.
• I’d get to see what my paycheck looks like.
• I’d get to see what my credit cards look like.
• You can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every day of the week!
• Going to a strip club doesn’t have to be a covert mission.
• Bachelors don’t have Mother-in-laws.
• I wouldn’t have to watch sub-titled French films.
• I could home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge.
• I could use my own name at hotels.
• I wouldn’t have a driving instructor grading me every time I go somewhere.
• When asked his opinion, a single guy can say “Hell yes, you’re fat!”.
Microsoft And GM
Bill Gates and the president of General Motors were attending a Q and A session during a business conference. Gates boasted of the innovations his company had made.
“If GM had kept up with technology the way Microsoft has,” Gates bragged. “we’d all be driving $25 cars that get 1,000 miles per gallon.”
“I suppose that’s true,” the GM executive agreed, “But would you really want your car to crash twice a day?”
You Might Be A Redneck If…
You think women are turned on by animal sounds.
You think women are turned on by tongue gestures.
You have to dress the kids up to go to WalMart.
You grow a beard because hey, it looks good on your sister.
You’ve ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley.
You know how many bales of hay your car can hold.
You made a hot tub with a trolling motor.
You have a tattoo that says “Mother” and its spelled wrong.
How Will You Pay For This?
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.
“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” the nun said while patting his hand. “We
do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”
“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.
“Can you pay in cash?”
“I’m afraid I can’t, Sister.”
“Do you have any close relatives, then?”
“Just my sister in New Mexico,” replied, “but she’s a spinster nun.”
“Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith,” the nun replied. “They are married to God.”
“Okay,” the man said with a smile, “then bill my brother-in-law.”
10 Great Truths Adults Have Learned About Life
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.
2. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
5. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
6. Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
7. Laughing helps. It’s like jogging on the inside.
8. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
9. If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.
10. You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
You may remember the old Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Dotie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others. If not then you probably don’t know this, but there is not one single swear word in their comedy.
* There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? “Honey, I’m home!”
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* I was just in London – there is a 6-hour time difference. I’m still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
* Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!”
Patient: “I AM 60!”
Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”
* A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”
* Doctor says to a man, “You’re pregnant!” The man says, “How does a man get pregnant?” The doctor says, “The usual way. A little wine, a little dinner, you know?”
* Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.”
Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”
* Why do divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
* Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
* I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.
Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart!