Whose Line Is It Anyway
The funniest show on television with Robin Williams…Holly Shit!!!
Freshman Guide To Bra Removal
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.
WHAT YOU NEED
1) Girl with bra
2) Two functional hands
3) Common Sense
1) THE HOUDINI HUG — Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, “Ta-da!”
2) MCGYVER’S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE — An alternative method to use after ten minutes of unsuccessful hugging.
3) HILTON’S LAST RESORT — Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of wicked laughter.
DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, explosives, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.
WARNING: When removing a bra you should NOT say the following:
1) “I really want to thank you for this.”
2) “Dang it! I thought they were bigger.”
3) “Do you have any cereal?”
In Honor Of Stupid People
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — “Do not turn upside down.”
(well…duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts.”
(talk about a news flash)
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.”
(…and you thought????…)
On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping.
(But that’s the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.”
(and that would be???….)
On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
(but, it’s just a suggestion.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.”
(but wouldn’t this save me time?)
On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
(..I’m taking this because???….)
On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
(as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.”
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
(Step 3: say what?)
On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
(I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish Chainsaw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
(Oh my God was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)