Hospital For Over Acting – Monty Python
I Don’t Look Good Naked Anymore
Midlife Barbie
Introducing the new, Improved Midlife Barbie:
Now, at long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic…
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
3. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.
4. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
5. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
6. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
7. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
8. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book “Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self” is included.
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, and Ken’s boat.
After Twenty Years
A woman awakens during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. “What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room.
“Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?” he asks solemnly.
“Yes, I do” she replies.
The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?”
“Yes, I remember” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?”
“I remember that too” she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, “I would have been released today.”
Reasons To Stay At Work All Night
1. Act out your version of a company takeover.
2. Find a way to change everyone’s password to “chrysanthemum”.
3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.
4. Sneaking in the boss’s desk could land you an unexpected promotion.
5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out “what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art”.
6. Go into the other gender’s bathroom without fear of being caught.
7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.
8. Leave prank messages on the CEO’s voice mail.
9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.
10. Elevator surfing!
Hearing
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years but refused to get hearing aids because he didn’t want anyone to see them. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% without the aids showing.
The elderly gentleman went back to the doctor a month later for a checkup and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
Report Cards
Actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as part of their >>final narratives.
1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to >dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to >achieve >them.
6. The student has a “full six-pack” but lacks the plastic thing to hold it >all >together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a >week.
11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out >1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
It Helps To Get It From The Horses Mouth
Youtuber: Here’s how Stephen King wrote so much in his early career. Habit. Discipline of writing every day. Following his passion.
That’s the secret sauce to productivity.
Stephen King: It was cocaine. Also alcohol, but mainly cocaine. There’s an entire book I don’t even remember writing.
Things You’d Never Know if it Weren’t for The Movies
Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people – whether they are employed or not.
At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which wire to cut.
You will always choose the right one.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society, and run an applications system that everyone is very familiar with.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
Radiation causes interesting mutations-not to your future children, but to you – right then and there – or, over a period of time until you finally go crazy and kill people.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission, or anything else, at the age of 22.
Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down days before their retirement.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
During all police investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread and one bunch of carrots complete with leafy tops.
It’s easy to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, makeup never rubs off – even while scuba diving or after fighting alien monsters. But if your overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.
All women who are not virgins, have large breasts, and/or display them, will be killed in a gruesome manner.
If someone says, “I’ll be right back”, they won’t.
Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say: Enter Password Now.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
Unique Breakfast
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read Unique Breakfast, so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
“What’s your Unique Breakfast?” he asked.
“Baked tongue of chicken!” she proudly replied.
“Baked tongue of chicken? Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth!” he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, “What would you like, then?”
“Just bring me some scrambled eggs,” the man replied
Actual Warning Labels
… On a hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
… On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
… On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
… On a Swanson frozen dinner: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
… On a Tesco’s Tiramisu Dessert (printed on bottom): Do not turn upside down.
… On a Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
… On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
… On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.
… On Nytol Sleep Aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.
… On most brands of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
… On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
… On Sainsbury’s peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
… On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
… On a child’s Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
What Did He Say?
Hey, Mom,” asked Little Johnny, “can you give me twenty dollars?”
“Certainly not,” she said.
“If you do,” he went on, “I’ll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop.”
His mother’s ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. “Well? What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'”
She Just Wanted To Be Loved
Oh Yeh, Were Are The Scissors?
For When That Generation Grows Up
If Your Actually At A Fast Food Joint You Can’t Get Any Of Them
What’s The Spread On That?
This Would Go Over Most Bosses Heads
They Got Some Bad Ass Mosquitos Up There
I Wonder How Many People Tried To Climb Them And How Many People Just Laughed
Well That I Gotta Have…Said No Sane & Smart Person Ever!
How To Know Your Living In The 21st Century
