Friday Fun Stuff – 12-22-17

BOB & DOUG McKENZIE – The 12 Days of Christmas

Inappropriate Jingle Bells!!!

Top 10 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus On Christmas

10. Instead of milk and cookies leave Santa a Weight Watchers bar and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds!

9. While Santa’s in the house… go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket!

8. While Santa’s in the house… replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to fly!

7. Keep a bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big fat Santa suit!!

6. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wants to remind him to pick up a loaf of bread on his way home.

5. Take everything out of your house as if it has just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well, well… They always return to the scene of the crime”

4. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute corrections.

3. Leave out a Santa suit with a dry-cleaning bill.

2. Instead of Christmas ornaments decorate your tree with pumpkins!

1. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa Claus to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us buddy!!”

A Modern Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, except me and my spouse

The stockings were empty, no presents were wrapped,
We were way behind schedule and our resources tapped

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While the horrors of assembling danced in our heads

Dad armed with a screwdriver, ready and poised,
To build a red trike for one of our boys

When off in the hall there arose a strange noise,
We dove over boxes to hide all the toys

The thud, it turned out, was our dumb puppy Paul,
Who was chasing the cat and ran into the wall

Back to his task, Dad cursed at his mess,
I suspect he was lost, but he’d never confess

He wrestled with parts and fumbled with tools,
Emailed the manufacturer and called them all fools

After hours of struggle, the bike finally took shape,
With a few cuts and bruises and the aid of duct tape

He stood back and gaped at the bike he just built,
It weaved and it wobbled and rolled with a tilt

His frustration grew; his voice shook as he spoke,
“The directions are Greek, it’s all a sick joke”

At this point he snapped, his thinking unclear,
He’ll do something stupid, this was my big fear

He grabbed each toy’s instructions, oh why won’t he learn,
Tossed them into the fire, chanting “burn baby burn”

“Burn Disney, burn Huffy, to blazes with you,
Burn Fisher Price, Playskool and Hasbro, too”

As smoke filled the room, this was his first clue,
That in a moment of haste, he had neglected the flue

To the top of the mantle, to the top of the wall,
A black cloud developed and ash settled on all

Soot landed on stockings and covered the tree,
And gave a look of charcoal to all we could see

The firemen came, this wasn’t going to be fun,
Seems the neighbors saw smoke and called 9-1-1

Out came the axe, out came the hoses,
Out came a Dalmatian who trampled my roses

“There’s no trouble here,” I swore up and down,
Realizing this faux pas would soon be around town

“My husband’s a good man,” I tried to explain,
“The instructions weren’t clear. It drove him insane”

The fire chief nodded and gathered his crew,
Hopped onto their truck and away they all flew

But I heard them converse as they drove out of sight,
“Her husband’s the third jerk who’s done that tonight!”

Why Santa Wants A Raise

10. The hours, the weather and the trend toward smaller chimneys.
9. Nike won’t give him a lucrative side-contract.
8. Reindeer and elves have unionized.
7. New tax on flying sleighs.
6. Sleigh fuel has gone through the roof.
5. Needs extra cash to cover off-season gambling losses.
4. New air traffic controllers.
3. Cost of living increase at the North Pole.
2. Children don’t leave as many cookies as they used to.
1. Mrs. Clause told him to.

When Santa Gets Annoyed

Dear Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yer.
Yer Frend,

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You’re on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How ’bout I send you a book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!



Dearest Santa,

We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get in to our home?



First, stop calling yourself ‘Marky.’ That’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don’t live in a house, that’s a low-rent apartment complex you’re living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams!



Dear Santa,

I’ve written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really, really want a fire truck this year.

Dear Joey,

Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I’m gonna torch your house. You’ll have more fire trucks than you’ll know what to do with.


Christmas Carols For The Psychiatrically Challenged

Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Queens Disoriented Are
Dementia — I Think I’ll be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me
Manic — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and……
Paranoid — Santa Claus is Coming to Get me
Borderline Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder —Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…

Wrapping Presents With A Cat

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.
3. Open door and remove cat from closet.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc. . .
7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.
14. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.
15. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper.
16. Cut second sheet of paper to size – by putting cat in the bag the present came in.
17. Place present on paper.
18. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don’t reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.
19. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent sticky tape.
20. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
21. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
22. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.
23. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
24. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat’s enthusiastic ribbon chase.
25. Repeat steps 17-24 until you reach last sheet of paper.
26. Decide to skip steps 17-21 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper.
27. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
28. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
29. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked room.
30. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper and materials.
31. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and relock.
32. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cat from outside door)
33. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best)
34. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year’s paper. Remember that you haven’t got any left because cat helped with this last year as well.
35. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.
36. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.
37. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job.
38. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
39. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion.
40. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
41. Go to store and buy a gift bag.

The Twelve Days Of A Redneck Christmas

On my first day of Christmas… pa gave to me,

Some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my second day of Christmas… pa gave to me,

2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my third day of Christmas… pa gave to me,

3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my forth day of Christmas… pa gave to me,

4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my fifth day of Christmas… pa gave to me,

4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my sixth day of Christmas… pa gave to me,

6 cans of Spam
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my seventh day of Christmas… pa gave to me,

7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my eighth day of Christmas… pa gave to me,

8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my ninth day of Christmas… pa gave to me,

9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my tenth day of Christmas… pa gave to me,

10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my eleventh day of Christmas… pa gave to me,

11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my twelfth day of Christmas… pa gave to me,

12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

Preparing for Santa

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.
Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.

However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us…

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads:
“These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen …” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.”

5. “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!”
And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I her’d dat!”

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back Off!” The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like “Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be: Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox,” Cledus T. Judd’s “All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack,” and Hank Williams Jr.’s “If You Don’t Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It.”

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
North American Fairies and Elves Local 209

Funny Christmas Warnings

This product not intended for use as a dental drill.
Television advert warning on a DIY electric rotary tool.

This product is not to be used in bathrooms.
On a bathroom heater given last year to Will’s Aunt as a Christmas present.

Christmas Lights Warning:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.
On a Christmas card for a 1 year old.

Do not use if you cannot see to read the information in the information booklet.
In the information booklet.

Do not place this product into any electronic equipment.
On the case of a chocolate CDs in a Christmas gift basket.

Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.
On a bottle of Christmas shampoo for dogs.

Keep out of reach of children and teenagers.
On a can of spray foam used to decorate glass at Christmastime.

Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death.
A label inside a protective bag containing fragile Christmas presents which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.

Battery may explore or leak.
On a battery found in a Christmas present.

Your Father Is Drunk

To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

Oh you better not shout, you better not cry,
You better not pout, I’m tellin’ you why,
Daddy’s home and I think he’s drunk.

He’s walkin’ real slow, he slurs when he speaks,
I don’t even think he’s shaved in two weeks,
Daddy’s home and boy is he drunk,

He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black
And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track.

You better not pout, you better not cry,
I don’t like that look in his eye,
Daddy’s home and I think he’s….
Daddy’s home and boy is he…….
Daddy’s home and he’s really drunk!

I’m Sure That Didn’t Hurt At All
I'm Sure That Didn't Hurt At All
Why Didn’t I Think Of That?
Why Didn't I Think Of That
Somehow I Don’t Think So
Somehow I Don't Think So
By Also Having A Whole Bunch Of People Cruse The Street
By Also Having A Whole Bunch Of People Cruze The Street
What I Really Want For Christmas
What I Really Want For Christmas
No, That’s Not It
No, That's Not It
Yet Another Reason Santa Wants A Vacation
Yet Another Reason Santa Wants A Vacation
I’ll Have To Remember That One
I'll Have To Remeber That One
Spreading Holiday Cheer
Spreading Holiday Cheer
I Can’t Believe You Thought He’d Fall For That
I Can't Believe You Thought He'd Fall For That

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