The Interview – Monty Python’s Flying Circus
Sarah Silverman’s Marijuana Adventures With Her Parents on Conan
Why Logic In America Is Missing
I’m terrified of Muslims. I don’t want sharia law in America.
OK. Let’s avoid that by separating church and state.
Nope. I believe in Jesus and want this country to be more Christian.
OK. Here are some refugees who need help.
Nope. Not helping refugees while we still have homeless kids and veterans here.
OK. Here’s a bill to help vets.
Nope. I don’t want to raise taxes.
OK. What about homeless kids? Surely they deserve some help.
Nope. Their parents are just lazy and want handouts. They shouldn’t have had kids if they can’t afford kids.
OK. Let’s fund Planned Parenthood to help people plan their parenthood.
Nope. Some of that money might go for an abortion, and I’m Pro Life.
OK. Let’s give everyone easier access to health care to improve and extend their lives.
Nope. That’s socialism. I believe in the Constitution, not dirty, dirty socialism.
OK. At least we can agree on that. I especially like the way the Constitution gives everyone freedom of (and from) religion.
Yes! Freedom of religion. Except Muslims. I’m terrified of Muslims…
Funny One Liners
1. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
2. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.
3. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
4. I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will say, “Your password is incorrect.”
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. I’m great at multi-tasking–I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
7. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
8. Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don’t care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
9. Doesn’t expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
10. Take my advice — I’m not using it.
11. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
12. I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
13. Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.
14. Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
15. I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is gathering dust.
16. Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.
17. I’ll bet you $4,567 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
18. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
19. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
20. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Two women were out for a stroll.
One had a Doberman and the other a Chihuahua.
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend “Let’s go over to that bar for a drink.”
The lady with the Chihuahua said “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”
The one with the Doberman said “Just watch, and do as I do.”
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”
The woman with the Doberman said “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer said “A Doberman?”
The woman said “Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good.”
The bouncer said “OK, come on in.”
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought “What the heck” so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”
The woman said “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog”
The bouncer said “A Chihuahua?”
The woman with the Chihuahua said, “A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?!”
Hilarious Ways To Mess With People’s Heads In An Elevator
1. Greet everyone that enters the elevator with a firm and serious handshake, then say, “Welcome aboard, you can call me Captain.” Works best if you have a Navy cap on.
2. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”
3. After a few moments of quiet, say the following in a panicked voice: “Oh god, did I just say that out loud… No… No, I’m okay.”
4. Make quiet explosion noises whenever someone presses a button.
5. Pretend you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
6. Swat insistently at flies that don’t exist.
7. If you’re with more than one other friend on the elevator, have everyone face backwards. When someone tries to enter, they’ll be confused and torn between facing forward like normal or joining the crowd and succumbing to peer pressure.
8. When there is only one other passenger on the elevator, tap him/her on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.
9. Randomly make meowing noises occasionally.
10. Without actually farting… say, “Eehh, that one is gonna smell.”
11. Say, “I’ve always wondered what this button does.” Then press all the emergency buttons.
12. Draw a mid-sized square around your feet with chalk. Then look up and say in a serious voice, “This is my personal space.”
13. When there’s a decent amount of people on the elevator, walk to the front and say, “I’m sure you’re all wondering why I brought you here today.”
14. If you’re ever left with one other person, turn to them and say, “Finally, we’re alone. I thought they’d NEVER leave.”
15. When I’m in an elevator with my wife and someone else, I always lean over to my wife and say, “So… do you think your husband knows about us?” She usually plays along, and we drag the conversation out, making it as awkward as possible.
16. Turn to somebody on the elevator, look logingly into their eyes, and say, “I’m ready to take things to the next level if you are.” Then push the button for the next floor.
17. When arriving at your floor, start to strain hard at the doors, trying to pry them open. Then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
18. Look around and say, “I feel like I’ve gotten to know you all on so many different levels.”
19. Hold the door open and say, “I’m waiting for a friend.” Wait a moment, let the doors close, then say, “Hey Greg, how’s your day going?” as if someone were standing beside you.
20. I always ask people to “push 15 for me please” when there are only 14 floors, or one more than whatever the top floor is in that building. Most people actually try to look for the nonexistent floor for a few seconds.
It’s The Pits Getting Old!!!
This is why you should listen very closely to your doctor’s instructions.
I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists’ high counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.
The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me. I said, “Yes! Could you please taste this for me?” Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along. He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.
Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing. When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?”
The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “HELL NO!!!”
I said, “Oh, thank God! That’s a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!”
I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don’t care, because they aren’t very friendly there anymore.
Some Personal Thoughts On Living
My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.
I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
I don’t mean to brag but……I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school?
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented….I forgot where I was going with this.
I love being over 50. I learn something new every day…….and forget 5 others.
A thief broke into my house last night……He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like: I KNOW!, Right?
I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Bacon & Abstinence
A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.
After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”
The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.
Finally the rabbi quietly observed, “Beats the hell out of a bacon sandwich doesn’t it?”
Actual Things Said By Patients Before Being Put To Sleep
1. Right before I went under to have surgery on my septum… I was about to start counting backwards before they put the mask on.
“Does anyone need anything while I’m out?”
2. I had just woken up after having my shoulder worked on. I was in and out of consciousness for a bit and just generally feeling whacked out. I guess I shifted in the bed and move the blankets a bit and exposed myself as the nurse came in. She smiled and moved the blankets back.
I apparently told the nurse “You saw mine, do I get to see yours?
My wife was in the chair next to the bed.
3. I once tried to say something funny right before surgery, they were about to put me out and I said, “go easy on me doc, it’s my first time.”
I gave a little chuckle and so did the doctor… he then picked up a scalpel and said, “don’t worry, it’s my first time too.”
And then I promptly blacked out…
4. I looked the surgeon squarely in the eyes, and with a straight face I whispered: “I want you inside me.”
5. I tend to get aroused while under anesthesia, but it’s fine, just tape it down if it gets in the way.
6. “My twin owes me big time for this one.”
7. “If I don’t make it through this, tell my wife I want her to be buried alive with me.”
8. When I had my wisdom teeth removed and was given general anesthetic, I apparently said “If this is what being on drugs is like, sign me up.”
He went and told on me to my mother.
9. Who’s the guy with the scythe standing in the corner?
10. As they were pushing the drugs they asked me to count backwards from 10. All I could say was, “no.” The room erupted in laughter and I was out.
11. I was being put under for a wisdom tooth extraction a few years back, and it was the first time I’ve ever had anesthesia. They used injection method rather than gas, so they told me to watch the fluids going in so i could gauge when i’d feel sleepy. I had this idea that i would say something like “oh no, doc, i’ve lost my eyesight” or something else preposterous. Before i could collect my thoughts i just immediately blurted “well shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit” (my voice progressively getting lower) and passed out.
12. Terribly inappropriate joke. Had to have a colonoscopy, so they gave me some medication and it was weird. Anyways, I was feeling silly and told him “First time doing anal on camera, and I’m not even getting paid.”
13. “Thanks for doing this, there aren’t many surgeons out there who would operate on someone without health insurance.”
14. I was being wheeled into emergency abdominal surgery once and my girlfriend was with me. We’re rolling down the hall and they have the mask out to put me under and I pause and say to her “don’t let them touch my dick”.
The nurse smirked a little and they put the mask on me. In somewhat of a panicked fashion, I pulled the mask off, stared up at my girlfriend, and with full weight and seriousness told her “they can look at it, but no touching”. I heard the doctor laughing as the gas kicked in.
15.Here’s my impression of my wife during sex.
Oldies But Goodies
I was a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it’s Africa.
I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children’s-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk …
“I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.”
To which she replied, “No, it’s regular porn, you sick bastard.”
The older we get, there are fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Calculus and Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”
Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again!”
Officer: “Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, SIR!”
“Well,” snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. “I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave.” “Not me, Chief!” the Seaman replied. “Once I get out of the Navy, I’m never going to stand in line again!”
LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
1. An application was for employment.
2. A program was a TV show.
3. A cursor used profanity.
4. A keyboard was a piano!
5. Memory was something that you lost with age.
6. A CD was a bank account.
7. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy you hoped nobody found out!
Through All the Bad Times
The woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”
“What dear?” She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”