Friday Fun Stuff – 5-17-19

George Clooney Against DUMBFUCKERY

First Date Questions Men Really Want To Ask

Rejected Dr. Seuss Books

1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
2. Who Shat in the Hat?
3. Horton Hires a Ho
4. Fox in Detox
5. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo–Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. The Cat in the Blender
11. Are You My Proctologist?
12. Yentl the Lentil
13. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
14. Aunts in My Pants
15. Oh, the Places You’ll Scratch and Sniff!
16. Horton Fakes an Org@sm
17. The Grinch’s Ten Inches

Doctors vs. Gun Owners

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician are 17.1%.
Statistics courtesy U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.

Now think about this:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that’s 80 million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.00188%.
Statistics courtesy FBI.

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, ‘Guns don’t kill people, doctors do.’


Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

[Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!]

Interesting Things To Do In The Drive Through

1. Order confusing items, i.e., “Hi, I’ll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please.”

2. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they’ll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

3. Drive through with a carload of naked people.

4. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

5. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

6. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

7. One word: Flatulence!

8. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

9. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to “check out the babe”.

10. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

Ass “Emoticons”

(_E=3Dmc2_) A smart ass
(_13_) An unlucky ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_!_) A regular “nice” ass
(__!__) A large ass
(!) A tight ass
(_._) A flat ass
(_^_) A bubbly ass
(_*_) A sore ass
(_!__) A lop-sided ass
{_!_} A squishy ass
(_o_) An ass that’s been around
(_O_) And more….
(_x_) Kiss my ass
(_X_) “Get off my ass”
(_zzz_) A tired ass
(_o^o_) A wise ass
(_?_) Dumb ass

Kids Books You’ll Never See…We Hope

“You Were an Accident”
“How to Dress Sexy for Grownups”
“Strangers Have the Best Candy”
“Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her”
“Bi-Curious George”
“The Little Sissy Who Snitched”
“Some Kittens Can Fly!”
“Getting More Chocolate on Your Face”
“Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?”
“Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”
“Where Would You Like to Be Buried?”
“The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North America.
“All Dogs Go to Hell”
“The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking”
“When Mommy and Daddy Don’t Know the Answer They Say God Did It”
“Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia”
“What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?”
“Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver”
“You Are Different and That’s Bad”

Old Fashioned Nursery Rhymes…Sort Of

These are a little different from what I remember

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little b@stard.

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
‘What have you got there?’
Said the pie man unto Simon,
‘Pies, you dumb ass’!!!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings’ horses,
And all the kings’ men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad……..
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

You Might Be A Redneck If…

1. Your family tree does not fork.
2. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
4. You’ve ever lost a loved one in a bass fishing accident.
5. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
6. Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
7. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
8. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
9. You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
10. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
11. Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
12. You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.
13. You think that canned meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre.
14. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
15. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
16. You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you.
17. You own a homemade fur coat.
18. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
19. Your momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
20. You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.

Sports Entrance Exam

(Time Limit: 3 Weeks)

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or

4. What religion is the Pope? (please check only one answer)
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America’s far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners

9. Spell — Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy’s
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chatelier’s Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
Spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math.
If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify*

Foreign Signs

Bad writing or just bad translations, you decide.

1. Sign in a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notice.

2. In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

3. Sign in a Leipzig elevator: “Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.”

4. Sign seen in London department store: “Bargain Basement Upstairs”

5. Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: “Closed for official opening.”

6. Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: “Please leave your values at the front desk.”

7. Sign in a hotel in Athens: “Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.”

8. Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: “The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.”

9. Sign in a Japanese hotel: “You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”

10. Sign in a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: “You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

11. Sign in a Hong Kong supermarket: “For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.”

12. Sign at Canadian fast-food restaurant: “PARKING FOR DRIVE-THRU CUSTOMERS ONLY!”

13. Sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: “Ladies may have a fit upstairs.”

14. Sign in a Rhodes tailor shop: “Order your summer’s suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.”

15. Sign from the Soviet Weekly: “There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.”

16. Sign in an East African newspaper: “A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.”

Twenty Things Guys Learn From Action Movies

1. No matter what my problem is, it’s the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.

2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she’s cold or not from across the room.

3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.

4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won’t he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.

5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supersede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.

6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.

7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.

8. Anyone who isn’t a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.

9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.

10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.

11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a ‘flesh wound,’ which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.

12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.

13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.

14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.

15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.

16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.

17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like ‘Rick,’ or ‘Steve.’

18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, “When’s the last time you got any sleep?” They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.

19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.

20. If everyone in a team dies, it’s the last man’s job to win the fight against his enemy.

If She Would Have Stayed With Him A Little Longer The Jews Would Now Have All The Oil
If She Would Have Stayed With Him A Little Longer The Jews Would Now Have All The Oil
We’ve Gotten So Dumb We Forgot How The Wheel Works
We've Gotten So Dumn We Forgot How The Wheel Works
Mans Evolution Of Thought
Mans Evolution Of Thought
I Don’t Know What You Are But Get The Hell Away From Me!
I Don't Know What You Are But Get The Hell Away From Me!
Ya Hear That MOM!!!
Ya hear That MOM!!!
Do You Really Need A Sign Saying It’s For Men?
Do You Really Need A Sign Saying It's For Men
There’s Nothing Better For A New Mother Then A Pint Of Beer!
There's Nothing Better For A New Mother Then A Pint OF Bear
Sure It Tastes Like Sludge But The Marketing’s Imaginative
Shure It Tastes Like Sludge But The Marketing's Imaginative
It’s Like You Don’t Have To Swim Faster Then The Shark You Just Have To Swim Faster Then The Guy Swimming Next To You
It's Like You Don't Have Tp Swim Faster Then The Shark You Just Have To Swim Faster Then The Guy Swimng Next To You
Pardon Me Office But Did You Forget Something?
Parden Me Office But Did You Forget Something

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