I Don’t Care What This Commercial Is For, It’s Still Funny As Hell!
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without them.
2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks – PRICELESS.
3. Arguing over a girl’s bust size is like choosing between Budweiser, Miller, Guinness and Heinekens. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
4. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
How To Stop Church Gossip
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.
Several members did not approve of her extra- curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing..
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house …. walked home ……and left it there all night.
(You gotta love Frank!)
Some Smart Messages To Put On Your Phone Answering Machine
My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you just as soon as we’re finished.
A is for Academics … B is for Beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. Please leave a message.
Hi. This is John.
If you’re the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you’re my parents, please send me money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money.
If you are a friend, you owe me money.
If you are a female, I have plenty of money.
Leave your message after the beep.
There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly, the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind-milling at incredible speeds. Will he make it in time? Alas, no. His valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message. Hi. Now you say something.
Hi. I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is. So you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
Hello, I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?
Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these little magnets.
Hello, this is Sally’s microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with a tape deck, so I’m stuck with taking her calls. Say… if you want anything cooked while you’re leaving your message, just hold it up to the phone.
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need replacement windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number after the beep and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine. It is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and the number where I can reach you. I’ll think about returning your call.
Hi. I’m probably home. I’m just avoiding talking with someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.
Hi! This is Anna’s disembodied voice, she can’t come to the phone right now, leave a message or try another plane of existance.
Hi. This is George. Sorry I can’t come to the phone right now. Leave your name and number, then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Hello. If you’re a burglar, then we are probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we are probably not at home and it is safe to leave us a message.
You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are becoming very heavy. You feel sleepy now. You are gradually losing your will power and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, telephone number and a brief message.
At the sound of the tone, you may leave a message. You have the right to remain silent. However, anything you say will be recorded and may be used by us.
Hello. You’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t come to the phone right now because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes to do it up and down, and I like doing it left to right … very slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll get back to you!
Why are you calling me, when I am standing behind you?
Chuck had seen it coming for a time now, and Laura finally decided to break up with him.
“I’m sorry Chuck, but you just don’t have a good sense of humor,” Laura said one day, “You’re dry, boring and you never seem to say anything funny.”
Chuck who didn’t feel she was correct in the least, simply smiled and said, “I’m sorry you feel that way, Laura. I’m sure you’ll make some guy very happy some day,” she smiled and blushed a little, “then, he’ll zip up his pants, leave $20 on the dresser, and forget to close the door on his way out.”
For Cat Lovers
• An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
• Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.
• At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.
• Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
• Cat’s Rule #1: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
• Cat’s Rule #2: Bite the hand that won’t feed you fast enough.
• Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
• Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
• Cats aren’t clean, they’re just covered with cat spit.
• Cats don’t hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don’t, so that’s all right.
• Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
• Cats know what we feel. They don’t care, but they know.
• Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.
• Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
• Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
• I had to get rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
• I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.
• In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.
• On the Internet, nobody knows you’re a cat.
• One cat just leads to another.
• People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
• Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.
• There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.
• When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.
• You can always tell a cat, but you can’t tell him much.
Why Denial Is So Important In A Marriage
‘Nice threads, man,’ commented Bob when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. ‘Where’d you pick ‘em up?’ Richard beamed. ‘My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?’ ‘I’ll say. What was the occasion?’ ‘Got me,’ admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. ‘I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom.’
Courses For Women
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game
6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His
8. Valuation: Just Because It’s Not Important to You . . .
9. Communication Skills I: Tears – The Last Resort, Not the First
10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging
12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share
14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
15. Introduction to Parking
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space
17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor
18. Water retention: Fact or Fat
19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption
21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
24. Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To
25. Sex – It’s For Married Couples Too
26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
29. Ballet: For Women Only
30. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
31. Learning to Go in Public Rest rooms
32. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges & Monty Python
33. “Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?” – Why Men Lie
34. TV Remotes: For Men Only
Home Depot Scam
A ‘Heads Up’ for those of us men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.
Here’s how the scam works.
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowes.
You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also January 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
Excuses For Not Going To Work
• I won’t be in today. I’m still drunk from last night.
• I can’t come to work today because the city is paving my street and I can’t get out.
• I am sorry but I will be unable to come in to work today. My agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house) is kicking in and I am afraid to drive today.
• Sorry Boss I can’t come into work today…my spirit guide says work is for losers!
• There has been an urgent family emergency, which I can’t talk about lest I endanger any innocent bystanders.
• I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
• When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.
• My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
• I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
• I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
• If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
• My stigmata’s acting up.
• I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet….
• I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
• Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
• The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.
• The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.
• I prefer to remain an enigma.
• I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly elog (pi) on all the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
• Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Falcons, huh? So I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
• I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work, knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
George Carlin Speaks Out
I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I am George Carlin.
I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you’d better do it in English.
I’m not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.
I believe that it doesn’t take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
I think owning a gun doesn’t make you a killer.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.
I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.
I think that being a student doesn’t give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven’t begun to be enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.
I believe it’s called the Boy Scouts for a reason.
I don’t think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
I don’t use the excuse “it’s for the children” as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
I don’t hate the rich. I don’t pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don’t waste my time arguing about it.
I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?
I’ve never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn’t wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you’re running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don’t want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.
I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.
I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don’t pretend they are a political statement.
I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.
I’m neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I’m a BAD American.
If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know.
We need our country back!