Tide CEO: Soap Isn’t Medicine
Lucille Ball Quotes On Her 100th Birthday
• I don’t do T & A very well because I haven’t got much of either.
• I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done.
• (On meeting Desi Arnaz for the first time): It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.
• How I Love Lucy was born? We decided that instead of divorce lawyers profiting from our mistakes, we’d profit from them.
• Women’s lib?… Oh, I’m afraid it doesn’t interest me one bit. I’ve been so liberated it hurts.
• Desi was the great love of my life. I will miss him until the day I die. But I don’t regret divorcing him.
• The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
• Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead.
• “A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright.”
• (On Bob Hope): You spell Bob Hope C-L-A-S-S.
• (On what labor pains feel like): Grab your bottom lip and try to pull it over your head!
I Bought A New Truck
I bought a new Chevy Avalanche and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn’t get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
‘Nelson,’ the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, ‘Ricky or Willie?’
‘Willie!’ he continued and ‘ On The Road Again’ Came from the speakers.
Then he said, ‘ Ray Charles!’, and in an instant ‘ Georgia On My Mind’ replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I’d say, ‘Beethoven,’
I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said, ‘Beatles,’ I’d get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.
I yelled, ‘Ass Hole!’ Immediately the radio responded with, which one, Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, or President Trump?
Damn I love this truck…
Remarkable Jewish Quotes
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays. – Henny Youngman
The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish. – Jules Farber
Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York, you’re Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyim even if you are Jewish. – Lenny Bruce
The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. – Calvin Trillin
Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil! – Golda Meir
Even a secret agent can’t lie to a Jewish mother. – Peter Malkin
Humility is no substitute for a good personality. – Fran Lebowitz
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. – Benjamin Disraeli
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it. – Sam Levenson
Don’t be humble; you are not that great. – Golda Meir
God will pardon me. It’s His business. – Heinrich Heine
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks. – Joe E. Lewis
Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors. – Sam Goldwyn
A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. – Sam Goldwyn
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something. – Jackie Mason
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. – Woody Allen
Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution? – Groucho Marx
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. – Groucho Marx
A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it. – Oscar Levant
Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair. – George Burns
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they’ve stolen. – Mort Sahl
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. – Milton Berle
I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs. – Sam Goldwyn
Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. – Ernie Kovacs
When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault. – Henry Kissinger
The Simple Truth
Partners help each other undress before $ex.
However after $ex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: in life, no one helps you once you’ve been screwed.
When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her tummy, saying “congrats”.
But, none of them come and touch the man’s penis and say “Good job”.
Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated.
The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where the hell he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven’t lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, ‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years… just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
A Real Man
A real man is a woman’s best friend.
He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels as though she’s the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible……
No wait… sorry… I’m thinking of gin, never mind.
Just Move Already
This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that’s one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
So Why Aren’t You Married Yet?
Quick comebacks to that ever annoying question.
• I already have enough LAUNDRY to do, thank you.
• Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
• It gives my mother something to live for.
• It didn’t seem worth a blood test.
• I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
• What? And spoil my great sex life?
• Nobody would believe me in white.
• Because I just love hearing this question.
• (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
• My co-op board doesn’t allow spouses. (A New York Special)
• I guess it just goes to prove that you can’t trust those voodoo doll rituals.
• I wouldn’t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
Three Old Ladies
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Miami reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece..
The third old lady remarked, ‘I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.
Why Can’t I Own Canadians?
On her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following questions to Dr. Laura are written by a U.S. man, and posted on the Internet.
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination … End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations.
A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians.
Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24.
The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death.
Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.
Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.
How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend).
He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that G-d’s word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan,
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia
P.S. It would be a damn shame if we couldn’t own a Canadian.