Scientifically Accurate ‘My Little Pony’
When Vancouver won the chance to host the 2010 winter Olympics, some people around the word asked the following questions. These questions (and answers) about Canada were actually posted on an international Tourism Website.
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let’s not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What, did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North…oh forget it. Sure the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don’t stink.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget it’s name. It’s a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare it by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
Funniest Parenting Tweets
My TEDTalk this morning was called Get Your Ass Out Of Bed And Get Ready For School Right Now.
Looking forward to volunteering at my son’s school today.
BAHAHAHAHAHAhakjhsakjdhskahd *wipes tear
6yo: “Grownups sip coffee and hate kid things .”
“Wait, when is Mother’s Day?”
-Me, borderline panicked, every Saturday night in April.
4yo: We should name the new baby Woody Woodpecker.
Me: Well, um, that’s very interes-
4yo: Then we could call him Pecker for short.
Pretty sure if the kids would leave me alone I could sleep for a week.
Parenting has taught me to never accidentally phrase a command in the form of a question.
My 8yo just asked me if I’m an adult and I honestly don’t know how to answer her.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Me: Should we bake cookies or brownies?
4yo: Why can’t we do both?
Me: I am so proud of you right now.
Remember with your first child, when you cared if his hair was combed and he had on both shoes? Ha! Ha! That was a huge waste of time.
2-year-old: I don’t want jeans. I want pants.
Me: Jeans are pants.
2-year-old: NO THEY’RE NOT!
I have so much to learn about the world.
Aw, new milestone: The first time you hear your kids say, “guess what a female dog is called…”
When I take my kids to a restaurant, I order the same thing for them every time – more napkins.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about kids, it’s that they’ll eat some pretty crappy pizza.
It gets easier. Like, instead of crying, eventually kids can just talk and tell you “This dinner is gross” or “I don’t like you anymore.”
If parenthood was one of those choose your own adventure books, every ending would likely result in a mess, laundry or losing lots of money.
My kid ate an entire cake last night while I was sleeping so I guess I can cancel that DNA test.
Me: I’m so tired I’m going to sleep like a baby tonight.
3yo: Daddy be careful mommy is going to cry & pee her pants tonight.
“Casual Day” Policy
Memo # 1:
Effective immediately, the Administrator has directed that Fridays will be “Casual Day” so that employees may express their diversity.
Memo # 2:
Perhaps the brief memo issued concerning “Casual Day” in our workplace requires some clarification. Effective immediately our dress code policy will change to “business casual”. Our research efforts have revealed that nine out of ten organizations in the United States have already adopted casual dress policies, and one-third of all government agencies now allow casual clothing every day. It has likewise been established that, when properly administered, the vast majority of organizations employing casual dress as standard business attire have done so with remarkable success. These reasons, among others, have validated my instincts that the time is right for implementing this change.
I hasten to remind all of you that Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Thank you for your co-operation in this matter.
Memo # 3:
Regarding the previous two memos issued by this office concerning the subject of “Casual Day“, I would like to remind some of our personnel that “Casual Day” was intended to refer to one’s dress only, not attitude.
When planning your Fridays’ wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Memo # 4:
Our new policy on “Casual Day” was intended to have all employees project a professional image while taking advantage of more casual and relaxed fashions.
It is therefore incumbent upon each one of us to use a little common sense in the matter of attire to closely mirror those of other organizations that have implemented casual dress.
This is a significant departure from relatively conservative past practices of our company. It is my belief, however, that changes such as these are not only well deserved, but also make for a more relaxed atmosphere.
I want to stress the importance of dressing properly, yet in a casual manner. While not singling out any particular unit, I would think the use of “halter-type tube-tops” and “hot pants” by female personnel may not be considered appropriate by clients visiting our offices.
All personnel shall be governed accordingly.
Memo # 5:
While casual dress offers a welcome alternative to the suits, ties, dress shoes and formality of the typical office, not all casual clothing is appropriate. Items that may be perfect for working in the yard, going on a picnic, engaging in sports or swimming will not be considered suitable office attire.
Regardless of the item, it is essential to avoid wearing anything that is excessively worn, frayed or wrinkled. The chart below lists examples of both appropriate and inappropriate dress. These examples are to be used as dress code guidelines of attire considered inappropriate.
If you have questions with regard to this dress code policy, please contact your office’s “Casual Friday” representative.
• clothing that is too tight, too short or too revealing
• frayed, faded, soiled or torn clothing
• clothing with offensive logos/symbols/messages
• spandex or shorts
• sweatpants, sweatshirts or jogging suits
• any type of halter top
• flip-flops or sandals
Memo # 6:
There are still some employees who appear to be taking undue advantage of our new “Casual Day” policy.
Therefore, it has been decided to conduct an all-day seminar concerning all aspects of this course of action.
Attendance is mandatory for all personnel, and no leave shall be granted.
We have invited representatives from seventeen other workplaces where this policy has been successfully implemented for some time to share the benefit of their experiences with us.
Memo # 7:
As an outgrowth of this past Friday’s seminar, a 74-member “Casual Day Break-Thru Team” has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.
Until their recommendations are submitted and reviewed by the Senior Managers, “Casual Day“, is here-by temporarily suspended.
Memo # 8:
After three months of daily meetings, our “Casual Day Break-Thru Team” has completed a 250-page manual. A draft copy of “Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards” has been distributed to each employee.
Comments may be submitted to: Mr. Bob Smith for the next two weeks. After that time, the Senior Managers will again review all correspondence received and render a final report to the Administrator.
The target date for issuance of the completed Guidelines is prior to the end of the year.
Memo # 9:
Just in time for the Holidays, we are pleased to issue the final version of “Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards”. I will admit its 472 pages is a bit lengthy, but the Senior Managers strongly recommended a thorough booklet be published to include all possible instances of employee abuse.
Please review the chapter “You Are What You Wear” and consult the “home casual” versus “business casual”
We are planning a fashion show, featuring clothing that will showcase outfits considered approved business casual attire. The details are being worked out, and we will be announcing the time and place of the show in the near future.
I hope our change to business casual wear in the new year will make you more comfortable in carrying out your daily work, and that together we will continue to look for ways to make our company a continual innovative leader in our industry.
Memo # 10:
The fashion show of approved business attire is scheduled for New Year’s Eve. With New Year’s Day itself being a State Holiday, it was the feeling of the Senior Managers that we could begin the New Year on January 2 with a renewed emphasis on “Team Spirit”.
Attendance at the fashion show is mandatory and no leave will be approved. All approved leave prior to the issuance of this memorandum is here-by rescinded. A brief seven page checklist will be issued at the show. All personnel are expected to utilize these lists before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDBTT representative before 0700 on Friday.
Memo # 11:
Because of lack of participation, “Casual Day” has been discontinued, effective immediately.
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes
• Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot
• It’s as bad as you think, and they are out to get you
• When there’s a will, I want to be in it!
• It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better
• Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else
• I souport publik edekasion
• We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• Born free…Taxed to death
• Rehab is for quitters
• Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
• If you don’t like the news, go out and make some
• Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it
• Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have
• How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
• Horn broken…watch for finger
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math
• Pray for me. I drive I-95 Daily!
Life’s Demerit System
All men who have been married will attest to some real wisdom in this. In the world of romance, one single rule applies: MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer. (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It’s her pet Schnauzer. (-30)
You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-20)
Tina has breast implants. (-40)
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it’s not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it’s a sports bar. (-2)
And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It’s called ‘Death Cop.’ (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say to her, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-80)
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5)
(Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
You give any other response. (-40)
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)
Lessons That You Can Only Learn From Watching Horror Films
17. When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it’s really dead.
16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
15. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
14. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
13. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several hundred rounds to kill them, so be prepared!
10. If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
9. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off or go it alone.
8. Do not take *anything* from the dead.
7. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
6. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.
5. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
2. If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*
and last but not least…
1. If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away!
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, giving them the rules of campus. “The female dorm will be out-of-bounds for all male students, as will the male dorm for female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 for the first offence, $60 for the second offense, and $180 if you’re caught a third time.”
A male student in the crowd yelled out, “How much for a season pass?”
Things That Are Hard To Say When You’re Drunk
Things that are DIFFICULT to say when you’re drunk….
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you’re drunk…
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you’re drunk…
a) Thanks, but I don’t want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight?
f) I’m not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn’t – no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I’d hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street
“And now the sequence of events in no particular order.”
- Dan Rather, CBS anchor
“She’s got talent and personality. Give me two years and I’ll make her an overnight star.”
- Harry Cohn, Hollywood producer
“Charity is taking an ugly girl to lunch.”
- Warren Beatty
“Some of the facts are true, some are distorted, and some are untrue.”
- a State Department spokesman, commenting on an article in Foreign Policy
“Then you add two forkfuls of cooking oil …”
- directions given on television’s The French Chef
“I feel my best when I’m happy.”
- Winona Ryder
“Some of our friends are for it. Some of our friends are against it. And we’re standing with our friends.”
- Mike McCurry, Clinton White House press secretary
“We have nothing against ideas. We’re against people spreading them.”
- General Augusto Pinochet of Chile
“You should hear her sing. She’s a female Lena Horne.”
- Joe Pasternak, producer
“There has been no exclusion. We have simply excluded all the women.”
- Nicolas Romanoff, descendent of last Czar of Russia Nicholas II
“Hijackers should be given a rapid trial… with due process of law at the airport, then hanged.”
- Edward Davis, Police Chief, Los Angeles
“I am philosophically opposed to any fare increase. That does not mean I will not support one.”
- Joseph Alexander, Fairfax County (Virginia) supervisor
“She’s a wonderful, wonderful person, and we’re looking forward to a happy and wonderful night — uh, life.”
- Ted Kennedy, Massachusetts senator
“You can’t do it that way. You’d spoil the anticlimax.”
- Michael Curtiz, film director, to a writer rewriting a scene
“Life is indeed precious, and I believe the death penalty helps affirm this fact.”
- Edward Koch, former New York City mayor
“Thank you for evoking memories, particularly of days gone by.”
- Mike Ingham, BBC-2 TV announcer
“Every minute was more exciting than the next.”
- actress Linda Evans
The Most Important Discoveries
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.
Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.