Friday Fun Stuff | Bringing You a Laugh at the End of the Week

The Nature Of British Humor – Monty Python 1973

School Subjects Throw A Party

Joan Rivers Had Zero Filter

“I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.”
“A MAN can sleep around, no questions asked. But if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she’s a tramp?’
“My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We’re making love and I took the bag off my head.”
“My vagina is like Newark. Men know it’s there, but they don’t want to visit.”
“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”
“My sex life is so bad, my g-spot has been declared a historical landmark.”
“I was born in 1962… And the room next to me was 1963.”
“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.”
“I wish I had a twin so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.”
“When I was born, my mother asked the doctor, ‘will she live?’ he said, ‘only if you take your foot off her throat’.”
“My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.”
“The women in California, they get scared. A guy flashes you, they go to the police, ‘he’s flashing! He’s flashing!’ in New York, a guy flashes you, you take your embroidery hoop and played ring toss.”
“Lindsay Lohan said she wouldn’t mind being under oath because she thought oath was a Norwegian ski instructor.”
“I was dating a proctologist with a sense of humor. We’d go out for drinks, he’d go, ‘bottoms up”
“I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, ‘marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”‘
“The ONE thing women do not want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”
“Peeping toms look at my window and pull down the shade.”
“My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese: most of it’s missing, what’s there stinks.”
“I spit on education. No MAN is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.”

Microsoft Call Of The Day

I had a lovely phone conversation today with a very polite young Indian chap who said he was calling from Microsoft.

“Hello, madam, how are you today?”

“I’m very well, thank you for asking. And how are you? More importantly… WHO are you?”

“Madam, my name is Gupta, and I am calling from Microsoft.”

“Microsoft, eh? Is that a city somewhere? How’s the weather today — hot, or is it monsoon season? I’ve seen those documentaries, that’s some serious rain!”

“No, madam, the weather is very nice. I am calling from MICROSOFT — the computer company — Mr. Bill Gates’ company. We have found a serious problem with your computer.”

“REALLY? My computer? Well, that’s very worrying.”

“Yes, madam, it could be catastrophic for your files, your passwords, even your internet banking! But don’t worry — I can fix it for you.”

I said, “Well that is worrying… because I don’t actually HAVE a computer.”

Silence.

“You don’t, madam?”

“No, Gupta. No computer.”

“Ahhh, then it must be your laptop.”

“Gupta…”

“Yes, madam?”

“I don’t have one.”

“An iPad?”

“No.”

“A tablet?”

“No.”

Pause…

“Gupta, as a matter of fact, I don’t even have a telephone.”

Long silence.

Then he says, “Madam, now you are lying to me.”

I said, “Well you started it!”

And I hung up.

Aging With A Smile

• Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
• My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
• Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
• I’ve still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
• I’m getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
• It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
• I think I’ve reached my sexpiration date.
• People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.
• These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.”
• I’ve tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven’t made one called “Buns of Putty.”
• Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
• Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.

St. Patrick Was A What?

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One of them said, “I’m going to wind him up.”

He walked over, tapped the Irishman on the shoulder, and said, “I hear St. Patrick was a no-good wife beater.”

The Irishman said, “Oh, really? Didn’t know that.”

The man went back, confused. “I insulted, and he didn’t care!”

The second Englishman said, “You’re doing it wrong. Watch this.” He went over and said, “I hear St. Patrick was a no-good drunk!”

The Irishman replied, “Oh wow, I didn’t know that. Thanks for telling me.”

The Englishman came back shocked. “You’re right, he doesn’t react to anything!”

The third Englishman said, “I’ll get him.” He walked over, tapped the Irishman on the shoulder, and said, “I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!”

The Irishman smiled and said, “Yeah, that’s what your friends were trying to tell me!”

Dog’s Pet Peeve

• When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

• Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose…stop it.

• Blaming your farts on me…not funny…not funny at all.

• Yelling at me for barking… I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!!

• How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

• Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who’s walk is this anyway?

• Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why’d you buy carpet?

• Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet…idiot.

• How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.

• Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.

• Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.

• When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

• Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

• The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

• Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn’t yet solved the visible fence problem!!

That’s So Typical

A man and his wife are in bed, getting hot and heavy, when the wife suddenly pushes him away and says, “No, actually, I don’t feel like sex tonight. Could you just hold me?”

The man, clearly frustrated, says, “What?! Why the hell can’t we have sex?”

The woman replies, “This is so typical! You have no idea what it’s like to be a woman. You just don’t understand me.”

Then she turns over and goes to sleep.

The next day, the man apologizes and says he wants to make it up to her. He tells her they’re going to the mall. He takes her to the clothing department of a very expensive store and encourages her to try on outfits. She can’t decide which one she likes best, so he says, “Just take them all.”

She lights up, jumping up and down, hugging him. Then they head to the jewelry section. She spots a beautiful pair of diamond earrings.

But the husband says, “Nah, the price isn’t right, it’s too low,” and instead gets her a tennis bracelet worth twice as much.

Feeling like she’s had the best shopping day ever, they walk up to the cashier.

The man hands over all the items and says, “We’ve changed our minds. Could you put these back for us?”

His wife stares at him, shocked. “What the hell are you talking about?!”

He smiles and says, “You thought I was going to buy all this? That’s so typical. You have no idea what it’s like to work hard for money. I just wanted you to hold them for a while.”

Say This Instead

Shut your bitch ass up
— Silence thyself, you impudent wench.

What the fuck is wrong with you?
— Art thou utterly bereft of sense?

I don’t give a fuck what a bitch gotta say about me.
— I care not how a harlot forms her lips to speak falsehoods on my name.

Get the fuck outta here
— Retreat thyself from my presence this instant foul creature!

I’m weak!
— frailty befalls me
— Frailty! O frailty!

Who gone check me boo?
— and who, pray tell, shall correct me?

Who said that?
— who proclaimed such things?

Where Are You Going To Use It?

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some “Nair” hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”

Andrea said, “I’m not using it under my arms.”

The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t use body lotion for a couple of days.”

Andrea replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”

The pharmacist says, “Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.

You Know You’ve Turned Into a Mom When…

You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!

You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, “Mom, why don’t you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?”

You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you’ve reached over and started to cut up his steak!

(I know this is out of date but it’s still funny as hell!)

How to Handle the IRS
by Dave Barry

It is time once again for our annual feature “Tax Advice for Humans,” the column that explains our complex federal tax laws to you in simple, everyday terms that have virtually nothing to do with reality. This is the only tax-advice column that has the courage to give you the following written guarantee in writing:
“If, as a result of following the advice in this column, you are for any reason whatsoever confined to a federal prison, we will personally come and live in your house, until your refrigerator is out of beer.”

So let’s get started! Most likely the foremost question in your mind, as you prepare to fill out your federal tax forms, is: “Can I cheat?” A lot of taxpayers are thinking that this is a good year to take advantage of the Internal Revenue Service, because of the way it got hammered in those congressional hearings last September. Remember? One by one, taxpayers went before the Senate Finance Committee and told alarming stories like this:
“I got a letter from the IRS computer stating that I owed taxes back to the year 427 B.C., which seemed like a mistake, plus the letter addressed me as `The Dionne Quintuplets,’ so I went down to the IRS office to straighten things out, and the next thing I knew I was being dangled from a helicopter by one leg.”

When the nation heard these stories, everybody was outraged. The IRS formally apologized to the taxpayers and ordered the dismantling of the agency’s primary guillotine.

So, a lot of people are thinking that this year, while the IRS is under fire, is a good time to “play fast and loose” with their tax returns, and maybe even get revenge for the years of abuse by yanking the IRS’ chain a little bit. One leading tax-preparation firm, which I will not identify here except by its initials, “H” and “R,” has gone so far as to write taunting remarks in the margins of its clients’ tax returns, such as:
“Hey Audit Breath! If you don’t believe I spent a 100 percent deductible total of $224,123 on Pez, perhaps you would like me to complain to the Senate Finance Committee?”

“No I shall not enclose Form 10448275-J! I shall use Form 10448275-K for INTIMATE HYGIENE PURPOSES HAHAHAHA!”

This kind of thing is of course a lot of fun, but we are not recommending it. What many people do not realize is that, after the IRS finished publicly apologizing to the taxpayers who testified against it last September, it quietly tracked them down and relieved them of all of their worldly possessions including corneas.
So we are not recommending that you cheat. You should heed the words of IRS commissioner Charles Rossotti, who, in this year’s Letter to Taxpayers, states:
“Every citizen owes it to the nation to pay his or her fair share of taxes, unless of course he or she has made a whopping cash contribution to a key congressperson or President Bill `Mr. Coffee’ Clinton or Vice President Al `I Honestly Thought That They Were Just A Bunch Of Very Wealthy Buddhist Nuns!’ Gore.”

Here are some questions that you are likely to ask in preparing your tax returns this year:

Q. Did the government change the tax laws again?
A. Ha Ha! That is the stupidest question we have ever heard! Of COURSE the government changed the tax laws! The government had no choice! The government found out that, despite the fact that the U.S. Tax Code is larger than the entire state of Connecticut, there was still one U.S. taxpayer, Norbridge K. Trongle Jr., who was able to correctly prepare his own tax return. The government considered handling this threat to the national security by sending a B-2 “Stealth” bomber to destroy Mr. Trongle’s house and financial records, but the Air Force vetoed this plan because of the risk that the $2 billion plane would be brought down by Mr. Trongle’s lawn sprinkler. So the House and Senate Joint Tax Mutation Committee swung into action and made a number of significant changes to the Tax Code, which you need to know about.

Q. What, specifically, are these changes?
A. Nobody knows.

Q. How many taxpayers will have their total income-tax payments, for the entire year, used to provide food, housing, transportation, medical care, Secret Service protection and chew toys for Buddy, the new White House dog?
A. White House spokes human Mike McCurry says that the “best estimate” is currently “around 300 taxpayers,” but notes that this number could rise significantly “if Buddy is implicated in this Whitewater thing.”

Q. In your opinion, what is the single most common error that I am likely to make, as a taxpayer?
A. In our opinion, that would be having “light” beer in your refrigerator.

I Want This Sign!