Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional
13. No more sunny breakfast nook, now the kitchen is a methamphetamine lab.
12. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
11. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer.
10. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
9. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
8. Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation.
7. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.
6. Your son informs you he doesn’t care to be your cellmate anymore.
5. You have to buy separate Mother’s Day cards for each of Mom’s personalities.
4. Family discussions usually begin with, “Put the gun down.”
3. Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.
2. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.
and the Number 1 Indication Your Family May be Dysfunctional…
1. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.
Finally Some Good News
Dr. Smith asks his patient, “Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?”
The patient replies, “Give me the good news.”
Dr. Smith says, “You’re about to have a disease named after you.”
10 Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is Slow
1. Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code.
2. Graphics arrive via FedEx.
3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection.
4. You post a message to your favorite newsgroup and it displays a week later.
5. Your credit card expires while ordering online.
6. ESPN Web site exhibits “Heisman Trophy Winner”…for 1989.
7. You’re still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, “PacMan”.
8. Everyone you talk to on the ‘net phone’ sounds like Forrest Gump.
9. You receive e-mails with stamps on them.
10. When you click the “Send” button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation.”
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says, “It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
Fun Things To Do In Your Car
1.Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
2.Roll down the windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.
3.At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4.Two words: Chicken Suit
5.Write the words “Help Me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6.Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
7.Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8.Stop at the green lights.
9.Go at the red ones.
10.Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11.Eat food that requires silverware.
12.Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13.Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15.Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16.Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17.Let pedestrians know who’s boss.
18.Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19.Restart your car at every stop light.
20.Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21.Throw burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22.While stopped at at light, urinate out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
23.Paint your car with occult symbols.
24.Keep at least five cats in the car.
25.Have some passengers have wild noisy sex.
26.Cheer for firetrucks. Boo ambulances. Moon police cars.
27.Stop and collect roadkill.
28.Stop and pray to roadkill.
30.Get in the fast lane and gradually … slow … down … to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
Now That Would Be A Cool Funeral
I want a closed casket funeral.
However, towards the end of the service, please have the organist play “Pop goes the weasel” over and over until everyone in attendance is staring at my coffin with silent, horrified anticipation.
1. Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics.
2. You can’t buy happiness….but you CAN lease it.
3. Laughing stock – cattle with a sense of humor.
4. Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
5. Never get into an argument with the schizophrenic person and say, “Who do you think you are?”
6. Remember that mothering is only one letter away from smothering.
7. I went to see my doctor because I had a piece of cereal stuck in my ear. He told me I wasn’t eating right.
8. If our country believes in free speech, why do we have phone bills?
9. My husband just left on a four-day business trip. I am already enjoying his vacation.
10. I hate convertibles. It’s like riding in a car with no top on it.
11. Over Thanksgiving holiday with my family, I frequently asked myself the question, “Is it polite to tell people to go stuff their bird?”
12. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now & we don’t know where the hell she is.
13. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
14. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
15. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
16. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
17. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
18. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
19. I don’t jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
20. The last time I had this much fun, they said I wasn’t going to pull through.
Well You Need To Make Sure
When my three-year-old was told to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, he unexpectedly got nervous.
With a shaking voice, he asked, “Do I have to drink it?”
Signs On Bathroom Walls
Friends don’t let friends take home ugly men
-Women’s restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
Remember, it’s not, “How high are you?” its “Hi, how are you?”
-Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
-Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N. Carolina
A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
-Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, Texas
Express Lane: Five beers or less.
-Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA
You’re too good for him.
-Sign over mirror Women’s room, Ed Debevics, Beverly Hills, CA
No wonder you always go home alone.
-Sign over mirror in Men’s room, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA
The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.
-Women’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL
Beauty is only a light switch away.
-Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
-Armand’s Pizza, Washington, D.C.
What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
-Men’s restroom, Lynagh’s, Lexington, KY
When Grandma Goes To Court
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. approached her and asked,
Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, Why, yes, do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing What else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’
She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, know him.’
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, ‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’