Watching A Real-life Soap Opera
The Zodiacs When Drunk
CAPRICORN: Trying to keep it together until they vomit and get kicked out
AQUARIUS: No one knows what they’re laughing at
PISCES: Most likely to black out
ARIES: Wakes up with bruises
TAURUS: Left the bar early to go get food
GEMINI: Has heart to heart with someone they just met
CANCER: Initiating shots…crying somewhere 2 hrs later
LEO: Flirting with everyone and posting way too many Instagram stories
VIRGO: Never drunk enough, would rather be at home
LIBRA: Disappears to go hook up with someone
SCORPIO: Either plastered drunk or completely sober. Makes it their mission to get laid
SAGITTARIUS: Never wants the night to end. “After party?!”
A Woman Goes to a Psychic
A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic’s eyelids begin fluttering and she begins moaning. Eventually, a voice comes, saying, “Granddaughter? Are you there?”
The granddaughter, wide-eyed responds, “Grandma? Is that you?”
“Yes granddaughter, it’s me.”
“It’s really you, Grandma?” the woman repeats.
“Yes, it’s really me, granddaughter.”
The woman pauses a moment, “Grandma, I have just one question for you.”
“Anything, my child.”
“When did you learn to speak English?”
These People Are Geniuses
Starting a new job? No matter what the reality is you now have four, alive grandparents.
This old lady came to the bank I work at to withdraw $10. I told her that for withdraws less than $100 she has to use the atm. so she asked to withdraw $1000 in $10 bills. It sucked but I counted it out and handed her the money. She took $10, gave me $990 and said, “deposit this”.
Is somebody you don’t want to speak with calling you?
Answer, but let them know your phone’s battery is low and could die any minute.
You can end the call anytime without appearing like a jerk.
Not eating all day so that u can get drunk off 2 beers. It’s called financial health look it up idiot
Want free samples from Costco without paying for the membership?
Buy the membership, cancel it over the phone (they give 100% refund), keep the card. Flash it every time you go into a Costco, nobody will check to see if it’s inactive.”
I once worked with someone who told customers “Sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
If your charger breaks, go to a cafe and saying you left yours and seeing if they have one.
My sister just told me she’s been adding words onto the end of essay paragraphs then changing the text color to white to up the word count.
Best thing I ever did at work was bring poop shoes.
Shoes you put on to take shit with so people don’t know it’s you while in the stall.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a photo of it.
You’ll have this ready to send people the next time your late to something.
Couldn’t get a taxi home last night so I went to a kebab shop and ordered a delivery to my address and got in with delivery driver, I’m a genius.
My dad sneaks his remote into the local bar so he can change the channel when he doesn’t like what they have on.
If you are feeling lazy just know that my mom just asked my sister to vacuum her room, but she YouTubed a vacuum sound and laid in bed instead.
Match.com is for rookies…jump on marketplace and search for wedding dresses…it will present you with a list of recently divorced females in your area….and you can filter by dress size.
Tip for newlyweds: send a wedding invite to every billionaire whose address you can find because it’s a 50/50 chance their assistants just send you a perfunctory gift without ever wondering who the hell you are.
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public, I won’t have to talk to them.
A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
So, he asks the man his name.
“Fred” he replies.
“Fred what?” the officer asks.
“Just Fred” the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it.
“Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?”
The man replies… “It’s a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.
I got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I’m just Fred.”
The officer let him go without even a warning.
Total BS Breakup Lines
“You deserve better.”
“I deserve better.”
“We’re too alike.”
“You bore me.”
“You Just don’t get me.”
“I just don’t want you.”
“I’m not ready for the real thing.”
“This isn’t the real thing.”
“I love you like a friend”
“You don’t really tum me on.”
“I need space.”
“I want to get far, far away from you.”
“I need to focus on my career.”
“I’m crushing on a coworker.”
“I wish it could have worked out between us.”
“I wish I didn’t have to have this conversation.”
“I don’t want to hold you back.”
“You’re a drag.”
“We’re just at different points in our
“Your beneath me”
“My feelings for you are so intense, they scare
“My feelings for you are totally
Southern Hospitality In Flight
Two ladies, a Yankee and a Southern Belle, are sitting next to each other on a plane. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, “So, where y’all from?”
The Yankee replies, “I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition.”
Without missing a beat, the Southern Belle bats her lashes and asks, “So, where y’all from, bitch?”
What Is The Worst Thing To Say In An Elevator Full Of People?
• Who farted?
• Are we are over the weight limit?
• Uh oh!
• My diarrhea is so bad. I don’t know if I’m gonna make it to my floor!
• So… who’s horny?
• THEY STRAPPED A BOMB TO MY CHEST! PLEASE, YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!
• In 3….2….1… damn, it didn’t go off.
• I have such bad luck in these things.
• At last, we are finally alone.
• Don’t worry – they told me it’s not that contagious anymore.
• Oh god that burrito is not sitting right.
• Silently fart and then ask: “Do you smell popcorn?”
• Before we get started, does anyone want to get out?
• Daddy, why don’t you love me?
• When it opens, hold your breath and run to the right until you’re clear of the gas!
• Did anyone else feel that?
• Wanna have sex?
• I think this is the same car that got stuck the other day.
• You know if the cable snaps and this thing falls that whole jump at the last minute won’t work. You’d be dead. Like, super dead. Flat dead
• “Oh, fuck it’s happening again.” Then start yodeling.
• If the elevator makes any weird sounds while we’re all in it. I’m not dying a butt virgin.
• I am legally required to inform you that I am a sex offender.
• Can I talk to you about the Church of Scientology?
• How’s it going with that rash?
• Well, this orgy sure is off to a slow start.
• Answer your phone and say, “Hey, did you take care of it?” Then irritated say, “I told you already!! He was dead when I got there.” Listen for a second. “Just remove his clothes, take his fucking wallet, and put him in the dumpster behind the building already.” Listen again, “Love you too mom, be careful.”
Who Says Life Is Hard
Stop complaining — Being an adult is easy: pay your bills, don’t smoke meth, keep a few close friends, wear deodorant, and tip your bartender.
So don’t blame me if you’re offended, I did worn you.
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
The wife’s back on the warpath again. She was up for making a se x movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next sh!t could spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fu(k it, soldier on!”
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her, “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you b@stard!”
“Oh,” I replied, “so now you want me to stay!”
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
I’ve just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she’s moving during se x.
A real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She Will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible…
No wait…Sorry. I’m thinking of scotch. scotch that does all that.