Friday Fun Stuff | Bringing You a Laugh at the End of the Week

Friday Fun Stuff – 10-25-24

Grown Up Halloween – The Simpsons

Eric Meets Ariel’s Dad – Studio C

Confucius Said All That?

Confucius say:
It’s ok to let a fool kiss you,
but don’t let a kiss fool you.

Confucius say:
A kiss is just shopping upstairs
for downstairs merchandise.

Confucius say:
It is better to lose a lover
than love a loser.

Confucius say:
Man with a broken condom
is called a daddy.

Confucius say:
Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax,
doesn’t know if he’s coming or going.

Confucius say:
A drunken man’s words
are a sober man’s thoughts.

Confucius say:
Marriage is like a bank account.
You put it in, you take it out,
and you lose interest.

Confucius say:
Viagra is like Disneyland…
a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

Confucius say:
It is much better to want the mate you do not have
than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius say:
A joke is like sex.
Neither is any good if you don’t get it.

He Followed The Rules

Boss: (Shouting) Little Johnny, come to my office right now.
Little Johnny: Yes, sir!
Boss: Little Johnny, I saw you arguing with the customer that just left. I have told you before that the customer is always right. Do you understand me?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir! The customer is always right.
Boss: So what were you arguing about with that customer?
Little Johnny: He said my boss is stupid and an idiot, sir!
Boss: That foolish man. What did you say to him?
Little Johnny: I told him he’s right.

Examples Of Unclear Writing

(Sentences taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in Application for Support.)

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

2. I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?

3. Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why.

5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

6. This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it.

7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can’t eat or drink until he knows.

8. I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

9. In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.

10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see.

11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven’t had any relief since.

12. Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

13. You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference.

14. I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

15. In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

16. I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn’t do me any good. If things don’t improve I will have to send for another
doctor.

17. Bill Smith worked for us for six months and when he left we were happy, we hope this help his character.

How Did You Get An F In Math?

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, ”I got an F in math today.”
His father replies, ”What happened?”
The boy says, ”Well, my teacher asked me, ‘What’s 3 times 2’, and I said 6.’”
The father replies, ”Well, that’s correct.”
The boy says, ”I know. Then she asked me, ‘What’s 2 times 3.’”
The father then replies, ”What the fuck is the difference?”
The boys says, ”That’s what I said!”

Funny Comebacks

No one cares….About you I Know
Get a life……Like yours Na I’ll pass
Rolles eyes……Are you looking for a brain? Trust me your wasting your time
What are you looking at?….A Mistake
Did I ask?…..You didn’t have to
Ugly………..Excuse me I am not your mirror
Your are poor……..What do I look like? Kim Kardashian
You are mean……….What do look a five year old?
Your life is sad……..Yeh, cause your in it
What is the time?……..Its the time for you to shut up
Did I miss something?……….Yeah, the door out of my life
Saying something…………Ewwww it spoke
I’m much better than you……Abracadabra, nope I’m still better
AWWWWW is little baby gonna cwy……..Yea probably because your breath smells like onions

It Would Cost As Much As A Car And Everyone Would Still Buy It

Just once I would like to read a medication label that says:

“May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles and increase energy.”

New Bumper Stickers

• I’m compensating for my enormous penis
• I’ve got a perfect body, but it’s in the trunk and beginning to smell
• It’s a jeep, if I wanted a hummer, I’d call your sister
• Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re in asshole
• The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist
• I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead
• I believe in a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
• Marriage is grand, divorce is 100 grand
• Sorry I missed church; I’ve been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.
• If money is the root of all evil, why do churches beg for it?
• Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup
• Lost your cat? Try looking under my tires
• If you can read this, I’m not impressed, most people can read
• Don’t touch me! I’m not that kind of car
• Don’t believe everything you think
• I’m having an out-of-money experience
• What if the whole world farted at once?
• Don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it
• I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there, and I don’t want to see you there every day!
• Stupidity isn’t a “Handicap”, park somewhere else
• Isn’t there a nice quiet place where you could go fu(k yourself?
• Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers
• Watch out for the idiot behind me
• Preserve wildlife, pickle a squirrel
• Want to see god? Keep texting while you drive.

Someone Watches Too Much Zombie Shows

How’s everyone holding up?

It’s crazy out there!

I’ve killed 15 zombies so far!

Why the fuck are they all carrying candy?

Stupid People Stories

WHERE CAN I GET A JOB LIKE THAT?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.

Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.

WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.

SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN’T PAY!
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month – a short in the homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system. “This is even worse than last year,” said the distraught homeowner, “when someone broke in and stole my new security system…”

THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwiky Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

DO-IT-YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY??
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot”, the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

OUCH, THAT SMARTS!!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. “He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants,” said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man’s charred trousers in custody.

ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No, you idiot!” the man shouted, “This is her husband!”

NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

The Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (l will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and The lager.
Forever and ever,
Barmen