Mr. Science: Johnny LaRue Needs Some Coffee (John Candy) – SCTV
Perfect One-Pot, Six-Pan, 10-Wok, 25-Baking Sheet Dinner
Steve Martin
“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”
“Some people have a way with words, and other people…Oh, uh, not have way.”
“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.”
“I’ve had more women than most people have noses.”
“Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.”
“I saw the movie, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’ and was surprised because 1 didn’t see any tigers or dragons. And then 1 realized why: they’re crouching and hidden.”
“I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.”
“You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.”
“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”
“We’ve had some fun tonight…Considering we’re all going to die someday.”
“I gave my cat a bath the other day…He loved. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that…”
“Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.”
“All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest days work.”
“I love money. I love everything about it. I’ve bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks, got a fur sink. Let’s see, bought an electric dog polisher, a gasoline-powered turtleneck sweater, and, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.”
A Little Girl Who Refuses To Go Along With The Crowd
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American
She shares the joys of being a part of the greatest country in the world and asks her students to raise their hands if they are or want to be American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
“Because I am not an American.” says Kristen
“Then”, asks the teacher, “What are you?”
“I’m a proud Canadian,” boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
“Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian too.”
The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”
A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Kristen, “I’d be an American.”
Amazing New Inventions
• The water-proof towel
• Glow in the dark sunglasses
• Solar powered flashlights
• Submarine screen doors
• A book on how to read
• Inflatable dart boards
• A dictionary index
• Powdered water
• Pedal powered wheel chairs
• Water proof tea bags
• Watermelon seed sorter
• Zero proof alcohol
• Reusable ice cubes
• See through toilet tissue
• Skinless bananas
• Do it yourself roadmap
• Helicopter ejector seat
Kinds Of Bras
Jerry walks into the lingerie department at Macy’s and tells the sales associate, “I would like a Southern Baptist bra for my wife, size 34B.”
With a puzzled look, the associate asks, “What kind of bra?”
He repeats, “A Southern Baptist bra. My wife said to tell you she wanted a Southern Baptist bra and that you’d know what she meant.”
“Oh, yes, now I understand,” says the sales associate. “We don’t get as many requests for those as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.”
Confused and a bit flustered, Jerry asks, “So, what are the differences?”
The associate responds, “It’s really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra lifts the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.”
He ponders that for a moment and says, “Hmm. I know I’ll regret asking, but what does the Southern Baptist bra do?”
“Ah,” she replies, “the Southern Baptist bra makes mountains out of molehills.”
Baddie Comebacks!
You’re so ugly
Umm….I have a question when did I become your twin?
You smell
Oh really? Well i guess you don’t know the smell of success
Oh are you about to cry, cry baby
*Fake cough* Yes because you breath smells like onions
*Rolls Eyes*
Keep rolling then maybe you’ll find a brain back there or maybe its to small to see it
Your stupid
Oh thank you I was trying to act like you
Your name is stupid
Well then why does it keep coming out of your mouth
You’re ugly
And your pretty, there now we both lied
I hate you
Well, that’s unusual cause my middle figure seems to like you
Everyone is laughing at you
And everyone cheers when you leave the room
Get a life
Like yours? Nah I’ll pass!
Your gay
Honey I am straighter than your teeth
Your forehead is huge
No wonder I’m so smart!
Lion Tamer
“Two unemployed guys are talking:
One says. “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”
The other replies. “That’s crazy, you don’t know nothing about no lion taming.”
“Yes I do!”
“Well, Okay, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?”
“I’ll take that big chair they all carry, and I’ll stick it in his face until he backs down.”
“Well, what if the lion takes that big paw and hooks the chair with them big claws and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?”
“I’ll take that whip they all carry and I’ll whip him and whip him until he backs down.”
“Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?”
“I’ll take that gun they all carry and shoot him.”
“Well, what if that gun doesn’t work? What will you do then?”
“I’ll pick up some of the sh*t that’s on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes and I run out of the cage.”
“Well, what if there ain’t no sh*t in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?”
“You ain’t thinking none to clear, cause if that lion comes at me and he throws the chair out of the cage and he bites the whip in two and my gun don’t work, there’s going to be some sh*t on the bottom of that cage. You can bet on that!”
Famous Quotes From Women
• I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde. – Dolly Parton
• You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. – Erica Jong
• I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job. – Roseanne
• I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. – Susie Loucks
• This guy says, “I’m perfect for you, ’cause I’m a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man.” I said, “Oh, a gay trucker?” – Judy Tenuta
• I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. – Wendy Liebman
• Never lend your car to anyone whom you have given birth to. – Erma Bombeck
• I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can’t. So I grew hair under my arms instead. – Sue Kolinsky
• I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it’s because the water is cold in there. And I’m like: How did my mother know THAT? – Wendy Liebman
• I think – therefore I’m single. – Lizz Winstead
• Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr
• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. – Elayne Boosler
• Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. – Bella Abzug
• In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. – Margaret Thatcher
• If I were going to convert to any religion, I would probably choose Catholicism, because it, at least, has female saints, and the Virgin Mary. – Margaret Atwood
• I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. – Gloria Steinem
• Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. – Gloria Steinem
• Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door, and just visit now and then. – Katharine Hepburn
• I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at home, which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog, which growls every morning, a parrot, which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night. – Marie Corelli
• Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. – Baroness Edith Summerskill
• If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? – Linda Ellerbee
• I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
I Didn’t Know Cat’s Stuttered
A teacher is explaining biology to her third grade students. She says, “Human beings are the only creatures that stutter.”
A little girl raises her hand, saying, once had a kitty cat that stuttered.”
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well,” she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty, and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew It, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”
The teacher exclaimed, “That must’ve been scary!”
The little girl said, “It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went ‘Sssss Sssss, Sssss And before she could say ‘Shit,’ the Rottweiler ate her!”
The teacher had to leave the room.
Instructions For Giving Your Cat A Pill
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
9. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
12. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
14. Arrange for vet to make a house call.
Old Cinderella
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”
The Fairy Godmother replied, “Well, Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella is overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish:
“I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.
Cinderella said, “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!”
The Fairy Godmother replied, “It’s the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?”
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again.” At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke. “You have one more wish, what will you have?”
Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, “I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man.”
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke. “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life!” And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young, muscular arms.
He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, “I bet you regret having me neutered”.
| Finally, I Sign I Really Need |
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| You Should Really Mark Those |
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| So Much For The Good Old Days |
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THAT’S THE ONE I NEED! BECAUSE OF THE DOG . . . RIGHT? |
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| I Don’t Know This Child, She’s Not Mine |
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| Well At Least Your Not Constipated Anymore |
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| Buy Them What They Really Want |
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| Buzz Did Not Survive Skynet’s Initial Attack |
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| I Can Believe It |
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| And I Thought Movie Ratings Were Weird |
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