Friday Fun Stuff | Bringing You a Laugh at the End of the Week

How to Un-DEI Your Workplace: An HR Training Video

Waiters Who Are Nauseated By Food

A Truly Unique Individual

NAME: David Berkowitz
AGE: 109

HOBBIES:
Collecting teeth from a live tiger.
Catching bullets with bare hands.
Assassination.
Jogging up and down Mount Everest.
Collecting rock particles from the moon.

MY RECORD:
Fought an elephant and broke its neck.
Skinned a crocodile alive.
Played Russian roulette with a fully loaded clip and survived.
Killed Superman.
Held my breath underwater for 2 months, 3 weeks, 6 hours, 51 minutes, and 45 seconds.
Assassinated Adolf Hitler, John F. Kennedy, Tupac, and B.I.G. (The list is too long.)

GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS:
Surfed on hot lava while the volcano was erupting.
Outran a cheetah.
Fluent in 11,798 languages.
Killed the Twitter bird.
First man to land on the sun.
Carried the Pyramid of Giza for two days straight.

SILLY THINGS DONE:
Surfing on a tsunami and Hurricane Katrina.
Snowboarding on Mount Everest.
Skydiving from outer space.

EMBARRASSING MOMENT:
Tried to kill 100 bears with one punch.
Only 99 died instantly—the last one joined the circus.

PROUDEST MOMENTS:
When a cobra died after biting me.
When I saved the planet by diverting an asteroid with just one kick.

SOMETHING ABOUT ME:
I really don’t like to brag…

Asian Who’s On First

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes, I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller: I am Sam Wan, and I need to talk to Annie Wan. It’s urgent!
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to speak to anyone, but what is the urgent matter?
Caller: Please tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and is being taken to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on the way there.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was taken to the hospital, then it’s not urgent! You may find this funny, but I don’t have time for this.
Caller: You are very rude! Who are you?
Operator: I’m Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name.
Operator: That’s what I said I am Saw Ree.
Caller: Oh, God!

As Time Goes By – A Brief History Lesson

3050 B.C. – A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.

525 B.C. – The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don’t try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the women’s shot put.

214 B.C. – Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn’t keep the neighbor’s dog out.

1 B.C. – Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.

1297- The world’s first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or GE.

1456 – An English judge reviews Joan of Arc’s case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.

1607 – The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as “John Smith”.

1755 – Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.

1770 – The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, 3 shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Sat. Night.

1805 – Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.

1807 – Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.

1865 – Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee’s surrender.

1912 – People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.

1934 – As if the Great Depression weren’t giving business enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.

Gee I Wonder What They Were Really Calling About

Had a phone call yesterday with a very polite young lady from “somewhere far, far away.”
Here’s how it went:

“Good afternoon, madam, how are you today?”

“I’m very well, thanks for asking. How are you and -more importantly – who are you?”

“Madam my name is Priya, and I’m calling you from Tech Solutions International.”

“‘Micro Softich? Is that a town in… Romania?”

“No, sir — MicroSoftich, the computer company. I’m calling to tell you we have found a problem with your computer.”

“Well, that is concerning.”

“Yes, madam, it could be very serious, but thankfully I can fix it for you.”

“No, I mean it’s concerning because… I don’t HAVE a computer.”

“You… don’t?”

“Nope.”

“Ahh, then it must be an issue with your laptop, sir.”

“I don’t have one.”

“iPad?”

“Nope.”

“Tablet?”

“I have none of those things. In fact… I don’t even own a telephone.”

Long pause…

“Madam… now you are lying to me!”

I said, “Well, you freakin’ started it!!”

ER RULES

(Unspoken, Universally Known)

We complain about the ER.
No one else is allowed to. Especially ICU.
If you sit down, chaos will sense it.
Chairs are decorative. The ER knows when you relax.
Never say “It’s been a quiet shift.”
This summons ambulances. Immediately.
Doctors buying food = Brace for impact.
Something awful is coming, but at least we’re fed.
Family members are either saints or obstacles.
There is no middle ground.
If EMS says “We’re 5 minutes out,”
They’re already backing in. Still love them.
The sickest patient won’t complain.
That’s how you know.
You will emotionally attach to your favorite coworker on shift.
Trauma bond is real.
Dark humor is self-care.
If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. A lot.
ER nurses don’t walk.
We power-stride. With purpose.
Clock-out time is a suggestion.
The ER decides when you leave.

Hey, She Started It

A teenager comes downstairs to go on a date with a see-through blouse and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to go out like that!

The teenager tells her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!” And out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.

The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

The grandmother says, “Loosen up sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

Middle Age Is Just Walking Around All Day Muttering Things Like…

“What was I going to say?”
‘What did I come in here for?’
“Did I already take my pill?
“How did I get this bruise?”
“Why am I sore?”
“Where did I leave my phone?”
“Who moved my water glass?”
“Did the dryer shrink these pants?”
“That’s it. Diet starts tomorrow.”
“$2.99 a pound for apples? The nerve.”
“I could’ve sworn that was my password.”
“Who in the world is calling me at 9:00pm?”

Talk About A Bad Day

A man arrived home to find his wife sobbing.

“What’s wrong, darling?” he asked.

Through tears she said, “The chemist, he insulted me on the phone this morning! I had to call several times before he even answered.”

The husband stormed down to the pharmacy, ready to demand an apology.

Before he could get more than a word out, the chemist said, “Now hold on – let me tell you my side of the story.”

“This morning, my alarm didn’t go off. I woke up late, skipped breakfast, and rushed out the door only to realize I’d locked both my house and car keys inside.”

“I had to break a window to get them. Then I sped off and got a ticket. Three streets from the shop, I got a flat tire.”

“When I finally arrived at the shop, customers were already impatiently waiting. I opened up, started serving, and the phone would NOT stop ringing. Ring, ring, ring, ring”

“Then I broke open a bag of pound coins for change — they went everywhere. I’m on my hands and knees picking them up, the phone still ringing.”

“I stood up, smashed my head on the cash drawer, staggered back into a shelf of expensive perfume, and half of it shattered on the floor.”

“Still, the phone keeps ringing. I finally answer it.”

“It was your wife.”

“She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.”

“And believe me, mate, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her how to use it.”

Savage Replies To Insults

1. “You’re not that smart.”
“True, but I’m smart enough not to argue with fools.”
2. “You look tired.”
“Yeah, carrying the weight of other people’s stupidity is exhausting.”
3. “Nobody likes you.”
“Good, I didn’t come here to audition for friends.”
4. “You’re so full of yourself.”
“Better than being empty like you.”
5. “You think you’re better than us.”
“Not really, but thanks for noticing”
6. “You’ve changed.”
“That’s the point, staying the same is your problem, not mine.”
7. “You’re too quiet.”
“Silence is better than saying things I’ll regret like you do.”
8. “You’re such a loser.”
“And yet I still wouldn’t trade lives with you.”
9. “You act like you don’t care.”
“Correct, because I really don’t.”

You Just Figured That Out?

I’ve come to the conclusion that the sole purpose of homework is to condition children into accepting that unpaid overtime and ridiculous hours and not even being able to escape work even in your own home are a normal things to expect in their future.

I Don’t Think That’s What They Meant