If Fast Food Commercials Were Honest
Funny Bumper Stickers
• Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
• WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
• BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
• So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
• Out of my mind…Back in five minutes.
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
An Engineer Dies But Lands In Hell
He’s talking with Satan & says, “What a terrible place! It’s very hot, dark, smoky”
Satan says, “Well, what did you expect? this IS Hell!”
The engineer says “Do you have a compressor, some tubing, and wire?
Satan says, “Yeah, we might have some of that stuff around, I’ll check and see what I can find for you.”
Satan finds the stuff & the engineer starts designing improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, good lighting, flush toilets & escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular!
One day God calls and tells Satan, “Say, we had a mix-up. I was checking records & discovered that by error an engineer got sent down to you. He should have come to Heaven. All engineers go to Heaven. You need to transfer him up here.”
Satan says, “Why, things are going great. We’ve now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets, great lighting, and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next. We like him! We’re going to keep him.”
God is horrified. “That’s clearly a mistake! He should never have gone down there in the first place! Send him up here immediately!”
Satan says, “No way! I really like having an engineer on the staff. I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue you!”
Satan laughs, “Yeah, right, Good luck on that. n where do you expect to find a Lawyer?!”
I’ve Learned That:
You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes…After that, you’d better have lots of money
Money cannot buy happiness…It can let you look in better places though
You shouldn’t compare yourself to others…They are more messed-up than you think
Heavy smokers should save their cigarette filters…They make excellent insulation for one’s attic
You should always leave loved ones with loving words…You may need to borrow money
Either you control your attitude…Or you will be put on medication
Your family won’t always be there for you…Unless, of course, you win the lottery
No matter how you try to guide your children…They may eventually get arrested and appear in the newspaper
You cannot make someone love you…All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in
You can avoid high blood pressure by cutting yourself…Bleed for a while & reduce the pressure in your veins
Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of the microwave…It’ll show you if microwaves are leaking if the bar melts
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock…Will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
You should Love your neighbor…Just make sure her husband isn’t home first
If it weren’t for humor…We might never get at the truth
You should never get in a fight with an ugly guy…He has nothing to lose
If at first you don’t succeed…You’ll get lots of advice
How Else Would People Know She Was On Her Way
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire truck,” the firefighter said
“Thanks,” the Girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her doe’s collar & to the cat’s testicles.
“Little partner,” the firefighter said “l don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar. think you could go faster.”
The little girl replied thoughtfully, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”
Just Some Weird Stuff
MOVIE IDEA: Jason Voorhees kills a guy, who it turns out is an actual goalie. His team sees Jason, assumes HES their team-mate, Jason has a new career. Jason turns out to be really good, so his team starts hiding all the murders he’s committing.
FRIDAY THE 13TH: JASON ON ICE
If you put “based on a true story” at the top of your resume, you can basically write whatever you want.
My son was SO cute today, he asked me ‘dad are clouds candy?”
I told him they were water.
Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what iS the defense system father”
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
911 Operator: look at your surroundings, can tell me where you
Waldo: nice try!
I always carry a rock in my pocket, just in case someone ever tries to attack me with a pair of scissors
Me: I have nothing to prove here!
Judge: Actually, you do.
Fajitas are just tacos that’ve gotten their shit together…
Wife: I just saw our daughter lining up her dolls to take turns in being burnt over a fire, do you know why she would do that?
Me: [nodding] Barbie queue
Me to my fiancé the night before our wedding: “we still on for tomorrow?”
Sometimes when a movie is too scary, I have to remind myself they are all just theater kids
As a mortician, I always tie the shoelaces together of the dead.
Cause if there is ever a zombie apocalypse, it will be hilarious.
Daughter’s text to Dad:
Daddy, I’m coming home to get married soon, so get tour checkbook ready. LOL! As you now, I’m in Australia and he’s in the US. We met on a dating site, became friends on Facebook, and had long chats on Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype and now we’ve had a 2 month relationship through Viber. Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding. Lots of love, Lilly.
My dear Lilly, Like Wow! Really? Cool! I suggest you two get Whatever… married on Twitter, have fun on Tango,
register for your stuff on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal. And when you get fed u with this new husband, sell him on E a Lots of love Dad
TRAFFIC LIGHT — apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
DIVORCE — postgraduate in School of Love.
PIONEER — early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
PEOPLE — some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what’s happened.
SWIMMING POOL — a mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL — the ability to eat only one peanut.
SALESMAN — man with ability to convince wife she’d look fat in mink.
EGOCENTRIC — a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
FOREIGN FILM — any movie shown in a Texas theater that isn’t a western.
OPTIMIST — girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
MAGAZINE — bunch of printed pages that tell you what’s coming in the next issue.
COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver.
OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
BUFFET: A French word that means “Get up and get it yourself.”
BABY-SITTER: A teenager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teenagers.
TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
She Didn’t Realize Tapping Him On The Shoulder Would Make Him Do This…Wow.
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport, leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, “Are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, “I didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.”
The driver replied, “No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years.”
Ridiculous Bucket Lists
• Before I die, I want to treat myself with a face mask made out of Chick-fil-A sauce.
• Crash a total stranger’s wedding, then stand up and object at the ceremony.
• I’ve always wanted to literally dropkick someone, just because.
• I want to sleep in a coffin for a night.
• I’m dying to run into a store frantically screaming, ‘WHAT YEAR IS IT?!’
• Have sex in a church confessional booth.
• I want to eat a tarantula from the Amazon rain forest. Like, actually travel to Brazil, find a tarantula, roast it over the fire like a marshmallow, and eat it.
• I really want to punch someone in the face for no reason.
• Do a bungee jump while wearing a clown suit and honk my horn when I get to the bottom.
• I really want to play a dead body on a crime drama, preferably NCIS.
• I want to put orange cones on a random street and control traffic for a day.
• Train a dog to react to Harry Potter spells.
• Hire two private investigators and get them to follow each other.
• I really want to see a ghost.
• To one day fill one of those squirt bottles of mayo with vanilla pudding, go to a public place, and start squirting huge amounts into my mouth to see how people react.
• I want to be bitten by a shark. Not to die, but just to have a cool scar!
• I want to go to another country where I don’t know the language and stand in the middle of town unable to understand what anyone is saying.
• To be inside the Snoopy costume at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
• Squish a watermelon with my thighs.
• I want to hug a full-sized grizzly bear. They look so soft and cuddly! But that’ll have to be the final item on my bucket list… because it’s probably the last thing I’ll ever do.
The Theory Of Intelligence
‘Well, you see it’s like this…A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo; and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.