Brutally Honest Parent-Teacher Meeting
Good Comebacks
Man: “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman: “Perhaps. I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.”
Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”
Man: “Is this seat empty?”
Woman: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”
Man: “So, wanna go back to my place?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”
Man: “Your place or mine?”
Woman: “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”
Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”
Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”
Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.”
Man: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”
Woman: “Do not Enter”
Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman: “Unfertilized!”
Man: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
Woman: “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”
Man: “I know how to please a woman.”
Woman: “Then please leave me alone.”
Man: “I want to give myself to you.”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”
Man: “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy:
Woman: “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing”.
Man: “Your body is like a temple.”
Woman: “Sorry, there are no services today.”
Man: “I’d go through anything for you.”
Woman: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”
Man: “I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: “Yes, but would you stay there?
Black Friday
Black Friday: A day Americans are willing to kill over materialistic things just a day after celebrating what they’re already thankful for.
I’ll be observing Black Friday in my conventional way…. by totally overlooking it.
I miss the good old days when Black Friday was actually on Friday.
Shoppers on Black Friday will block and tackle better than your football team on Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving to someone I’d have no problem stomping to death on Black Friday.
Hope you enjoyed Black-and-Blue Friday at Wal-Mart.
Let’s get our mind off America’s debt crisis by maxing out our credit cards on a reckless shopping binge.
I actually enjoy black Friday. It’s the one day I know exactly where all the nut jobs are and how to avoid them!
My condolences to anyone who has to work at a retail store on Thanksgiving,…or any other day of the year.
Black Friday, may the odds be forever in your favor.
Brace yourselves, the black Friday trampling videos are coming.
I hope your Black Friday injuries aren’t so severe that you can’t click a mouse on Cyber Monday.
I like Black Friday and Cyber Monday. It’s back-To-Work-So-I-Can-Pay-For-It-Tuesday that always get me down.
My version of Black Friday is deleting all the people in my phone who sent me a ‘mass Thanksgiving text.’
Let’s spend Thanksgiving spilling food on our clothes, and Black Friday buying new ones.
Black Friday is a scam. You should be mad they overcharge you 364 days a year.
Make sure the clothes you got on Black Friday take into account how fat you got on Thanksgiving.
Catskill Comics
You may remember the old Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Dotie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others. If not then you probably don’t know this, but there is not one single swear word in their comedy.
* There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? “Honey, I’m home!”
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* I was just in London – there is a 6-hour time difference. I’m still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
* Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!”
Patient: “I AM 60!”
Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”
* A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”
* Doctor says to a man, “You’re pregnant!” The man says, “How does a man get pregnant?” The doctor says, “The usual way. A little wine, a little dinner, you know?”
* Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.”
Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”
* Why do divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
* Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
* I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.
Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart!
I’m Not Drunk, I’m Just New
So I was at the local DMV to get my driver’s license when my dad pissed off the lady at the counter. turns out she was the lady that had to do the actual road test with me. We get in the car and I thought I was doing pretty well, until she starts freaking out? She has me pull over, tells me I’m the worst drive ever. after yelling at me, she demands I go back to the DMV. and the rest of the time she is on her phone. When we get there, there is a state trooper waiting for me. gives me a field sobriety test. Literally had to take a sobriety test when I tried to get my license. At least I passed one test that day.
How To Seem Like A Normal Person At Social Events
1. Wear a hat. Do not wear a helmet. No helmets,
2. Talk to people. Do not gather mice and raise up a choir unto the lord.
3. Say things like, “How are you?” Never say, “Boo boo ding dong doo doo.” Why would you Say that?
4. Have a drink. Do not disrobe. Robe stays on.
5. Eat an hors d’oeuvre. Do not suck on a balled-up napkin. Good God.
6. Scan the crowd for a suitable lover. Do not loudly announce that this is what you are doing.
7. Dance to the music. Do not flop around, foam flying from your mouth. Be sturdy and full of hope.
8. Ask people for their phone numbers. If they decline, do not dive into the nearest garbage can.
9. Say goodbye to everyone. Do not say you will see them in hell. It is not funny. It is true. You are all going to hell.
So Nothing To Worry About
I have a friend who I’ve known since I was very little. One day, when he was six, I was at his house when he got this absolutely god-awful stomach pain. I mean, he was literally writhing in pain. So, his mom took him to the doctor’s office, where the doctor took one look and told her to take him to the ER. She feared something along the lines of an intestinal rupture. About half way to the hospital, my friend suddenly let rip the loudest, most powerful fart any of us had ever heard. I swear to God he levitated. We thought the upholstery in the car seat had ripped. After a good 30 seconds of intense farting, he looked at his mom and said, “I feel all better now!”
Tips For RED SHIRT Crew Members:
1. Always stay real close to a Senior Officer.
2. Get tons of Life Insurance.
3. Try to get a Promotion.
a. NEVER take someone else’s shift.
5. Searching by yourself is equal to a REALLY BAD IDEA!
6. Don’t touch, taste, step on, lean up against, or smell anything at all.
7. If it looks harmless; it will KILL YOU!
8. If it looks dangerous; it will KILL YOU!
9. If you’re beaming down, STEAL A DIFFERENT COLOR SHIRT.
10. If a camera crew is filming you…RUN!
Live Long and Prosper!
Some People Have No Sense Of Humor
Mother: (Holding newborn for first time) Aww, look at you, you have my eyes.
Father: And my smile
Aragorn: And you have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Nurse: Can we get security in here please, they’re back again.
Top 10 Party Games for People Over 60
1. Sag! You’re it!
2. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted in your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.
6. Doc, doc, goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Musical recliners.
9. Spin the bottle of Mylanta.
10. Hide and go pee!
Why Did Everyone Buy Into This?
Guy Who Invented The Clock: There will be 12 numbers on it.
Friend: So, the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: No, 24
Friend: So will the day start at 1
Inventor: The day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: The 6 means 30
| Yep, That Pretty Much Sums Up Black Friday |
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| Future Corporate Executive |
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| Where Is This Button?!!! |
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| I Always Wondered Where That Original Meal Came From |
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| Who Ok’ed This? |
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| Has That Ever Worked? |
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| And Doing A Really Bad Job Of It |
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| Well That’s One Way To Explain It |
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| That’s Just Despicable! |
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| Funny, But Evil |
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