Dean Martin & Foster Brooks – Frontier Doctor
Funny Animation To Show How Life Actually Plays With Us
1. Okay, who put a “stop payment” on my reality check?
2. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
3. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
4. All generalizations are false, including this one.
5. I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got!
6. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
7. What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
8. Drink coffee do stupid things faster with more energy!!!!
9. If you are psychic – think “HONK”
10. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
What Are Those Qualifications Again?
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.
The Personnel Manager said, “Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job.”
Mujibar said, “I’m ready”
The manager said, “Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.”
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, “Mister manager, I am ready”
The manager said, “Go ahead.”
Mujibar said, “The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, ‘Yellow, this is Mujibar.’”
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I have.
• What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
• What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
• Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
• What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
• How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
• Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
• What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
• What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
• What is the definition of a “crying shame”?
There was an empty seat.
• What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.
• What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can’t understand
• Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
• Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery
• What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
• What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
• Why to lawyers wear neckties?
To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
• If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
UPS Airplane Gripe List
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
(By the way; UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.)
(Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
50 Yard Line Super Bowl Tickets
A woman had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As she sat down, a man came along and asked her if anyone is sitting in the seat next to her.
“No,” she said, “the seat is empty.”
“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”
Somberly, the woman says, “Well… the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my husband, but he passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been to together since we got married in 1967.”
“Oh I’m sorry to hear that, that’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?”
The woman shakes her head, “No, they’re all at the funeral.”
Sure I Could But…
1. I’m waiting to see if I’m already a winner.
2. I’m writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
3. You know how we psychos are.
4. My favorite commercial is on TV.
5. I have to study for a blood test.
6. I’m going to be old someday.
7. I’ve been traded to Cincinnati.
8. I’m observing National Apathy Week.
9. I have to rotate my crops.
10. My uncle escaped again.
11. I’m up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
12. I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
13. I’m having my baby shoes bronzed.
14. I have to go to court for kitty littering.
15. I’m going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
16. I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
17. Having fun gives me prickly heat.
18. I’m going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
19. I have to jog my memory.
20. My palm reader advised against it.
21. My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
22. I have to stay home and see if I snore.
23. I think you want the OTHER [your name].
24. I have to sit up with a sick ant.
25. I’m trying to cut down.
26. … well, maybe.
Who Knew A Classified Add Would Cause So Much Trouble
(Monday) FORE SALE – R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
(Tuesday) NOTICE – We regret having erred in R. D. Jone’s ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m.
(Wednesday) NOTICE – R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE – R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
(Thursday) NOTICE – I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don’t call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.
Little Ralphy On Math
A teacher asks her class, ‘If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?’
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, ‘None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.’
The teacher replies, ‘The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.’
Then little RALPHY says, ‘I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?’
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ‘Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.’
To which Little RALPHY replied, ‘The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,’ but I like your thinking.’
Menu Item Translations
The following are items found overseas in which people have made inappropriate use of English words for various and bizarre menu items in restaurants.
Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce – China
Indonesian Nazi Goreng – Hong Kong
Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos – Cairo
French fried ships – Cairo
Garlic Coffee – Europe
Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) – Europe
Boiled Frogfish – Europe
Sweat from the trolley – Europe
Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream – China
Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse – Hong Kong
Roasted duck let loose – Poland
Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion – Poland
Fried friendship – Nepal
Strawberry crap – Japan
Pork with fresh garbage – Vietnam
Toes with butter and jam – Bali
French Creeps – L.A.
Fried fishermen – Japan
Teppan Yaki – Before Your Cooked Right Eyes – Japan
Pepelea’s Meat Balls – Romania
Dolphins evolve opposable thumbs
‘Oh, shit,’ says humanity
There’s no better way of using the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
It’s the Michael Jackson commemorative line of candy, for Valentine’s Day. It’s lovely, it’s delicious: it’s white chocolate with a nut inside.
Guns don’t kill people; husbands that come home early do.
-Larry the Cable Guy
People who know little are usually great talkers, while men who know much say little.
-Jean Jacques Rousseau
Motor Trend Car of the Year stripped of title after appearing as Hot Rod centerfold
Don’t be so humble; you are not that great.
I could point out that, to judge from the covers of countless women’s magazines, the two topics most interesting to women are (1) Why men are all disgusting pigs, and (2) How to attract men.
You say potato, I say vodka.
Fear Factor creator’s will: ‘Heirs must eat my ashes to collect inheritance’
Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
-Pancho Villa’s last words
For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
Egotist: n. A person more interested in himself than in me.
-Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
-Alice Roosevelt Longworth
I went around the world last year, and you want to know something? It hates each other.
-Edward J. Mannix
If you were a member of Jesse James’s gang and people asked you what you did, you wouldn’t say, “Well, I’m a desperado.” You’d say something like, “I work in banks,” or, “I’ve done some railroad work.” It took me a long time just to say, “I’m a writer.” It’s really embarrassing.
-Roy Blount, Jr.
Sex is dirty only when it’s done right.
Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
-H.H. Munro (Saki)
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man and a blind woman.
-Samuel Taylor Coleridge
She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
You don’t know anything about a woman until you meet her in court.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?