Friday Fun Stuff | Bringing You a Laugh at the End of the Week

Valentine’s Song – SNL

Devil Went Down to Jamaica – The Muppet’s (Sort of)

Valentine Quotes

• “I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing.” —Jonathan Swift
• “Love is an exploding cigar which we willingly smoke.” —Lynda Barry
• “I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?” —Zsa Zsa Gabor
• “At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass!” —Joan Rivers
• “Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” —Phyllis Diller
• “Sometimes I believe that some people are better at love than others, and sometimes I believe that everyone is faking it.” —Nora Ephron
• “No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.” —Henry A. Kissinger
• “On Valentine’s Day, millions of men give millions of women flowers, cards and candy as a heartfelt expression of the emotion that also motivates men to observe anniversaries and birthdays — fear.” —Dave Barry
• “For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.” —Ray Romano
• “I don’t know who St. Valentine was, but I hope he died alone, surrounded by couples.” —Miranda Hart
• “You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.” —Henny Youngman
• “It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.” –Lucille Ball
• “I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” –Jenny Han
• “Nobody loves me as much as I love me, so I guess I’ll just be my own valentine.” —Adam Rippon
• “If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” —Lily Tomlin
• “My mother-in-law said, ‘Dear, I’d like to tell you the secret of a happy marriage…Every now and then, it helps to be a little deaf.” – Ruth Bader Ginsburg
• “Infatuation is not quite the same thing as love; it’s more like love’s shady second cousin who’s always borrowing money and can’t hold down a job.” —Elizabeth Gilbert
• “I understood Valentine’s Day as a concept. The naked baby shoots you with an arrow, and you fall in love.” —Trevor Noah
• “Who was this St. Valentine anyway? I assume the patron saint of bad gifts, ’cause that’s how we express our love on St. Valentine’s Day.” —Jim Gaffigan
• “It was bad enough not having a boyfriend for New Year’s Eve. Now I had to cope with Valentine datelessness, feeling consummate social pressure from every retailer in America who stuck hearts and cupids in their windows by January second to rub it in.” —Joan Bauer

No Man Who Has Been Married For 30 Years Could Be This Stupid

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, l, J, K.”

She asks. ‘What does that mean?”

He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot.”

She smiled happily and said … “Oh, that’s so lovely .. What about l, J, K?”

He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his family jewels.

Things NOT To Say To Your Boyfriend

• Will you hold my purse?
• Can’t we just be friends?
• I’m pregnant…just kidding!
• My last boyfriend was a little bigger
• I betcha I can fart louder than you can!
• You’ll meet my dad…as soon as he’s paroled.
• Do you think these cold sores could be something serious?
• I’ve been thinking a lot about entering the convent.
• I tell my mom EVERYTHING!
• Why can’t you be sensitive?
• I betcha I’ve been with more guys than you have with girls.
• Stop hanging out with your friends and spend MORE time with me!
• My ex-boyfriend is serving time for armed robbery.
• What’s more important to you, me…or the Super Bowl?
• It’s not stalking if you really, really, really love someone.
• Would you mind if I saw other people?
• ‘Easy’ is just a nickname I picked up in school.
• You need to give me your cell number so I can call you ALL the time!
• I’ve already picked out names for our children.
• Could you just run into the store and grab me a box of pads?

But I’m Starving

A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast. “Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?” she asks.

He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins… or a cheese sandwich?” she inquires.

He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She’ll go to the store and buy him some food. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he’d like a pizza or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

“Well,” she says, “would you mind letting me up? I’m starving.”

Best Dirty, Kinky Sex Quotes

1. “Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.” — Richard P. Feynman
2. “Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.” — Sarah Nader
3. “Tell me what a person finds sexually attractive and I will tell you their entire philosophy of life.” — Ayn Rand
4. “Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.” — John Barrymore
5. “Sex is an emotion in motion.” — Mae West
6. “I don’t have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination.”
7. “Sex is like money; only too much is enough.” — John Updike
8. “Sex pretty much cures everything.” — Chuck Palahniuk
9. “If you don’t laugh during sex at least once, you’re having sex with the wrong person.”
10. “You. Me. Bed. Now.”
11. “Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions.” ― Deepak Chopra
12. “Some day every woman will have orgasms- like every family has color TV- and we can all get on with the business of life.” ― Erica Jong, How to Save Your Own Life
13. “‘Sex’ is as important as eating or drinking and we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false modesty as the other.” — Marquis de Sade
14. “Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.” — W. C. Fields
15. “The function of muscle is to pull and not to push, except in the case of the genitals and the tongue.” — Leonardo da Vinci
16. “I want to do bad things to you.”
17. “You can stay, but your clothes must go.”
18. “Excuse me for being too forward, but your lips make me wonder what the rest of you would taste like …”
19. “The nicer you treat her outside the bedroom, the naughtier it will get inside the bedroom.”
20. “Sick and perverted always appeals to me.” — Madonna
21. “Let’s make love, then have hot dirty sex.”
22. “It’s been a long day. I need one of those hugs that turn into sex.”
23. “When the sex is so good that you’re sore for days.”
24. “I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.” — George Burns
25. “I just want some sex so nasty that there will be absolutely no question that I’m going to hell.”
26. “When it’s so good you’re shaking.”
27. “I have sex with you a lot in my head.”
28. “I wanna be the reason you slightly tilt your phone away from others when you read it.”

And She Thought They Were Close

Text from daughter to mom:
“Hello Mom, I need your advice. I have some of my boyfriend’s cum stuck in my hair. How do I get it out? Will I have to cut it out?”

Text from mom to daughter:
“It’s nice you can send me such a frank text. No, you won’t have to cut it out. I’ve had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out.”

Daughter back to mom:
“Oh my God, Mom sorry meant to put GUM!”

Adult Truths

1 Sometimes I’ll look at my phone 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after streaming?
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with alcohol than Kay
17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Bad Neighborhoods” routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong brothers and sisters!
21. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
22. The first groin guard, the “Cup” was used in hockey in 1874, and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
• Ladies…..Quit Laughing

Be Careful Where You Go For A Treat

A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday.

At the club, the doorman says, Hi Jim, how are you? The wife asks, How does he know you?

Jim says, Oh dear, I play football with him.

Inside the Bartender Says, The Usual, Jim? Jim says to Wife, before you say anything, He’s on the Darts team.

Next a stripper Says, Hi Jim! Do you crave the special again?

The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi.

The Taxi driver Says, Hey Jimmy boy! You picked up an ugly one this time.

Jim’s Funeral is on Sunday!!!”

How To Be Just Brutal

• I’m busy right now- Can I ignore you some other time?
• You’re the reason God created middle finger.
• Roses are red, Violets are blue, God made me pretty, But what happened to you?
• I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than that.
• If you’re gonna be a smartass, first you have to be smart. Otherwise you’re just an ass.
• It’s pointless to make fun of you because it will take you the rest of the day to figure it out.
• I bet you were up all night trying to come up that one
• Aww, it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.
• Who let you out of your cage?
• Well I could agree with you. but then we’d both be wrong.
• Somewhere out there is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe. I think you owe it an apology
• Maybe if you ate some of that makeup you could be pretty on the inside.
• Too bad your personality doesn’t match your face.

A Conversation I Had With A 96-Year-Old Woman

96-Year-Old: You know how your parents probably say things like, “You were BORN with the internet, you don’t know what it’s like to live without!”

Me: Yeah

96-Year-Old: Well, my parents said the same thing to me about electricity.

Modern Valentines Day