Friday Fun Stuff | Bringing You a Laugh at the End of the Week

MEL BLANC – Classic Sad Sack Routine w/ Lucille Ball.

Live Performance from 1944.

The Monopoly Man Goes Bankrupt

Funny Work Quotes

1. Hard work never killed anybody but why take a chance? ~Edgar Bergen
2. I don’t work on weekends or any other day that ends with “Y”. ~Author Unknown
3. The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television. ~Author Unknown
4. Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. ~Groucho Marx
5. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. ~The Simpsons
6. If A is success in life, then A is equal to X plus Y plus Z. Where X is work; Y is play, and Z is keeping your mouth shut. ~Albert Einstein (well, maybe!)
7. As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Payday, lunchtime, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement. ~Tom Goins
8. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter. ~John Gotti
9. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential that word would be ‘meetings.’ ~Dave Barry
10. He’s so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor. ~Paddy O’Dea
11. Why is Monday so far from Friday and Friday so close to Monday? ~Author Unknown
12. Got to work this morning and my boss told me ‘have a good day’, so I went home and had a great day! ~Author Unknown
13. Work is just something I’m doing until I win the lottery. ~Author Unknown
14. Sometimes the best part of my job is that my chair swivels. ~Author Unknown
15. I once had a job in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate. ~Author Unknown

Bad Cemetery Dad Joke

We were driving past a cemetery and my Dad said in a dead serious quiet voice “l know something you don’t
know about this place. The people living in this town aren’t allowed to be buried here.”

And I was really confused so I asked why and he said “Because they’re still alive.”

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Social Worker: It crossed the road to be able to understand both sides.

An actuary: It looked in the file and that’s what it did last year.

A consultant: Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Our consulting firm, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), we helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive here was.

Timothy Leary: Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it take.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

Do You Still Have Her Number?

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.
But after looking through her closet and finding a nurse’s outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, I finally decided: if she can’t hold down a job, she’s not for me.

You Might Be A Schoolteacher If…

• You have no time for a life from August to June.
• You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!”
• When out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
• You refer to adults as “boys and girls.”
• You encourage your spouse by telling them they are a “good helper.”
• You’ve ever had your profession slammed by someone who would never dream of doing your job.
• Meeting a child’s parents instantly answers the question, “Why is this kid like this?”
• You believe “extremely annoying” should have its own box on the report card.
• You know hundred good reasons for being late.
• You don’t want children of your own because there isn’t a name you can hear that wouldn’t elevate your blood pressure.

Grandparents’ Answering Machine

Good morning … At present we are not at home, but please leave your message after you hear the beep.

Beeeeeppp

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of “birth arrival” so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, press 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner or take us to the theater start talking, we are listing!!!

Useful Expressions for those HIGH STRESS days

1. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
2. Are you coming on to me or having a seizure?
3. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
4. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
5. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
6. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
7. You! Off my planet!!
8. Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
9. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
10. I like cats too. Let’s exchange recipes.
11. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
12. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
13. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
14. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
15. I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
16. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
17. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
18. I’m just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
19. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
20. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
22. I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
23. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
24. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
25. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
26. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 2?
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Just smile and say “Yes, Mistress.”
29. Chaos, panic, and disorder – my work here is done.
30. Earth is full. Go home.
31. Is it time for your medication or mine?
32. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
33. I plead contemporary insanity.
34. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
35. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
36. When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.
37. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
40. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth
41. How about “never”? Is “never” good for you?
42. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
43. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

It All Depends On The Prize

I phoned my local radio station today.

When the guy answered the phone he said “Congratulations on being our 1st caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize.”

“Whoohoo!” I shouted with joy.

“It’s a math question,” he said, “Feeling confident?”

“I’ve got a degree in math and I teach it at our local school.” I proudly said.

Okay then, to win the 2 VIP tickets to see Justin Bieber and to meet him back stage afterwards, What is 2+2?”

“7,” I replied.

We Will All Relate To Most Of This Eventually

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
10. If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
19. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.”

What A Coincidence

A chicken farmer went to the local bar, sat down next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman said, “How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne”.
“What a coincidence” said the farmer, who added.
“It is a special day for me…l’m celebrating”
“It is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating” said the woman.
“What a coincidence” said the farmer. While they toasted, the man asked. “What are you celebrating”?
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant”.
“What a coincidence” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs.”
“This is awesome” said the woman. “What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?”
“l used a different rooster” the farmer said. The woman smiled and said.
“What a coincidence.”

Hey Dude, You Brought It Up