Friday Fun Stuff | Bringing You a Laugh at the End of the Week

If World Leaders Have a WhatsApp Group – By Ukrainian President Zelensky

Play Room – ATV 10 Comedy Company – 1988

How To Get Over A Flop Ex-Boyfriend

Imagine him chasing after a ping pong ball.

Imagine him eating a banana horizontally, à la corn on the cob.

Imagine him as a feudal serf in 16th-century Russia. He perpetually smells of manure from spending his days tending to the farm goats, who do not care for his whiny demeanor. He contracts syphilis but ultimately dies when the Czar has him executed because—simply put—nobody liked his vibes.

Imagine him with the body of a lizard.

Imagine him with the body of a hairless cat.

Imagine him having a weeks-long feud with a twelve-year-old on the Call of Duty subreddit.

Imagine him wearing leggings.

Imagine him licking Cheeto dust off his fingers.

Imagine him calling his grandmother some fucked up nickname, like “Gizmo,” “Googoo,” “GeeGee,” or “Gmail”

Imagine him gobbling down two hard-boiled eggs whole and washing it all down with a shot of cottage cheese. Little bits of yolk and cheese curd dribble down his stubbly chin as he mansplains game theory to you.

Imagine him casually using your toothbrush afterward.

Imagine him skipping around town in velcro shoes (never learned to tie his laces).

Imagine him getting into heated verbal arguments with his niece’s parrot.

Imagine him with pink eye. It’s so bad that both eyelids are completely crusted shut with yellow-green gunk and he needs you to guide him around like a seeing-eye dog.

Imagine him absentmindedly petting a real dog with his bare foot. The dog snaps and bites off his big toe.

Imagine him drinking out of a water fountain and putting his whole mouth over the spout.

Imagine him being full-body waxed by a stern old woman named Deb and yelping in pain after every pull. Out of pity, she repeatedly asks him if he’d like to stop, but he grits his teeth and tells her to keep going—his natural neck hair has caused one too many children to mistake him for a werewolf. He sighs. It is a problem.

If all else fails, remember that experts are predicting that marriage between humans and artificial intelligence will be legal in most states by 2030. Sending best wishes to the brokenhearted!

Just don’t remember that you actually had sex with him.

A 10 Year Old Girl Asks Her Mother, “Mommy. How Was I Born?”

The mother smiled and replied, “Once upon a time me and your daddy decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So, we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we fucked without a condom.

Perks Of Being Short

1. Most guys are taller than you
2. You can wear heels without being too tall
3. You will always be adorable.
4. Tippy toe kisses
5. You can always hem long pants, but you can’t make too short pants longer.
6. Lots of leg morn
7. Most guys prefer shorter girls.
8. Evidence suggests that short people live longer.
9. You look younger than you really are. This is good for when you’re 50.
10. Hair to height ratio makes your hair look 10 times longer.
11. You never have to worry about hitting your head.
12. You can be lazy because you can’t reach things so people will get them for you

Found This In A Doctor’s Clinic

“People eat fries and chicken fried in recycled spoiled oil. Eat pesticide laden vegetables and fruit. Pay money for a black liquid called Coke or Pepsi. Smoke, drink, and chew tobacco like there is no tomorrow. And all this without thinking twice! But after I write a prescription, they ask in all seriousness”

“Doctor, I hope there’s no side effect for these!”

Services I’m Offering As A Laid Off IT Professional

• Dog-walking
• House-sitting
• Babysitting
• Yard work
• Catering
• Elder care
• Figuring out which light bulb on your string lights is dead
• Holding a casket at a funeral
• Driving you to the birth of your child
• Driving you to your abortion
• Letting you know if you have anything in your teeth
• Providing talking points for the book you haven’t finished before your book club
• Pretending I can’t open a pickle jar so you feel stronger
• Reminding you that your ex is still a cheater even though they went to one therapy session
• Providing an extra hand for “light as a feather stiff as a board” at your next sleepover
• Watching your ex’s Instagram story and reporting on their whereabouts to you
• Pretending I’ve never watched The Godfather so you can say you showed it to me
• Attending your comedy show and setting my phone alarm to go off in the middle of it so you can say, “Let me guess. Birth control?” and the audience can laugh and laugh and laugh
• Sitting on your shoulders at the mechanic so that together we look like one seven-foot-tall being who the mechanic will take seriously and not up-charge
• Attending your least favorite cousin’s wedding and pretending to choke during her first dance with her father so you can save me from choking and steal the spotlight from her
• Asking you for money while filming a video and then sharing your kind act online so friends, family, and strangers will love and respect you the way you’ve always wanted to be loved and respected
• Calling your mother and telling her that yes, you are gay, and the reason you hired a third party to tell her is because you didn’t know how she was going to react because when that one girl from The Bachelor came out as queer your mom said she “tricked” the men on the show, and you don’t know if her generation really understands the nuances of sexuality and how daunting it can be to broach that topic with them
• Watering your plants

Smart Kid, Those Assholes Will Steal Anything

Innocence at its best…Innocent my ass!

A small boy parks his bicycle nearby the Parliament house in London and walks away.

A police constable stops him and asks: Why did you park your bicycle here? Don’t you know about this road? Many MPs, sometimes CMS, even President and cabinet ministers and politicians pass by here.

The boy replied innocently: Don’t worry, I locked my bicycle.

Ways to Make New Friends As An Adult

1. Join a cult
2. Blackmail your coworkers
3. Get a dog and then invite people to come over and pet that dog
4. Become a vampire
5. Leave your house for once
6. Release an untold evil into the world and join the ragtag team of heroes that assembles to destroy it
7. Start breakdancing in a Walgreens
8. Tell some teens you’ll buy them beer, but only after they go play mini golf with you
9. Steal a mannequin and be friends with the mannequin

What, You Didn’t Think It Worked Both Ways?

I had a blind date last night, but before it I was worried what to do if she was really unattractive. My friend told me not to worry as there’s an app for just that situation. It’s called ‘Mum Are You Okay’ and it schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date:

If you like her, you just ignore your phone. If you want to cut short the date, you answer with. “Mum? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”

It works every time, no worries.

So anyway, I knocked on the girl’s door and it turns out I needn’t have worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous and stunning.

But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang. She answered it and said. “Mum? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”

When Your Teacher Wants You To Fail

Time: 15 minutes.

Answer all the questions. Do not turn in this test until you are told to do so. Each question is worth 30 points.

1 – Black is a color and white is also a color. but black and white television is not a color television. Discuss, 10 points.

2 – If soap and water make the body clean, then what makes the towel dirt after bath? Discuss, 10 points.

3 – Can you trust a nurse whose husband sells coffins? Discuss, 10 points.

You are free to use a calculator.

Yes, There Is Such A Thing As Too Much Stat Trek

So, I tried to read “50 Shades of Grey” this weekend, but every time Anastasia said “Oh My” (which was like, 2-3 times PER PAGE), I couldn’t help but imagine George Takei saying “Oh Myyyyyy”. By page 12, I imagined everything Anastasia said was said in George Takei’s voice. By page 15, I just imagined George Takei was Anastasia. I had to give up somewhere around page 17, because Christian has started to sound and look like William Shatner/ Captain Kirk circa ST:TOS, and after that, I imagined everyone wearing Enterprise uniforms, and there was no way the story was going come back from that.

I didn’t even make it to any of the sex scenes.

Where Do I Sign Up?