Friday Fun Stuff | Bringing You a Laugh at the End of the Week

Dirty Hungarian Phrasebook – Monty Python

Genie On Hard Times With Parker Posey

Children’s Books You Will Never See:

• “You Were an Accident”
• “Strangers Have the Best Candy”
• “The Little Sissy Who Snitched”
• “Some Kittens Can Fly!”
• “How to Dress Sexy for Grownups”
• “Getting More Chocolate on Your Face”
• “Where Would You Like to Be Buried?”
• “Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her”
• “The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North Amer…Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!”
• “All Dogs Go to Hell”
• “The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking”
• “Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia”
• “What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?”
• “Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?”
• “Bi-Curious George”
• “Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”
• “Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver”
• “You Are Different and That’s Bad”

His & Her Poems

Woman’s Poem:
Before I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a man who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh, send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A Man’s Poem:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit!

Honest Definitions

• ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
• BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
• CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
• CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
• COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
• DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
• EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
• GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
• HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
• INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
• MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
• RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
• SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
• TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
• TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
• YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
• WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

How Much Did She Make?

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’ So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘OK, buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays.”

How Men And Dogs Are The Same

- Both are scared of the vacuum cleaner
- Neither of them will tell you what’s bothering them
- Both fart shamelessly
- Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches
- Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut
- Both are suspicious of the postman
- Both take up too much space on the bed.
- Both mark their territory.
- Both want to bury their bone.
- Because if you start petting the neighbors dog-they get very jealous…
- Both are loyal when you are close by-but roam when you are gone.
- Because if you wave a treat in front of them…you can get them to do all sorts of tricks.
- No matter a dog’s size or breed, they all tend to act like the big dog-until they are put in their place.
- Neither understands what you see in cats.

What Did You Think They Were Talking About?

1 inch – Are you fucking kidding?
2 inch – I can’t even hold it properly.
3 inch – Never been so unsatisfied in my life
4 inch – I’ve had bigger.
5 inch – Good, but not enough!
6 inch – About right.
7 inch – Can’t complain.
8 inch – Fucking perfect.
9 inch – A bit much.
10 inch – It’s hurting my insides.
11 inch – I can’t take it anymore.
12 inch – I’m absolutely fucking destroyed.

And this is how I rate my subway sandwiches

More Dirty, Kinky Sex Quotes

1. “The best things in life make you sweaty.”
2. “I just want you to be happy. And naked.”
3. “The key to a great marriage — keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.”
4. “I’ll come and make love to you at five o’clock. If I’m late start without me.” ― Tallulah Bankhead
5. “In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind.” — Nora Ephron
6. “I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.” — John Waters
7. “I’ll make sure you’re having a good time, and that you’re okay with everything. I just won’t be well mannered about it.” — Samantha Young
8. “Stop undressing me with your eyes! Use your teeth.”
9. “I’m a lover, not a fighter. Unless you like it rough.”
10. “A gentleman holds my hand. A man pulls my hair. A soulmate will do both.” — Alessandra Torre
11. “If you kiss my neck, I’m not responsible for what happens next…” — Stan Dupp
12. “The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform.” — Alfred Kinsey
13. “Of all sexual aberrations, chastity is the strangest.” ― Anatole France
14. “Save water. Shower together.”
15. “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” — Steve Martin
16. “Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home. I’m tired.” — Mae West
17. “Nice pants. Can I test the zipper?”
18. “No woman gets an orgasm from shining the kitchen floor.” — Betty Friedan
19. “Morning sex… Proven to be more effective than coffee…”
20. “Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.”
21. “I promise to always be by your side. Or under you. Or on top.”
22. “Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it.” — Richard P. Feynman
23. “Good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere.” — Helen Gurley Brown
24. “I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.” — Chelsea Handler
25. “Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them.” — Kevin Costner
26. “She was made for untidy rooms and rumpled beds.” — Alexander McCall Smith
27. “Take her like it’s the first time and the last time every single time.” — JmStorm
28. “Your lips are like wine and I want to get drunk.”

Where Were You!

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After two hours, she stopped nagging and said, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?

He replied, “That would be fine with me.” Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Simplified Urine Test

Go outside and pee in the garden:

If ants gather = Diabetes.
If you pee on your feet = Prostate.
If it smells like a barbecue = Cholesterol.
If when you shake it, your wrist hurts = Osteoarthritis.
If you return to your room with your penis outside your pants = Alzheimer

Why Men Shouldn’t Write Advice Columns

Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day. I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband’s help. When I got home, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to counseling, and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently.

Can you please help?

Sincerely. Sheila

Dear Sheila.
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there.is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty. causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,
John

Apparently We Don’t Need Forest Rangers