Friday Fun Stuff | Bringing You a Laugh at the End of the Week

Death Shows Up – Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life

Mind Your Own Fucking Business

More Jokes About Getting Old

• I like older women because they’re used to life’s disappointments, so they’re ready for me.
• When you’re old, getting lucky is walking into a room and remembering exactly why you’re there.
• Old age is when your old classmates are so grey, wrinkled, and bald that they no longer recognize you.
• If it’s your birthday today, you should congratulate yourself. Especially if you’re still able to remember it.
• The older I get, the more cults make perfect sense. Do you know how hard it is to make friends as an adult?
• You know you’re getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.
• Old age is when you’re faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o’clock.
• The best moment of a woman’s life isn’t giving birth, it’s seeing an old adversary and realizing how fat and ugly she is now.
• When you’re young, you make a lot of noise just having fun. When you’re old, you make even more noise just bending over.
• I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then I remember that death will be normal for my age at some point.
• I’ve reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I know they’ll be some new developments I won’t like.
• When you’re young, embarrassment is forgetting to zip up your fly. When you’re old, embarrassment is forgetting to unzip your fly.
• As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right one for me.

Birth Control For Grandma

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized the grandma had a prescription for birth
control pills.

Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?

“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”

“Mrs.. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!”

The old lady reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee….” Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. and believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night.”

You gotta Love Grandmas!!!

More One-Liners

• Wise people learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us are the others.
• Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person’s an idiot.
• An optimist believes that the world couldn’t be better. A pessimist is afraid that might be true.
• It’s funny when someone says we need to talk, but what they mean is, you need to listen.
• Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking.
• Living in the 21st century is a bizarre experience. Our priority now is deleting history rather than making it.
• Life’s all about perspective. For instance, the sinking of the Titanic seemed like a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.
• We all live by the 50-50-90 rule. Anytime we have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability that we’ll get it wrong.
• My boss asked whether it was me or him who was stupid. I responded diplomatically that everyone knows he has a reputation for never hiring stupid people.
• Before I criticize anyone, I always walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when I’ve criticized them, I’m a mile away, and they can’t chase me because I’ve got their shoes.

Different Diaries

Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband Was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing. ‘ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that loved him. He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior, I don’t know why he didn’t say; ‘love you, too’. When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep — I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:
Motorcycle won’t start…can’t figure out why.

More Things You Shouldn’t Say To Someone After You’ve Just Slept With Them For The First Time…

1. My wife will be here shortly, oh an your kitty cat smells like shit
2. You have lots of other redeeming qualities
3. That’s it?…
4. Leave a tip?
5. Let me just check on the wife and kids
6. Go home
7. Wow….how many kids did you have?
8. Are you allergic to any antibiotics?
9. Your mom and 2 sisters were better
10. How about round 2
11. That’s it?
12. Hey. Remember your Uncle Ray’s kid? The one you haven’t seen in a few years? Surprise!!!! Long time no see Cuz!
13. That was nice but not like my ex used to do it.
14. What’s that smell??
15. Turn the light off on the way out
16. That was fun.
17. I’m sure that HIV test was just a false positive.
18. Please press like and subscribe
19. Your mom was better
20. See you again tomorrow
21. Did you just have a kid?
22. Thanks!
23. High five!
24. Your done?
25. That wasn’t good at all
26. Nice try
27. Were you a virgin?
28. Lol. Hummmm…. I’ll be back

I Think They Have The Titles Backwards

Girl: Ah, finally. This is the moment!
Boy: Will you leave me?
Girl: No!
Boy: Do you love me?
Girl: Yes, a lot!
Boy: Have you ever cheated on me?
Girl: No. why are you asking this?
Boy: Will you kiss me?
Girl: Every time I get the chance.
Boy: Will you ever hit me?
Girl: Are you crazy? Of course not!
Boy: Can I trust you?
Girl: Yes
Boy: Darling

Now read it all backward

Quotes By Phyllis Diller

• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
• I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
• His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
• You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
• Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
• I buried a lot of my ironing in the backyard.
• My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
• The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
• A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
• Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
• You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
• Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
• Life is a do-it-yourself kit; so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
• My photographs don’t do me justice. They just look like me.
• You know you’re old if they’ve discontinued your blood type.
• A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once
• I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in ‘What’s That?’
• Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
• Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
• I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
• The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
• I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband. How about short and cheap?
• The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
• I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
• Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
• You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
• Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
• I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
• This man I was going out with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas but he gave me a bowling ball.
• Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, ‘I’ll tell you something you do that irritates me if you tell me something I do that bothers you,’ never ends in a hug and a kiss.
• To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
• This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him’.

I’d Pay For That Service

If you ever get ghosted by a person you just slept with, give me their number.

I’ll call to tell them we’ve just found your body, that they are the last known person to see you alive & demand they come to the station to answer a few questions.

To All Cops

Found on a car window

1. My window is down far enough. I can hear you just fine. DO not try to open my door, they are always locked.
2. Before you ask me for anything you need to state the reason for pulling me over.
3. You are being audio and video recorded for my protection and your accountability.
4. I do not speak to, nor do I answer ANY questions from cops. Any information you need to know will be on my Driver’s license, registration and proof of insurance.
5. I do not consent to any searches or seizures. If you truly feel the need to search my vehicle, get a warrant. I will be happy to wait.
6. What you put into this stop is what you will get out of it. Respect my rights and it will be quick and pleasant.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Women’s Ass Size Study

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting.

30% of women think their ass is too fat,
10% of women think their ass is too skinny,
The remaining 60% say they don’t care, they love him, he is a good man and wouldn’t trade him for the world.

Yeh, That Fits