How To Be A Jerk At Work w/ Amanda Cerny
Kids in the Hall: Captain Calm
Brutally Honest Slogans
1. “Hot Pockets — Every bite is a different temperature.”
2. “Taco Bell — You can make 32 different things with these five ingredients, why mess with perfection?”
3. “Altoids — Use the box for anything else.”
4. “The Onion — This wasn’t supposed to be a prediction.”
5. “Ikea — Visit for the meatballs. Stay because you can’t find the fucking way out.”
6. “YouTube — Where the world watches ads.”
7. “Q-tips — Listen, from a liability standpoint, we have to tell you to not stick these in your ears. But we’re not your mother. You do what the fuck you want.”
8. “Staples — No one actually works here.”
9. “The Simpsons — We don’t predict the future. The problems of the ’90s were never fixed.”
10. “Nike — Let’s face it, you’re not going to actually do it.”
11. “Ramen — You get paid in a few days.”
12. “Pepsi — Is Pepsi ok?”
13. “Facebook — Making it easier to stalk people since 2004.”
14. “Yellow Pages — Here, you throw this away.”
15. “Ryanair — What are you gonna do, walk?”
16. “Ex-Lax — Because you’ve got shit to do.”
17. “Hughesnet — We’ll make you miss dial up.”
18. “EA — Bringing the gambling addiction to your phone.”
19. “Adblocker — Because pressing the ‘skip ad’ button takes energy that you just don’t have right now.”
20. “Reddit — You don’t have to read shampoo bottles anymore while taking a dump.”
21. “Internet Explorer — The best browser for downloading Chrome.”
22. “Bing — Even we’re surprised you’re using us!”
23. “Viagra — Try it. How hard can it be?”
A Story About 4 Body’s
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
Dr. Seuss’s Lesser Known Books
1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Are You My Proctologist?
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Feels a Ho
6. The Lemon-Fresh Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo—Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. The Grinch’s Ten Inches
12. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
13. The Bitch Set Me Up
14. I’ve Fallen — And I Can’t Get Up!
15. Yentl the Lentil
16. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
17. Aunts in My Pants
18. Hop On Mom
19. Oh, the Place You’ll Scratch and Sniff!
20. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
Asking Her Father
“Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can’t live without me, and she wants to marry me.”
“And you’re asking my permission to marry her?”
“No, I’m asking you to make her leave me alone!!”
Excellent Reasons To Give Pets Boring Human Names
1a. To see how long it takes co-workers to realize you’re talking about a pet and not a significant other (“Dave and I were watching a movie in bed the other nite”)
1b. or about a kid (“Maria’s not allowed to eat raisins, she’s allergic”)
2. You can use them as an excuse (“Taylor hates it when I get home late”)
3. Eventually you get to say things like “Jennifer got stuck between the wall and the refrigerator again
He Was Only Following Your Mature Example
Today these two kids in my math class were hitting each other with pencils and my teacher glared at them and said “could you try to be a little more mature?”
One of them screamed “TAXES” and punched the other kid in the face.
How To Deal With Stress
1. Buy a subscription to sleezoid weekly and send it to your bosses wife/hubby.
2. Pay your electricity bill in pennies.
3. Drive to work in reverse.
4. Mentally reflect on your favorite episode of The Flintstones during that important finance meeting.
5. Refresh yourself. Put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.
6. Tell you boss to blow it out of his mule and let him figure it out.
7. Polish your car with earwax.
8. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
9. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
10. Bill your doctor/dentist/whoever for time spent in his waiting room.
11. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
12. Write a short story; using alphabet soup.
13. Lie on your back eating celery…. using your naval as a salt dipper.
14. Stare at people through the lines of a fork and pretend they’re in jail.
15. Make up a language and ask people for directions.
Ok, That’s Just Funny
Last day of senior year, we started a food fight at lunch. And by food fight, I mean we drew angry faces on an orange and an apple, then faced them toward each other, made a big circle around them, and we all reacted like we were watching a fight.
All the security guards ran to break up the fight, only to make their way to the middle of the circle to find two pieces of fruit sitting on the ground.
Miscellaneous Quotes
Show me a man with both feet on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t take his pants off.
-unknown
As we delight in the strange and exotic beauty of orchid flowers, it is salutary to reflect that we are, in essence, looking at their genitalia.
-a British biologist (from The Beak of the Finch)
Sign seen in a print shop: “Good, Quick, Cheap…pick two.”
-The Vent
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
-Groucho Marx
When looking for a reason why people do certain things, never rule out sheer stupidity.
-Walter E. Williams, on airport security screeners
It may be just coincidence, but man’s best friend cannot talk.
-unknown
Whenever I don’t feel so well, I always try remind myself of the Siamese twin whose brother is gay, whose boyfriend is coming over…and they share the same ass hole.
-Jay Mohr, supposedly quoting Buddy Hackett
I said to my doctor last week, “My pe nis is burning.” He said, “That just means someone’s talking about it.”
-Billy Crystal
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
-Mel Brooks
This woman has been married so many times, she suffers from bouquet elbow.
-David Letterman, on Jennifer Lopez
Never in the history of Major League Baseball have so many been paid so much to play so poorly.
-The Vent
It is an old maxim of mine that when you have excluded the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
-Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (Sherlock Holmes), “The Adventure of the Beryl Coronet”
The weightlifting competition I saw was the women’s 63 kg class. I’m not sure whether this means the actual women weighed 63 kg or the weights they lifted weighed 63 kg. Or possibly the temperature in the weightlifting hall was 63 kg. There’s no way to know for sure without finding out what a “kg” is, and my belief, as an American, is that if I have to start understanding the metric system, then the terrorists have won.
-Dave Barry
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality by not dying.
-Woody Allen
Men: You know how, when your wife can’t open a pickle jar, she gives it to you, and you’re supposed to smile in a manly patronizing way as you effortlessly twist it open? That’s not what happens in our house. What happens is, after a grim struggle lasting several minutes, I wind up lying on the kitchen floor, exhausted and whimpering, while the pickle jar, unopened, laughs and flirts boldly with my wife. Sometimes it gives me a wedgie.
-Dave Barry
I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
-Rodney Dangerfield
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
-George Carlin
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-Ernest Hemingway
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
-Frank Sinatra
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-Dean Martin
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-Kaiser Welhelm
Beer: So much more than just a breakfast drink.
-Whitstran Brewery sign
Is life worth living? That depends on the liver.
-unknown
Well How Would You Describe It
I can’t wait to get married because its like a sleepover every night with your best friend.
That’s the cutest description of marriage. I’m not even joking
It’s better than ‘betting someone half your stuff that you’ll love them forever’.
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