If Fast Food Places Could Meet
• I brake for… wait… AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!
• A fool and his money are a girl’s best friend.
• I’m not driving fast-just flying low.
• Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
• My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!
• If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
• All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
• Ask me about my vow of silence.
• Today’s subliminal message is: ( )
• Forget about World Peace….visualize using your turn signal.
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
• BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
• HORN DOES NOT WORK- WATCH FOR FINGER!
• Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
How Much Does It Hurt
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?”
The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it’s difficult to describe pain.”
“I know, but can’t you give me some idea?” she asks.
“Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…”
“A little more…”
“No. A little more…”
“Yes. Does that hurt?”
“A little bit.”
“Now stretch it over your head!”
How Be An Asshole To Your Waiter
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, “Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?”
8. After he describes each special, you shout, “Garbage!”
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, “Minimum wage”.
6. Every few seconds, yell, “More waffles, Cuomo!”
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, “You wouldn’t charge Superman for dinner, would you?”
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, “He’s gonna spit in the chowder!”
1. Three words: eat the check.
How To Stay Together Forever
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”
Rules Of The Airways
• Takeoff’s are optional. Landings are mandatory.
• Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
• Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
• The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
• Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!
• Everyone knows a ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. But a ‘great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.
• The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
• Was that a landing or were we shot down?
• Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.
• Trust your captain…. but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
• Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.
• Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
• A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he’s flying, and about flying when he’s with a woman.
• Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
• There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!
• Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!
• Gravity SUCKS!!
I’m Going Into The Airforce
A soldier, a sailor, a marine, and an airman are all in a survival class. The instructor asks, “you wake up and find a scorpion in your tent. What do you do?”
The sailor says “I get out of the tent, sir”
The soldier says “I kill it, sir”
The Marine says “I KILL IT! THEN EAT IT! SIR! OOHRAH!”
The airman says “I call the front desk and find out why there’s a tent in my room, sir.’
The Most LETHAL Yo Mama Jokes
• Yo mama so fat she’s on both sides of the family.
• Yo mama’s so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.
• Yo mama so fat, when she skips a meal, the stock market drops.
• Yo mama so ugly the burglars break into her home, just to close the blinds!
• Yo mama so dumb she tried to climb Mountain Dew.
• Yo mama so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.
• Yo mama’s so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes
• Yo mama so fat, the Sorting Hat put her in the Waffle House.
• Yo mama so fat, she makes memory foam want to forget.
• Yo mama so fat when she takes a shower her feet don’t get wet.
• Yo mama so old I told her to act her age and she died.
• Yo mama so ugly her blowjobs count as anal.
• Yo mama’s so fat when I pictured her in my head that bitch broke my neck.
• Yo mama so fat, Dracula bit her and got diabetes.
• Yo mama so fat, when she fell in the pool, water was discovered on Mars.
• Yo mama so ugly that yo papa had to get a husband
• Yo mama so hairy, Bigfoot takes pictures of her.
• Yo mama so old that when she tries to leave a museum the alarms go off.
• Yo mama so poor she goes to KFC and licks other people’s fingers.
• Yo mama’s so fat every time she turns around it’s her birthday.
• Yo mamma so fat, Thanos had to clap his hands.
• Yo mama so ugly she goes into the haunted house and gets out with a job application.
• Yo mama so fat, two people have to think of what she looked like in order to fully picture it.
• Yo mama’s so fat I swerved to miss her and drained a full tank of gas.
• Yo mama’s ass so hairy her diarrhea comes out like filtered water.
• Yo mama so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.
• I was gonna say a Yo Mama joke but there’s no reason to bring your cousin into this.
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”
A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”
Yet More Nerdy One Liners
1. They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who’s in a hurry?
2. When you wait for a waiter in a restaurant, aren’t you a waiter?
3. Try to say the letter “M” without your lips touching.
4. Try to say the letter “p” without your lips touching.
5. Weird is a side effect of awesomeness/ being awesome.
6. Relationships are a lot like Algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
7. I heard you took an IQ test and they said your results were negative.
8. I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
9. If you’re texting two people at the same time, you are biTextual.
10. My girlfriend is like my iPad…I don’t have an iPad.
11. The longer the title the less important the job.
12. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
13. Until I was thirteen I thought my name was ‘Shut up!’.
14. Hey, I found your Nose , it was in my business again.
15. You are wise, witty and wonderful, but you spend much time reading this sort of stuff.
16. If there is NO chocolate in heaven..I AM NOT GOING.
17. AWESOME ends with ME and UGLY starts with YOU.
18. Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.
19. If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
20. I love my six packs so much that I protect it with a layer of FAT.
21. Some people are such treasures that you really want to bury them.
22. I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code.
23. When Life Gives You Questions, Google has Answers.
24. Do not be afraid to step on people. Mario made a career from it.
25. Just thought a thought but thought I thought wasn’t the thought I thought.
26. *HTTP 404: Status not Found
27. If you love two people at the same time, choose the second..
28. “The difficult we do immediately, Impossible takes a little longer.”
What Did I Eat?
A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy.
A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks.
He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, “Whoa, I don’t remember eating that!”