Friday Fun Stuff | Bringing You a Laugh at the End of the Week

Dad Joke Survivors

The Sonny and Cher Show (1976-1977) with guest Farrah Fawcett

60th Birthday Survival Kit

Marbles…to Replace The Ones You’ve Already Lost.
60 Pennies…to Contribute To Your Retirement Fund.
Rubber Band…to Give You Your Flexibility Back.
Paper Clips…to Hold Things Together.
Soap…to Wash Away Your Age.
Whistle…for When You Fall And You Can’t Get Up.
Name Tag…so You Don’t Forget Who You Are.
Pudding…to Get You Used To Softer Foods.
Magnifying Glass…for When Your Eyesight Goes.
Arthritis Soak…for All Those Extra Aches & Pains.
Denture Cleaner…for When You Lose Your Teeth.
Eyeglass Cord…for When You Get Forgetful & Lose Your Glasses.
Pill Organizer…for All The Prescriptions You’re Going To Need.
Notepad…to Write Things Down Before You Forget.
Pen…to Remind You To Write Things Down Before You Forget.

Drug Warnings Be Like:

Possible side effects include explosive diarrhea, sudden death, constipation, hair loss, depression, uncontrollable laughter, blindness, weight gain, loss of bladder control, infections, cardiac arrest, stroke, nerve damage, loss of smell, abnormal dreams, bloating, instant paralysis, projectile vomiting, amnesia, colored urine, hallucinations, compulsive behavior, extreme addiction, suicidal ideation, birth defects, mental anguish, loss of smell, insomnia, sleep walking, and difficulty speaking.

Let me guess, it’s supposed to lessen the effects of headaches?

And No I Will Not Give You One

Lost your pen = no pen
No pen = no notes
No notes = no study
No study = fail
Fail = no diploma
No diploma = no work
No work = no money
No money = no food
No food = you get skinny
Skinny = then you get ugly
Ugly = no lover
No lover = no marriage
No marriage = no children
No children = alone
Alone = depression
Depression = sickness
Sickness = death
Lesson: Don’t lose your pen

He’s Reached A Certain Age

Back in my day there was so much toilet paper and so many cheap eggs that we gathered at night and threw them at the houses of our enemies.

Sure, there were grandpa, let’s get your to bed now.

Human v1.1 Hotfix Patch

- Dislodged eyelashes will no longer enter eyeball area and become inaccessible
- Random cheek and tongue biting issue during food consumption fixed
- Memory leak patched, should fix the “enter room and forget why” and item misplacement issues
- Fixed a bug where the motivation module would randomly fail to load
- Healthy foods TASTE attribute has been increased while unhealthy foods have had their TASTE attribute lowered
- For more balanced play, female players will receive an across-the-board +50% modifier to sex drive
- Exercise has now become an optional sub-game and will not be required to reach base levels of health or efficiency
- Intake efficiency has been boosted so fluid and solid intakes will not result in 90% waste. Resources will be optimized to reduce waste to 10% or less resulting in lower output and frequency of output.
- Updated the anti-virus definitions, common cold now a thing of the past
- Male: Erection on command, not when it feels like it at random times throughout the day.
- Female: That time of the month, now the best time for everyone
- Hair now stays where it’s supposed to and does not appear where it’s not
- Seep on demand system now installed
- Female and Male G-Spots now easier to find and reach for everyone
- Males will no longer occasionally crush their testicles when sitting.
- Ability to see the “Wrong Person” for you before you date them
- Customizable Genitalia
- Menopause now just makes you horny.
- Instant fat removal now available on demand
- Enhanced Don’t Give a Fuck Module
- And from now on the waste removal pipe will no longer go through playground/amusement park.

If Only People Could Say That To Their Boss Without Getting Fired

“I remember my white boss saying ‘they’ should be sent back to their country. I turned to my white coworker next to me and said, ‘Can you imagine all the white people returning to Europe? People at the local reservation would be ecstatic to get their land back.’ Coworker laughed with me and boss remained silent.”

Professional Ways To Say Fuck Off Without Swearing

1. I kindly request that you respect my need for personal space and refrain from intruding further.
2. I appreciate your perspective, but I would prefer to focus on positive interactions and maintain a healthy environment.
3. It would be greatly appreciated if you could remove any negativity from our interactions, as I strive for a more constructive atmosphere.
4. I apologize for any misunderstanding, but I believe it’s best for me to handle this matter independently.
5. While I respect our differences, I feel it would be more beneficial for us to engage with others who align with our interests.
6. It has come to my attention that our compatibility may not be optimal, so I kindly suggest exploring alternative connections.
7. I value our individual preferences, and it appears we may have different tastes in companionship.
8. I hope you understand that our interaction might not be as harmonious as I would prefer.
9. I kindly request that you respect my space and refrain from appearing in my line of sight.
10. I regret to inform you that your approach is not compatible with my personal boundaries, and I kindly ask that you maintain
respectful distance.
11. I recognize and appreciate your confidence, but I believe our perspectives might not align in this particular matter.
12. I apologize for any misunderstanding, but I currently have other priorities and commitments that require my attention.

Well Of Course That’s What You Would Do

I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath….throw the washing in.”

However, the bloke on the next table said, “My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died.”

If the ground could have swallowed me up I’d of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?”

He said, “No, he choked on a sock.”

Shits

Dogshit – Very poor quality
Bullshit – Not true
Horseshit – Nonsense
Apeshit – Rambunctious
Batshit – Insane
Chickenshit – cowards
Ratshit – poor quality
No Shit – Obviously
Holy Shit – mind blowing/unbelievable
Hot Shit – very good
Dipshit – a total dumbass
Tuff Shit – Take it or leave it.
Jack Shit – nothing
The Shit – perfection

Why Girls Are Like This

Dear Parents,
Jasmine was in a relationship with a dirty homeless boy named Aladdin, Snow White lived alone with 7 men. Pinocchio was a liar, Robin Hood was a thief. Tarzan walked around without clothes on. A stranger kissed sleeping beauty and she married him, Cinderella lied and snuck out at night to go to a party.

You can’t blame us.
You’re the ones who took us to those movies.

I Don’t Think This Is What They Meant

Of Course He Doesn’t Need Money, He Already Has It All

Well I Guess It Does

The Horror!

Damn! That’s Cheaper Then McDonald’s!

He Was Never Talking, That Was Just Charlie Being High

So How Do You Deal With Boredom In Your Job?

So How Do You Deal With Boardum In Your Job

Privacy? Never Heard Of It

Where Does She Hide The Flask?

And She Was Delicious

Harry Enfield Pharmacist

If Men Were Honest With Women

Drug Warnings Be Like:

Aren’t Families Just Great!

A married couple was in a terrible accident, and the husband’s face was severely burned.

The doctor told him they couldn’t graft any skin from his own body because he was too skinny.

His wife lovingly offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only suitable area was from her buttocks – a rather delicate matter. They both agreed to keep it a secret, and the doctor promised not to say a word.

After the surgery, everyone was amazed by the man’s transformation. He looked more handsome than ever!

Friends and family couldn’t stop complimenting his fresh, youthful face.

One day, deeply moved, he said to his wife, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I ever repay you?”

She smiled and replied, “My love… I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

Fun Things To Do At The Mall

If you can find one

• Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
• Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
• Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
• At the bottom of an escalator, scream “MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!”
• Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
• Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
• Test mattresses in your pajamas.
• Sprint up the down escalator.
• Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the “hidden picture”.
• Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
• At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there’s much meat on them.
• Ask for rose-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
• Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
• Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
• Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
• Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
• Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are “leakproof”.
• Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they’re real.
• If it’s Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.
• Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say “Domino’s.”
• At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

At Least He Has A Good Reason

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”

The man says, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”

“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”

“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”

“Well, then we need a urine sample.”

“I’m sorry officer I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I’ll get really low blood sugar.”

“Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”

“I can’t do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m too drunk to do that”

Rejected Muppets

Name: Scraggle
Species: Wombat
Physical Appearance: Undead
Personality: Plays with fire, licks himself, drives over the speed limit, wanted in 6 states

Name: Dick Van Dyke
Species: Jerk
Physical Appearance: Tall and rude
Personality: Straight white man

Name: Cocaine Parrot
Species: Grey parrot
Physical Appearance: Parrot on cocaine
Personality: A tightly-rolled twenty-dollar bill

Name: John Lennon
Species: Monster under the bed
Physical Appearance: Sepia Toned Void
Personality: Whispering conspiracy theories while children sleep

Name: Snorlax
Species: Yarn
Physical Appearance: Big ball of yarn
Personality: Impossible to unravel

Name: Elizabeth Fangs
Species: Vampire
Physical Appearance: Vampiric
Personality: Sucking blood, can’t count for shit, love-bomber and gaslighter

Name: Kentucky Charles
Species: Salesman
Physical Appearance: Big Trench Coat Full of Watches
Personality: “Want to buy a cheap Rolex?”

Name: Mitch
Species: Turtle Senator
Physical Appearance: Dana Carvey
Personality: Master of Disguise, Evil Legislator

Ok, That’s Funny As Hell

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

*Looks back at my trailer full of donkeys*

Me: “Because I’m…”

*Lowers shades*

Me: “Hauling ass…”

*Taser deployed*

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble:

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full “Kiss” makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, “Thou sucketh!”
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by “Jeb Daddy.”
5. Defiantly says, “If I had a radio, I’d listen to rap.”
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression: “Talk to the hand, ’cause the beard ain’t listening.”
2. Was recently pulled over for “driving under the influence of cottage cheese.”
1. He’s wearing his big black hat backwards.

Why You Should Always Test Before Your Buy

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot.

He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.

He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”

“Don’t worry,” said the Auctioneer. “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

Top Ten U.S. Military Slogans

10. We don’t like collateral damage, but it helps to stay the @#$% out of our way.
9. Total destruction in 30 minutes or the next one is free.
8. Often mistaken for the wrath of God.
7. We kill foreigners so you don’t have to.
6. If everything is exploding around you, that’s probably us.
5. Dictator got you down? Ask about our new “regime change” policy!
4. Just point at what you want dead.
3. Trying to win hearts and minds, but willing to splatter them if necessary.
2. When it absolutely, positively, has to be destroyed overnight.
1. We’re from the government, and we’re here to kill you.

Word Of The Day

“Exhaustipated”

[adj.) too tired to give a shit

Why Can’t I Find A Woman With A Just A Carry On Version