Harry Potter and the Mirror of Desire – Studio C
The College Try by Garfunkel and Oates
Common Kissing Mistakes?
1. Opening your mouth to reveal a garden of Tic Tacs.
2. Whispering “Here comes Li’l Boom Boom” as you start to lean in.
3. Breathing so hard that you lay a small egg at your partner’s feet.
4. Mumbling the words “You mah sweet potato” mid-kiss.
5. Keeping your eyes open like some kind of spooked newt.
6. Being so stiff that you get mistaken for a mummified king.
7. Suddenly yelling the phrase “Holy Hot Wings!” with your head turned skyward.
8. Licking and spitting and slobbering and blubbering.
9. Collapsing at their knees when finished, then rolling backward, right into moving traffic.
Best Divorce Letter Ever
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. … Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me any more; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me any more; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your Ex-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So, when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.
Things To Never Say In A Job Interview
1. I want yummy job, gimme that yum yum!
2. Damn you old man, I know your game
3. At my last job I was a world-class sex captain
4. Here is my list of broken dreams, I mean resume
5. I have big ideas. Mostly about meat. Notions of beef.
6. Look at me wiggle! I am wiggling for money.
7. If I were a ghoul, would that be a problem?
8. Hark! My mouth speweth words like a butt uncorked.
9. How much longer? There is a senator loose in my home.
10. Have you ever been milked? It is not that scary.
Even Monkeys Smoke Joints
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.
The lizard looks up and says “Hey, what are you doing?”
The monkey says “Smoking a joint. Come up and join me.”
So, the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint.
After a while, the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!”
The lizard explains that he was up in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out.
He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.
He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”
The monkey looks down and says “OMG! DUUUUDE…HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!”
Things To Whisper To Complete Strangers
l. “I have the plans. Do you have the diamonds?”
2. “Salty peanuts! Salty peanuts! Salty peanuts!”
3. “Secretly. I am a gorilla.”
4. “Does this make Sense to you? Like, any of it?”
5. “Pretend we are turtles named Luther and Emily. I don’t care who’s who.”
6. “Are your pockets full of macaroni and cheese. too?”
7. “I arrived by elephant.”
8. “Bread is real.”
9. “You know. under different circumstances. I believe we could have been the owners of rival graveyards, each resorting to increasingly desperate, not to mention questionable, nay, even illegal, means to secure, how shall we say… permanent residents?”
I Always Wondered About That Myself
Dad: Why did the Grammar teacher slap you yesterday?
Little Johnny: Just wanted to clear my doubt… I asked her a valid question, for which she had no answer… So, she took out her frustration by being furious violently.
Dad: And what was the question?
Little Johnny: I asked her why Bra is “singular” when it covers two things, and Panties “plural”, when it covers only one?
Things You Can Say In Response To Literally Anything, When You Have Nothing Else To Say:
• As the prophecy foretold.
• But at what cost?
• So let it be written; so let it be done.
• So…it has come to this.
• That’s just what he/she/they would’ve said.
• Is this why fate brought us together?
• And thus, I die.
• …just like in my dream…
• Be that as it may, still may it be as it may be.
• There is no escape from destiny.
• Wise words by wise men write wise deeds in wise pen.
• In this economy?
• …and then the wolves came.
Who Says Astronauts Don’t Have A Sense Of Humor
“You never know true beauty until you see Earth from space, or true terror until you hear someone knocking on the space station door from outside. You look through the porthole and see an astronaut, but all your crew is inside and accounted for. You use the comm to ask who it is and he says he’s Ramirez returning from a repair mission, but Ramirez is sitting right next to you in the command module and he’s just as confused as you are. When you tell the guy this over the radio he starts banging on the door louder and harder, begging you to let him in, saying he’s the real Ramirez. Meanwhile, the Ramirez inside with you is pleading to keep the airlock shut. It really puts life on Earth into perspective.”
Barry Wilmore
Ways To Escape A Painful Conversation
l. Cough loudly. Say, “I am dying like in the movies.” Reveal a red-spattered napkin. Crawl away moaning.
2. Rub your knees together until a plume of smoke appears. Disappear in the haze. As night ninjas do.
3. Pretend that you are choking. When they say, “What’s wrong?” say, America demands too much.”
4. Find a sword. Fall on it until you perish. Fly to heaven.
5. Sit on the ground, rock back and forth while saying, “I have butt worms.” Conversation = over.
6. Make a sound that does not exist in this world or the next. Let terror descend, No more fun talkie time.
7. Sock the speaker in the nostril. Apologize. Then: flee.
8. Go to the bathroom. Lock the door. Slide out the window like a rigid banana. Whoosh, California jailbreak.
Why You Should Get Off Your Computer
Just be careful everyone, people are going crazy from being in isolation!
Actually, I’ve just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad.
I didn’t mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.
Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant.
In the end the iron calmed me down as she said everything would be fine, no situation is too pressing.
The vacuum was very unsympathetic… and told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over!
The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and it didn’t say anything, but the doorknob told me to get a grip.
The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to… yes, you guessed it, pull myself together!