Doraline – MadTV
‘Yo Momma’ Jokes So Perfect, Even The Old Lady Would Have A Good Laugh
Yo mamma’s so fat that when she goes camping the bears hide THEIR food.
Yo mamma is so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.
When Yo mamma’s hauls ass, she’s gotta make two trips.
Yo momma is so fat, after sex she smokes a ham.
Yo mamma’s so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
It used to be called a Jumpoline until yo mamma’s jumped on it.
Yo mamma’s so fat I tried to talk shit behind her back but ran out of gas on the way there.
Yo mamma’s so fat, she keeps quarters in one pocket and yen in the other!
Yo mamma’s so fat her shadow got stretch marks.
Yo mamma’s so fat that when she was in school she sat next to everybody.
Yo mamma’s so stupid she sits on the tv and watches the couch.
Yo mamma’s so fat, every time she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo mamma’s so fat Thanos had to clap.
Yo momma’s blood type is Ragu.
Yo mamma’s so fat, she’s on both sides of the family.
Yo mamma’s so nasty she puts ice down her pants to keep the crabs fresh.
Yo mamma’s so fat, her baptism was at sea world.
Yo momma’s so fat that when she left in high heels she came back in flip flops.
Yo mamma’s so fat I missed all 6 seasons of ‘Lost’ when she walked past the tv.
Engineer Vs. Management
A man in a hot air balloon realizing he is lost, spots a woman walking through a field far below him and decides to ask for directions so he reduces his altitude. He descendes a bit more and shouts, “Excuse me, I wonder if you can help me? I promised a friend that I would meet him in field similar to this an hour ago, but I’ve lost direction and don’t know where I am.”
The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are currently at neutral buoyancy floating above a wheat field and you are located between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist. “I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know? “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is precise and technically correct, but I have absolutely no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost, I am still late. Frankly, you’ve been not much help whatsoever”
The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.” “I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?” “Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s become my fault!”
Funny Things To Say
1. I’m so glad we have brown cows, otherwise there wouldn’t be any chocolate milk.
2. 9 out of 10 voices in my head tell me I’m crazy. The tenth is just humming.
3. After Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
4. You should always knock before opening a fridge, just in case there’s a salad dressing inside.
5. A successful man is one who earns more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who knows where to look for such a man.
6. A pessimist is someone who has spent too much time listening to optimists.
7. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
8. My tallest finger loves giving people standing ovations.
9. Every woman should marry an archeologist, because the older she gets, the more he’ll love her.
10. 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
11. I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.
12. A bag of money can represent not only wealth, but also massive inflation.
13. It’s funny how the cost of living is going up but the chance of living is going down.
14. Try calling someone just to tell them you can’t talk right now.
15. I am a great housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
16. Is there a connection between candy corn and corn nuts?
17. I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
18. The next time you buy a donut, complain that there’s a hole in it.
19. A cookie a day keeps your sadness away, but an entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
20. I’m not going to remarry. This time, I’m just going to pick a woman I don’t like and give her a house instead.
21. If hamburger meat makes a meatloaf, then laziness will make me-a-loaf.
22. I had used up all of my sick leave, so I called in dead.
23. I am going to get my toe nail-pierced this Friday.
24. I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one abandoned me, but the second did not.
25. I’ve always thought air was free. That is, I did until I went out and bought a $3 bag of crisps.
The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
Don’t mess with old people!
If Each Military Branch Had An Honest Slogan, What Would They Be
• The confused. The loud. The Marines. – US Marines
• In the Army we waste more time before 9 am than most people waste all day. – US Army
• It’s not just a job. It’s a sentence. – US Navy
• I thought I was gonna be a pilot. – US Air Force
• 5,000 dudes surrounded by water. – US Navy
• A sh*tty job for anyone and everyone. – US Army
• We came, we saw, then waited for three months before the lieutenant admitted he was lost. – US Marines
• Stacking bodies since 1775. – US Marines
• The Marines: It will make up for your tiny wiener.
• United States Coast Guard: Drugs. We have a lot of drugs. You can’t use any of them, but you can look at them.
Making The Best Of A Bad Situation
Today I saw a sticker on a car, “Ex Covid-19 Patient”.
I was amused to see this sticker & out of curiosity, I inquired with him when it stopped at the signal.
He said, “My friend, after seeing this sticker – no Policeman now dares give me breathalyzer test.”
More Actual Bumper Stickers
1. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
2. All men are idiots, and I married their King.
3. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
4. Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
5. Montana — At least our cows are sane!
6. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
7. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
8. If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
9. When you do a good deed, get a receipt–in case heaven is like the IRS..
10. Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
11. No radio – Already stolen.
12. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
13. Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges.
14. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
15. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
16. OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
17. Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
18. I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
19. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
20. Tell me to ‘stuff it’ – I’m a taxidermist.
21. IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
22. Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
23. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Want A Ride?
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, “Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”
“NO!” says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, “Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”
“NO!” says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, “Okay kid, my last offer! I’ll give you 20 Bucks “and” a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike, and we will go for a ride.”
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out… “Look Dad” “You’re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley …YOU RIDE IT!!”
More Dumb Ads
1. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
2. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
3. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
4. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
5. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
6. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
7. And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
8. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
9. Lost: Small apricot poodle – Reward. Neutered, just like one of the family.
10. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
11. 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
12. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
13. The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
14. Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
15. Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
16. Wanted: Part-time marred girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
17. Wanted: Chambermaid in rectory. Love in, 200 a month; References required.
18. Wanted: Mother’s helper, peasant working conditions.
19. Save regularly in our bank. You’ll never regret it.
20. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
21. See ladies blouses. 50% off!
22. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else..
Yeh, Now It Makes Sense
When the first couple of seasons of Walking Dead aired, I used to complain that the show never explained how the population got so tiny.
Now I know it was because 100 million dumb-asses walked right up to the zombies yelling, “l refuse to live my life in fear!”