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Monty Python – Live In Hollywood
Civil War Ghost
Five Rules To Remember In Life
1. Money can not buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole’s name.
3. If you help someone when they’re in trouble, they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
‘This is the 21st century, old man,’ he said. ‘We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.’
I can tell you, that bloody mosquito never knew what hit it.
Funny Texts From Parents Gone Bad
Mom: Love you, kiddo!
Kid: Aw, thanks. Love you, too!
Mom: Sorry, wrong person
Kid: Dad, my bank account has ten dollars in it!
Dad: Oh good, our plan to get you to contact us succeeded
Kid: I was offered a job!
Dad: Accept it before they realize their mistake.
Dad: What is IDK?
Kid: I don’t know.
Dad: Oh, do you know who does?
Dad: I just changed my password to “incorrect” so the computer just tells me when I forget.
Kid: Lets eat dad
Dad: “Let’s eat Dad” or “Let’s eat, Dad.” Punctuation saves lives.
Kid: I love you
Mom: I tolerate you
Mom: I think I keep getting messages or missed calls or something.
Kid: From who?
Mom: Some woman called…Betty Low?
Kid: Um, battery low?
Mom: Yeah, that’s it!
Kid: What time are you picking me up?
Dad: Who is this?
Kid: Your son.
Dad: How did you get this number?
Kid: I programmed your phone, remember?
Dad: How do I delete people?
Mom: Your father is driving me crazy. When are you coming home?
Kid: I’m out with friends so not till late. Sorry!
Mom: It’s OK. I put Ambien in his tea. He won’t be annoying me much longer.
Dad: Aren’t you supposed to be at school?
Kid: Aren’t you supposed to be at work?
Kid: Happy 49th, Dad! I love you so much!
Dad: It’s 48! You ruined my day.
Mom: Come downstairs and talk to me please. I’m lonely.
Kid: Isn’t Dad there?
Mom: Yes, but I like you more.
Answering Service At The Mental Institute
“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.”
How To Give A Cat Medication
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat with head just visible from below arm-pit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by the furniture store on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to find a new home for cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
Or you could just crush one pill in between two soup spoons, mix in to cream cheese and serve cheese/crushed pill to cat as he licks it off your finger.
Girl Friend 1.0
Subject: -What software version are you running?
I’m currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I’ve been having some problems lately.
I’ve been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I’ve tried have always conflicted with it.
I hear that Drinking Buddies won’t crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off.
But I’m embarrassed to say I can’t find the switch to turn the sound off.
I just run them separately, and it works okay.
Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0.
After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0.
He said I probably didn’t have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly.
He was right – as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta.
All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0.
This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program.
It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system.
I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn’t know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems.
Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can’t understand, much less reprogram.
Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold plated contacts.
And I’ve never liked how GirlFriend is totally “object oriented.”
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to Girlfriend Plus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend.
He discovered that Girlfriend Plus 1.0 expires within a year if you don’t upgrade to Fiancee 1.0.
So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog.
It has taken up all his space, so he can’t load anything else.
One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.
Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug Ins he wanted to try.
On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.
Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can’t turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself.
Then Mistress 1.0 won’t install anyway because of insufficient resources.
Things NOT To Say To A Naked Man…
Wow – look at all the hair on your back!
Maybe you should start going to the gym more.
That was fine dear…pass me my vibrator?
That’s a shame, maybe we should grab a video instead?
Wake me when it’s over, ok?
I think the condom’s too big.
You want me to what?!?
Well, that explains the padded pants.
Did you take out the garbage yet?
My husband’s in the Marines.
He’s due home any day now.
Is that a toupee?
So THAT’S what your ex warned me about!
Surgery might be able to help.
Not until you’ve showered.
That must be my mother on the phone.
Your brother’s bigger.
Your best friend’s better.
Are you done yet?
Wow! Look at the size of your…..beer gut!
Size doesn’t REALLY matter, dear.
You might want to see a doctor about that.
My Very First Time!
The night was young, the moon was high,
We were alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft her eyes were blue,
I new just what she wanted me to do,
Her skin was smooth her legs were fine.
I ran my finger down her spin.
I don’t know how but I tried my best,
As I placed my hand on her breast.
I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart.
And slowly she spread her legs apart.
And when I did it I felt no shame,
And all at once white stuff came.
At last it is finished, it’s all over now.
My first time ever…
…Milking a cow!
(And what were YOU thinking about?)
Women & Firearms
The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one’s self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false images into a more proper perspective. Please circle your answers to each below:
1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on it that says: “The ultimate in feminine protection?”
A. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
B. I’m amazed the pigs have no law banning women’s T-Shirts.
C. A 9mm for “light days” and a .44 Magnum for “heavy days.”
2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:
A. All you’ll ever need.
B. Like I’d use yet another phallic symbol.
C. The signal to open fire.
3. The movie “Thelma & Louise” was:
A. An insidious plot to stamp out femininity and glorify violence.
B. A male ploy to encourage further suppression of women.
C. A training film.
4. What was technically wrong with the scene in “Thelma & Louise” where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer?
A. Tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche, I mean pointing guns; let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
B. Only thing I saw wrong was that it took two sisters to disarm only one man; not realistic at all.
C. The dummies left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the dashboard of the cruiser.
5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:
A. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.
B. Is it a male mouse or a female mouse?
C. Link up the belt feed to the M-60.
6. You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor, Ralph, who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You reply:
A. Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered to the evil ethos of mindless brute force!
B. Yeah, like I’m supposed to stand there and let old fat gut Ralph leer and drool like he usually does. Men are such pigs!
C. Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel stupid enough to give me whimpy advice like that!
7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster?
A. Obscene! The icon of death with the symbol of nurturing.
B. What’s a bra?
C. As long as it doesn’t get in the way of my shoulder sling.
8. Define “male.”
A. The first syllable of “malevolence,” which in turn is only one letter short of “male violence.”
B. An animal with a one-track mind. A brute who feels the need to try to control, suppress, double-talk all women everywhere.
C. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females, but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.
9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products as Mace and CapStun belong?
A. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and understanding, you won’t need nasty things like that.
B. Yet more products of questionable effect manufactured by the male-dominated industrial complex to make women feel somewhat secure.
C. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of Feminique.
10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife upraised. How many shots should you fire?
A. None. It would be better to die or submit than sacrifice moral victory by using deadly force. How unseemly and gauche.
B. As many as I had, assuming the male-dominated firearms industry would sell me a gun, let alone ammunition in the first place.
C. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, how often do you get a chance like that to express yourself and get in touch with your feelings?
Grading the Exam
* If 8 or more of your answers were “A” – This indicates you’re a true pacifist. Perhaps the meek will indeed inherit the earth someday, as it is written, but only when the rest of us are done with it.
* If 8 or more of your answers were “B” – Hey babe, you’re stuck in the 60′s sweetheart. Loosen up! A full 12.7% of you chicks have good jobs and make almost as much us men now. I mean, like, what more do you want outta us poor males?
* If 8 or more of your answers were “C” – Don’t feel too bad. Society may not yet have a place for you, but Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in “Bride of Rambo”.
Were All Glad Of That
I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.
|No I’m Not Dyslexic, Why Would You Ask?|
|They Didn’t Do It Because Those Dolls Are Supposed To Be Make Believe|