Jokes – Lists #3

Surprises That Were Supposed To Be In The Re-Mastered Star Wars
• New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.
• The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba’s big brother, Pizza the Hut.
• During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2′s special attachment.
• Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.
• He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader’s seems to have helped his breathing immensely.
• Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin’ goatees.
• Commander of the Death Star: Dr. Kevorkian
• Land speeders replaced with bitchin’ pink Miatas
• Comic relief provided by Cheech Marin as Luke Skywalker’s wacky Mexican caddy
• Darth Vader’s voice goes up three octaves after Dennis Rodman kicks him in the groin
• Luke and Darth Vader work together to beat the crap out of a bunch of Trekkies
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A Bachelor's Kitchen Guide
Freezer Foods:
If you can’t tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it’s time to throw BOTH out.

Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

In the Fridge:
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway – if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetite!

If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.

You know it is well beyond prime when you’re tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.

Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

On the Shelf:
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of… Very carefully.

Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots” that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.

It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.

Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.

Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there’s nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago.

Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.

It never spoils. However, if you can’t chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.

Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.

If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.

Expiration Dates:
This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
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Reasons For Being Fired From Toys 'R' Us
15. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean.

14. Every time you’re passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to “end it all.”

13. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.

12. Numerous parental complaints about your “Tickle Me Carl The Stock Boy” display.

11. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.

10. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they’re the new “Jerry Springer” edition.

9. The “My Little Taxidermy Kit” (with starter squirrel) is not selling.

8. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct.

7. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again.

6. Source of reefer smoke finally traced to “nostrils” of Geoffrey the Giraffe.

5. Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.

4. Caught hocking phlegm into tykes’ hands and telling them it was “homemade Gack.”

3. Your sales display, “Barbie’s Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu” was not exactly an overwhelming success.

2. Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar.

1. Regardless of the question, you answer, “Bite me, kid — I’m on break.”
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Very Strange Calls to the Smithsonian Institute
The Smithsonian Museum’s telephone support team usually get questions like “How do you get there?” “When are you open?” etc. More detailed questions get passed along to departments such as Anthropology. But every so often, you get funny ones.
Here are some Cordelia Benedict of the Smithsonian’s telephone information services and Marilyn London of the anthropology outreach and public information office have gotten over the years:

• Where do you keep the flying saucers you’ve captured?
• Can a small plane land on the Mall? The caller was sure it could since “all those planes in the Air and Space Museum had to get there somehow.”
• There’s a mastodon in my back yard. Can you send some scientists to dig it up? “There was literally a mastodon buried on her ranch,“Benedict says. “She was right! We referred her to the vertebrate department, I think.”
• Is Fawn Hall’s underwear on display? This from “two men in a Texas bar who obviously had a lot to drink,” says Benedict.
• What’s the name of the guy who invented the wheel? “How do you know it was a man?” London quipped.
• Where is the Ark of the Covenant? Try the Indiana Jones movies.
• Is the Smithsonian interested in buying the carcass of Bigfoot?
• Will the Smithsonian sell the starship Enterprise, used for the popular “Star Trek” television show? “She only wanted it if the transporter was in working condition,” Benedict says. (The only life-size Enterprise at the Smithsonian is the space shuttle of the same name).
• How do you say “I’m thinking of you” in Apache?
• Do you have the coin George Washington tossed across the Delaware River?
• Can the Smithsonian set up a caller with a hula teacher? “Actually, I tracked one down for her,” remembers London. “We have a curator involved in South Pacific and Hawaiian culture, so she knew one.”
• Can you send “all the information you have on human evolution, even the secret stuff?”
• Could the Smithsonian take a “petrified whale” off my hands? He was referred to paleontology. “I told him `petrified’ means `very old biology,’ and he said, `good because this is a very old whale,’” Benedict recalls.
• Does the Smithsonian display Civil War planes?

and last but not least…

• Here’s one of Benedict’s favorites: an offer to donate a collection of potato chips resembling “famous people and animals.”
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More Of Bart Simpson’s Chalkboard
1. Goldfish don’t bounce.
2. Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
3. No one is interested in my underpants.
4. I will not sell miracle cures.
5. I will return the seeing-eye dog.
6. I do not have diplomatic immunity.
7. I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
8. The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
9. All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
10. I will not say “Springfield” just to get applause.
11. I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
12. My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
13. I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
14. I am not deliciously saucy.
15. Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
16. The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with “Hail Satan”.
17. I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
18. There are plenty of businesses like show business.
19. Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
20. I will not waste chalk.
21. I will not skateboard in the halls.
22. Underwear should be worn on the inside.
23. I will never win an Emmy.
24. The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
25. I will not torment the emotionally frail.
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New Laws To Regulate The Hunting & Harvesting Of Attorneys
• 370.01 – Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.
• 370.02 – Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.
• 370.03 – The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.
• 370.04 – It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.
• 370.05 – It is unlawful to shout, “WHIPLASH”, “AMBULANCE”, or “FREE SCOTCH” for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
• 370.06 – It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.
• 370.07 – It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.
• 370.08 – If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.
• 370.09 – It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
• 370.10 – Bag and Possession Limits per day: Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2; Two-faced tort teasers, 1; Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3; Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2; Minutiae-advocating dirt bags, 4. Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act).
• ARS 8007.21 – It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.
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Star Trek The Next Generation Episodes That Never Got Aired
1. I, SPOT – Data’s cat Spot is assimilated by the Borg and winds up eliminating them all when she chokes on a hair ball.
2. ALEXANDER/ALEXADRIA – Worf’s honor is once again put to the test when his son Alexander comes out of the closet and admits to being a cross dresser.
3. THE TRICK – Captain Picard goes on a massive witch hunt to find out who switched his Earl Grey Tea with Folgers Crystals.
4. ENTERPRISE UNBOUND – Serious questions arise about the Enterprise when it suddenly comes to life and gives birth to a Ferengi shuttlecraft.
5. AND THE BAND PLAYED ON – Commander Riker stuns everybody by following their advice and taking trombone lessons.
6. KNIFE IN THE SHADOWS – Worf becomes worried when Troi begins watching old file tapes of what is termed “The Bobbit Case” after she catches him with a new Ensign.
7. THE BEAST WITHIN – Data is put on trial when it is discovered he downloaded several adult video files containing scenes of feline bestiality from a local Ferengi trader.
8. PLAY-TROI – Serious questions arise about Deanna Troi’s past when Wesley is caught with a back issue of SWANK Magazine which contains some surprising photographs.
9. BABYLON – The Enterprise passes through a hole in the intra- dimensional fabric and is hurled into another dimension, where the crew are all transformed into bald aliens with bones on the back of their heads.
10. METEOR – Rather than use phasers and destroy a large asteroid headed for a federation colony, Picard tries to talk it into changing course.
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6 Degrees Of Blonde
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said ‘How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!’ and hung up.
The husband said, ‘Who was that?’ The wife said,
‘I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.’

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, ‘Hmm, this person looks familiar.’
The second blonde says, ‘Here, let me see!’ So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, ‘You dummy, it’s me!’

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead….
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, ‘No, honey, don’t do it!!!’
The blonde replies, ‘Shut up, you’re next!’

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, ‘Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.’
A friend says, ‘OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?’
The blonde replies, ‘Oh, that’s easy: W.’

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
‘Is it mine?’

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, ‘I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman…’

By the way, you know why so many blond jokes are so short?
So men can remember them ;~)

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How To Torture A Telemarketer
- Ask them if they’ve got beer

- Start speaking in tongues

- Tell them that person doesn’t live there anymore. Give them the number of an adult service and tell them that it is her/his new number

- Tell them that you’re not there right now

- Ask them if they accept coupons

- Start selling them something

- If someone calls soliciting donations, tell them you’re poor and ask for money instead

- Start preaching your religion to them

- Pretend you’re a recording and say “The number you have reached is not in service. Please check the number and dial again, or talk to your operator for assistance. Recording A4.” Extra points for imitating the 3 rising tones at the beginning.

- Try to hypnotize the telemarketer

- Play a recording of a busy signal

- Put on some really annoying music and put the phone up to the stereo.

- Ask the telemarketer if he/she is single. Then try hitting on him/her. Be sure to mention your various medical problems, your fascination with odd smells and your shrine to the Lawrence Welk Show.

- Use one of those voice changers to disguise your voice

- Ask the TM if he/she minds if you talk to him/her on the toilet. Then take a plastic Heinz ketchup bottle and squeeze out ketchup repeatedly (if you’re ever used this kind of ketchup you’ll know what kind of sound this makes!!!!!)
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Truths For Mature Humans
1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
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Bumper Stickers
• No Radio…Already Stolen
• Cover me: I’m changing lanes
• Me… You… Dinner… Motel…
• CAUTION: I Brake For No Apparent Reason
• Big Deal!…My kid beat up your honors student
• Conserve toilet paper, use both sides
• Never mind the damn whales. Save the people!
• Remember you’re unique, just like everyone else
• I’m out of bed & dressed. What more do you want?
• Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition
• As long as schools have tests, there will be prayer
• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck
• Your kid may be an honors student but you’re an IDIOT!
• If we’re not to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• Forget about Karma…Visualize Using Your Turn Signal
• Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs
• Learn from your parents’ mistakes…use birth control
• I’m not as think as you drunk I am
• Sorry, there Slick. I don’t date outside my species
• Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges
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Super Business Slogans
Local ad for a plumber:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in Pennsylvania:
“Don’t sleep with a drip – call your plumber.”

Pizza shop slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”

Door of a plastic surgeon’s office:
“Hello, can we pick your nose?”

Sign at the psychic’s hotline:
“Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”

At a laundry shop:
“How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?”

Billboard on the side of the road:
“Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.”

Outside a muffler shop:
“No appointment necessary, we hear you coming.”

On a desk in a reception room:
“We shoot every third salesman, and the second one just left.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
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Things Never To Say To A Working Mom
1. It must be hard missing all those special moments every day.
2. I suppose it’s smart that you’re working. You know, in case your husband leaves you some day.
3. I’m surprised you went back to work. Your husband seems so successful.
4. It’s cute when they call your nanny “Mama.”
5. I just love my kids too much to leave them during the day.
6. Did you see Dateline? The one with the hidden camera in the day care?
7. I could never let someone else raise my children. But that’s just me!
8. I hated my mom because she was never home after school like everyone else’s mom.
9. You must feel so guilty.
10. I wish I were as laid-back as you and could just let the housework go.
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Fun Things To Do Aboard The Starship Enterprise
1. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft
2. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
3. Giving Worf a nuggie
4. Ordering Pizza from Domino’s then going 30 min. into the future just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Foldger’s crystals
6. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self- destruct sequence
7. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
8. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they’ve beamed aboard Prince Albert In A Can
9. Tribble sex!
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Bad Taste Michael Jackson Jokes
Michael Jackson is dead. Hospital staff doesn’t know what to do with the body as plastic recycle night is not until next Tuesday…

Paramedics knew Jackson was in trouble when they found him lying on the floor blowing Bubbles…

In memorial of The King of Pop’s death McDonalds have brought out a Jackson burger… 50 year old meat shoved between 8 year old buns.

Jacksons will states that his body is to be melted down and turned into a Playstation so kids will still play with him…

On his death bed, Michael Jackson requested that his ashes be packaged into a box of Rice Bubbles so he can have the feeling of going through a kids ass one more time…

Why did Jacko go to JC Penny’s?
He heard boys’ pants were half off.

Hey, hopefully doctors can find a saw strong enough to go through the thick plastic skin. Now they can perform an autopsy to see why he turned white.

In other news, Elton John teams up with Jacko for a duet entitled “Don’t Let Your Son Go Down On Me.”

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and pimples?

Pimples come on your face after you reach puberty.

How do kids know when it’s time to go to bed in Michael Jackson’s house?

It’s when the big hand touches the little hand

Anyone else notice that- ‘The singer and dancer Michael Jackson’ is an anagram of- ‘Danger as he jams a cock in ten children’? I checked, it is an anagram.

When Farrah Fawcett arrived at heaven and God granted her 1 wish, she wished for all the children to be safe. So God killed Michael Jackson…

Michael Jacksons undertakers are confused whether to cremate his body or throw a Tupperware party.

Michael Jackson has died in a tragic accident. Government sources have warned about the dangers of eating 12 year old sausage.

MJ has died of a heart attack this morning, he found out that BOYS 2 MEN was a band and not a delivery service!

The jockeys at tomorrows race are wearing black armbands in commemoration of Michael Jackson as the king of pop successfully road more three year olds than anyone else

The story about Michael Jacksons death is a lie, he was found in the children’s hospital having a stroke

The coroner report is in. He died from food poisoning. He ate 6 year old nuts.
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Go Away!!!
Here’s a list of phrases to use when you want to be left alone
(on long flights, at parties, bus rides, at the baseball games, etc)

• Yeah, I really miss my wife…but at least I have her skin to remember her by
• Have you ever tried cat meat?
• I just got out of prison. I’ll bet the kids at the playground really miss me
• Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth
• The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man next to me
• My butt really itches!
• My shrink says flying helps offset my desire to mutilate woodland creatures
• Would you hold this messy Kleenex for me?
• My mother just told me we can’t sleep together anymore
• Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own sister?
• Hey, does your urine ever turn blue?
• I get a proctological exam once a week, whether I need it or not
• This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary
• Oh damn, my diaper’s wet again!
• If I go unconscious, stick your finger down my throat – that’ll wake me up
• Wow, they could charge for that cavity search they gave me!
• I work for the city of San Gabriel and I drive a garbage truck
• I collect aluminum foil
• If me and my wife get divorced, are we still legally brother and sister?
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School Excuse Notes
These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:
1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the runs.
12. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wears.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
22. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
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World's Worst Wake-ups
Things You Don’t Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness
• “I don’t know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.”
• “Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he’s still moving.”
• “Blink once for ‘yes’.”
• “What do you mean we have the wrong patient?”
• “Why is there a tag on his toe?”
• “Do you think he can hear us?”
• “I didn’t even know a human could bend that way.”
• “I’m sorry, we didn’t use enough anesthesia. Relax, we’ll be done in a jiffy.”
• “Hold the patient still, we’ve almost pried it open.”
• “Did the doctor tell you he would look like that afterwards?”
• “Nurse, make sure you get all this down. It’ll make a great ‘ER’ script.”
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Actual Newspaper Ads!
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES… Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat … been out a while..better be a reward.

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIAPEACHES, California grown – 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.


And The Best One…

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.
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The Laws Of Golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant “You looked up,” or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: “Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.” Similarly, “tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one, sucker.”
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
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Rejected Saturday Morning Cartoons
“Billy, the Homicidal Smurf.”
“Scooby and Shaggy Go To The Retirement Home.”
“Archie, the Abscessed Tooth.”
“Yosemite Sam…UNCENSORED!”
“The Golden Girls meet The Power Rangers.”
“Da Boys in Mister Rogers Neighborhood.”
“The Land of The Lost…The Barney Years.”
“COPS” in full color anime!
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Things That Never Happen In Star Trek
1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.
2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly alright.
3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a funny hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.
6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without a serious incident.
8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise’s computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweets.
12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called “Paradise” where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone’s satisfaction.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn’t tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
16. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.
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How To Order A Pizza
1. Start your order with “I’d like. . . “. A little later, slap yourself and say “No, I don’t.”
2. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say “OK. That’ll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.”
3. Rent a pizza.
4. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
5. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
6. Put the accent on the last syllable of “pepperoni.” Use the long “i” sound.
7. Have your pizza “shaken, not stirred.”
8. Say “Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say “Well, so is this! You’ve got some explaining to do!” When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, “Do you know what it’s like to be lied to?”
9. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
10. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
11. Imitate the order taker’s voice.
12. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
13. When they say “What would you like?” say, “Huh? Oh, you mean now.”
14. Play a sitar in the background.
15. Say it’s your anniversary and you’d appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
16. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
17. Ask to see a menu.
18. Quote Carl Sandberg.
19. Say you’ll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
20. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
21. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
22. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
23. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
24. Shout “I’m through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!”
25. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say “Where was I? Who are you?”
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The Wit And Wisdom of Homer J. Simpson
*”Now son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs.”

*”Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.”

*”You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.”

*”Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.”

*”If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”

*”To alcohol! The cause of – and solution to – all of life’s problems!”

*”I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, ‘The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.’”

*”I want to share something with you – the three sentences that will get you through life: Number one, ‘cover for me.’ Number two, ‘oh, good idea, boss.’ Number three, ‘it was like that when I got here.’”

*”Marge, you’re as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.”

*”Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. ‘Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.’”

*”Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.”

*”Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else – and it hasn’t – it’s that girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.”

*”Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.”

*”Stealing! How could you? Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn’t hear anybody laughin’, did you?”

*”Television – teacher, mother, secret lover!”

*”Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘sir’ without adding, ‘you’re making a scene.’”
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Bad Corporate Slogans
These are fabricated corporate slogans that would never have made if far if they entered the real world.
1. Microsoft: “How much are you going to pay today?”
2. MTV: “Loud and easy to spell.”
3. Saks 5th Avenue: “You Could Shop Here If You’re Poor, But That Would be Stupid!”
4. Iguana: “The other green meat.”
5. Nike: “Just buy the shoes, you flabby spineless lump!”
6. Daisy Air Rifles: “Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years.”
7. Canon Photocopiers: “Quit calling them Xeroxes!”
8. Apple: “Hey, we thought of it first!”
9. Radio Shack: “You’ve got questions, we’ve got geek losers!”
10. Professional Bowling on NBC: “Oh, why don’t you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?”
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Notes To The Milkman
Dear Milkman…
• I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.
• Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk.
• Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
• Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby, and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
• Sorry about yesterday’s note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way ’round.
• When you leave my milk, knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
• Please knock. My TV’s broken down, and I missed last night’s Sopranos. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened?
• My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver, or do I have to shake the bottle?
• Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbor told me.
• Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
• From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.”
• My back door is open. Please put milk in ‘fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight.
• Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday … or is it today?
• When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out, and put newspaper inside the screen door.
P.S. Don’t leave any milk.
• No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
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Signs That You Drink Too Much...
• You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
• You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
• Job interfering with your drinking.
• Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
• Career won’t progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
• The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
• Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
• 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence?? – I think not!
• Two hands and just one mouth…now THAT’S a drinking problem!
• You can focus better with one eye closed.
• The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
• Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
• Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
• Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
• At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
• Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
• You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. – hmmm.
• The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…
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Universal Truths According To Movies And Television
Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the refrigerator door and use that light instead.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames or explode.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a baseball stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Although in the present day it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. It only wastes time.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
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Chemist's Last Words
1. And now the taste test.
2. Is that supposed to become hot?
3. And now a little bit from this…
4. … and please keep that test tube alone!
5. And now shake it a bit.
6. Why is there no label on this bottle?
7. In which glass was my mineral water?
8. The bunsen burner is out right?
9. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
10. ‘H’ stands for Nitrogen – and that does ‘not’ burn…
11. Uh Oh, I think I just spilt something…
12. First the acid, then the water…
13. And now the detonating gas problem.
14. This is a completely safe experimental setup.
15. Where did I put my gloves?
16. O no, wrong beaker…
17. The fire alarm is just being tested.
18. Now you can take the protection window away…
19. And now keep it constant at 24 degrees Celsius, 25… 26… 27…
20. Peter can you please help me. Peter!?! Peeeeeteeeeer?!?!?!?
21. Has it been 15 seconds yet?
22. Something is wrong here…
23. Where did all those holes in my kettle come from?
24. Trust me – I know what I am doing.
25. And now a cigarette…
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Top Ten Country Western Songs
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain’t Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me
7. I’ve Missed You, But My Aim’s Improvin’
6. Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dogfight ‘Cause I’m Scared She’d Win
5. I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like You’re Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring And Gave Me The Finger
2. She’s Lookin’ Better With Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is…
1. It’s Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day
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Books On Tape We Will Never Hear
• The Torah as read by Louis Farrakhan
• The Koran as read by Sammy Davis Junior
• The Anarchist’s Cookbook as read by Theodore Kaczinsky
• How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman
• Europe on $10 a Day as read by Steve Forbes
• The Godfather as read by John Gotti
• Mr. Boston’s Bar Guide as read by Ted Kennedy
• Heather has 2 Mommies as read by Jesse Helms
• The Physician’s Desk Reference as read by Dr. Jack Kevorkian
• Catcher in the Rye as read by Mark Chapman
• Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus as read by 2 Live Crew
• Presumed Innocent as read by OJ Simpson
• Bridges of Madison County as read by Howard Stern
• I’m Ok You’re Ok as read by Rush Limbaugh
• The Pledge of Allegiance as read by Osama Bin Laden
• Thirty Days to a Stronger Vocabulary by Homer J. Simpson
• Success for Dummies as read by Ross Perot
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Fun Things To Do On A Blind Dates
Most of these dates are bad from the start so you might as well have some fun with it.
1. Eat everything on your plate within seconds of it being placed in front of you.
2. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her “What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?”
3. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
4. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
5. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
6. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
7. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
8. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
9. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
10. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
11. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
12. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements… i.e anything on the table that isn’t bolted down.
13. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
14. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
15. Auction your date off for silverware.
16. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
17. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you “never got”. When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
18. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
19. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
20. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
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Top Reasons Why It's Great To Be American
• You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
• You can call Budweiser beer
• You can be a crook and still be president
• If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything
• If you can breathe you can get a gun
• You can invent a new public holiday every year
• You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
• You get to call everyone you’ve never met “buddy”
• You can think you’re the greatest nation on earth without ever going to any other nation.
• You can get a pizza within minutes of ordering.
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Excuses, Excuses
If you think that today’s students aren’t learning all they should, check out some of the writing by their moms and dads. The following are actual excuse notes received by teachers.
“My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today,” wrote a parent. “Please execute him.”

“Please excuse Mary for being absent,” wrote another parent. “She was sick and I had her shot.”

Dear School:
• Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
• Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
• Pleazse excuse Roland from P.E. for a few day. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
• John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
• Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
• Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very close veins.
• Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
• Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
• Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (several misspellings of diarrhea crossed out) the shits.
• Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
• Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.
• Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
• I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.
• Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forget to get the Sunday paper off the porch. and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
• Please excuse my son’s tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not find him till I started making the beds.
• Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a funeral.
• My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marine’s.
• Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
• Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
• Please excuse Burma, she had been sick and under the doctor.
• Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be the flu going around school, her father even got hot last night.
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Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much
10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth’s axis.
7. Right this minute you’re laughing up pie on the carpet.
6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
5. World’s fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to “back off!”
4. Even people at Wal-Mart say your fat.
3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
1. You’re sweating’ gravy.
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For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
14. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever – so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23. My mind is like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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Ways To Terrify A Telemarketer!
Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down

Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your Momma?”

Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Now you know how I feel!” Say good bye and hang up.

After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give our credit card number to a complete stranger.

Tell the telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in a SINISTER voice , “I don’t have any friends…. would you be my friend?”

Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

When they ask “How are you today?” Tell them! “I’m so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems
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25 Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard
25. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
24. Kirk never really got into that kinky “Jumpsuit” look.
23. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
22. One Word: Hair.
21. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
20. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
19. Kirk doesn’t wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
18. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
17. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
16. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
15. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
14. When Kirk was Picard’s age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.
13. Kirk’s first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
12. Kirk doesn’t rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
11. Ever hear of a bar shooter called “Make it so?” No? How about a “Beam me up Scotty” then? See the difference?
10. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
9. Picard hasn’t fathered any children; Kirk — probably millions.
8. Kirk has a cool phaser — not some pansy Braun mix-master.
7. Two Words: Line Delivery.
6. Kirk’s bridge is not beige.
5. Picard likes wimpy violin music — and coerces Data into playing it.
4. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.
3. Kirk never once, ever, wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.
2. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.
1. When Kirk says “Boldly Go,” he MEANS it!
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More Funny Outgoing Phone Messages
I can’t come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

Hello, this is the Brown residence. We’re in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can’t come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange … mother … unicorn … I’ll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

This is Dr. Ruth, Sexually Speaking; you’re on the air…

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Hi, this is George. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.

I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
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You Might Be A Nurse If...
• when using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
• when you tell a man you meet for the first time you’re a nurse, you’re expected to laugh hysterically when he asks you for a sponge bath, as if it was the most original and wittiest thing you’ve ever heard.
• your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient’s bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.
• everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and pain they have.
• you want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.
• you can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
• you can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spaghetti with lots of tomato sauce.
• you use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shot glass.
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How To Be A Cultist
Recently, the Society For Evil Overlords has noticed a regrettable decline in the availability and quality of fanatical henchmen, evil priests, and willing sacrificial victims. We wish to correct this growing problem by submitting the following general guidelines for Cultists.
Recently, the Society For Evil Overlords has noticed a regrettable decline in the availability and quality of fanatical henchmen, evil priests, and willing sacrificial victims. We wish to correct this growing problem by submitting the following general guidelines for Cultists.

1. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of the amateur.
2. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your deity’s name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.
3. Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
4. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight — it attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, various supernatural creatures, and can be downright dangerous during thunderstorms.
5. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel-colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like beacons to the Powers of Darkness.
6. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cabfare, condoms, and change.
7. NEVER be the cultist that goes to rough up the hero(s). Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going ’round to beat up the good guys is a sure route to the bottom of the Thames.
8. When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.
9. Don’t gloat.
10. If you can’t resist gloating, don’t reveal your plans.
11. If you do gloat and reveal your plans, don’t leave the hero(s) to die slowly. They don’t.
12. If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the hero(s) to die slowly, don’t have the audacity to look surprised when they turn up at the last moment to foil your evil plot.
13. The hero (or heroes) will always show up at the last possible moment to foil your plans. With this in mind, start half an hour early — they hate that.
14. Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample concealment.
15. Never screw anything whose genetic structure you are not absolutely comfortable with.
16. Never admit to screwing anything whose genetic structure you are not absolutely comfortable with.
17. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of cultists could be saved every year if they’d just remember this simple safety tip.
18. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.
19. During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally considered “bad form.”
20. Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims before the ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity have never been witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.
21. Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the shit comes down, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to throw the holy water on and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good hot bath.
22. Never play strip Tarot.
23. Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature can stand against one who is true to his faith, his God, and his own soul. However, it is also true that the Gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be prepared change sides at the drop of a hat.
24. For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just not feasible (or even possible), the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously-frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from Spam(tm) is right out.
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Sayings That Should Be On Those Office Inspirational Posters:
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time so you don’t have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.


Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
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Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
Consider exactly what you might do, if you’re undergoing surgery, and ya kinda half wake-up and hear…
• Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy
• Someone call the janitor — we’re going to need a mop
• Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness
• Bo! Bo! Come back with that… Bad Dog!!!
• Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
• Hand me that… uh… that… uh… thingie
• Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
• Damn, there go the lights again…
• Ya know, damn good thing this guy’s got two kidneys
• Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!!!
• Could you stop that thing from bleeding so damn much. I can’t see a thing
• I just can’t seem to concentrate today
• What’s this doing way over here?
• Don’t ya just hate it when they’re missing stuff in here???
• Hey, that’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?
• I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses
• Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us
• Sterile, schmerill. The floor’s clean, right?
• What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change?
• Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
• And now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape
• OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature
• This patient already had some kids, am I correct?
• Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
• Don’t worry. I think it’s sharp enough
• It’s gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
• FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out, quickly!
• Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
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You Know Your Not Cool Anymore When...
• You find yourself listening to talk radio.
• You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
• The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
• You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
• You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
• You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
• You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
• You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
• When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
• When jogging is something you do to your memory.
• Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
• All the cars behind you flash their headlights.
• You remember the “Rolling Stones” as a rock group not a corporation.
• You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son’s new running shoes.
• You actually ASK for your father’s advice.
• You don’t know how to operate a fax machine.
• When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.
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Ladies Bumper Stickers
1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God made us sisters, prozac made us friends.
3. If they don’t have chocolate in heaven, i ain’t going.
4. My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
5. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
6. Coffee, chocolate, men … Some things are just better rich.
7. Don’t treat me any differently than you would the queen.
8. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
9. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
10. I’m out of estrogen – and i have a gun.
11. Guys have feelings too. But like…Who cares?
12. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
13. And your point is?
14. Warning: i have an attitude and i know how to use it.
15. Of course i don’t look busy…I did it right the first time.
16. Do not start with me. You will not win.
17. You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.
18. All stressed out and no one to choke.
19. I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.
20. How can i miss you if you won’t go away?
21. Sorry if i looked interested. I’m not.
22. If we are what we eat, i’m fast, cheap and easy.
23. Don’t upset me! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies
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Things That Sound Dirty In A Football Broadcast, But Aren't
20. The hole closed on him before he was able to penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. It’s a game of inches.
17. He’s off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just have to start pounding it.
14. He’ll be feeling that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He needed to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration into the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (at the line).
1. He has great hands.
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Learn How To Speak Chinese
Learn how to speak Chinese in no time at all. It is helpful to say the following out loud for full understanding….
1. That’s not right……………………………..Sum Ting Wong
2. Are you harboring a fugitive?………..Hu Yu Hai Ding
3. See me ASAP……………………………….Kum Hia Nao
4. Stupid man…………………………………..Dum Fuk
5. Small horse………………………………….Tai Ni Po Ni
6. Did you go to the beach?………………Wai Yu So Tan
7. I bumped into a coffee table………….Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8. I think you need a face lift………………Chin Tu Fat
9. It’s very dark in here……………………….Wao So Dim
10. I thought you were on a diet………….Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11. This is a tow away zone……………….No Pah King
12. Our meeting’s scheduled for next week……Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13. Staying out of sight……………………….Lei Ying Lo
14. He’s cleaning his automobile………Wa Shing Ka
15. Your body odor is offensive………….Yu Stin Ki Pu
16. Great!……………………………………………Fa Kin Su Pah!
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You Are An EMS If...
1. You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain.
2. You believe a “Supreme Being consult” is your patients only hope.
3. You want the lab to order a “dumb shit profile”.
4. You have been exposed to so many X-rays that you consider radiation a form of birth control.
5. You believe your patient is demonically possessed.
6. You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from symptom onset (“You’ve had the pain for three weeks…well have a seat in the waiting room and we’ll get to you in three days”).
7. You know the phone number to the local Detox Center by heart.
8. You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food.
9. You carry your own set of keys to the “leathers”.
10. Your idea of gambling is a blood alcohol level pool instead of a football pool.
11. Your bladder expands to the same size as a Winnebago’s water tank.
12. Your feet are slightly flatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone’s.
13. Your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack squirrels in the backyard.
14. You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol.
15. Your idea of an X-ray prep is a second dose of Haldol.
16. Your idea of a CT prep includes Norcuron and a vent.
17. You have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over by a portable X-ray machine.
18. Your shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, OSHA, the EPA, or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.
19. You’re able to tell the difference between a medical order and the ground around a poultry farm.
20. You’ve been chipping away at your Bachelors Degree for longer than most people take for a Doctorate.
21. Your idea of thawing the holiday turkey consists of an IV and warmed saline. (and if the holiday turkey you usually see has arms instead of wings and is sauced instead basted)
22. You have every referred to subcutaneous emphysema as “Rice Krispies”.
And finally:
23. You might be an EMS professional if you find any of this funny!
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Los Alamos Secured
The Los Alamos National Lab in New Mexico, a supposedly high-security nuclear weapons facility, had a series of infamous screw-ups in where top secret information had been misplaced or stolen.
Top attempts to tighten security at the Los Alamos lab include…

18. Ask Napster to kindly remove all Los Alamos nuclear secrets from the download share list.
17. All researchers are given amnesia-producing mallet blow each night, memory-restoring mallet blow the next morning.
16. All documents will now be encrypted in the new, unbreakable “Ig-pay Atin-lay” format.
15. Hard drives now equipped with Lojack tracking systems.
14. “Accidental” radiation leak turns regular security guards into meaner, tougher mutant security guards.
13. Barkless Basenji guard dog replaced with out of work Taco Bell Chihuahua.
12. Cease giving out day passes over the radio to the “15th foreign national who calls right now!”
11. Janitors Boris and Mao swear that “Jake the Security Guard is a commie bastard. Start there, comrade!”
10. Immediately suspend “you break it, you bought it” policy on hard drives.
9. Chinese take-out no longer a lunch option.
8. All communication in secured areas must now be done in Klingon. Added benefit: the scientists are thrilled!
7. a) “Accidentally” leave plans for latest weapon by the office water cooler. b) First country to utilize a $5 billion Fart Bomb clearly the guilty party.
6. Cafeteria Happy Meals no longer include a free ZIP disk.
5. Visitors answering the guard’s challenge with “Foe” now required to sign guest book before entry.
4. Security guards limited to one “WHAAZZZUUP!” walkie-talkie conversation per hour.
3. Finally allow Chief of Security Barney Fife to load his gun.
2. “Shave and a Haircut” knock replaced with more secure “My Sharona” knock.
1. From now on, all security guards must pass the new “Your Ass From a Hole in the Ground” test.
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Signs Your Cow Has Mad-Cow Disease
• Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
• She refuses to let you milk her, saying “Not on the first date.”
• Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
• Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
• Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow’s body.
• Your cow demands to be branded with the ‘Golden Arches Logo’.
• Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
• Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
• Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
• She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
• Your cow joins the Hell’s Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.
• Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.
• Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting “MOO” backwards.
• Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.
• Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells “Bull’s-eye”!
• Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you’ll wear something sexy this time.
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Confucius Say...
Confucius Say:
It’s ok to let a fool kiss you, but don’t let a kiss fool you.

Confucius Say:
A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.

Confucius Say:
It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.

Confucius Say:
Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy

Confucius Say:
Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax, doesn’t know if he’s coming or going.

Confucius Say:
A drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.

Confucius Say:
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.

Confucius Say:
Viagra is like Disneyland … a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

Confucius Say:
It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius Say:
A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don’t get it.
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