Friday Fun Stuff – 9-19-25

How Different Countries Teach History

Family Vacation to Uranus!

10 Reasons To Date An EMT:

10) We are used to staying up all night
9) We are good with multiple partners
8) We are experts in mouth to mouth
7) We are the best in rapid clothing removal
6) We have our own multi-positional bed
5) We shock the socks off of you
4) We always come when we are called
3) We are prepared for any rhythm
2) We are familiar with latex and restraints
1) Anytime, anywhere, anyway you need us

Because We Have To Have Some Exceptions

In a Zoom meeting, do not interrupt me unless:
You brought Starbucks and an emotional support dog
Taylor Swift is paying me a sympathy visit like she does sick kids in a hospital
You have tacos and/or margaritas

A Few … Ahem, Facts About Marines

A MARINE and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the
outside of his pants.

Most MARINES have a grizzly bear carpet in their room…the bear isn’t dead; it’s just afraid to move.

The MARINES have already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life.

Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell MARINE CORPS stories.

A MARINE can cut through a hot knife with butter.

Death once had a near-MARINE experience.

The MARINES are the reason why Waldo is hiding.

A MARINE can slam a revolving door.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for US MARINES.

A MARINE once kicked a horse in the chin… Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.

A MARINE once got bit by a rattle snake. After three days of pain and agony — the rattle snake died.

I Have Some . . . Friends That Should Use This

While eating my lunch at McDonald’s I noticed a boy staring at me. He then walked up and said, “why are you so ugly?”

I whispered, “I’m not supposed to tell, but I came back in a Time Machine. I’m YOU, from the future.”

Food Spoilage Test

Whether you are a mom who cooks for many, a bachelor who cooks on rare occasions for himself or a new college student who for the first time has his or her own refrigerator – you will eventually all open the fridge one day and say to yourself, “Can I eat this or will it kill me?

Well here are some guidelines to help you get through the crisis, so you will know what to eat and what to toss.

THE GAG TEST ———— Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS —- When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS ————— Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can’t get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you’ve never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE ———– If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS ————- Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled – (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES —————- This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

MEAT —- If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD —– Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots” that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR —– Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

LETTUCE ——- Lettuce is spoiled when you can’t get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. (We didn’t think you needed guidance with this one)

CANNED GOODS ————– Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS ——- A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS ——– Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES ——– If it looks like it is ready for planting, toss it.

CHIP DIP ——– If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS —————– Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS: ————– You know it is well beyond prime when you’re tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: ———————– Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

Modern Practical Jokes

My neighbor has an unsecured wireless printer.

I just sent this document to it.

Hello. I am your printer. I have become self-aware. Feed me ink or I’ll print out your search history when your wife is home alone.

Fun Ways To Interrupt A Zoom Meeting

Staged Interruptions:
• The delivery guy:
Walk to the front door (while still on camera) and ring the doorbell. Answer it and say, “Oh no, that must be the Amazon guy with the purple hula hoop I ordered!” before leaving the call.
• The pet invasion:
Frame a pet, like a dog or cat, to appear as if it is the person attending the meeting. The pet can wear a tiny hat or glasses to make it look even more official.
• A sudden calamity:
Have a friend or family member enter the room frantically and shout about a disaster, such as a “raging stampede of wild buffalo” or an “alien invasion”.
• The disappearing illusion:
Spin around in the chair, stare off-screen with the mouth agape, and say something like, “Oh my god, what in the name is that…” before abruptly exiting the call.

Bizarre And Elaborate Excuses:
• A cooking catastrophe:
Explain that a pet dog has somehow turned on the stove and it is necessary to go investigate.
• A rogue PowerPoint:
Explain that the presenter is being held hostage by a PowerPoint presentation that has taken over the computer.
• The furniture sale:
Claim that the buyer for the furniture listed on Craigslist just showed up unannounced.
• The lost stapler:
Apologize for being distracted because you are still looking for the lost stapler.

Tech-Related “Issue”:
• The phantom error message:
Share the screen to reveal a fake error message that says, “Your computer is stuck in an endless Zoom call”.
• The over-the-top excuse:
Blame solar flares, or say that bourbon was accidentally spilled on the laptop and it has to be put in a container of rice for 24 hours.
• The frozen screen:
Freeze the video (and yourself) in a ridiculous pose, like you are in the middle of eating a bowl of pasta or staring up at a fan.
• The audio trouble:
Start talking, but mouth the words instead of making any sound. If anyone asks, use the hands to signal that the microphone is broken.

Nice Fire Engine

A fireman was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fireman’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fireman walked over to take a closer look and said, “That sure is a nice fire engine.”

The little girl replied, “Thanks.”

The fireman looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles. The fireman said, “Little partner, I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”

The little girl paused for a moment then replied, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

Things To Say To Someone Who Has Never Needed Meds

“If you take medication for that, you’ll be taking medication all your life!!”

Yeah, and?

Bud, I already put on my glasses every morning. it’s like, a condition of mine, not a side hobby I’m pursuing irresponsibly.

Oh don’t worry I’m not ‘dependent’ on drugs, I just happen to like it when my brain works every day

And if I start eating food now and you’ll be eating food your entire life.

I know, my friends, become addicted to water. It will take hold of you, and you will resent its absence.

Will I Live To See 100?

Here’s something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age. (I just turned “seventy-ish”).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him,

‘Do you think I’ll live to be 100?’

He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

‘Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’

Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?

‘I said, ‘Not much… my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’

‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?

‘No, I don’t,’ I said.

He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?’

‘No,’ I said…

He looked at me and said, ‘Then, why do you even give a shit?’

It Was Always Like This