If Movies Were Gender Swapped
Dentist – Cyanide & Happiness Shorts
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes.
These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course…
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget!
Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!
You gotta love this one even if you’ve never lived in the South. Southerners can be so polite!
Atlanta ATC: ‘Tower to Saudi Air 511 — You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R
Saudi Air: ‘Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel’s runway 9R – Allah be Praised.’
Atlanta ATC: ‘Tower to Iran Air 711 –You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R.’
Iran Air: ‘Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel’s runway 9R. -Allah is Great.’
Saudi Air: ‘ ATLANTA ATC – ATLANTA ATC!
Atlanta ATC: ‘Go ahead Saudi Air 511.’
Saudi Air: ‘YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!’
Atlanta ATC: ‘Well bless your hearts. And praise Je sus. Y’all be careful now and tell Allah ‘hey’ for us –
Male Drinking Habits
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.
• Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.
• Good Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
• Wine: He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
• Whiskey: He doesn’t give two shits about anything but getting laid.
• Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I’m gonna go shag something.
• White Zin: He’s gay.
They Walk Among Us
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the Money back ….same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said ‘buy one-get one free.’ ‘They’re already buy-one-get-one-free,’ she said, ‘so I guess they’re both free’. She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.
They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, ‘Look at that dead bird!’. Someone looked up at the sky and said, ‘Where’?
They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the north?’ When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, ‘Oh I don’t keep up with all that stuff.’
They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us! And sometimes were related
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?’
They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked Him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. ‘Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.’
They Walk Among Us,
and they Reproduce,
and Worst of all
And that’s how Trump got elected!
Equal But Not The Same
“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there.
3. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long – not because they look nice – but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the DVD player after they’ve watched “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie three times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
Where Did They Go Wrong?
The old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the government officials who had arrived to interview him.
“Chief Running Bear,” one official began, “you have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done.”
The Chief nodded that it was so.
The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”
The Chief stared at the government officials for a minute, and then calmly replied, “When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night have s ex with squaws.”
The Chief leaned back and smiled, “White man dumb enough to think he could improve on that.”
New Laws To Regulate The Hunting & Harvesting Of Attorneys
• 370.01 – Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.
• 370.02 – Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.
• 370.03 – The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.
• 370.04 – It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.
• 370.05 – It is unlawful to shout, “WHIPLASH”, “AMBULANCE”, or “FREE SCOTCH” for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
• 370.06 – It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.
• 370.07 – It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.
• 370.08 – If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.
• 370.09 – It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
• 370.10 – Bag and Possession Limits per day: Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2; Two-faced tort teasers, 1; Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3; Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2; Minutiae-advocating dirt bags, 4. Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act).
• ARS 8007.21 – It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.
Job Interview In Texas
A man seeking to join an East Texas Sheriff’s Department is being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says:
“Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.”
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
“Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit?”
“Great attitude,” says the Sergeant. “When can you start?”
The Top Recently Rejected Saturday Morning Cartoons
“Billy, the Homicidal Smurf.”
“Scooby and Shaggy Go To The Retirement Home.”
“Archie, and the Abscessed Tooth.”
“The Golden Girls meet The Power Rangers.”
“Da Boys in Mister Rogers Neighborhood.”
“The Land of The Lost…The Barney Years.”
“COPS” in full color anime!
• The patient furthest away from the nurses’ station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses’ station.
• You always remember “just one more thing” you need after you’ve gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.
• The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.
• When you cancel extra staff because it’s so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.
• If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on. Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.
• There is always a way, and it usually doesn’t work.
• When management smiles at you, be afraid, very afraid.
• Staffing will gladly send you three aides–but you have to float two of your RNs.
• As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.
• Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you’ve had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.
• You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the supply room. You always remember when you get back to the other end.
• Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn’t doing well.
• Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the boss is watching.
• The more sophisticated the equipment, the longer it takes to get repaired.
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• As soon as you’ve ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with cardiac arrests!