Gettysburg PR – Bob Newhart
The Vomit Solution To Thirsty Men
Congratulations On Graduating
• I know you worked hard for this, but I think Google, Wikipedia, and YouTube deserve an honorary mention too… Congratulations son!
• Congratulations! I may have lost a bet, but I couldn’t be more happy for you. Best of luck for the future, but for now, let’s go grab a drink!
• Now it’s official: you’re too cool for school. Congratulations!
• Now that you’ve graduated, you may be smart enough to work out how to pay your student loans. Congrats!
• Do you realize that now you’re going to get paid to work instead of paying for work!? Congrats!
• Call it graduation, call it a beginning or, in your case, call it a miracle! Congrats buddy!
• Hate to break it to you, but that was the easiest part of your adult life. Congrats!
• Did you ever think this day would come? Yeah, neither did we. Just kidding! Congrats!
• Never forget to thank those who have always been there for you through your class at college: caffeine, instant ramen, and Wikipedia.
• You did it! And never forget your most important thing you learned in college: 24 hours in one day, 24 beers in one case. Congrats!
• School is like toilet roll, you just miss it when it’s gone. Congrats buddy!
• Congrats on meeting the bare minimum job requirements! Just kidding, I’m super proud of you!
• Congratulations on your graduation – you did it! Let me let you in on a little secret: the hard work is far from over, it’s actually just beginning.
• Education is the secret to success. The diploma might help a little, too. Congratulations on your graduation!
• Damn, that’s a very expensive piece of paper. Congratulations on getting that piece of paper!
• Always respect your elders; we graduated without Google. Congratulations!
Disney Divorce Court
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.
“Mickey,” the judge says, “I’m sorry. I can’t grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me.”
“I didn’t say she was insane,” exclaims Mickey. “I said she was fucking Goofy.”
Mae West Quotes That Never Made It Into Her Movies
“My left leg is Christmas & my right leg is New Years. Why don’t you come up & see me between the Holidays?”
“I wouldn’t touch that guy even if he had a 10-foot pole”
Fortune Teller: “There will be a tall dark man in your life”
Mae: “What, only one?”
“A good man is hard to find. A hard man is good to find.”
“There are 10 men downstairs to see you, Mae!”
“I have a headache…Send one away.”
“Do not lead me not into temptation. I know the way.”
Mae to Jail Warden: “I want to see hardened criminals.”
“Don’t keep a man guessing too long. He’s liable to find the answer somewhere else.”
Reporter: “Mae, haven’t you ever been satisfied with one man?”
Mae: “Sure I have, lots of times”
“Well never mind the 6 feet, let’s talk about the 7 inches.
Hat check girl: “Goodness, what lovely jewels!”
Mae West: “Goodness had nothing to do with it, dearie.”
“Remember girls, always treat a man like a fire. If you don’t tend to him, he’s liable to go out.”
“Is that a pickle in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”
“It’s not the men in my life. It’s the life in my men.”
“I used to be Snow White. But I drifted.”
“It is better to be looked over than to be overlooked.”
“Good girls get jewelry and clothes at Christmas…Bad girls get cars and houses.”
Psychiatric Hotline
You have reached our Psychiatric Hotline,
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
More Things You Don’t Want To Hear On A First Date
• I have a third nipple — want to see it?
• Look, I’m all for gender equality, as long as women know their place.
• Where would you like us to be buried?
• You look very different while you’re sleeping.
• Phew, you’re lucky I’m into personality over looks.
• Does anyone know you’re here?
• I only agreed to go on this date because you look like my sister.
• Will you marry me?
• I can’t wait for you to meet my dolls.
• Ah yes. You’ll do just fine.
• My mom was worried you might be a serial killer, I wasn’t worried. What’s the chance two of us on the same date, right?
• Sorry I’m late. I’m still drunk from last night, so it took longer to drive.
• Have you been keeping up with your Kegels?
• What’s your social security number?
• Did you know 50% of all people are into extremely kinky shit?
• It rubs the lotion on it’s skin then it places it in the basket… or else it gets the hose again!
Husband And Wife
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said, “You’re an alphabet wife…A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”
She asks, “What the hell does that mean?”
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot.”
She smiled happily and said, “Oh, that’s so lovely, but what about I, J, K?”
He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
More Of The Genius Of Steven Wright:
1. I intend to live forever … So far, so good.
2. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
3. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
4. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
5. My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
6. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
7. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
8. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
9. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
10. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
11. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
12. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
13. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
14. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
15. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
16. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
17. If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work
Salad
Going to a fast food restaurant for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
More Things You Can Say During Sex And At A Drive Thru Window
• We have a problem. There’s hair in my food.
• Can you put it in a bag for me
• This isn’t what I ordered
• Please pull forward
• Now she wants the nuts
• Excuse me I wanted a whopper
• If it’s taking this long, do you have any other members of the team that can pitch in?
• Pull up into the spot I’ll be right there.
• Give me a second
• Main entrance is closed try the backdoor
• No napkins I lick my fingers
• How about some “SPECIAL SAUCE”
• Why is it sloppy
• HURRY THE F. UP MAN!!!
• You got my order wrong… again
• That’s quick!
• *coughs* ew a pubic hair.
• Did u spit on it first?
• Damn! 30 dollars? For this??
• Come inside please
• Hold the pickle
• Hold on, I’m not finished
• Thank you come again
I Want My Pictures Back
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his Ex-girlfriend with the following note:
“I don’t remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back.”
A navy seal would have mailed it postage due.
| Yeh, I Thought That Was A Great Excuse To |
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| Play It Safe, Just Don’t Tell Me Anything |
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| With The Good Women |
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| So You’d Better Be Nicer To Me! |
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| One Of Them Has A Much Better Result |
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| So That’s What That’s For |
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| Oh Look, They’ve Started To Make Teenager Mannequins |
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| The World Is Ending I Want To Get Married |
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| But Then You Have To Empty It |
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| And All This Time I Thought They Used Their Light Sabers For That |
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