Friday Fun Stuff – 2-9-24

The Ladies Man: Valentine’s Day Advice

The Mad Scientist Ruins Valentine’s Day

Modern Valentine’s

• To the person who strokes my hair, tells me how soft it is, and doesn’t even mind that it’s on my legs.
• Marriage. Equal parts: “I can’t live without you” & “Do you have to breathe like that?”
• I could look at my phone next to you forever
• Of all the weirdos on the internet, you were my favorite.
• Here’s to another year of not smothering you in your sleep, while you snore like a fog horn.
• I love you almost as much as when I take off my bra at the end of day.
• You’re the one I settled for
• I love you so much, if there was a zombie apocalypse, I would kill you last.
• I love you more then pizza, bacon, & ice cream
• Sorry for keeping my crazy to myself until it was too late for you to back out
• Of all the weird things I have found online, you’re by far my favorite
• Roses are red, grass is greener, when I think of you I touch my wiener.
• I can’t believe I deleted tinder for you
• My ass would be all lonely without you touching it all the time
• I love you so much, I’d let you see my browser history
• I hope your Valentine’ s day doesn’t suck as much as those crappy candy hearts.
• It’s pretty cool we’ve been together for however long we’ve been together
• I’m getting tired of calling you my boyfriend what are we twelve? Hurry up and propose already!

Valentine’s Day

Newlyweds
Mushy cards, roses, chocolate, lingerie, dinner reservations at a nice restaurant.

Married 20 years
“You believe they’re charging $7.99 for a card?”
“Eight bucks for a CARD?? Ridiculous!”
“l won’t get you a card if you don’t get me a card.”
“Deal. I don’t want a card. I want an air fryer.”

The Worst Valentine’s Day Cards

I want you…..To put the garbage cans out
Your farts nearly kill me….But I love you anyway
Happy valentine’s…..To the one I want to annoy for the rest of my life
Happy valentine’s…..I wish you still looked at me the way you look at your phone!
I love you unconditionally…….(terms and conditions apply)
Every day I love you more……Except for the other day. You were super annoying then.
I knew you loved me…..When I farted and you didn’t run away
After all these years together… I can’t believe how much I’m not sick of you
Your the one I want to spend the rest of my life with rehashing the same unresolved question….Where do you want to eat?
I really love you…….Even if my resting bitch face says otherwise
Your the one I text when I’m drunk………….That’s love
You are hotter than Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and Johnny Depp put together…. By the way, have you seen my glasses?
You’re the reason I get up in the morning……..Just kidding, I have to pee.
You’ll do………..Bit too late to swap you now.
Hard to believe it all started with……An awkward slightly drunken look across the bar
Your the best thing in my life……….Besides wine
I love you scruffy face…Seriously It’s saved me a lot of money on exfoliating products so thanks for that.
To the love of my life…………..I want to see other people

How To Drum Up Business

A woman walks into a post office and notices a middle-aged, well-dressed man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. As he seals each envelop he sprays it with a puff of perfume.

The woman’s curiosity gets the better of her, so she goes up to the man and asks what he is doing. The man replies, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”

“But why?” she asks.

“Because I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

Wedding Questions And Answers

Q. Is it all right to bring your new girlfriend to the wedding?
A. Not if you are the groom…if you’re the bride then sure!

Q. How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
A. At least one within a week of the wedding.

Q. What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
A. Anything except “Tied to the Whipping Post”.

Q. “When did you know he (or she) was ‘The one’?”
A. “When the paper test strip turned blue”

Q. To the best Man: As a former lover of both the bride and groom, what advice do you have for them?
A. You’ll have to come up with this one on your own.

I Don’t Think Their Talking About Cars

Daughter To Father:
“Dad, there is something my boyfriend said to me that I didn’t understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags, and a fantastic bumper,” the 16-year-old said.

Father’s Response:
“Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, then I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe!”

Electricity Bills Be Like:

Usage Fee: $40.21
Distribution Fee: $152.30
Processing Fee: $75.92
Accessing Fee: $45.21
Transmission Fee: $34.50
Fee Fee: $15.80
Fee Fi Fo fum Fee: $17.75
Might As Well Fee: $5.00
What You Gonna Do Fee: $3.00
Another Dollar Won’t Hurt Fee: $1.00

Well What Did You Think She Was Going To Use It For?

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, and brand of condom she prefers.

‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’

The pharmacist fainted. Wh

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, and brand of condom she prefers.

‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’

The pharmacist fainted.

When You Are Bored Just Think About A Few Things That Don’t Make Sense Like:

1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
2. Which letter is silent in the word “Scent: the S or the C?
3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn’t it be called double V?
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
6. Every time you clean something. you just make something else dirty.
7. The word “swims” upside-down is still “swims”
8. 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
9. If you replace “W” with “T” in “What, Where, and When”, you get the answer to each of them.
10. At a movie theater, which arm rest is your’s?

Nursery Rhymes Updated For The 21st Century

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won ten grand with Claims Direct.

It’s raining, it’s pouring
Of course its global warming.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties
Now he can’t keep his heart rate down
And she’s got diabetes.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon
10,000 volts went up it’s arse
And turned it’s wool to nylon.

Warning! Do Not Do This!