Elmo Gets FIRED
If Disney Cartoons Were Historically Accurate
Top Fatal Things To Say To Your Pregnant Wife
17. “I finished the Oreo’s.”
16. “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs forty pounds.”
15. “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby.”
14. “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever.”
13. “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”
12. “Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons guy.”
11. “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
10. “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
9. “I’m jealous. Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
8. “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
7. “Get your *own* ice cream.”
6. “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
5. “Got milk?”
4. “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
3. “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
2. “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.”
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant…
1. “You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger.”
Application To Date My Daughter
(REVOCABLE AT ANY TIME)
NOTE – This application will be Incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
1. NAME:_____________________ DATE OF BIRTH: _______________
2. HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT: ______IQ: ________GPA: ______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY #: ___________DRIVERS LICENSE #: _________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK:_______________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS: ________________CITY: _________ ZIP ______
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? Yes____ No_______ If NO, explain: ________________________________________________
7. Number of years parents married: ___________
8. DO YOU OWN A VAN? ____ A TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES OR CAMPER SHELL? ____ WATERBED? _____ MOTORCYCLE? _____ TATOO? ____ COLOR ALTERED HAIR? ___ (IF YES TO ANY PART OF #8, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY)
9. In 50 words or less, what does “Late” mean to you? _________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does “DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER” mean to you? _________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does “ABSTINENCE” mean to you? _________________________________________________________
12. What church do you attend? ________________ How often do you attend? ____/ week
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, priest or pastor? ____________
14. Fill in the blanks: Please answer freely – all answers are confidential (That means I won’t tell anyone – I promise):
A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the _____________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my _____________
C. A women’s place is in the __________________
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ____________________
E. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice is _____________________ (NOTE: If the answer to “E” begins with a B, T, or A, discontinue and leave the premises immediately with your head hung low.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _________________________
16. Do you plan to attend a Catholic or Christian College? _________ Which one? ____________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.
_____________________ Signature (That means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (this action will void this application). If your application is rejected you will be notified by two angels wearing red suits and carrying pitch forks. (You might want to start praying now).
New University Promotional Campaigns
BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!!
COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!!
HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do you hate that too? COME TO HARVARD!!!
PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know? How many clubs were you in in high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!
PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot? How about four more years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!!
CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL — The Big Red Tape!!!
DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to drink some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what’s your feeling on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!
M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you hate doing anything that doesn’t involve math? That’s right, math! Math math math math and more math! COME TO M.I.T.!!! PLEASE!!!
BOSTON COLLEGE: If you haven’t figured out how to invent the wheel (but have discovered fire and fire-sticks), don’t know your ass from your elbows (but do know genetic plant structures and genetic recombination enough to produce 24 variants of ‘da weed’ with a garden weasel and a piece of Egyptian chewing gum preserved for 2000 years, enjoy the advantages of indecision (hence being in Boston, but not really), and enjoyed Student Council so much that you NEED TO LIVE IT AGAIN, COME TO BC!!!
SYRACUSE: Hey kids, do you like it when your Chancellor takes all your money and gives it to a private firm to design a new logo and mascot because yours isn’t selling well? Are athletics the only thing that matters to you? Do you believe in money first, students last? Is your idea of a good time learning about the History of the salt trade and the Erie Canal? THEN COME TO SYRACUSE!!!
A Few Jokes For Rednecks
Famous Last Words
Q: What are the famous last words of a redneck?
A: “Hey ya’ll… Watch this!”
If a cow laughs, does milk come out its nose?
Just Say No
You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says, “Just Say No To Crack!” and it reminds you to pull up your pants!
Guide To Staying Stressed
Are you worried now about how to stay stressed? You’ll have no trouble if you practice the following clinically proven methods:
NEVER EXERCISE. Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.
EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT. Hey, if cigarette smoke can’t cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn’t likely to.
GAIN WEIGHT. Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight.
TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS. The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.
AVOID “WOO-WOO” PRACTICES. Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and/or mental imaging help to reduce stress. Be a man! That goes for women too.
GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM. Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that you concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.
PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM. Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don’t take time to listen, be offended, then return the attack!
MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE – BE MACHO. Never ever ask for help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!
BECOME A WORKAHOLIC. Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.
DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS. Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done and then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.
PROCRASTINATE. Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress.
WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN’T CONTROL. Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age, you know, all the big issues.
THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn’t be treated as one.
More Ways To Be Annoying
• Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
• Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
• Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
• Name your dog “Dog.”
• Ask people what gender they are.
• Reply to everything someone says with “That’s what YOU think.”
• Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
• Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot”.
• Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
• While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
• Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
• Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
• Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
• Mow your lawn with scissors.
• Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
• Never make eye contact.
• Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
• Make appointments for the 31st of November.
• At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!”
Customer Service Card On Your Recent Purchase Of A Government Official
Dear Special Interest,
Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine American Government Official[tm]. With regular maintenance your American Government Official[tm] should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services. Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.
1. Which of our fine products did you buy?
__ Cabinet Secretary – Commerce
__ Cabinet Secretary – Other
__ Other Elected Official (please specify)
__ Other Appointed Official (please specify)
2. How did you hear about your American Government Official[tm]? Please check all that apply.
__ TV ad
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__ Shared jail cell with.
__ Former law partner of
__ Unindicted co-conspirator with
__ Texas crony of
__ Procured for.
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__ Recommended by lobbyist
__ Recommended by organized crime figure
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet)
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (Elsewhere)
__ Spoke at fundraiser at my church.
__ Solicited bribe from me.
__ Attempted to seduce me.
3. How do you expect to use your American Government Official[tm]? (Please check all that apply.)
__ Obtain lucrative government contracts.
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__ Obtain diplomatic concessions.
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__ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies/rivals/hated ethnic groups.
__ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors/environmental activist/foreigners.
4. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that apply.)
__ Performance of currently owned model
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5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned American Government Official[tm]? ______
If you answered “yes,” please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.
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__ Resigned in disgrace.
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Thank you for your valuable time.
Always remember: in choosing a American Government Official[tm] you have chosen the best politician that money can buy!
New Summer Seminars For Women
• The Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There
• Life Beyond Shoes
• Money, The Non-Renewable Resource
• How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour
• Why Men Don’t Like Any Of Your Friends
• How To Be A Victim Of Marketing
• How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man
• Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World
• How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag
• Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits
• Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection
• Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks
• Where To Look When Your Auto Is In Reverse
• Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking
• How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother
• Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart
• Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper
• How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking
• Telltales Sounds Associated With Auto Collisions
• Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection
• When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You
• How To Keep ‘Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel
• Talking And Driving: There’s Got To Be A Way
Tips For Success In Business
1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they’re heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss–and you will get caught–your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You’re not a loafer, you’re a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.
3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing– they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s the way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn’t involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is “Ignore my last message. I took care of it.” If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, “Sorry, this mailbox is full”–a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
He didn’t like the casserole
And he didn’t like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard.
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn’t perk the coffee right
He didn’t like the stew,
I didn’t mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the crap out of him…
Like his MOMMA used to do.