Charlie Brown: Blockhead’s Revenge
10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween, But Aren’t…
1. So…What’d you get in the sack?
2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!
3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!
4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!
5. I got the best piece from that house.
6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!
7. Stick your hand in and guess what you’re feeling….
8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!
9. They’ll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.
10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn’t get my mouth around it!
Halloween Costume Complaint
A very vain and bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
“Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.” Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
“Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.” Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:
“Dear Sir, Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your posterior and go as a caramel apple.” Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating Is Better Than Sex
10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go back at it again.
8. The stranger you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave it to you.
6. Person you are with doesn’t fantasize you’re someone else, you already are.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won’t last nine months.
4. If you wear leather and chains, no one thinks you’re kinky.
3. Doesn’t matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning from over-indulging.
1. If you don’t get what you want at one place, you can always go next door to get more!
How To Respond To A Dick Pic
Thank you for the unexpected and unsolicited submission of your penis portrait for our consideration. We regret to inform you that it has failed to pass our most basic standards of quality control at this time. However, for a nominal fee we can offer you a report that will help you change that.
The A4 report, provided via postal service, will include a personalized booklet that cover the following: Why genitals are not an acceptable conversation opener (a step-by-step guide to saying hello); How to appear as though you weren’t raised by wolves; Better ways to deal with your sexual frustration; How to dress your penis for social media (a rough guide to pants) AND Penis reading: a new form of palmistry that may help you unlock the key to your future.
We will also answer questions you might have such as: Do I have too much time on my hands? And why did my penis fail basic standards of quality control? (Note: the number one reason for this occurring is that it is attached to a bigger d**k than itself.) Finally, as a gesture of goodwill we intend to offer two free samples with all of your future penis portrait submissions: An inventive critique of your pride & joy AND A surprise consultation with your closest available family member about your portfolio.
We trust this exciting offer is acceptable and look forward to working with you in the near future.
Top Signs That You’re Too Old to Trick or Treat
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, “What a scary mask!” but you’re not wearing a mask!
5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
and last but not least…
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Do It Yourself
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: You don’t want to try these techniques at home.
“Why not”? asked somebody from the audience.
“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day, I told her, ‘Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once’”?
“Did it save time”? the guy in the audience asked.
“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now, I do it in seven.”
Funny Bumper Stickers
1. That is so five minutes ago!!
2. If You Drink Don’t Park, Accidents Cause People.
3. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
4. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
5. If At First You Don’t Succeed… Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
6. If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
7. Horn Broken … Watch For Finger.
8. If You’re Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
9. You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
10. The Earth Is Full – Go Home
11. I Have The Body Of A God … Buddha
12. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me
13. So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time
14. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
15. The Face Is Familiar But I Can’t Quite Remember My Name
16. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
17. Illiterate? Write For Help
18. Honk If Anything Falls Off
19. Cover Me I’m Changing Lanes
20. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
21. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
Things Dora The Explorer Would Ask You As A Twentysomething
1. ¡Hola! Do you know why I’m paying tuition to work for free at an internship?
2. Can you help me use the map to find a boyfriend who texts me back? ¡Gracias!
3. Can you tell me how all of my friends are buying houses when I can’t even afford a new backpack?
4. Have you seen anyone’s HBO Go password?
5. Do you know why I’m single? What? I CAN’T FU(KING HEAR YOU. LOUDER!
6. Can you cook? GREAT! Let’s date!
7. Do you know how I can get from crippling debt to financial freedom?
8. Is it unethical to go on dates just to be fed for free?
9. How do I stop my friends from getting married without committing a federal crime?
10. Can you tell my backpack is actually a camelback filled with wine?
11. Can you block my ex on all social media platforms for me?
12. How old is too old to be on my parents’ phone plan?
13. How do I stop my Forever 21 clothes from disintegrating when I wash them?
14. Do you know why I thought I’d have a house, a Benz, and a happy marriage at 25?
15. Why are my hangovers getting worse?
16. Help me choose a path on the map: further credit card debt or death by starvation?
17. Do you know if my ex saw my subtweet? ¡Fantástico!
18. Can you check if there’s any more wine leftover in my backpack?
19. Will you yell “no swiping!” when I get on Tinder drunk?
20. What skills do I have that I can make a career out of?
21. …What was that? You can’t think any skills I have that I can turn into a career? THINK HARDER. HARDER, DAMMIT! (ALSO, FU(K YOU! WHO ASKED YOU?)
22. I really just want to get laid. Can you do that for me? Vámonos, amigos!
23. Oh no! We’re in Bad Credit Quicksand! Can you help get me out or am I just fu(ked?
24. Will you ask my parents for more money? They already gave me all of their retirement.
25. Which di(k pic do you think I should respond to? Thanks for helping!
26. Can you tell me why I majored in communications?
27. Did you notice the ketchup stain on my shirt? Yes? ¡Mierda!
28. How necessary is health insurance?
29. Can you tell my apartment is furnished with the discounted furniture from Ikea?
30. Do you hear something? You do? It’s my phone? Oh no! It’s my college calling for money!
31. Will you help me block my college from calling me again? You will? Great!
Fun Things In The Elevator
• Make race car noises when people get on and off.
• Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
• Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, “Shut up Dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!”
• Whistle the first 7 notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
• Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
• On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
• Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, “Got enough air in there?”
• Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
• Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
• When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
• Lean over to another passenger and whisper, “Ever had a Wet Willy?”
• Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you “Admiral.”
• One word: Flatulence!
• On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
• Do Tai Chi exercises.
• Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on.”
Signs Your Marriage Is In Trouble
10. To match your his ‘n hers closets, you have his ‘n hers bedrooms.
9. Your wife watches the TV show “Divorce Court” 4 times a day.
8. While getting your oil changed, the service person tells you that your brake line has been cut.
7. Sex nights are scheduled for the first Saturday evening of each month in the commercial between the weather forecast and the late night sports show.
6. You have the local Crisis Center on your speed dial.
5. Your in-laws are placing bets on who will get the house.
4. She expresses her concern that the stock market is in trouble and offers to cash out your stocks and transfer the money to her special bank account in Switzerland.
3. She bothers you about not being enough of a risk-taker, and encourages you to look into bungie jumping and snorkling with the sharks.
2. Your wife has commissioned a special painting of you, inside the toilet bowl.
1. She no longer reads novels in bed. Instead she stays up late studying the small print on your life insurance policy.