The Reason Why We Have Fake News
Visit With Grandma – MADtv
Celebrity Bitching
“Can’t act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.”
- Anonymous screen test about Fred Astaire
“A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstein but with the attention span of Daffy Duck.”
- Tom Shales talking about Robin Williams
“When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor’s Orphanage – he shot both his parents and moved in.”
- Bob Hope talking about Jack Benny
“Martin’s acting is so inept that even his impersonation of a lush seems unconvincing.”
- Harry Medved on Dean Martin
“Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress.”
- Joan Rivers
“He moves like a parody between a majorette girl and Fred Astaire.”
- Truman Capote on Mick Jagger
“Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper.”
- Rex Reed talking about Marlon Brando
“Spielberg isn’t a filmmaker, he’s a confectioner.”
- Alex Cox on Steven Spielberg
“What makes him think a middle aged actor, who’s played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?”
- Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood’s bid to become mayor of Carmel
“She is closer to organized prostitution than anything else.”
- Former singer with the Smiths, Morrissey talking about Madonna
“She was good at being inarticulately abstracted for the same reason that midgets are good at being short.”
- Clive James also talking about Marilyn Monroe
“I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was – an Arctic region covered with ice.”
- Steve Martin
“A plumber’s idea of cleopatra.”
- W. C. Fields talking about Mae West
Grandma Search May Be Old But It’s Hacker Proof
Laugh all you want.
My Encyclopedia Britannica set will never reveal my search history.
Idle Thoughts
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it
I had amnesia once—or twice
I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horse’s sidesaddle.
What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
How can there be self-help “groups”?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.
Is it me –or do Buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Beware Greeks Bearing Gifts
FROM: laocoon@d…
TO: all
SB: Greeks bearing gifts
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!
The “gift” is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.
DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children.
If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.
FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
Poseidon
————————-
FROM: hector@s…
TO: laocoon@d…
RE: Greeks bearing gifts
Laocoon,
I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I’ve seen variants on this warning come through on other list serves, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the “Midas Touch.”
Here are a few tip offs that this is a hoax:
1. This “Forward this message to everyone you know” crap. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?
2. Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.
3. It’s signed “from Poseidon.” Granted he’s had his problems with Odysseus but he’s one of their guys, isn’t he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.
4. Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.
Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you’ve been around the block a couple times you’ll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.
Bye now,
Hector
Legal Truisms
Justice: A decision in your favor.
Lawyer says client is not that guilty.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
Laws are like cobwebs which may catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets break through
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
On a bill from lawyer, typed by his secretary: Bull rendered: $500.
Lawyer: A cat who settles disputes between mice.
Lawyers are like beavers: They get in the middle of the stream and dam it up.
Great Weekend
A balding, white haired man from Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000′ the jeweler said.
The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said ‘There’s no money in that account.’
‘I know,’ said the old man,
‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’
You Might Be A Republican If…
• You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
• You’ve ever referred to someone as “my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend.”
• You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
• You’ve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
• You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “Why don’t we just bomb the sons of bitches.”
• You’ve ever called a secretary or waitress “Honey.”
• You don’t think “The Simpsons” is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
• You don’t let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of “sexual deviance.”
• You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit…
• You scream “Dit-dit-ditto” while making love.
• You’ve argued that art has a “moral foundation set in Western values.”
• You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
• You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
• Vietnam made a lot of sense to you.
• You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
• You’ve ever said, “Clean air? Looks clean to me.”
• You’ve ever referred to Anita Hill as a “lying bitch” while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.
• You spent MLK Day reading “The Bell Curve.”
• You’ve ever called education a luxury.
• You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
• You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
• You own a vehicle with an “Ollie North: American Hero” sticker.
• You’re afraid of the “liberal media.”
• You ever based an argument on the phrase, “Well, tradition dictates….”
• You’ve ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.
• You think all artists are gay.
• You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch “lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn’t want to contribute to society.”
• You’ve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don’t even have shoes
• When people say “Marx,” you think “Groucho.”
• You’ve ever yelled, “Hey hippie, get a haircut.”
• You’ve ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.
• You came of age in the ’60s and don’t remember Bob Dylan.
• You confuse Lenin with Lennon.
What Does Your Daughter Do?
Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging. “My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami,” says Sadie. “She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends.”
Sophie replies, “Yeah, my daughter’s a whore too.”
You’re Overqualified For This Job
The employers were asked to list the “most unusual” questions that have been asked by job candidates.
“What is it that you people do at this company?”
“What is the company motto?”
“Why aren’t you in a more interesting business?”
“What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?”
“Why do you want references?”
“Do I have to dress for the next interview?”
“I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?”
“Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?”
“Will the company pay to relocate my horse?”
“Does your health insurance cover pets?”
“Would it be a problem if I’m angry most of the time?”
“Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?”
“Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?”
“Why am I here?”
Jewish Samurai
Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief
Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish
Samurai.
“Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly.
He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
“What a feat!” said the Emperor.
“Number Two Samurai, show me what you do.”
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.
“That is skill!” nodded the Emperor.
“How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?”
The Jewish samurai, Obi-wan Rabinowitz, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, “What kind of skill is that? The fly isn’t even dead.”
“Dead,” replied the Jewish Samurai.
“Dead is easy. Circumcision… THAT takes skill!”
Sorry no pictures this week, I’ve been having issues with Mail Chimp.
