Buster Keaton Motorcycle Comedy Scene
Brutal Insults That May Require Sunscreen
• I hope they get a heavy diarrhea during the pollen season so that every time they sneeze, they shit their pants in public.
• Every time I do something stupid my dad stares at my mom like he wants a refund.
• Oh, they call her Harley because every old dude in a mid-life crisis has ridden her skanky ass.
• Every year on your birthday your parents go to the zoo and throw stones at the stork.
• One time in middle school I dated a girl for 4 days and when she broke up with me she posted on Facebook “sometimes your knight in shining armor is really just a loser in tinfoil” and to this day that the sickest burn I’ve ever gotten.
• How do you tell someone “You’re very stupid” politely?
• Wisdom has been chasing you, but you have always been faster.
• I hope you know people just tolerate you.
• You’re about as sharp as a bowling ball and twice as dense.
• If you were a spice you would be flour
• It is clear that you have been educated beyond your intelligence.
• You are the human equivalent of a participation award
• If there was a contest for losers, you’d be second
• The human equivalent of a yeast infection.
• You’re not the dumbest person alive but you better pray they don’t die
• If all the village idiots, from all the villages, left their villages, and made their own village, of idiots. In that village, you would be the village idiot.
• You’re everything I expected and less.
• I didn’t have any expectations for you, and you actually managed to be lower than that
• My days of not taking you seriously are definitely coming to a middle.
• Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing.
• You’re as useless as a hand-knit condom
• I expected better. No, that’s a lie, at this point I take it for granted you’ll keep finding ways to disappoint me.
• You are impossible to underestimate
• I wish we were better strangers.
• I wonder if you’d be able to speak more clearly if your parents were cousins instead of siblings.
• You are a living, breathing ad for birth control
• When I said there were no stupid questions, I wasn’t asking you to try to prove me wrong.
Only When It Rains
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. ‘Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!’
‘I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there!’
‘If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!’ she replied. ‘He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!’
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. ‘Do you always run in the nude?’ one asked.
‘Oh yes!’ he replied, gasping in air. ‘It feels so wonderfully free!’
Another runner moved a long side. ‘Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?’
‘Oh, yes’ our friend answered breathlessly. ‘That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!’
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, ‘Do you always wear a condom when you run?’
‘Nope.. just when it’s raining.’
Husband’s Emergency Translator
‘Nothing forget it’
You better figure out what you did wrong.
‘Are you tired’
Please don’t go to sleep. I love talking to you.
Hold me tight, I need a shoulder to cry on.
Get a blanket and cuddle with me.
‘Leave me alone’
Please don’t go.
‘I love you.’
Tell me you love me to.
The wife and I have both made a list of 5 people that we’re allowed to sleep with if we ever get the opportunity.
She picked Johnny Depp, Hugh Jackman, Jeremy Reener, Kiefer Sutherland, and George Clooney.
I just picked her sister, her cousin, her best friend, our next door neighbor, and the drunk chick at the bar.
I can never figure out why she’s mad at me.
What to do when your dinner is interrupted:
- Ask them if they’ve got beer
- Start speaking in tongues
- Tell them that person doesn’t live there anymore. Give them the number of an adult service and tell them that it is her/his new number
- Tell them that you’re not there right now
- Ask them if they accept coupons
- Start selling them something else
- If someone calls soliciting donations, tell them you’re poor and ask for money instead
- Start preaching your religion to them
- Pretend you’re a recording and say “The number you have reached is not in service. Please check the number and dial again, or talk to your operator for assistance. Recording A4.” Extra points for imitating the 3 rising tones at the beginning.
- Try to hypnotize the telemarketer
- Play a recording of a busy signal
- Put on some really annoying music and put the phone up to the stereo.
- Ask the telemarketer if he/she is single. Then try hitting on him/her. Be sure to mention your various medical problems, your fascination with odd smells and your shrine to the Lawrence Welk Show.
- Use one of those voice changers to disguise your voice
- Rap all your replies to the telemarketer’s questions, especially if you’re white.
- Ask the telemarketer if he/she minds if you talk to him/her on the toilet. Then take a plastic Heinz ketchup bottle and squeeze out ketchup repeatedly (if you’re ever used this kind of ketchup you’ll know what kind of sound this makes!!!!!)
The Perfect Name For A Coffee Shop
I Want To Open A Coffee Shop And Call It “FucK Mornings”
And all the drinks can have cute names, like:
“It’s too early for this Shit!”
“My Boss is an Asshole”
“My In-Laws are in Town”
And they all come with a shot of tequila in them.
Things You Do Not Want To Hear From Tech Support
1. “Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?”
2. “…that’s right, not even McGyver could fix it.”
3. “So…what are you wearing?”
4. “Duuuuuude! Bummer!”
5. “Looks like you’re gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap’n.”
6. “Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you’re with ’60 Minutes’. Press 3 if you’re with the FTC.”
7. “We can fix this, but you’re gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.”
8. “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
9. “In layman’s terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.”
10. “Hold on a second… Mom! Timmy’s hitting me!”
11. “Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of ‘Dianetics’.”
12. “Please hold for Mr. Gates’s attorney.”
What Was That Name Again?
Today in Starbucks when I placed my order, I gave the name “Spartacus” as a joke. When they called my name to pick up my order I stood up and yelled, “l am Spartacus!”
Everyone turned to look at me. Then an old man sitting in the comer stood up and yelled, “No. I am Spartacus!”
Then one by one, everyone in the Starbucks stood up and yelled, “I am Spartacus!”
Today’s gonna be a good day.
When Hospital Shifts Are Too Long These Are The Medical Charts
• Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
• The patient refused autopsy.
• The patient has no previous history of suicides.
• Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
• Skin: somewhat pale but present.
Why You Can’t Overdosed On Marijuana
Do you know why nobody has overdosed on marijuana?
Because if you laid out 100 joints and a lighter, and told someone to try and smoke all of ‘em…
By the 4th joint they’ve already lost the lighter, ordered the pizza, cuddled with their dog, and fell asleep.