Jonathan Winters & Robin Williams in one of the funniest moments on Johnny Carson’s show.
MADtv Grand Theft Auto Game Show
Rejected Hallmark Cards
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire.
I noticed your cat. Sorry
You had your bladder removed and you’re on the mends.
Here’s a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
You’ve announced that you’re gay, won’t that be a laugh,
when they find out you’re one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don’t fret about it.
She moved in with me
You totaled your car.
And can’t remember why.
Could it have been
That whole case of Bud Dry?
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Arkansas)
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
So your daughter’s a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it’s really good pay.
Did You Know
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you passed wind consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I’m still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don’t try this at home; maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(Honey, I’m home. What the…?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
Put On Your Seatbelt…
You know you’re in trouble when your friend says:
“Put on your seatbelt… I wanna try something.”
Food Spoilage Test
Whether you are a mom who cooks for many, a bachelor who cooks on rare occasions for himself or a new college student who for the first time has his or her own refrigerator – you will eventually all open the fridge one day and say to yourself, “Can I eat this or will it kill me?
Well here are some guidelines to help you get through the crisis, so you will know what to eat and what to toss.
THE GAG TEST ———— Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS —- When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS ————— Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can’t get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you’ve never purchased that kind.
MAYONNAISE ———– If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS ————- Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled – (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES —————- This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
MEAT —- If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
BREAD —– Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots” that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR —– Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
LETTUCE ——- Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can’t get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. (We didn’t think you needed guidance with this one)
CANNED GOODS ————– Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS ——- A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS ——– Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES ——– If it looks like it is ready for planting, toss it.
CHIP DIP ——– If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS —————– Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS: ————– You know it is well beyond prime when you’re tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: ———————– Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.
Water In The Carburetor
WIFE: ‘There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.’
HUSBAND: ‘Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.’
WIFE: ‘I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.’
HUSBAND: ‘You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?’
WIFE: ‘In the pool.’
Titanic virus…………….Makes your whole computer go down.
Disney virus……………..Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Mike Tyson virus………….Quits after one byte.
Prozac virus……………..Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.
Sharon Stone virus………..Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it’s there.
Lorena Bobbit virus……….Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
Tim Allen virus…………..Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
Woody Allen virus…………Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
Tonya Harding virus……….Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
George Michaels virus……..Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.
Joey Buttafuoco virus……..Only attacks minor files
X-files virus……..All your Icons start shape shifting.
Spice Girl virus………….Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
Ronald Reagan virus……….Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus…..Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
AT&T virus……………….Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI virus………………..Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Martha Stewart virus………Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.
Oprah Winfrey virus……….Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
Pillsbury Dough Boy Dead at 71
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who “never knew how much he was kneaded.”
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife, they have two children and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 2:25 for 20 minutes.
Signs You’ve Chosen A No Frills Airline
• They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.
• All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
• Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
• You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
• Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
• The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
• When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
• The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
• You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, “Just once.”
• No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
• You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.
• All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
Then And Now (for those over 50)
Then: Killer weed
Now: Weed killer
Then: Elvis in the army
Now: Elvis in a UFO
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint
Then: Moving to California because it’s cool
Now: Moving to California because it’s warm
Then: Being called into the principal’s office
Now: Storming into the principal’s office
Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo
Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair
Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux
Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party
Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral
Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund
Then: Passing the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test
Then: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your parents
Now: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your kids
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”
Her mother replied “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, “Momma, how come all of Grandma’s hairs are white?”