Jokes – Red Neck

1. If you take beer to a job interview, bring some for the interviewer too.
2. If they are not wearing a game warden’s uniform, try to identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Don’t use the dead fridges in your front yard for sighting in your guns. They are too close. Use your neighbor’s fridges for that.
6. Even if your certain that you’re included in the will, it’s rude to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.

Dining Out
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
2. Except at the drive-in it’s considered fashionable to take the bottle out of the paper bag.
3. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining Guests
1. For table centerpieces stuffed animals are a lot nicer than road kill.
2. Do not allow the dog to sit on the table … he should sit on a chair or milk crate like everybody else
3. The chair with the most legs is for visitors.

Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of beer money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingers is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
4. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.

Dating (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
3. No matter how real a game warden looks on the screen, don’t shoot in the movie. It gives the person in front of you a terrible ear ache.

Weddings
1. Livestock, is a poor choice for a wedding gift, unless it is yours.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using duct tape. Use pantyhose instead.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not shoot any game while traveling in a funeral procession.
7. It’s OK to put the beer in the air-conditioned hearse, but it is tacky to strap the corpse on the roof to make more room for more beer.
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Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Billy-Joe [_] Billy-Ray [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bubba

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Janitor [_] Still Operator [_] Un-employed

Spouse’s Name: ______________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
Girlfriend’s Name: _______________________________
2nd Girlfriend’s Name: ____________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Mother [_] Cousin [_] Daughter [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mama’s Name: ____________________
Daddy’s Name: ____________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) If you obtained a higher education what was your major? [_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Where do you keep your firearms:
____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse ____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: 194_ 195_ 196_ 197_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Guns and Ammo [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco or snuff you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal [_] Levi-Garrett [_] Copenhagen [_] Days Work [_] Garrett Sweet Snuff [_] Cannon Ball

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don’t know
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1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table…no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say “Monday.”

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
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A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow . . . but she can’t touch it ’till she’s 14.

How do you know when you’re staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say, “I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies …..”Go ahead.”

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Two reasons why it’s so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records

Who invented the toothbrush?
A Redneck!! (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush)

Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

A new Redneck law was just recently passed when a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

Did you hear that the Redneck Governor’s Mansion burned down?
‘Yep. Prit’near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the Governor hadn’t even finished coloring one of them.’

A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver, ‘Got any I.D.? ‘ and the driver replies ‘Bout wut?’
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• Your e-mail address ends in “@over.yonder.com.”
• Your laptop has a sticker that says, “Protected by Smith and Wesson.”
• You’ve ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
• You wire your network with jumper cables.
• Your wife said either she or the computer had to go, and you still don’t miss her.
• You’ve ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink on.
• Three Words: Daisy Duke Screensaver
• Your spell checker knows words like, “Y’all”, “Yonder”, and “Reckon.”
• Your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5″ disk drive.
• Smith & Wesson…the original Point-N-Click interface.
• When you order your new pick-up truck with a gun rack and PCMCIA sockets.
• You only buy from Gate Way, ’cause the cow-colored boxes are a hoot.
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Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do a season series entitled, “Survivor-Texas Style.”

The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville.

They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo.

From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Prius with bumper stickers that read:

“I’m Gay, I Love the Dixie Chicks, Boycott Beef, I Voted for John Kerry, George Strait Sucks, Hillary For President, and I’m here to confiscate your gun”

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
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• You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”
• Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
• You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
• At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
• You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
• The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
• Wookies are offended by your B.O.
• You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.
• You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
• Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”
• You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
• You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
• You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
• You have the doors of your X-wing fighter welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
• Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
• You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
• You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
• You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
• If you hear . . . “Luke, I am your father … and your uncle …”
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Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”

The lady from the South commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.

Again, the lady from the South commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman continued boasting, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Southern lady.

“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “Oh, my God! What on earth for?”
The Southern lady responded, “Well for example, instead of saying “Who gives a shit?” I learned to say, “Well, isn’t that precious”.
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Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, ‘You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?’

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, ‘Everything but my earrings.’

Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned as one, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. ‘Where’s Henry?’ the others asked.

‘Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,’ the successful hunter replied.

‘You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?’ they inquired.

‘A tough call,’ nodded the hunter. ‘But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!’

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.” “Yep,” he replied.
“That’s why I dumpin it here, cause it says, ‘Fine For Dumpin Garbage.’

Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying… ‘When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ‘ When asked why, he replied he’d rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, ‘Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!’

Bubba replied, ‘Did you see who it was?’

The young man answered, ‘I couldn’t tell, but I got his license number.’

Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, ‘Got any I.D.?’

The driver replied, ‘Bout whut?’

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, ‘I have a flat tire.’

The passerby asked, ‘But what’s with the flowers?’

The man responded, ‘When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don’t make no sense to me neither.’

And this from South Carolina
‘You can say what you want about the South, but I ain’t never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.
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Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we’re here to help…

BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH – noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.”

MUNTS – noun. A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts.”

ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR – noun. A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh doesn’t change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.”

BAHS – noun. A supervisor.
Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!”

TAR – noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE – noun. A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willing and the creeks don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

RETARD – Verb. To stop working.
Usage: “My granpaw retard at age 65.”

RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.”

FARN – adjective. Not local.
Usage: “I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.”

JU-HERE – a question.
Usage: “Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys’ coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?”

HAZE – a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert.”

VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”

GUMMIT – Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Great … ANOTHER gummit shutdown!”
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Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin’, cept the lice on muh back.
The Skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were sleepin’, all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I’s on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny’s transmission.

The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin’.
Muh daughter weren’t? home yet, she wuz still out parkin’.

When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin’ sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin’ and sick
I said, “Shoot Fire! That must be St. Nick!

More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called ‘em by name.

Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS!? On ELMER!? On ROSCOE and CLETUS!

From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!

I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole’ Santa looked just like Boss Hog.

He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning’s hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that he’d picked up in ‘Nam.

His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain’t seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid’s stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren’t very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can’t beat the price.

He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.
Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.

When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.

He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
“Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!”

And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
“MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y’ALL… YEE HAWWWW!
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I guy that brings red neck to a whole new level

I got left back in 5th grade so many times, I drove the rest of the class to school with me.

My brothers home got foreclosed on and they made him drive it back to the lot.

I met Hillary Clinton about seven months ago. Talk about strange bedfellows’ right there. And we didn’t even really talk to each other — we kinda just stood next to each other at the urinal for a couple of minutes.

My grandfathers real old. Matter of fact, he had a prostate check — they found an arrow head in there last week. Pretty nervous about it. He’s going to the archaeologist next week.

My brother wants to go on that show ‘America’s Got Talent.’ I’m like, ‘What the hell are you gonna do on there? You ain’t got no talent.’ He’s goes, ‘I can rip a phone book in half with my bare hands.’ ‘You live in a town of 47, you moron….

Went fishing the other day, and I get hammered and I’m like, ‘I gotta take a leak.’ So, I start peeing in the lake — realized I was in the fish tank up at the Red Lobster. Thank God they put some rubber bands on them lobster pinchers, I tell ya…
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Backup – What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.
Bar code – Them’s the fight’n rules down da local tavern.
Bug – The reason you is a giv’n for calling in sick.
Byte – What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
Cache – Needed when you go to da store.
Chip – Yer cusin’s uncle’s mother’s boyfriend’s name.
Terminal – Time to call da undertaker.
Crash – When you go to Junior’s party uninvited.
Digital – The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette – A female Disco dancer.
Hacker – Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.
Hardcopy – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet – Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac – Big Bob’s favorite fast food.
Megahertz – How your head feels after seventeen beers.
Modem – What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
Mouse pad – Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network – Scoop’n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
Online – Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
Rom – Where the pope lives.
Screen – Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
Serial port – A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor – Amtrak’s Employee of the year.
Scsi – What you call your week-old underwear.
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• We don’t keep firearms in this house
• Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
• You can’t feed that to the dog
• I thought Graceland was tacky
• No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe
• Wrasslin’s fake
• Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
• We’re vegetarians
• Do you think my hair is too big?
• I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy
• Honey, these bonsai trees need watering
• Who’s Richard Petty
• Give me the small bag of pork rinds
• Deer heads detract from the decor
• Spitting is such a nasty habit
• I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today
• Trim the fat off that steak
• Cappuccino tastes better than espresso
• The tires on that truck are too big
• I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad
• I’ve got it all on a floppy disk
• Unsweetened tea tastes better
• Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
• My fiancé, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s
• I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl
• Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams
• Checkmate
• She’s too old to be wearing that bikini
• Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
• Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen
• I don’t have a favorite college team
• I believe you cooked those green beans too long
• Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla
• Be sure to bring me my salad dressing on the side
• Elvis who?
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1. Go to O’Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O’Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss and complain.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer (man that’s cheap beer)
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
Total: $1337
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Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but “there is a market for cheap wine”, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: “But the right name is important.”

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity are:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

Bottoms Up!
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A young man and an old man are talking.

“Do you see that barn over there?” the old man says. “I built that barn with my own bare hands in just three days. Do they call me McGee the barn builder? No!”

The young man says, “Yes, sir, but…”

“And do you see that bridge over there?” says the old man. “I built that bridge with my own bare hands in just two days. Do they call me McGee the bridge builder? No!”

“Yes I see, but…”

“and I built that house over there in only three days,” the old man continues. “Do they call me McGee the house builder No! But, I screw just one goat……”
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Last name: ________________

First name (check appropriate box):
[_] Billy-Bob
[_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe
[_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray
[_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue
[_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae
[_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack
[_] Bobby-Beth-Ann

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer
[_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser
[_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed
[_] Dirty Politician

Spouses Name: __________________________
2nd Spouses Name: _________________________
3rd Spouses Name: _________________________
Lovers Name: ____________________________
2nd Lovers Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother
[_] Uncle
[_] Mother
[_] Son
[_] Father
[_] Daughter
[_] Cousin
[_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mothers Name: _______________________
Fathers Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ kitchen
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ shed

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:_________________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] MAXIM
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap World
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow
[_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown
[_] Black
[_] N/A

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] dont know
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1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you’d get an empty beer bottle
3. Occasionally you’d bring up a window that was covered with a hefty bag
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa
5. Instead of ta-da the opening sound would be dueling banjos
6. The Recycle Bin in Winders would be an outhouse
7. Whenever you pulled up the sound player you’d hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling Freebird!
8. Instead of Start Me Up the Winders theme song would be Achy-Braky Heart
9. PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt
10. Microsoft’s programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Bishul C++
11. Winders logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
13. Instead of latte carts we’d have grits carts
14. New Shutdown wav: Y’all come back now, Yah hear?
15. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called “Cuz”
16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans-Am
17. Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse
18. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
19. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill’s a billionaire
20. Spreadsheet software would include examples in inventory dead cars in your front yard
21. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator.
22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
23. Instead of asking “where do you want to go today? It’s more like Hey mister, can I ketch a ridein the back?
24. Free eraser to erase the scribble marks off the screen when using the Note Pad
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Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back t o the bar.

His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’
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1. Your local ambulance is a mule driven buckboard with a spinning lantern.
2. Nurses wear flour sacks for uniforms.
3. Dogs hang around the local hospital’s O.R. for scraps.
4. Maternity Room is a do-it-yourself with fresh straw, a jack knife and a string.
5. The anesthesiologist is in bib overalls and feeds you a clear liquid out of a mason jar.
6. Your Gynecologist is Ernest.
7. Your Proctologist, who watched Deliverance 200 times, asks you if can squeal like a pig.
8. The surgical instruments at your local hospital include a stick of dynamite and a chain saw.
9. Immunizations are worn fanny-packs, full of lizard’s feet, owl’s beaks and pig’s ears.
10. Double By-Pass Surgery is only done when it’s shown on The Learning Channel.
11. You have a choice of walkers, with or without a gun rack.
12. You share the Recovery Room with a sick cow.
13. The bill is figured either in dollars or chickens.
14. Hospital food consists of picking your own corn on the roof.
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Become a Redneck in 25 Easy Steps: A Manual for Yuppies

Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck?
Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn’t know how?
Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified image, just hollerin’ to get out?
Well, now you can become the redneck you have always wanted to be!
Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That is all you will need to start!

Now follow the 25 easy guidelines in our manual!

Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE.

1) We assume you are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black dress shoes and silk socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex. If you are not dressed like this, stop NOW and continue when you are.

FIRST, untie and remove high-and-mighty fancy executive shoes. Peel off socks. DO THIS NOW! Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so do not deceive yourself; this will be a challenge to a true yuppie executive. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you.

(Note: This will also work with Johnston & Murphy wingtips or those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.)

2) Stuff silk socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can.

3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail! You will be tempted to put them back on – resist this!

4) The following is guaranteed to help bring you off your high horse in a hurry, and into the redneck world! Trust us!

Prop bare feet on desk, with soles facing open office door. Do NOT remove feet from desk, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office.

Remove cufflinks and scratch soles of feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put cufflinks back on.

Use necktie to wipe nose.

Use tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt.

Eat lunch with knife only. Wipe dirty knife on otherwise spotless business suit.

5) Open can of beer. Drink rapidly and belch loudly. Practice! Dribble on business suit. Discarded dress socks may be used to wipe mouth.

6) Place tobacco in mouth; place in back of cheek. Practice spitting streams of tobacco juice on to computer screen, or on polished office floor, or on important presentation, or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit. Brooks Brothers shoes may also serve as spittoon.

Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! See Step #3.

7) Remove necktie, cufflinks, pocket square, tiepin, suspenders and Rolex. Drop all items in garbage can.

8) Strip off uppity expensive business suit, starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss in garbage can. Add briefcase, cell phone and day-timer. Cut up credit cards and throw away wallet.

9) Put on overalls.

10) Cancel subscriptions to Wall Street Journal and New York Times. Have cable disconnected.

11) If you have not already been fired, quit high-paying job and stop working altogether.

Alternative: become a garbage man or janitor or sling hash in a diner.

12) Make appointment with dentist. Have front teeth removed.

13) Make appointment with surgeon. Have all hair on top of head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back.

14) Shave ONLY twice a week. Be careful to leave stubble at all times.

15) Bathe twice a week.

16) Begin intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all “NG” endings from words – “havin” instead of “having”. Learn to yelp and whoop and holler.

17) Sell Porsche.

18) Buy used pickup.

19) Sell condo.

20) Buy shotgun shack.

21) Give or throw away all remaining business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts, tuxedos and accessories.

22) Sell stocks and bonds and give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to a redneck charity. You will not need money.

23) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss any episodes.

24) Find wrecked car and leave in front of shack.

25) Have name changed legally from “Mark” or “Andrew” or “Kevin” to “Cletus” or “Bubba” or “Jed”.

Congratulations! You, Sir, are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming!

Satisfaction Guaranteed!
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1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain’t in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it’s cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it’s blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut’s in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix’s wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer “C’mon in y’all”
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain’t ‘member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
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How To Speak Southern
Hah Tu Spek Suthun)

BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH – noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.”

MUNTS – noun. A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts.”

IGNERT – adjective. Not smart. See “Auburn Alumni.”
Usage: “Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH – noun. A tool.
Usage: “I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR – noun. A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh doesn’t change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.”

BAHS – noun. A supervisor.
Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!”

TAR – noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn’t
git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE – noun. A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willing and the creeks don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

HOT – noun. A blood-pumping organ.
Usage: “I think I’m having a hot attack!”

HOD – adverb. Not easy.
Usage: “A broken hot is hod to fix.”

RETARD – Verb. To stop working.
Usage: “My granpaw retard at age 65.”

TARRED – adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: “I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred.”

RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.”

LOT – adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: “I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair.”

FARN – adjective. Not local.
Usage: “I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.”

DID – adjective. Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”

EAR – noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: “He can’t breathe … give ‘em some ear!”

BOB WAR – noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JU-HERE – a question.
Usage: “Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys’ coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?”

HAZE – a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert.”

SEED – verb, past tense.
Usage: “Ya’ll seed Jimmy Johnson?”

VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”

HEAVY DEW – phrase. A request for action.
Usage: “Kin I heavy dew me a favor?”

GUMMIT – Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Great … ANOTHER gummit shutdown!”
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10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is “Bubba”.
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On Your Computer…

1. The mouse is referred to as a “critter”.
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• You think barbecue is a verb meaning “To Cook Outside”
• You think Heinz ketchup is spicy
• You can pronounce “Worcestershire Sauce” correctly
• For breakfast, you would prefer home fries to grits
• You don’t know what a moon pie is
• You’ve never had grain alcohol
• You’ve never, ever eaten okra
• You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork
• You’ve never seen a live chicken
• The only cows you’ve seen are from the road in a car
• You have no idea what a polecat is
• Off-color jokes about farm animals, go over your head
• You don’t see anything wrong with a sweater on a poodle
• You don’t have bangs or sideburns
• You’d rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags
• More than two generations of family have been kicked out of prep school
• You’d rather have your son be a lawyer than his own TV fishing show
• Instead of referring to two or more people as “y’all”, you say “You guys”
• You don’t think Howard Stern has an accent
• You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun and knife show
• You think university football coaches are overpaid
• You don’t have at least one can of WD-40
• You don’t have a single roll of electrical tape in the house
• The last time you smiled was when cut someone off in traffic
• You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores
• The furthest south you’ve ever been is the perfume counter at Sear’s
• You call binoculars “Opera glasses”
• You can’t manage to spit out of the car window w/o pulling over
• You would never wear an applique sweatshirt
• You don’t know what an applique is
• You don’t know anyone with two first names (Billy Ray, Bonnie Sue)
• You don’t have doilies, and you don’t have any idea how to make one
• You’ve never been to a craft show
• You freak out on the subway if someone speaks to you
• You can’t do your laundry without quarters
• None of your fur coats are homemade
• You can’t imagine an indoor monster truck and tractor show
• You would never consider drinking a Budweiser beer
• The mere thought of biscuits and sausage gravy clogs your arteries
• The word “greens” brings about images of golf courses
• You think “Dry County” means it doesn’t rain too often there
• You don’t own a pair of overalls
• Your jewelry does not turn your skin green or black
• You wouldn’t be caught dead with a pouch of Red Man
• You have no clue what palmettos, fire ants or skinks are
• You don’t know anyone named Bubba, Slim, Billie Jean or Mavis
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1. Artery: the study of paintings.
2. Bacteria: back door to the cafeteria.
3. Barium: what doctors do when patients die.
4. Cauterize: made eye contact with her.
5. Dilate: to live long.
6. Enema: not a friend.
7. G.I. Series: world series of military baseball.
8. Hangnail: what you hang your coat on.
9. Tumor: one plus one more.
10. Medical Staff: a doctor’s cane.
11. Morbid: a higher offer.
12. Nitrates: cheaper than day rates.
13. Node: knew it.
14. Outpatient: a person who has fainted.
15. Recovery Room: place to do upholstery.
16. Terminal illness: getting sick at the airport.
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It has been brought to our attention that a few copies of the Arkansas edition of Microsoft Windows VISTA may have accidentally been shipped outside of Arkansas. If you have received one of the Arkansas editions, you may need some help in understanding the commands. This particular edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS VISTA and displays a background picture of General Lee superimposed on a Confederate Flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.

Also Note:
* The Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
* My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
* Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
* Dialup Networking is called Good Ol’ Boys
* CD’s are them little ole plastic disc thangs
* Hard Drive is referred to as Four Wheel Drive
* Instead of an error message, you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

Additional Features:
* OK = ats aww-right
* cancel = hail no
* reset = awa shoot
* yes = shore
* no = naaa
* find = hunt-fer it
* go to = over yonder
* help = hep me out here
* start = crank it up
* stop = ternit off
* settings = sittins
* documents = stuff I done done
* programs = stuff at does stuff

Also note that Winders VISTA does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders VISTA:
* addin mershene = calculator
* colering book = a graphics program
* jupe-box = CD player
* inner-net = Microsoft EVistalorer
* IRS = M/S accounting software
* IRS2 = M/S accounting sofware with hidden files
* pichers = a graphics viewer
* tiperiter = a word processor
* outhouse paper = notepad

We sincerely regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Arkansas edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
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