Friday Fun Stuff – 8-14-15

If Teachers Were Treated Like Pro Athletes

If Dating Websites Were People

Allah & The 72 Virgins

A suicide bomber died and went to Paradise, as foretold.

When he arrived there, he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his 72 virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, “Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because people like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you’re here to service them. Since they’re virgins, they’re quite sexually ravenous and, frankly, you’ll be on constant, exhausting duty. I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!”

The bomber responded, “Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?”

Allah replied, “Who told you they were women?”

Bumper-Stickers Seen On Military Bases

• 101st Airborne Division- “When it comes to Combat, care enough to send the very best”
• “When in doubt, empty the magazine”
• “Sniper– You can run, but you’ll just die tired!”
• “Machine Gunners – Accuracy By Volume”
• “Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything.”
• ”U.S. Marines – Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club.”
• “U.S. Air Force – Travel Agents To Allah”
• “The Marine Corps – When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight”
• “Death Smiles At Everyone – Marines Smile Back”
• “What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil”
• “Marines – Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775″
• “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It”
• “Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon”
• “It’s God’s Job to Forgive Bin Laden – It was Our Job To Arrange The Meeting”
• “Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl”
• “One Shot, Twelve Kills – U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support “
• “My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College and Protest”
• “A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy – Blessed Be The Peacemakers”
• “Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But the US military doesn’t have that problem.

A Confession

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, “I’m sleeping with the minister’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after the services for me?”

Mike doesn’t like it, but being a friend he agrees.

After the services, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he’s really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister. “My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”

The minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike’s shoulder and says, “You better hurry home. My wife died a year ago.”

Laws Similar to Murphy’s Laws

. Aigner’s Axiom: No matter how well you perform your job, a superior will seek to modify the results.
. Airplane Law: When the plane you’re on is late, the plane you’re transferring to is on time.
. Alinsky’s Rule for Radicals: Those who are most moral are farthest from the problem.
. Allen’s Axiom: When all else fails, read the directions.
. Allen’s Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than to get out of.
. Amand’s Law of Management: Everyone is always someplace else.
. Anthony’s Law of Force: Don’t force it; get a larger hammer.
. Anthony’s Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.
. Aristotle’s Dictum: One should always prefer the probable impossible to the improbable possible.
. Army Axiom: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
. Arthur’s First Law of Love: People to whom you are attracted inevitably think you remind them of someone else.
. Atwood’s Fourteenth Corollary: No books are lost by lending except those you particularly wanted to keep.

An Apology From The Hospital

We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis tip was NOT cancer, it was lipstick.

We deeply regret the amputation.

Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down, finally, the guys’ side of the story.
(I must admit, it’s pretty good.)
We always hear ‘the rules’ from the female side, now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note, these are all numbered ’1 ‘ ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Mpumalanga Hospital Records

During an audit of a Mpumalanga hospital in South Africa , this is what they found recorded in their day to day patient records.

1. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only 11kgs weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. The patient refused autopsy.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

Eating In The 50′s

• Pasta had not been invented. It was macaroni or spaghetti.
• Curry was a surname.
• A take-away was a mathematical problem.
• Pizza? Sounds like a leaning tower somewhere.
• Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
• All chips were plain.
• Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
• A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
• Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
• Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.
• Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
• Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
• Chickens didn’t have fingers in those days.
• None of us had ever heard of yogurt.
• Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
• Cooking outside was called camping.
• Seaweed was not a recognized food.
• Kebab’ was not even a word, never mind a food.
• Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
• Prunes were medicinal.
• Surprisingly muesli was readily available. It was called cattle feed.
• Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of areal one.
• Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than gasoline for it they would have become a laughing stock.
• The one thing that we never ever had on/at our table in the fifties…was elbows or hats!

Social Tips For Rednecks

1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
2. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
4. Even if your certain that you’re included in the will, it’s rude to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.

Entertaining In Your Home…
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene…
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private using one’s own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.

Theater Etiquette…
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have proven that they can’t hear you.

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

Driving Etiquette…
1. Dim your lights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Dating (outside the family)…
1. Offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 P.M. Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

Marketing Buzz Word Translator

ADVANCED DESIGN: The advertising agency doesn’t even understand it

ALL NEW: Parts not interchangeable with any previous model

ALL SOLID-STATE: Heavy as Hell!

BREAKTHROUGH: We finally figured out a way to market this turkey

BROADCAST QUALITY: Gives a picture and produces noise

BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES: We finally got it to fit together

CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY: You can return it from most airports

DESIGNED SIMPLICITY: Manufacturer’s costs cut to the bone

DIRECT SALES ONLY: Factory had a big argument with distributor

DISTINCTIVE: A different shape and color than the others

EXCLUSIVE: Cheaply made imported product

FIELD TESTED: Manufacturer lacks test equipment

FOOLPROOF OPERATION: No provision for adjustments

FUTURISTIC: No other reason why it looks the way it does

HAND CRAFTED: Assembly machines operated without gloves on

HIGH ACCURACY: Unit on which all parts fit

HIGH RELIABILITY: We made it work long enough to ship it

IT’S HERE AT LAST!: Rush job; Nobody knew it was ready

LATEST AEROSPACE TECHNOLOGY: One of our techs was laid off by Boeing

MAINTENANCE FREE: Impossible to fix

MEETS ALL STANDARDS: Ours, not yours

MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED: Does things we can’t explain

MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS: We got a good deal at a government auction

NEW: Different color from previous design

NEW GENERATION: Old design failed, maybe this one will work

PERFORMANCE PROVEN: Will operate through the warranty period

RE-DESIGNED: Previous faults corrected, we hope…

REVOLUTIONARY: It’s slightly different from our competitors

SATISFACTION GUARANTEED: Manufacturer’s, upon cashing your check

SMPTE BUS COMPATIBLE: When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound

UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE: Nothing we ever made before worked this way

UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT: We finally got one that works

Don’t Worry Mom I’ll Wear My Helmet
Don't Worry Mom I'll Wear My Helmit
Hey Babe! You Know I Can Make Couple A Grand A Year Programming These Things
Hey Babe! You Know I Can Make Couple A Grand A Year Programming These Things
Just How Long Will The Detour Around The Universe Take?
Just How Long Will The Detour Around The Universe Take
I’m Moving To Europe
I'm Moving To Europe
It’s Not Your Fault The Dog Is Hard Of Hearing
It's Not Your Fault The Dog Is Hard Of Hearing
What Are You Lookin’ At?
What Are You Lookin At
The Material Girl Has A Lot Less Material
The Material Girl Has A Lot Less Material
Thanks A Lot Jesus We Really Appreciate It
Thanks A Lot Jesus We Really Appreciate It
Drop The Camera And Help Me Damit!!!
To Hell With This War I’m Going AWOL Right Now!!!
To Hell With This War I'm Going AWOL Right Now!!!

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