Burger King Explains Net Neutrality With The Whopper
Top Ten Impossible Things To Say When You’re Drunk
1. “I think it’s too soon for us to have sex.”
2. “No thanks barkeep, I’ve had enough already.”
3. “Good evening, officer. Isn’t it a lovely night?”
4. “You’re right.”
5. “I’d love to go home with you, but you’re just not that attractive.”
6. “No thanks. I don’t want any pizza.”
7. “I should probably just keep my mouth shut about it.”
8. “Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T . . .”
9. “Let’s just talk it through. There’s no need for violence.”
10. “No, I don’t know why you pulled me over.”
Crazy California Laws
Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. So how much are you going to fine the animal for that?
Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants. I understand the elephant part but why the snails, and what the hell is a sloth?
Bathhouses are against the law. As long as there co-ed, I haven’t got a problem with it
In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs. Those lizards and snakes were being discriminated against!
No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. But 59 mph with no one behind the wheel is ok?
Women may not drive in a house coat. Or any other clothes! Women must drive naked! It’s the law!
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. Yeh, cause those whales keep taking all the best parking spots.
You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit. If you do we have the right the paint it pink with cute little purple Pokka dots!
Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. Have you ever tried that?
The Guide For All Men
Women’s language translated
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.
We need… = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want… = You’ll pay for this later.
We need to talk… = I need to complain
Sure…go ahead = I don’t want you to.
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = …and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…..
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Am I fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead.
Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
In response to What’s wrong?:
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an idiot!
My Point Exactly
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up…
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
So what do you think about that, Doc?’
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story:
‘I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.
He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?’ asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, ‘Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.’
The doctor replied, ‘my point exactly.’
1. “Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.”
2. “Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician”
3. “Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!”
4. “Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.”
5. “Cover me. I’m changing lanes.”
6. “The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.”
7. “Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep”
8. “Montana — At least our cows are sane!”
9. “I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.”
10. “Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.”
Satan Pays A Visit
One beautiful Sunday morning everyone in the small town woke up early and went to their local church.
As they were sitting in their pews talking before the service began, Satan suddenly appeared at the alter.
Everyone began screaming and running for the exit, trampling each other in a desperate attempt to get away from the evil incarnate.
Soon, everyone managed to evacuate the church except for one older gentleman who remained calmly seated in his pew. The gentleman appeared oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
This confused and angered Satan, so he walked over to the man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”
“Yep, sure do,” replied the man.
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t,” the man replied.
Satan, now more perturbed, asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man looked at him and calmly replied, “I’ve been married to your sister for 32 years!”
Why We Love Children
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.
Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report.
My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’
‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her.
‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.
‘It sure is,’ I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’
‘And why not, darling?’
‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he-goes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.
‘What have you got there, dear?’
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’
Performance Evaluation Translations
• Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
• Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
• Happy: Paid too much.
• Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
• Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
• Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
• Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
• Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
• Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
• Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.
• Judgment is usually sound: Lucky.
• Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
• Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.
• Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
• Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.
• Maintains professional attitude: A snob.
• Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
• Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.
• Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
• Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.
• Uses all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
Stupid Is As Stupid Does
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: “Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.”
IN THE BAG
A “tourist,” supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn’t know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did – backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
YOU MEAN ME?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move!” When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.
LEARN YOUR LESSON
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court,” he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not pass through a red light’ five hundred times.”
AHH, THAT’S BETTER!
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went “a little bit too far” in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other’s head.
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
A Los Angeles man who later said he was “tired of walking,” stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership”. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school’s drug policy last week – for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him “jump higher.”
A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school’s “zero-tolerance” policy…not to be confused with the “zero-intelligence” policy.
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
1. Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.
2. You think deer hunting should be an Olympic sport.
3. You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say “Cool Whip” on the side.
4. You have to call the police more than once a week to remove your drunk mother-in-law from your front lawn.
5. Your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.
6. You ever spent the night in the bed of your truck rather than paying for a motel room.
7. None of your zippers have all their teeth either.
8. You are driving the car you were conceived in.
9. You’ve ever used scissors on food.
10. You’ve ever re-used a paper plate.
11. Smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it.
12. When you hear someone talking about the king you don’t know whether they’re talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.
13. You complain about the ban on assault weapons because it’ll make half your guns illegal.
14. You use a pig for a garbage disposal.
15. You can’t go to church this year because your Sunday socks are being used as the truck’s gas cap.
16. You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.
17. You clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.
18. Your tackle box contains dynamite and blasting caps.
19. You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license.