If Buying Condoms Was Like Buying Birth Control
You Know You’re Redneck When…
• The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
• You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
• You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
• You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.
• Jack Daniel’s makes your list of “most admired people”
• You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
• Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey y’all watch this!”
• You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
• Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
• Your junior prom had a daycare.
• You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, “Gentlemen start your engines.”
• You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
• The bluebook value of your truck goes up/down, depending on how much gas is in it.
• You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
• One of your kids was born on a pool table.
• You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
• You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
• You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
• Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
• Somebody hollers “Hoe Down” and your girlfriend hits the floor.
• If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
• If the biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-mart.
• If your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V.
• If you thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler.
• If you’ve ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
• If you think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-Mart.
• If your neighbors think you’re a detective because a cop always brings you home.
• If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars worth of improvement.
• If you’ve ever used a toilet brush as a backscratcher.
• If you’ve ever asked the preacher “How’s it hangin?”
• If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
• If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
• If somebody tells you that you’ve got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is…
• If you’ve ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said “concentrate.”
• If you’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
• If you don’t understand why the first 35 are funny.
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don’t be upset, I Shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation.
Although with one small difference, 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Life On The Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk
A day in the life at the etch-a-sketch help desk…
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don’t shake it.
Mid-Level Manager Translator
“That’s very interesting “:
“I don’t disagree “:
“I don’t totally disagree with you “:
You may be right, but I don’t care
“You have to show some flexibility “:
You have to do it whether you want to or not
“We have an opportunity here “:
You have a problem
“You have obviously put a lot of work into this “:
I can’t believe you wasted all that time on this piece of crap
“You certainly have an eye for detail “:
I’ve seen nit-pickers before, but you…
“Let’s sit on your concept for a while “:
Where’s the damn recycling bin?
“Help me to understand here “:
I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about (and) I don’t think you do either
“In a perfect world, we wouldn’t have to worry with this “:
Just get on it and get it out of here
“You need to see the big picture “:
The big boss thinks this is a good idea
“I just can’t grasp the team’s goal here “:
We don’t understand a damn thing about Total Quality
“I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal “:
One person couldn’t possibly come up with something this stupid
“I’m afraid the decisions been made far above our level “:
Just do this and shut the hell up
“If you have any further thoughts on this, please get back to me”:
Get out of here and leave me alone
“I appreciate your contribution “:
Just wait until your next performance rating clown
“We’ve got to follow some strict guidelines here “:
We’re going to do this my way
“I didn’t understand your e-mail. Can you give me a quick summary? “:
I still can’t figure out how to use e-mail
“The cost of ownership has become a significant issue “:
We want all of the benefits and none of the costs
“We have to maximize our resources “:
You’re working weekends until further notice
“Your project is on hold for a while “:
At least until after you retire
“That’s not quite the solution I came up with “:
You didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear
“You need to be more proactive “:
You should have protected me from myself
“I’d like your buy-in on this “:
I want someone else to blame if this thing bombs
“We want you to be the lead on this project “:
I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes
“We need to syndicate this decision “:
We need to spread the blame if this turkey backfires
“We have to put on our marketing hats “:
We have to put ethics aside
“This strikes me as a bit impractical “:
I don’t know how to do it
“I’m glad you asked me that “:
Damn, this clown’s smarter than I gave him credit for
“There are larger issues at stake “:
I’ve made up my mind so don’t confuse me with facts
“I’d never lie to you “:
It’s just that the truth changes frequently
“Our entire organization going through a paradigm shift “:
We have no idea what we’ve been doing wrong, but now we’re going to try something different and see if that works
“The upcoming changes will benefit the vast majority of employees “:
The upcoming changes will benefit me
Things To Know
1. Budweiser beer conditions the hair.
2. Pam cooking spray will dry your nail polish.
3. Cool Whip will condition your hair in 15 minutes.
4. Mayonnaise will KILL LICE; it will also condition your hair.
5. Elmer’s Glue – paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and blackheads, if any.
6. Shiny hair – use brewed Lipton Tea.
7. Sunburn – empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath.
8. Minor burn – Colgate or Crest toothpaste.
9. Burn your tongue? Put Sugar on it.
10. Arthritis? Use WD-40 spray and rub in, it helps with insect stings too.
11. Bee stings – Meat Tenderizer.
12. Chigger bite – Preparation H.
13. Puffy eyes – Preparation H.
14. Paper cut – Crazy Glue or Chap Stick (glue is used instead of sutures at most hospitals).
15. Stinky feet – Jell-O!
16. Athletes’ feet – Cornstarch.
17. Fungus on toenails or fingernails – Vicks vapor rub.
18. Kool Aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent section and run a cycle, it will also clean a toilet (Wow, and we drink this stuff)
19. Kool Aid can be used as a dye in paint, also use Kool Aid in Dannon plain yogurt as finger paint. Your kids will love it and it won’t hurt them if they eat it.
20. Peanut Butter – will get scratches out of CD’s! Wipe off with a coffee filter paper.
21. Sticking bicycle chain – Pam no-stick spray.
22. Pam will also remove paint and grease from your hands!
23. Peanut Butter will remove ink from the face of dolls.
24. When the doll clothes are hard to put on, sprinkle with Cornstarch and watch them slide on.
25. Heavy dandruff – pour on the Vinegar.
26. Body paint – Crisco mixed with food coloring. Heat the Crisco in the microwave, pour into an empty film container and mix with the food color of your choice.
27. Tie Dye shirt – mix a solution of Kool Aid in a container, tie a rubber band around a section of the t-shirt and soak.
28. Preserving a newspaper clipping – a large bottle of Club Soda and cup of Milk of Magnesia, soak for 20 minutes and let dry. It will last for many years!
29. A Slinky will hold toast and CD’s!
30. To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with Colgate toothpaste.
31. Wine stains, pour on the Morton Salt and watch it absorb into the salt.
32. To remove wax – Take a paper towel and iron it over the wax stain, it will absorb into the towel.
33. Remove labels off glassware etc. – rub with Peanut Butter!
34. Baked on food – fill container with water get a Bounce paper softener and the static form the Bounce towel will cause the baked on food to adhere to it. Soak overnight. Also, you can use 2 Efferdent tablets, soak overnight.
35. Crayon on the wall – Colgate toothpaste and brush it!
36. Dirty grout – Listerine.
37. Stains on clothes – Colgate.
38. Grass stains – Karo Syrup.
39. Grease stains – Coca Cola, it will also remove grease stains from the driveway overnight. We know it will take corrosion from car batteries.
40. Fleas in your carpet? 20 Mule Team Borax – sprinkle and let stand for 24 hours. Maybe this will work if you get them back again.
41. To keep FRESH FLOWERS longer, add a little Clorox or 2 Bayer aspirin, or just use 7-up instead.
42. Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week?
Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Each day has a different color twist tie. They are Monday = Blue, Tuesday = Green, Thursday = Red, Friday = White and Saturday = Yellow. So if today was Thursday, you would want a red twist tie; not white, which is Fridays (almost a week old).
The colors go alphabetically by color Blue – Green – Red – White – Yellow, Monday through Saturday. Very easy to remember. I thought this was interesting. I looked in the grocery store and the bread wrappers DO have different twist ties, and even the ones with the plastic clips have different colors. You learn something new everyday. Enjoy fresh bread with the right color on the day you are shopping.
Scientists in Geneva have announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton & righton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, sinceeach reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it
has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other by-products are produced.
Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear From Your Consultant
1. You’re right; we’re billing way too much for this.
2. Bet you I can go a week without saying “synergy” or “value-added”.
3. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
4. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
5. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
6. I don’t know enough to speak intelligently about that.
7. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
8. I can’t take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
9. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
10. Everything looks okay to me. You really don’t need me.
Politically Correct Football Facts
Ohio State’s Urban Meyer on one of his players: “He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.”
Why do Clemson fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That’s a sophomore course.
A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? ”
“Will the defendant please rise.”
If three University of South Carolina football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.
How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
There’s tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
University of Arizona Coach is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.
Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?
He saw “911″ on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
How do you get a former USC football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
The Laws Of Golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant “You looked up,” or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: “Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.” Similarly, “tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one, sucker.”
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
The Importance of Underwear
Listen up! Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle…
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.