I Survived 30 PSA
Old Hits Re-Released
Great news! Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-released their great hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate their aging audience.
Here are some examples:
Herman’s Hermits: “Mrs. Brown You’ve Got a Lovely Walker”
The Rolling Stones: “You Can’t Always Pee When You Want”
Credence Clearwater Revival: “Bad Prune Rising”
Marvin Gaye: “I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts”
The Who: “Talkin’ ‘Bout My Medication”
The Troggs: “Bald Thing”
Carly Simon: “You’re So Varicose Vein”
The Bee Gees: “How Can You Mend a Broken Hip”
Roberta Flack: “The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”
Johnny Nash: “I Can’t See Clearly Now”
The Temptations: “Papa Got a Kidney Stone”
ABBA: “Denture Queen”
Leo Sayer: “You Make Me Feel Like Napping”
Commodores: “Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom”
Procol Harem: “A Whiter Shade of Hair”
The Beatles: “I Get By With a Little Help From Depends”.
Half Of Each
A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food place. The manager noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The manager decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”
The manager then asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied, “Not yet. It’s his turn to use our teeth.
Clues That Accepting Your New Job Was A Mistake
1. First day on the job, I got up from my desk, walked 5 feet to a water fountain, took a drink, and walked back. My new boss screamed “Are you on break?!!”. I just looked, shutdown my computer and walked away. Moral of the story — Don’t yell at the only network admin
2. Two hours into my first professional job, my new boss introduced me to a group as “Lorin, who worked at company X for seven years.” I looked at her funny and said I’d never worked there. She shrieked, “My God, I hired the wrong person!”
3. First day on the job, boss asks you to write down your list of hobbies. Why? Because he wanted to hand them back at the end of the year, to remind you what you used to do when you had free time.
4. Big news on the morning radio as you drive in the first day: Your new company has been acquired by your old company!
5. My first day on the job at my new company I was served with a subpoena in a discrimination suite.
6. After I accepted my new job they didn’t get me a computer for two months…. I was a secretary. My boss’s boss had a nervous breakdown & left after 3 months. My desk & chair arrived after 2 years & the director never knew who I was.
7. Fresh paint around the hole where the bullet exited through your cubicle wall
8. At the end of your first week of work, enough “old timers” have quit that you have the most seniority in your department.
9. The CFO asks if he could borrow a few bucks till payday
10. Sign over door says “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here”
11. When I came in the second day my new boss looked at me and gleefully said “Oh good!!! You came back!!!”
12. The guy who hired you is fired the next day.
13. Your new boss introduces you to your new coworkers saying “Here’s our latest victim, she’ll be trying to clean up the team’s 9-month backlog. Hope she lasts longer than all the others.”
14. When you actually know all there is to know by day two. And your co-workers are asking you for instructions.
15. All the other employees have the same last name as the boss
16. Your boss says “You’re my naughty little puppy now!”
17. “What do you need your own computer for? Can’t you just share with the secretary?” Ummmm, how the hell does a tech writer write without their own computer??? HELLO??
18. Sorry, we forgot you were starting today. Here is a folding chair and table. We’ll try to get you a phone by next week.
19. You find out your first day that the happy, productive employees you met during the interview were actors hired by the company so you couldn’t meet the REAL employees
20. The lobby is full of people in team jackets with DEA, FBI, ATF, etc. talking to their collars.
21. Satan comes around to your cubicle to point and laugh at you very very often
22. The fire drill isn’t a drill.
23. HR tells you to bring your own toilet paper.
24. All your new cow-workers carry Mace.
25. When you get to work and a drill sergeant comes up and gets in your face and screams, “Your butt is mine for the next 10 weeks!!”
26. You boot up your computer, and find that the previous person to occupy your position had set his suicide note as his desktop background.
27. Your new coworkers nickname you “Fresh Meat”
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
“Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.”
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, “She made me a much better offer.”
Yet Even More United States State Motto’s
• Ohio: The drinking state with a football problem.
• Ohio: An empty state on holidays and weekends (because everyone is in Kentucky).
• Ohio: At Least We’re Not Michigan
• Ohio: Where One of Your Dad’s Friends Lives
• Ohio: It’s Not Just “Hello” in Japanese
• Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
• Oklahoma: It’s a Dry Heave
• Oregon: Spotted Owl – It’s What’s For Dinner
• Oregon: It’s OR-EE-GUN, you idiot!
• Oregon: Are you kidding? It’s “o-ri-gin”!
• Pennsylvania: What the fuck You Looking At?!
• Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
• Rhode Island: Welcome to Rhode Island. You’re now leaving Rhode Island.
• Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island
• Rhode Island: Small, Yes, But We Know What to Do with It!
• South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender
• South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
• Tennessee: The Educashun State
• Texas: Si’ Hablo Ing’les (Yes, I Speak English)
• Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
• Utah: set your watch back 20 years.
• Vermont: Yep
• Vermont: Gettin’ Busy with New Hampshire since 1791
• Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?
• Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
• Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
• West Virginia: One million people, and 15 last names.
• West Virginia: One Big Happy Family – Really!
• Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
• Wisconsin: Come Smell our Dairy Air
• Wyoming: Where Men are Men And The Sheep are Scared
We always hear “The Rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months IS a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
My Friend Is Coming For Supper
“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”
“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”
“I know all that.”
“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”
“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”
• Ever stop to think…and forget to start again?
• I are proud to be a college student
• Conserve toilet paper…use both sides
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
• A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain
• Keep honking…I’m reloading
• Don’t steal….the government hates competition
• I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like his passengers!
“They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind.”
– Cindy Crawford
“Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my cleavage.”
– Carole Mallory
“Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery.”
– Beverly Johnson
“I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that.”
– Christie Brinkley
“I loved making ‘Rising Sun’. I got into the psychology of why she liked to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with low self-worth.”
– Tatjana Patitz
“Because modeling is lucrative, I’m able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take.”
– Kathy Ireland, star of ‘Alien From L.A.’ and ‘Danger Island’
ON CAREER CHOICES
“My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian.”
– Paulina Porizkova
“I would rather exercise than read a newspaper.” — Kim Alexis
“Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all night. We had the same views on nuclear disarmament.”
– Jerry Hall
ON INNER STRENGTH
“I love the confidence that makeup gives me.”
– Tyra Banks
“Richard doesn’t really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can’t help it.”
– Cindy Crawford
“I haven’t seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven’t seen anything. I don’t really care.”
– Tyra Banks
Signs You’re Online Too Long
1. Tech Support calls you for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say “LOL.”
3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
4. You called out someone else’s screen name while making love to your significant other.
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so “you can hang out.”
6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
7. You’ve gotten on an airplane just to meet some people face-to-face.
8. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.
9. Your wife goes into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone know you’re going to be “away.”
10. You have a vanity license plate with your screen name on it.
11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation or complete sentences.
12. You begin to say “heh heh heh” instead of laughing.
13. When someone says, “What did you say?” you reply, “Scroll up!”
14. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
15. You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won’t know you’re online again.
16. You know more about your on line friends’ daily routines than you do your own spouses’.
17. You find yourself lying to others about your time online.
18. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.
19. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (you were online all night).