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Kill The Poor | Mitchell And Webb
Future News Stories
Get a glimpse into life far into the future, in the year 2072.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2073.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
50-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2074.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent for those earning less the $250,000. Anyone who makes more then that pays 0 percent.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped!
A Friend Asked Me To Sign His Cast
So, I signed, “This is your last warning. You have one week to get my money!”
Andy Rooney On Sex!
1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory….
I don’t remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings…”
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man’s life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small (That just shows how old this joke is).
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What’s an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don’t have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!
And you thought he was just a nice old man didn’t you?
A Koala And A Lizard Get High
A koala is sitting up a gum tree …. smoking a joint
when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,
‘Hey Koala! What are you doing?’
The koala says: ‘Smoking a joint, come up and have some.’
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and
falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: ‘What’s the matter with you?’
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says ‘ Hey you!’
So the koala looks down at him and says:
‘Phewwwww….Dude … how much water did you drink?!!’
Le ‘Good Humor Never Hurts
The new neighbor knocks on my door.
I open it and am breathless!
Very surprised by the new neighbors extraordinary beauty.
Almost stuttering I say: “What can I do for you?”
She responds: “Look, I’m newly arrived in town, I want to have fun, get drunk and F#%K all night … Are you busy tonight? ”
“Of course not!”
“Great, would you mind keeping my dog until tomorrow?
The other morning at 6:30 my doorbell rings… With one eye closed and half-sleepy I went to open.
There was my mother-in-law, saying: “Can I stay here a week?”
“Sure” I answered…. and I closed the door.
Two girlfriends on the phone:
“Finally, after three years together, Max talked to me about Marriage!”
“Really, what did he say?”
“That his wife’s name is Angela and that they have four children.”
Quote of the year, which speaks for itself, as stated by a Brazilian physician Drauzio Varella:
“In today’s world we spend 5 times more for drugs that help the impotence of men and women with silicone breast implants than we do for curing Alzheimer’s.
Therefore in future we will have old women with big tits and old men with hard cock, but none of them will remember what to do with them and what they are for.”
An old woman prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old mule. The old woman headed straight for the only saloon to clear her parched throat. She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitch rail. She stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes.
A young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, “Hey old woman, have you ever danced?”
The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance. Never really wanted to.”
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old bag, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old woman’s feet.
The old woman prospector – not wanting to get her toe blown off – started hopping around. Everybody was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman’s hands, as she quietly said, “Son, have you ever licked a mule’s ass?”
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No Mam. But I’ve always wanted to.”
There are a few lessons for us all here:
1 – Never be arrogant.
2 – Don’t waste ammunition.
3 – Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
4 – Always, I said ‘Always’, make sure you know who has the power.
5 – Don’t mess with old women; they didn’t get old by being stupid
I just love a story with a happy ending, don’t you?
The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year’s winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly (my favorite)
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. (though this is good too)
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
What’s The Difference
What’s the difference between a prostitute, a mistress, and a wife?
The prostitute says: “Are you done yet?”
The mistress says: “You’re done already?”
The wife says, “Peach. I think I’ll paint the ceiling peach.”
Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear From A Guy At Starbucks
10. “We ran out of coffee filters, so I’m using one of my old undershorts.”
9. “Try our triple espresso — It’s a legal alternative to crack.”
8. “Let me make sure that’s not too hot.”
7. “You know, I licked every one of these stirrers.”
6. “One Decaf Venti Skim Latte — $39 dollars.”
5. “Sugar with that?”
4. “Grande Caramel Macchaito? Talk English!”
3. “If I catch any of you people going into a Dunkin’ Donuts for coffee, I’ll break your legs!”
2. “Some whipped cream for you… and some whipped cream for me.”
1. “After work, I’m gonna pick up a hooker-uccino.”
Will I Live To See 80?
Here’s something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age. (I just turned SEVENTY THREE).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’
He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?’
‘Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’
Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?’
‘I said, ‘Not much… my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’
‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’
‘No, I don’t,’ I said.
He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of se x?’
‘No,’ I said
He looked at me and said, ‘Then, why do you even give a shit?’