Friday Fun Stuff – 8-1-14

Tim Hawkins – Inappropriate Wedding Songs

Why AARP Sells Insurance

The Wisdom Of Will Rogers

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman…neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
11. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Only In America

Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes and candy bars at the front.

Only in America……do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. While contemplating surgery for being to fat.

Only in America……do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Plus hire a rent a cop with a gun that would make Barney Fife look like Dirty Harry.

Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Don’t forget screws in three’s and nails by the dozen.

Only in America… we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Damn Women Drivers

This morning on Highway 1, I looked over to my left, and there was a woman in a brand new Mercedes, doing 70 mph, with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds, and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don’t scare easily. But she scared me so much, I dropped my shaver, . . . . . .which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, I knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Damn women drivers!!!

About Growing Older…

1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
2. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
3. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
4. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
5. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
6. I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
7. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
8. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
9. Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
10. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.
11. If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Story Of Two Cows

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain.

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

You have two cows but you don’t know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he’s French, other times he’s Flemish.
The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

You have two cows.
They are both stoned.

You have no cows.
You have a billion sheep all of which you love.

Don’t know how many cows they have as this information is confidential.

You have lots of cows.
You don’t know where they are but they were last seen running up interstate 5 towards California.

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.

Bumper Stickers

• BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore
• CAUTION: I brake just for the hell of it!
• CAUTION: I drive like you do
• Don’t drink and drive…
You might hit a bump and spill your drink
• Eat Lamb: 50,000 Coyotes can’t be wrong
• HEY YOU!!! Hang-up and drive DAMMIT!!!
• I killed a 6-pack…Just to watch it die
• I know what you’re thinking…Shame on you!!!
• I love animals…they’re delicious
• I need someone really bad…Are you really bad?
• I said “NO” to drugs…but they just wouldn’t listen
• If you can read this…I’ve lost my trailer
• If you’re gonna “Moon”…Make sure your butt’s clean first
• I’m driving this way just to piss you off
• I’m not a tourist…I live here
• I’m not dumb or deaf I just like to block your way
• MAKE LOVE NOT WAR…See driver for details
• WARNING: I failed my urine test

The Plan

An oldie, but still insightful in its truth.

In the beginning there was the plan.

And then came the assumptions.

And the assumptions were without form.

And the plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying, “This is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.”

And the Workers went unto their Resident Engineers and said, a bit more diplomatically, “It is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.”

And the Resident Engineers went unto their Assistant Division Engineers, saying, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it.”

And the Assistant Division Engineers went unto their Division Engineers, saying, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”

And the Division Engineers spoke amongst themselves, saying, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”

And the Division Engineers went unto the Construction Engineer, saying, “It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”

And the Construction Engineer went to the Director, saying, “This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.”

And the Director looked upon the plan and saw that it was good, And the plan became policy.

And that my friends, is how “Shit Happens”.

In Case You Thought You Had A Bad Day….

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax handle, leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu, he came down eight HOURS short of the 400 day record; his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There, now! Your day’s not so bad after all, is it?

Phrases For Your “Out-Of-The-Office” E-Mail Auto-Reply…

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you
3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
4. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
5. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message
7. ‘The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.’ (The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)
8. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
10. I am on vacation. Your e-mail has been deleted.
11. Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
12. Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.
13. I’ve run away to join a different circus.
14. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Loretta’ instead of ‘Dave’.

Health Question & Answer Session

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products [unless your Jewish ]

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO…… Cocoa beans … another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember, “Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – strawberries in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming – WOO HOO! What a Ride!”

Anybody Ever Tell You The Bigger Guy Has The Right Of Way?
Oh Yea Then Watch Out For That 747
Anybody Ever Tell You The Bigger Guy Has The Right Of Way.  Oh Yea Then Watch Out For That 747
Barney Fife Goes To New York
Barney Fife Goes To New York
Don’t Tell Me He Wasn’t A Good Salesman!
He Got People To Buy A Product That Still Doesn’t Work!
Don't Tell Me He Wasn't A Good Salesman!  He Got People To Buy A Product That Still Doesn't Work!
There Isn’t Enough Alcohol In The Whole Damn World!
There Isn't Enough Alcohol In The Whole Damn World
I Don’t Think The Steroids Worked Quite The Way He Planned
I Don't Think The Steriods Worked Quite The Way He Planned
Why Weapons Grade Hardware Should Not Be Sold To Ordinary People
Why Weapons Grade Hardware Should Not Be Sold To Ordinary People
But It Wasn’t My Fault Boss I Swear!!!
But It Wasn't My Fault Boss I Swear!!!
Hurry Our Stock Is Tanking!
Hurry Our Stock Is Tanking
But You Said To Scrap The Dishes Before Putting Them In The Dishwasher
But You Said To Scrap The Dishes Before Putting Them In The Dishwasher
I Guess This Section Is For The Priests
I Guess This Section Is For The Priests

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